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#116120 - 04/23/07 07:09 AM I need someone to talk to
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Yesterday we threw a large barbeque party for family. Everything was going great; My 85-year-old mother was there as well. Later in the afternoon I noticed she looked terribly pale and asked her if she would like to lie down for a while. I told my mother to lie down on my side of the bed, since all other extra rooms were being used. She laid down on top of the bedspread and slept for an hour.

Well, as soon as my husband got gist of this, he sulked for the rest of the party. When everyone left, I saw that he had stripped his side of the bed down, and threw the bed covers in another room. When I asked what gives…he said he will not lie in a bed that my mother lay in! She didn't lie IN the bed; she lay on top of it! My mother is a very fine lady, who is meticulously groomed. There is absolutely no reason for him to have reacted this way.

I'm so sick of this never-ending tyranny. Once again my husband has ruined my day because of his egotistical ways. One of my DIl's stayed longer to help me clean up, and asked what is wrong with her Father in Law. That's when I broke down and cried.

Bravo bravo, Hubby dear,…you succeeded again. Maybe this whole scene sounds trite, but this has been going on for the last 5 years. The problem is that this attitude of his leads to further bickerings about almost everything. I can't take it anymore. What should I do? What would you do?

I know many will say the husband has to be the first priority in my life. I just want to say that I have always treated him as such! He just doesn't like my mother, and can't jump over his shadow to accept her for my sake. It doesn't matter if she comes by once a week or once a month, it's always one visit too much.

Is this love? I feel tryanized controlled and just plain old down in the dumps. No, this can't be love.

I'm seriously thinking about leaving him, and have told him this in the past, but it doesn't change his behaviour. I know I can't force him to like my mother, but why can't he, just for my sake, be civil to her? I can't stand him because of this.

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#116121 - 04/23/07 08:22 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Hannelore
can I ask...has he had any "TIA" history? Even so called silent strokes can cause behaviour to change.
A scan would show this.Even the GP could not diagnose.
IF so then he may be acting in the best way he can process.
This is not to say that he was not over the top in acting as he did.
You were tested on a level that is very sensitive.Your aging Mother and the marriage bed.
I would have done what you did.
I await the input of the others.But there many facets which if explored may give you peace.
.Mountain ash

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#116122 - 04/23/07 10:24 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Mountain Ash]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
Hannelore, I am so sorry.

My dad was tough on my grandmother (mom's mom), too. Seemed she had every habit that drove him nuts and none that he liked. It made it hard on my mom. I think it was the only issue that they ever really argued about.

I always thought it was very selfish. I love my dad, dearly, but he is an impatient and arrogant man, in some ways. Now, with mom being diagnosed with Alzheimers, he has to learn his patience at 80 something. Too bad he did not learn it earlier.

I don't think that telling him you may leave him over this will change any behavior. Until threats such as this, are carried out, they sound empty. I am not suggesting that you leave him just to show him you mean it, but suggesting that you don't say it to show him how sincere you are in what you believe.

Changing your own responses to his behavior is most likely the best you can do. Instead of getting angry with him, could you respond in a different way when he is being a bully (may be the wrong word, it just sounds like bullying to me, the way it has been described)?

Keep talking it out, check, like Mountain suggested, for other health issues and know that you have friends here. Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this pain.
_________________________
Follow our story of living, loving and laughing with a debilitating disease:

http://www.multiplesystematrophyandshy-drager.blogspot.com

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#116123 - 04/23/07 11:57 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Anno]
CrosstitchQueen Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 477
Loc: Sanford, Florida
Hannalore -- sending you a big ((((((HUG))))). Don't really have any words of wisdom for you,although I can tell you that I'd have reacted the same way you did (including the thoughts about leaving him). I'd have been thoroughly pissed off and wondered why he was being an insensitive jerk. I'd probably bluntly have to ask him -- what's the problem? I agree with Anno that threatening to leave doesn't carry much weight behind it -- he probably just thinks "yea, sure" and keeps on going. I'm sure he knows how unhappy you are about his behavior (and it hurts even more that he doesn't care enough to do something about it -- I've been there with my husband sometimes myself). Maybe you should consider talking to a counselor. You probably won't get him to agree to go with you but even talking to one yourself might help you learn how to deal with him when he acts this way.
I don't know what I would do -- or what you should do. Every marriage has issues, some worse than others. Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you'd be better off leaving or staying.
Hoping things are looking better to you this morning.
((((HUGS))))))
_________________________
Ann

