Daughter has moved 3000 miles away!!

She left home, after college, to attend graduate school, a few months after my mother died. It was a 2-year program, and now she is working in her field. She decided to stay out there on the west coast - we're on the east. I have one son, soon to be a senior in college, home. It was so hard for me to accept her leaving so soon after my mom died. I felt so abandoned, but with professional help, I mostly got through it. Now that she's decided to stay there for an unknown amount of time, I find myself feeling so angry with her. I can barely speak with her without throwing some dig in, or being sarcastic. I am blaming her for the uphappiness in my own life. All my friends have daughters at least living in the same time zone, but no, she had to move across country to find herself.

Now, on my rationale days, I realize, "hey", it's her life, she can live anywhere she wants." She's independant, has a job - be happy for her, and I am for most days. Then a black cloud comes over me, and I hate her. I'm on antidepressants and am seeing a psychologist, but gee, you'd think after a couple of years, I'd be more at peace with her decision. I'm 52, and so far my fifties stink!!

thank you for letting me vent!!

Awww Abby. It's not easy. I've gone through it myself. I have 4 daughters, all grown, the closest one is about 150 mi from here. For now, they're all in the same time zone, but that will not be true in the near future as on heads off to UNLV to teach.

It's true that they have their own lives and need to find their own happiness. It's also true that moms and daughters form a bond that is very difficult to break. I don't know how old your daughter is, but I've gone through all kinds of phases with my daughters...either they were rebelling, wanting independence, wanting the security of home, upset with me and their dad over the divorce or it was me angry and upset with them with making decisions that really I encouraged like going away to college or grad school or finding boyfriends or making their own lives in way to be happy.

I look back and think sheez...what goes around really comes around LOL. I went through a lot of the same stuff with my mom!! I remember her just being so angry with me when I moved away from our hometown. I only moved with my husband and family 2 hours down the highway but you would have thought it was a world away.

Do you and your daughter call, email, visit frequently?

Abby, I don’t think there is a more powerful and selfless love than the love a mother has for her child. And because of this love where we would sacrifice our lives for our kids…we then think;…the nerve…I love this person, my flesh and blood so much how dare he/she find happiness away from me! But by letting go, you are showing the epitome of love. And no matter what or where she is, you will always remain her mom; her haven of security and peace.

I left my mother to marry and live in Germany. Not once did she ask me not to go, or did she ever complain that I am leaving her. I am forever thankful for that. She now lives in a senior home, down the street from me, and I see her almost daily. Our bond never broke over the distance. Be gentle with your daughter. You may need her some day.

AbbyK, first of all welcome to this wonderful site. That said, I raised two sons alone for the most part and they both moved with me whenever I had to relocate for my work. They both live in Vegas not too far from me and are married with kids. I rarely ever see them anymore. My youngest for 14 years now, he and I had a falling out about his use of drugs... My eldest is now driving an 18 wheel truck, criss crossing the USA and he is rarely ever here, but even when he was he and she were always too busy to bother with old mom. OH, I saw them but never as much as I wanted to. So whether they are here or there, it is of no matter because they will or won't see you according to their schedules, not ours. Be wary of the sarcastic remarks because they can and will come back to haunt you... Be happy she is healthy, hard working, intelligent and making a difference, not some drugged up loser lying in a gutter somewhere, it happens!

Abby, your daughter sounds like an intelligent, resourceful person.

Perhaps best to figure out communication methods that both of you can update one another occasionally.

May you find a passion/interest in your next phase of life. Then perhaps most likely your daugther will want become closer to you. At this time, she barely knows you beyond the mother role.

Abby, please feel free to vent here whenever you want. It must feel as though you have lost a daughter, but in reality, you must be an incredible mom for her to make such a wonderful life for herself. Step back, take a look at yourself. It's YOUR time, my friend. Are you married? If so, what would you like to see happen within your marriage? More fun time? More trips? Less? Want to kick him to the curb? Whatever...got hobbies? Want some new ones?

I say this gently because I care, not because I want to hear myself spout off, but you've done this wonderful job raising your children and now, that's over. Be there for support when they need it, but they have their own paths to follow.

They cannot be responsible for your happiness in this life. And shouldn't be. But you can be! Isn't that cool? You now have the time to make ME choices. Do it for yourself! You deserve it.

I'm sending happy thoughts your way!

AbbyK, welcome. And thanks for jumping in with a thought provoking post.

I do not have any children of my own, so I am reticent to answer. But you may want to check out the thread started by Humlan. The two of you seem to be going through similar circumstances.

Again, welcome and enjoy your time here.

