When he is NOT domestically inclined

Ok ladies...if you have a husband who is not "domestic", how do you handle your anger when he:

1. Does not clean up the area of the kitchen he messes;
2. Does not remember when trash day is;
3. Will not put clothes in the hamper;
4. Looks to me for "what's to eat?"
5. Will not put dishes IN the sink and puts them on the counter where I do NOT like them.
6. Empties cans of stuff he opens and does not throw them away.

In other words, I feel like a maid!!

I KNOW my job is to serve my husband, yet I bust my butt doing things AND running my business. Also, he will not do the household finances. I have asked him to "give me a break" from doing them since I've done them forever...in all marriages. I NEED A BREAK!!

Help! I want to change MY attitude since he will not change!!

Help me to see this thru love's eyes, please!!

My son was like that, and my DIL was able to change him. She just stopped picking up after him. Yes, she suffered because of the mess; but so did he.

Because he wouldn’t hang up his clothes, she refused to do his wash or iron them.
For weeks they tripped over his huge shoes in the hallway.
She left his filthy dishes in the sink…for weeks! YIKES AND YUCK
No more fresh towels
No more fresh bed sheets
No more underwear…gag!

It goes on and on. I don’t know how she could stand it, but she did, and to this day my son has changed. Infact he’s become neater then my DIL! Hah, if that isn’t a joke.

Within half a year she accomplished something that I was not able to accomplish as a mother. I tip my hat to her.

Sadly, DH would not go for that. I've been accused of being 30% of a housewife. Well, I have to admit I do NOT like housework, but I do my share of the necessities and I have to remember to remind him. He calls it nagging.

After having been married thrice. (both of us), he's tired of "women playing games" as he says.

I've not swept the kitchen floor in a week..wonder if he will notice and do it himself.

All I want is help. Maybe I am "keeping score" too much. Just need to tell my self to "just do it"...and shut up!!

This might take awhile Di, if he ...wants to change his housekeeping ways. However you must have known his habits, before you married him...so he probably can't understand why you are bringing it up as a problem at this time. I don't know how long you have been married.

My personal opinion, is that if a guy is naturally a neat person...even before he met any woman in his life, there's a good chance, he will want to keep home livable by sharing chores when he lives with his beloved woman/partner.

That is the case with my father who rarely vaccummed, did household chores when I grew up. But in retirement he shares such tasks cheerfully with Mom now...it's his nature to be tidy and helpful. (yes, my mother is VERY lucky given they are an older generation.) Nothing to do with him being more open to feminism or whatever.

My partner is naturally neat and clean person. The problem ..is ME. I'm messier and more absent-minded in terms of household chores. His way of displaying anger/annoyance is factual, calm statements that he noticed how dirty the stove/bathtub was....when he was cleaning. He will leave the garbage for me to pick up for disposal, since it isn't asking much, etc.

He and I do cook. It's a symbiotic enjoyable task, where soemtimes he or I cooks for both of us, or some days he wants to prepare and eat certain meal but I don't, so I prepare soemthing else for myself. It works really well for us. And it really works well when both of us are highly open and creative to cooking and eating unusual dishes.

does that help, Di???

The only thing that saves me from blow-out arguments over my messier habits...is that I did have my own home that I maintained well for over a decade...Proof to him and to my dumb self, that I am capable of improving in habits..

I could not live with a guy who was not willing to cook several times per week and do some cleaning. To me, it would affect quality of daily living.

Go on strike.

What were his expectations about who would do the house work before you were married? Just wondering...

Keep talking with us here.

Well, orchid and Dotsie...you're right. He was NEVER domesticated. He grew up on a farm and was always pushed outside. He does help...and recently we had a LONG talk. I do not believe going "on strike" would solve anything.

When we met, he worked 12 hr shifts days AND nights and I was an at-home wife. Then he retired and we started this business...which we LOVE to do. Both are very creative.

However, my life has not been traditional. I honestly feel that, as a non-mother, since I never HAD to create a nest for my brood, HAVE to cook three squares a day, so I never did it. Three times I've been a wife, this being the LAST time, I've not had a routine, per se. I look at both my sisters' lives, and they have always had to be "mother", prepping healthy meals etc. Of course, it does not mean I do NOT cook healthy meals, I just am hap-hazard I suppose. No real PLAN, I just wing it!

Way back in my early 20's I was prepping to be a mother. Career, then motherhood. Well the motherhood thing never happened, so I am always in career mode...even though I don't LIKE it! I'd rather have been a mom, but that does not change what my life is NOW.

So, since I AM in career mode, against my desire, I also expect HIM to help. And since HE was always in "farm boy" mode, he never DESIRED to help. A brick wall!! Plus, his two previous marriages included children.

After our discussion recently, I think he has a better understanding of my life. This is a HUGE problem having been married late life.

We knew NOTHING about our past, family environment etc. (I think there should be another topic started about getting married in ones 40's or later..what do you think?) The only thing each of us knows is what we tell. He did not meet my mother since she died in 1975, so he really has no clue as to my background training.

I did not know his step-Dad, who raised him either.

So, ya'll see our plight? It's a humdinger at best!

We are, so far, agreeing to do our best to respect one another and be nice. Anger gets NO WHERE and it is exhausting at our ages. Plus, is a waste of precious time since we are NEVER promised tomorrow by our Lord.

Thanks for reading.

Di, I appreciate what you are saying about

Di, I can appreciate what you are saying about not knowing each other's past or family, etc...
That can be very difficult so far as getting to really know each other and know what each of you is "made of."
What you have is experiences you build and each can see how the other behaves, reacts, and then know them better, right?
It's hard to build in a marriage that way. Those of us, such as myself, married to someone I've known since I was a child aand who has met my family, etc, have it easier compared to wwhat you are working with.
I know it can be hard. BUT, so long as each of you respect the other, as you go through life together and see how each oother behave and react, you will build a base of knowledge about what each of you is "made of."
I know this sounds a bit odd, but I also hope it makes sense to you1
dancer