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#116124 - 04/23/07 12:18 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: CrosstitchQueen]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Hannelore, I don't have any great words of wisdom. I know that if my husband had treated my Mom like this, our marriage would have been over a long time ago. My husband always treated my Mom, Dad and brothers is if they were his own - precious, cherished and beloved. And I treat his family the same way, most of the time.

Aside from any medical reasons, I find your husband's bizarre behaviour toward your Mother (especially at 80+ years old) unfathomable and can fully understand your anger and hurt. I feel the same way, and she's not even my mother!!

I don't know how to suggest you handle it, but I'm glad you were able to come here and share with us so we can companion you through this. I'll keep you in my heart today, and hope that your heart feels our care and love for you (and your Mom!)
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#116125 - 04/23/07 04:24 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Eagle Heart]
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Oh Hannelore, my heart feels for you. I don't know if I could take such a disrespect towards me or my own Mother, no matter what the age.

Hubby knows this makes you feel terrible, yet he does it anyway. He sounds immature in doing what he did, especially stripping the sheets afterwards. Then he uses it to start complaining about other things?

Hannelore,I am going to tell you what I'd do if I was in your situation. I'd tell him, if he disrespects my Mother one more time, he can have the whole bed to himself, forever... because I won't be sharing it with him.

I am not suggesting that you leave him, but I personally wouldn't be around anyone who treated me this way, especially when it comes to my dear 85 year old Mom.

Hugs from me too.
_________________________
chick
~ Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't ~
~ Prayer is the most we can do for another human being ~

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#116126 - 04/23/07 05:59 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: chickadee]
Laurel Offline


Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 431
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Call his bluff. Let him sleep somewhere else. Ignore him as you would a child who has misbehaved. He might eventually cool down.

If his angry outbursts are something new it could be midlife depression. Many men go through it somewhere around 40-60 years old. He may need medication, counceling or exercise to combat it.

Laurel

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#116127 - 04/23/07 06:18 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Laurel]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Yoohee!!!!Guess where I'm writing to you all from????!!!!

I DID it! I pulled the punches! This morning I stuffed my beach bag with a change of laundry, wash bag, makeup and my precious advice books and headed for the hills. I am now writing to you all from the hotel's internet room. Hee hee!!! I did it!

I know this is flooring Mr Macho...I know he never ever thought I would pull it through...but I have. You are so right Anno, empty threats won't change anything.

I am sooooo blessed to have you dear friends to talk to. You have all grown so very dear and close to my heart. I don't have any girldfriend here. That is partially hubby's fault as well...but more so my limited time through my work. That will stop too! Now it's time to live. The kids are out of the house, I'm fit and healthy, ... what more do I need! As to the financial part, I think I can manage if I juggle things around a bit. Of course we got to sell everything...Ha!! He should of thought of this before.

I allready PM Anno, and told her I feel so giddy, like I'm walking on air. Maybe that is how a bird feels, as it spread its wings to fly fly fly out of its cage!

I'll check back in later.

Thank you again Anno, Ann,
Mountain Ash ( No, he has no TA history...but I think he might be losing his marbles...sorry...I just feel so mean),
Chick and Laurel...I love you all! I really really do! Thank you for your hugs and supporting me.
sob...(that was a happy sob).
Hannelore

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#116128 - 04/23/07 06:49 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
TVC15 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 2538
Loc: North Carolina
You sound really happy Hannalore and so I'm happy for you. My only advice at this point is don't make any rash decisions. Do what is best for you. We are all here to keep you company and to love you.
_________________________
Where I've been lately

