To my dear friends,

I have some of the saddest news I can think of… next to my husband or kids-family being hurt. (I am grateful that they are safe and healthy.) For those of you that come to my office in Salt Lake, you know my dear little ball of fluff, my 5 year old Maltese, Beaumont. He was killed on Tuesday, Jan 2, 07, one of the most terrible days I have ever lived. Beau was part of my office décor and greeted every guest with a desire to sit on their lap and comfort them. I always said, “Beau, go to your bed…” and he immediately obeyed scooting under my desk. He had a tiny little bed I bought from the Build A Bear store.

The reason I am sharing this news with you is in a desperate attempt to reach out for information, resources or knowledge of the life after this one. I have my spiritual beliefs that are deeply imbedded in my heart yet for some reason I am not comforted. My mind tells me he is in a great place but my body and heart worry that he is scared because his only comfort was when he was with me, safe in my arms or at my side. The scriptures say little about the next life and I haven’t found much information about animals. I have Betty Edie’s book and a few others to try to find solace.

If you have any thing to share with me I would appreciate it. I can hardly breath…I’m in a fog…There are many of you, if not each of you that have experience similar loss and I would like to compile a booklet of your experiences and learning’s for others to use in time of need; death, divorce, etc there is so much pain to experience in life, yet… I testify of the great joy that is possible too. I just can’t remember that right now.

There are great NLP techniques to help clients work through loss and I have helped many people through this process. I just can’t seem to help my self. I need a therapist…Nadine; I will be calling you…

I called my friend who’s husband died three weeks ago. I can’t imagine that. I know many of you have experienced this; losing a spouse. I said, “Trish, how do you do it?” She said, “You just pretend.” My heart is with you Trish.

Beau was at my side 100% of the time when I was at my house and office. He was ALWAYS with me and I spend most of my life at my home and office. With him gone it is not right. I know I am not taking my own advice right now and had to apologize to my little girl. It would be good if I could be a better example for her but, ya know, I just can’t do it right now.

I held his dead darling body for 8 hours after he died, combing his hair and cherishing every minute. I cried for two days straight. Yes, he is just a dog and I keep reminding myself how thankful that I am that it wasn’t one of my kids or husband or direct family member. We need to cherish every minute with those we love.

The very hideous part of all this, is how he died…I can barely tell you…aou…well, you know my office and waiting room have quite a few doors all over the place. As Beau follows me every where, even to go in the house for lunch, potty etc; I always make room for him to come through the door with me. Lacey, the cocker is many times in the pack following me around…my husband bought a new car. He came in my office and said, “Come see the car.” I was excited and followed him out. We were looking at the car for a while when I looked up I saw that we had left the waiting room door wide open…I hate a cold office…I abruptly walked over to the darn door to slam it shut so we wouldn’t waste money on the heat bill and to keep the office warm. I didn’t know Beau was running next to me. He thought we were going through the door and I was just going up to it to slam it and return to the car outside…He was scooting by me and I slammed it on Beau. Oh my hell… can you believe it? Right on his head… he immediately went into a half-coma…we rushed him to the vet…his heart beat up until we got to the vet and then it stopped. The vet grabbed him ran to the back room and immediately started beating on his little chest, real hard as though he was hitting a horse. The vet shoved tubes down his throat and started blowing, doing CPR. He got a syringe and jabbed his heart full of adrenalin, He worked on him for 20 minutes as my husband held me…so, I freekin killed my own dog. I was his safe haven an in the end, isn’t it ironic…I didn’t protect him. Wow, I am really showing my human-weak, messed up- side…sorry…That night I got on my tread mill and sprinted mile after mile just sobbing. Exercise always makes me feel better.

I would love your help as to what is next…

I am grateful that I was actually the one who shut the door on him, rather than my husband or daughter. Then I would have to comfort them and help them not feel guilty. #**^##^

I saw clients to day, for the first time and I think no one knew the wiser. It helps me to assist you in your need and gives me a break from my sadness…I am sooo thankful for each of you and what you have taught me. Collectively my group of clients, friends and readers could cure all the world problems. If you have any books to read, appropriate scriptures about death, or could send your love my way I will pass it on to all those that I know, that have pain… the world can become a better place.

Thanks so much for listening, it helps to express.

BEAU, I LOVE YOU… I LOVE YOU BEAU.

