OMG!

I just read a report that divorce is now more than 65%. That is well over half couples who marry. NO wonder the young people are just living together, sad but true.

There's something about getting that legal lock that scares folks. They seem to get along better when they're not married.
It is sad that the divorce rate is so high! The kids suffer!

Does this perhaps mean that too many people are marrying without considering the long-term implications? Then divorcing when they realize they really weren't all that compatible? I suspect that is what happened to me the first time around...

I haven't told too many people, but since this happened almost 40 years ago, I'll admit that I do recall being up at the altar with my first husband and hearing the minister intone the words "...til death do you part?"

And I remember, thinking "OMG! Til death. That's a long time. I'm really not sure..." And then realizing that there were 300 people in the church watching me, all of them had sent me wedding presents and my parents had just shelled out "beaucoup bucks" for this big event... If I backed out, I'd cause embarrassment to everyone, I'd have to send back all the gifts, etc. etc...

I quickly evaluated my options, decided I could not possibly bolt... So I said to myself, "Well, I'll stay here and continue to get married. After all, I love him. But instead of "til death..." let's just agree to "as long as it works."

It "worked" for 10 years and two children. And I was a lot smarter the second time around...

Anne, that is very real, what you shared. I had the same experience. The man I married at age 22 was named Todd. Here's how I felt about the ceremony, same as you! ***Todd strutted like a stallion stalking an unsuspecting mare; he must have thought he was quite the stud. Assembled in the judge’s chamber, the justice of the peace said, “If anyone objects to this marriage, come forward.” I wondered if that included the bride. Slipping a silver and turquoise band purchased from the swap meet on Todd’s finger, I contemplated the vow, “Till death do us part.” To show what a nice guy he thought he was, Todd stood in as a witness for the next couple on the civil ceremony calendar. I stood outside in the lobby, smoking, staring at the closed carved wood doors of the judge’s chambers and thought: Oh, my God, what have I done?*** Imagine getting married with such trepidation and fear. Divorce rates are increasing because of the economic environment: costs are up, pay increases are null, and jobs are scarce. Who can cultivate love and nurture under those circumstances. The strong, the very strong.

Anne,
WB is my second husband, too. But when I married the first time,
I thought it was going to last till death do us part. But a
little blonde came along and parted it for me. This time I'm
happy and grateful it worked out this good.

PL,
I agree that economics is a huge issue in a marriage. And I'll bet you're right about the "NO JOBS," "NO MONEY," breaking up
lots of relationships!

I've also heard that no jobs, no money emotionally divorces couples, but due to the high cost of living, neither can afford to leave the other! So then it is a marriage of convenience.

PL, I agree there are plenty of marriages of convenience going on in the world. I won't name any names, but over my lifetime I've observed quite a few.

By the way, since I have been reading your book these last few days, I recognize the discussion of your marriage to Todd comes from the book.

I married my first husband at 21. It was the summer between my junior and senior years in college. I believe that I THOUGHT I loved him. I think the "OMG moment" only came when I heard those "'til death" words...

Doubt we'll have time to talk about this on our teleseminar call tomorrow night, but we really should discuss it sometime.

By the way, shameless plug here: Here's the link to listen in tomorrow at 7 PM Eastern as PL and I talk about "Domestic Violence - Why Does She Stay? Why doesn't He Stop?"

Sadly, no jobs, no money and other stressors like homes being foreclosed on often translates into anger and violence in a relationship. NABBW Teleseminar with Lynn Tolson on Domestic Violence

It's a free call and one I recommend you share with friends. Open to the public, of course...

Thanks!

Jabber, I too actually thought I was in a happy marriage until I found out her was cheating on me while I was pregannt with our second child.

In my case, the woman who "came along" and led to my husband cheating on me had brown hair and actually wasn't that attractive. Also she wasn't as smart, had a vile temper and smoked and drank too much.

But I think she made him feel like he was a "big shot" and I confess I wasn't doing much of that -- to busy working and taking care of the kids while his job took him out of town for weeks at a time...

He told me he "didn't love her, but he wouldn't give her up."

In retrospect, I believe she stroked his ego, while I had forgotten how to do that...

There is a lot of disclosure here. That's something I like about this site versus other social networking places. Anne, that's quite a shock to learn what he was doing while you were pregnant. Isn't it better when a man has enough strength to not need ego strokes, yet is humble enough to not over-rate his ego?

Anne,
Time and time again I've seen girlfriends who didn't measure up to the wife. Go figure. What's up with that? I think just the thrill of doing wrong, draws some guys. Many humans' want what they don't have, until they get it.

PL,
IMO lots of guys think only of "self"; they chase women till they catch 'em and then don't want 'em any more!

I personally met a woman and her hubby, where she was engaged to another man and on the night before the wedding, she realized she just couldn't take the step to say I do at the altar. So she cancelled the wedding, reception, everything, returned engagement ring and fell into a depression for a few weeks. Meaning she could barely get out of bed. Meanwhile her bridesmaids hung out at her place for 1-2 days.

Then several years later she met her now hubby, a different guy. She is much happier.

When I was a child, I heard talk of a neighborhood gal, who
ran away the day of her wedding with the groom's best man.
Now that seemed a bit nuts to me, but last I knew those two
runaways were still married. And that was decades in the past.
Go figure!

A 65% divorce rate, seems outrageous to me. No wonder the kids
don't bother gettting married these days. And probably most of
them are from divorced families. I imagine all of us know couples
who married young and are still together; and know couples who
waited until late in life to marry, and it didn't last. IMO marriage is a gamble. Sometimes you're lucky and sometimes you're not!

I think young people marry oftentimes without thinking about
longterm issues. IMO when humans are young, they don't look very
far into the distance. Today is all that matters.

When I aged some, I looked for traits other than physical attractiveness in a person. Currently I think a sweet spirit is much more of a drawing factor than a pretty face and nice body.
When young, a handsome face was all I could see. Life has a way
of slapping us up!

I agree Jabber! I married my first husband for all the wrong reasons. Handsome faces don't last and the rest of the package is so much more important in the long run!

Anne,
Wish I was this wise years ago. Could've avoided a lot of heartache! LOL...

Most things in life seem backwards to me: When we need wisdom
we don't have it. When we have it, we don't need it. Same thing is true for big houses and money.

Jabber, that's so true -- perhaps with age we'll become wiser b/c less is more.

Watching all the award shows on TV is mind boggling, for every six pregnant women only one had a husband already, and most weren't married but living together, and a couple were just pregnant. What kind of morals or lack of morals are our kids learning from these entertainers they look up to???

Great points, Chatty!

Clearly we need to educate our kids that entertainers don't live in the same world us "mere mortals" do, and in OUR world, no one should have to try to raise a child without the support of a loving spouse.

Now, I'm fairly open-minded here - if the significant other is of the same sex, I can handle that. I don't walk in their shoes and I don't know what that life is like.

But I DO have the experience to know that parenting is a VERY TOUGH - though hugely rewarding -- job and no one should have to try to do it alone.