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#116129 - 04/23/07 07:30 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: TVC15]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I would like to say that sometimes we women have had enough and it's time to leave. I left mine over 10 years ago and what a good decision that was, although not an easy one.
I don't think you left him because of that one incident, it's been building for sure.
Just be careful to not make any rash decisions, I agree. When I left I felt so giddy, had those free as a bird feelings etc, although I had three kids in tow, two in diapers. The freedom from the stress and anguish is what does this. That horrible walking on egg shells feeling, I'm sure many can relate. Although it was the right decision, three months later I crashed and burned. I had prolonged the painful part, the grief. You have to go through the grieving process or it catches up with you later when you don't expect it.
I'm not saying that you should avoid feeling free and enjoying it, the way you feel is a process. Just remember that the road ahead will not be without it's challenges and even doubts so hang in there and keep postinig.
I wish you all the best.
Kate

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#116130 - 04/23/07 08:17 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: katebcca]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
I'm back....after sipping a delicious rose' wine underneath the stars, at a Italien Cafe' right on the edge of the largest lake in Europe; Bodensee. And I didn't miss HIM for a minute.

But you are probably right Kate. I'm surprised myself that I'm feeling so happy,...you noticed TCV?..I'm sure a crash will come...after all we have 32 years under our belts.

I know some women regret later that they have separated from their husbands,...so although this may come over lightly, I'm trying to weigh all the pros and cons, taking one step at a time.

I called him to tell him I'm not coming home. Oh man did he ever say the wrong things; telling me to apologize immediately for my irrational behavior. Can you believe it? MY irrational behavior?

I just want to tell you that all your posts launched a tsunami in me.I sure hope those waves of tears won't short curcuit this hotel computer. I need to check in in the morning.
Goodnight my friends
Hannelore

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#116131 - 04/23/07 08:32 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: katebcca]
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Hannelore, It takes guts to do what you're doing and I admire you for taking these steps.

When I left 'he' said, "Don't think you're ever coming home again!" Duh...."I didn't leave to come back MR!" Second call was "PLEASE come home!" Yeah.....sure.

He disrespected me on the day of my Mother's funeral and I never looked back. I haven't given him a second thought since unless it is to post here.

Hannelore, I am telling you, if you are happier being away from him, spread your wings and fly. You are quite capable of looking after "YOU" You'll be just fine.

You have my support 100% in this.


You go girl!
If it sounds like I am encouraging you, well yes I am.
_________________________
chick
~ Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't ~
~ Prayer is the most we can do for another human being ~

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#116132 - 04/23/07 08:41 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Glad to hear that you are in good spirits. I think it may not be as difficult for you as there are no kids to take care of, not to make light of it.
I found this part the worst, the extra burden, although my ex did not help me out much anyway. I had no money, he didn't help me in that department (until the courts stepped in) but my freedom was worth it.
I think the grief comes from ending it. Now matter how hard it is to live with them, letting go and realizing that our lives together are no more was difficult for me. Loss is loss, whether you know it's the right thing or not.
For now, just enjoy the fact that you are having some peace. Sounds like your husband is not accepting this very well and he won't get it until some time passes.
I hope you keep posting. There are so many smart and caring women here that will support you in this journey, including me:-)

Kate

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#116133 - 04/23/07 08:50 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: katebcca]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Hannelore
keep a brave heart my dear.
Mountain ash

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#116134 - 04/23/07 09:26 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Mountain Ash]
TVC15 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 2538
Loc: North Carolina
Sleep tight Hannalore,
We'll be here to listen in the morning!
_________________________
Where I've been lately

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#116135 - 04/23/07 09:34 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Mountain Ash]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Angelika, Dear friend, you and I have spoken of this problem many times before privately, and apparently all the things you have tried have failed. That says it ALL! He is stuborn, mean spirited and unwilling to change, even to be kind for the time your wonderful mother has left on this earth and especially when you said all she has ever shown to him was love and kindness as if he were her own son. His behavior was unthinkable and I for one think he needed a wake up call. If you're leaving doesn't change his attitude then so long as your mother is alive, stay apart. Stay with your mom if thats an option, and you can finally have all the quality time you want together, without his badgering and bullying you about it.