AbbyK, a warm welcome from me too. Isn't it nice to be able to write your thoughts and feelings and know that you are not alone. My children are far away from me and I miss them every day. Stick around and we'll help make your 50's a little more bearable.
Hugs,

Lossing you Mom will have shaped how you feel at present.
But remember your daughter lost a Grandma.
You are to be commended to saying you feel angry.Many people smile(while gritting their teeth) and owning up to authentic feelings is ok in the right place.This can be the that place.But you daughter could process the feelings you exhibit in a different way and be unable to understand.
Could you be kind to her perhaps in a letter telling that you love her .
How are your hormones.could this also feature.If there is a problem there you could share this too.Daughter often mimic their Mothers menopause and this knowledge could be helpful later for her.
Do tell us more about her..good things..and I know we will enjoy sharing too.
Mountain ash

I feel for you very much..and think that MountainAsh has given you alittle to think about..and consider..very useful things. I have 3 older children that have left the nest previously..my experience is that they often just want and need LOVE from their mom..

While sounding very wise here..I have my own thread about the empty nest..He´s Gone..is the heading. Sooo..sometimes I have it together..and then it all falls apart..because I miss him so much. But I am sooo happy for him, too..happy and proud.

I hope that you will vent again..and I bet your 50´s will surprise you before they are all done. Mine are..I am 60

Lots of HUUUUGS and welcome!

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. My therapist suggested emailing my daughter for a bit instead of speaking on the phone. I tend not to be my best at times speaking to her, but there are no hysterics, on my part, when I type to her. I will admit upfront, I have not been the most supportive parent to her. I resented her moving so far away, especially when I was hurt from the death of my mother. For about 75% of the time, I am fine with her choice, and we have wonderful conversations. But the other times, I tend to brood, get depressed - it's like it just comes over me. I'm done with menopause, but don't your hormones go haywire for awhile?
I've been wearing an elastic on my wrist and when my thoughts start to get me into trouble, I snap it, and I snap out of it. Primitive, I know, but it seems to be helping me.

Abby, Love the idea of wearing the band and snapping. I bet we could all use that reminder.

Just wondering if you're getting use to the idea that she's so far away.

Our son has been in Florida going to shcool. He just graduated and is home briefly before moving to NY. His major is filmmaking. I'm counting my blessings that it's NY and not LA. I can certainly understand how you feel. It's like we raise thema nd then we have to be totally cool and accepting of whatever they do. Not easy, even if they're on the right track.

Oh..I LOVE the idea of the elastic band! Gotta try that! I am also one of these people where thoughts and emotions run away with me..and I am not always so nice then..to myself or others. What a wonderful idea..to remind oneself by!!!!

Good luck,AbbyK..it ain´t easy being a mom or a saint ..he he!!!

The snapping band is a great idea. And yes our hormones can run wild for years after we are supposedly through with menopause. I believe that as we age and our bodies begin to wear out our minds and emotions are affected too. Why wouldn't they be? They are also losing nutrients etc. needed to keep them sharp for all those earlir years. We just need to do the best we can do, and ABOVE ALL remember, we were young once too, made our own mistakes and now we MUST allow our children to grow up and do the same, whether we like it or not!!!!!

Wow...i'm a newbie and actually just google searched to find any comfort in the fact that my 19-yr old daughter is planning on moving to Southern CA in about a year. We live in Maine! She has a friend that she just visited there and loves it. Hates our winters and I can't blame her for that. I also can't argue with her since I moved 2500 miles away from my mom, to Texas, for 7 years! So it is coming back to bite me in the butt and I've already shed MANY tears even though it hasn't happened yet. I'm trying to be supportive and we talk a lot about it. My only wish to her was that she not go on a whim without preparation. I asked her to save her money and plan well so that it won't be so hard. Sigh....
This looks like a wonderful site so I think I will stick around as I am ALSO dealing with elderly parents who have been in and out of the hospital recently. What a roller-coaster of emotions!
Btw I recently turned 55.

Welcome mrsrock582! How the heck did I miss your post? Please do not think us unkind..so many times we overlook post and then we'll see them, eventually. I'm so happy you've found us and that you want to stick around. We really are a great bunch of old broads. You are so right about the roller-coaster syndrome with caring for our parents. Up and down...down and up. It can be exhausting. Any time you need to unwind, just come on it and let your hair down.

I think Maine is so beautiful...

Again, WELCOME!

Yes I missed this post too,

So hello from Scotland..and yes life changes are just that Change.Which is always unsettling.
Mountain ash

mrsrock, welcome to the forums. You have lots of roller coasters in your life right now, and you must feel overwhelmed at times.

When I am feeling like too much in happening in life, I often come here to vent and listen to others. I hope you will find the same warmth here as I have.

Welcome! Ann

Thank you all...seems a good place to frequent and give and receive support. Thanks!

Howdy mrsrock582, Glad to have you on board. Yes, by all means do stick around, the info is free, honest and usually helpful. Plus others can also learn much from what you are experiencing. We have, some of us, been there, done that!