Very sincerely,

Darlene
January 5th 2007

It is the next day now. Last night was most interesting…Yesterday I was in my office all day. I am finally being desensitized being in there, seeing his little bed and water bowl. I can be in there and not freak out now…I can’t go in the waiting room for too long yet and going in the house is torture. I haven’t desensitized my self to the house yet. All day I was distracted. When the evening came….oh no….my mind started to play games and flash all sorts of pictures of him….all the sudden the pic of the traumatic moment started re playing over and over; maybe because I had just written all about it. It played over and over a thousand times and started to freak me out. Finally my husband came home and I said, “Distract me, quick…say something, anything….about work, what you did to day… help.” He started to distract me while we took a drive to the bank to make a night deposit. When we got home I knew I had to face the bedroom where we have a nice couch and TV set up. Beau ALWAYS sits next to me on this couch…ah…I walked in the room and my body started to jerk. I found that the jerking helped release the body memory of him next to me so I started purposely jerking and shaking my arms and moving my body abruptly…I couldn’t believe it, it worked. I was able to sit on the couch with out the feeling that I needed him next to me.

When I started to replay the trauma pic I did eye rainbows back and forth 50 times and patted my knee and hummed a non sensible song. It really worked. (Called Brain Gym)

It’s not that I am trying to hurry and heal, it is that the pain is seriously unbearable so I just need to get out of it. The pain is almost a fear of suffocating where my eyes get big and wide and I need to do something….

That’s my learning for now.

Darlene, it doesn't matter what you love; a human or an animal…love remains the same, and the loss is the same hurt. My heart goes out to you. your pain and sorrow are very real, and the way he died must be repeating itself in your thoughts. Whatever, try not to be harsh on yourself.

I always think it sounds heartless;…as if anything is replaceable, but I've heard so often that the best comfort is to get yourself another dog as soon as possible. A little puppy, that will need you. It will be a therapy for you and your hurt, and eventually you will learn to love the new dog too.

Here's sending you a comforting hug. All of us who have had or have animals, know and understand what you are going through.
Hannelore

Oh, Darlene, please forgive yourself. It was an accident. Beau loved you to, and he would not want you to be hurting either.

Hannelore is right - love is love is love. Try to focus on the love that the two of you had and the joy that it brought both of you. Focus on all the love you still have in your life. Perhaps this will help.

My heart goes out to you. You have lost your best friend, this is so difficult. Peace be with you and I hope you find it in your heart to forgive yourself soon.

I am really showing my human-weak, messed up- side…sorry…That night I got on my tread mill and sprinted mile after mile just sobbing. Exercise always makes me feel better....whatstopsyou...

i would have to disagree with you on that quote, human messed up week side.....No love no, one sentient being grieving another setientbeing, being totally human totaly....animales are not people true but they are just another physical manifestasion of the Devine. Dose the quality of loving them become less than, becouse they are not humanes...not in my case and not for many others. What you are experincing is the expression of your hart as a compasionate being that has suffered a great loss of a compainion, a frend, and an integrial part of your daily routine of life....

I dont know what exactly you do but that your are in some way a helper of others....So for it to be necassary to do you job then chancies are you have a big love and i big compasion for others....Those abilites or personal qualities that make you able to work as you do....why would they stop or alter becouse or in relashion to your private life. They are part of who you are and a very butifull part of being humane.

i bet the guilt is overwhelming. The dog as you say loved and trusted you.....love and trust necassarily depends on a feeling of safty.....the dog know you wouldn't purpisly hurt it for anything and still knows this....YOU wouldn't of hurt it for all the world. They are smart enough to know the diffrence in this case.

In the afterlife they still know this....i bet the dog be trying in some way to let you know it ok it knows the diffrence and that it wouln't want you to feel the guilt of its passing....Dogs comphort people it did your clients its desire would be the same to you over the guilt.

As you say the memories are returning to you and the shaking and physical jerking is the relising of mental emotional trama becomming physical and your subsiquint relise of it from your bodie and energy fiels. Your doing the right thing allowing it to happen ....i end up doing hynotheripy werby the client relises stored up memories in hypnotic state that they could not do or closed down becouse they were overwhelmed to them at the time of trama, your doing it as you go along. Aloughing you the foundasions of a healthier responce and long term healling even if you think you will die or its too much at the time....destract when you have to it may be overwhelming to do it and be in it all the time and when you can and should let it relise dont force it too just let it...i am sure you will know trust yourself instincts with it...It may take time you will have periods when you are clear then out the blue out pops another relise...