He is such a good husband in all other ways as you have said, and that makes this such an unnecessary and evil situation. BUT, like a mouse in a maze he needs to learn the acceptable course and follow it. Love you as always, hang tight, stay firm!
Chats


Edited by chatty lady (04/23/07 09:39 PM)

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#116136 - 04/23/07 09:59 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: chatty lady]
SharonE Offline


Registered: 02/19/07
Posts: 248
Loc: Australia/ U.S. websites
Hannelore,
A new day is dawning on your brand new life. Congratulations! You will be fine, I know it. I separated from my hub 10 or so years ago - just couldn't stand his arrogant, obstinant, pig headed, self righteous attitude any longer, so I know how you feel. I haven't looked back and nor will you. I believe everyones human right is to be treated with dignity and respect. You certainly don't deserve the treatment he handed out, nobody does. Enjoy your new found freedom and rejoice in your courage, bravery amd foresight. It's not easy sometimes, so give yourself a big pat on the back. We're here for you. Love to your Mum.
_________________________
Best Wishes,
Sharon
The Secret Part II: http://takeaction.thesgrprogram.com
For U.S. Baby Boomers: www.babyboomerexpress.com

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#116137 - 04/23/07 10:15 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: SharonE]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
You do sound happy! Someday, I will tell you the tadpole story - it was the end of one thing and the beginning of my life, as I know it now.

You are a smart woman, kind and loving. You will know what is right. Be true to yourself, from this day forward, and all your decisions will be the right ones.

I look forward to the day we hug in person. Love you!

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#116138 - 04/23/07 10:53 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Anno]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
wow that was a change, surprised me as much as it sounds as if it surprised you.

so far so good in relation to how you feel. Play it by ear (is that a saying their?) take it dailie and make your desisions dailie, listen to your hart and your mind. What ever your desisions are or will be you know we will be heer for whatever it is you need.

sleep well tommorows a whole new world in some respects.

love celtic
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116139 - 04/23/07 10:59 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: celtic_flame]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
Hannelore,
Wow! Big hugs! I agree with all who say that once you get past the "free at last" feelings, take some time to think through what you really want in life -- whether in or out of the marriage. And, make sure you don't give it all away financially, just to be free.

Hugs again,
Casey
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116140 - 04/23/07 11:35 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Casey]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
Hannalore, I don't know your whole situation, but it sounds like you made the right decision. When we are in a prison (whether created by ourselves or someone else) and then break free, it's as though the weight of the world has been lifted. I'm happy for you!
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#116141 - 04/23/07 11:50 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Casey]
Louisa Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/04
Posts: 2132
Loc: MA
Hannelore,
Sounds to me like he is getting what he deserves. He sure doesn't deserve you. He wants you to apologize for leaving him? He doesn't seem to get it, does he? Let him enjoy his own miserable company. You enjoy your new found freedom. We're all here for you.

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#116142 - 04/24/07 12:05 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Louisa]
Laurel Offline


Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 431
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Hannelore,
We're behind you 100% whatever you do. Only you know what's best for you. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))
Laurel

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#116143 - 04/24/07 07:51 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Laurel]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
My dear dear friends. You were all in my thoughts last night before I fell asleep.

Chick, this is so funny, because last night "He" called and said exactly what your husband had said, "if you don't come home tonight don't ever come home". Then he called two more times during the wee morning to tell me how much he loves and misses me. Your post was like a wise warning, and I need the encouragement. I really do. He knows how to work on my sympathy strings. How can I stay strong? Is there any secret formula?

That's what I think it all amounts to; no matter what the reason, if you are miserable, you are just plain miserable. And this misery seems to snowball. Things that have never bothered me before, bother the heck out of me now. The fact that he constantly interupts me when I talk, putting me down infront of others, his scraggly moustache that hurts when he kisses me, (but still refuses to shave it off), his pesimistic attitude, always seeing the glass half empty than full...blah blah... I feel like a damn has opened and it's coming all out.

And the biggest joke is; I had written an essay about him for a Valentine's contest and won! Ha ha..now if that isn't hypocritical. Oh well.

