Dee,
I was so confused on this and had to read it several times to "get it." It isn't you, just my p-sized brain. What a mess. Ex's can screw up a two-car funeral. Holy crap. While Dianne's approach does work for some, I can see why breaking the ties completely with this evil person is for the best.

One thing I've found is that all people have to do is SAY something, and the world takes it for face value. I'm so sorry to hear what she did to you sweet hubby. I know he wonders how he was ever married to her. Bless his heart. She wanted to hurt him pretty bad, didn't she? That is unforgivable though in my book.

I think you all are taking the right approach by nipping it in the bud, (as Barney would say). It is YOUR home, your hospitality, and your time/effort. Nip it. Don't let things slide back into the old routine where they try to blackmail your hubby with emotions.

She won't always be pregnant ... and hormonal or not, she needs to grow up!

(Queen stepping down from soapbox)

Okay, that puts a different slant on this! Wow. But, if she isn't allowed to come to the shower do you think she will start in again? It seems like a catch 22.

HI Celtic...you're so sweet and thanks for the support. My SDIL is emotional anyway and when she's not able to get her way she cries and that's how she deals with it. Now that she's pregnant, it's worse. I can understand her being hormonal and certainly empathize with it...the rest of it is unreasonable on her part. Even my husband told me today he asked a couple of guys at work about the situation and they told him that in no way is he out of line for NOT wanting his ex to come to current and future family gatherings at our home. My SDIL is just going to have to come to terms with this. I understand what she was trying to do and I think her heart was in the right place...she just needs to wake up and see how divorced life truly is. And I hope she never finds out what all this is like on this side of divorce. Somehow I think she'd be singing another tune.

Update...the shower is over and it was nice but I was given the cold shoulder by my DIL's mom, despite the fact that I was giving her daughter a beautiful shower. The baby was born last Monday and I went with my husband to the hospital. I was given the cold shoulder by DIL's mom and my husband's daughter (not the one having the baby). His ex was there and talk about awkward. I felt surrounded by the enemy. If it hadn't been for my husband and wanting to support him I would have fled that place as if my pants were on fire. I emailed my son and told him about what happened and he said it best. Forget about them. I have bent over backwards to be nice to this family but have stood my ground when they attempted to take advantage of me and Larry. It's been when they've wanted to be rude and disrespectful that I've stood my ground and that's when they've turned their backs on us. It just shows me that they're not worth another moment of my fretting about people who don't matter. My husband and I have a wonderful life and if they want to be in our life then they're going to have to step up to the plate, not the other way around. It's taken me awhile to see it that way because I wanted to fit into their world...now I know their world isn't worth the price they want me to pay. I'll be 'nice' but that's it. No more shower, no more Bday parties, no more going out of my way to do anything for them. And you know what? I don't feel badly about that decision. I do feel relief.
How's that for getting a handle on things?

Dee,
Congrats! You are SO worth it. What a loss for them, I say. I can think of several words for them all, like "ungrateful, childish, insecure," and none of which apply to you or to Larry. Way to go girl. Way to gain control of your lives, once again. I'm so proud for you!

Dee, what a wise decision. They are not worth your time, not now and not ever.

Dee, way to go. You are absolutely right. If they decide to grow up and step up, okay. Otherwise, their loss. You are a wise and kind woman.