For my father i found nuthing scripture wise for him to hold onto to comphort him after his mum diead allthough we are all promised the benifits of the afterlife..(heaven hell etc) I had to go outside the christianity religion so did my father he chatted it over with the prist still decided he neded profe as his belife was flagging. He saw it as a spacifik compliment to his christion belifes, or detail filling in the generalness of that eternal life promise. Maybee some of the other ladies can be more spacifik scripture wise, its be more their speciality.

I belong to the spiritualist movment, national spiritualist union (NSU). This religion is dedicated to the providing of proof or evidence of the soul in this life and the afterlife. Many christions are members or arrive just for spacifik reasons then leave after their needs have been meet.

I can give you many examples of the animals in the afterlife, but thats all they are are examples. The quality and type of life they continue to lead how often the visite us, some of their sentinces and thoughts etc. Goggle the spiritulist church do your own research find your own proof. If you have a mind too find it for yourself. You dont know me but on my hart i have seen to much to deniye the existance of the afterlife for all...

good luck in your healling and in your serching

celtic

Darlene: You are in my heart and prayers. It takes time to get through something such as this. I had a little min pin, Heidi, who was the world to me. Like your Beau, Heidi followed me everywhere -- including the bathroom. My mother always told me that she had never seen a dog so in love with it's owner, and my father always said I was too attached to her (he knew from his own experience of being too attached to a dog). Heidi was my crying towel through some very rough times in my life. While I was not "directly" responsible for what happened to her, I certainly was indirectly responsible, and it took me a long, long time to forgive myself. Heidi has been gone now for five years. She was only four when I lost her. She got out of the house in a thunderstorm, and I never saw her again. To this day, when I see a minpin, memories of my beautiful girl come flooding back. When I see a picture of Heidi, I still lose it. As someone else said, love is love -- to those of us who love that greatly, the loss of a love is no less tramautic if it is a pet.

Please go visit www.petloss.com. I know a lot of people have been helped with the grieving process over there. If my link is incorrect, just search online for "Rainbow Bridge."

Okay, this post is way too sad for me.

But I do have something worse to share. This is terrifying. A man in a nearby town ran over and killed his own child while backing out of his driveway. His oder sibling witnessed it and has since commit suicide. This is all within the last year. Boy do they need our prayers. I have goosebumps as I type. I know, I'm a real downer.

Hello
Just today I took out a book about Pet spirits from the library.I will post later the author etc.(It late and my book is in another room where I would disturb my husband who has been ill)
My thoughts are with you....
I miss my little lady cat so much.....she was my kindred spirit.
I understand your grief,
Mounatin ash

I keep trying to reply to you and write so long that I time myself out.

I want so badly to comfort you. I am the owner of four cocker spaniels. We bred two of our girls and as a result, we had two litters. Unfortunately, we lost two of the pups - just days before they were to go to new homes - because, so we are told, they injested something. We were doing everything we could to protect those babies we'd seen come into this world. I felt guilt about this for some time.

Four months ago, we had to put our 13-year old Max down and it made us sick. We spent I do not want to say how much giving him chemo to try to save him. It was hopeless to begin with, so that's how much we loved that "dog." To us, he was a member of our family.

I once was a journalist and did a story about pet grief with our county Humane Society. They have a grief support groups that run year round. When I was working on the story, I visited and saw - not just children - but men in suits weeping.

Pet grief is very real. Go to the website for which Evil gave you the link. It's wonderful. And you'll learn all about Rainbow Bridge.

It was an accident. An accident.

I have more to say that may be of comfort to you, but am afraid I will time out.

It was an accident, Darlene. (((((((((Darlene)))))))))))

Emily in Maryland

Emily is so right, Darlene. It was an accident. Your grief is real and you shouldn't hide it, but let it happen. I know with my own, I'm guilty of trying to be brave for others and therefore, keep my REAL feelings hidden or buried until I think it's "proper" to let me come out. Nonesense. Coming here and writing what you did is healing and letting your grief out is healing. You are on the right path. God love you!

Grieving is healing. Be kind to yourself, sweet friend. You're loving friend Beaumont knows your heart and would want you to forgive yourself, don't you agree?

Be kind and forgiving to yourself so that you can grieve and heal, and so that your heart can love again.

JJ

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please forgive yourself. It was a horrible accident.