Yes dear Chatty, I entrusted you my problems from the start, and thanks to you, you reopened my eyes to all his good qualities. Maybe he isn't a porno freak, or he is loyal husband and a good dad, but he still makes me cry way too often.

Kate, It helps me to hear how you ladies have mastered your situations. Thank you for asking me to keep posting on this. I don't want to bore anyone with my problems. So it is good to know that you are genuininly interested.

Mountain Ash, Those few words, "keep the brave heart", will hopefully carry me a long way. And thank you TVC,Yonuh, Laurel for being there for me.

Sharon, all the way in Australia...this is so wonderful. So many can identify, and feel...and it's all about being a woman. How much luckier we are then men. I don't think my Hubby has anyone to talk to, and if he did...he probably wouldn't.

Louisa, You made a new start in life as well. I have so many brave ladies here as role models. Yes, that is what you are.

Hey Cletic...you are surprised as I am heh? Well, I never ever thought I had it in me either. I know you once said you are a supporter of partnerships staying together...Believe me, I tried. I really really tried.

Sorry this is all so long, but I just needed to thank each one of you. I got to hold myself back from sounding gushy, ...but that is how I feel. I just love you all and hug you back.
Hannelore

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#116144 - 04/24/07 08:06 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
yea i did say i was a supporter of marriges staying together, thats my biase....some people walk to quick some others stay too long, onlie you can decided. That being my biase rember its just my oppinion, i up front about so if people detect a biase tthen they dont need to wonder if its true it reallie is their.

all that being said angel its your life, yours not mine and you do what you feel is best for you. Afterall your the expert on this situasion how bad its been at times and how good its been, you know your limits and boundries and how far you have left to go.

in any and all respects i would support you regardless of what your desision is. married single, divorced dosent alter how or what i think of you theirs no judment in it. I onlie wish for your happiness and contentment wearever you find it.

take good care of yourself.

what are you doing dailie? can you work from wear you are or are you resting?
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116145 - 04/24/07 08:26 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: celtic_flame]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Celtic, I know where you are coming from. I have tried the last five years to save this marriage. But it can't be normal that he makes me cry at least once a week. I'm a 58 year old mature woman, and not a cry baby. I'm obviously not worth more to him, for him to change his ways.

I'm a good 2 hours drive away from our house, and staying in a hotel by the biggest lake in Europe. It lies between Germany, France and Switzerland, and is just beautiful. It's a lovely city here, flowers everywhere and streets full of people and cafe's. Infact I have checked out senior homes for my Mom, and realestate agencies for an apartment for me. And they aren't even as expensive as where I live!

Last night I drank a glas of wine in an outside cafe', and a few tables away were about 14 Boomer women all laughing and carrying on. Then I looked around, and the older couples just sat and didn't talk to each other. I opened one of my wise books, and read in the candle light. I listened to the laughing women, it was like music in the background, I thought of all of you, and felt so good and so peaceful.

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#116146 - 04/24/07 08:42 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
You will not be a bore...we are strong enabling friends.
Keep strong.
Mountain ash

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#116147 - 04/24/07 08:51 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
once a weeks a fair bit and then when you add it all together thats a lot of tears. i bet it dose play havok with your sences of self-worth or esteem. i feel soar for you that you dont feel valued or loved by him.

with cheeking out the house prices and nursing homes it sounds like your potenciallie trying to determine how your future life would be in that new town without him? as a certinety.

Its worth a thought towards a new life if your as unhappie as you are and think its beyond repaire. ie for him to change his ways or for you to react diffrentlie to his behaviour.

big desisions for you to make hope that jointlie the varring advice you get heer will aid you at this time.

Longing for femal companie and fun like those woman were having is not a bad thing...think most women benefit from frends and female connections and conectivness weather married or single. I know frends like that and fends heer make a diffrences to my life
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116148 - 04/24/07 09:02 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Mountain Ash]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Hannelore, sorry I am so late in jumping in to support you. I guess it's because I've always enjoyed reading the posts about you and your family gatherings, so I find this sorta sad. I hope you don't get upset with me but I have a few questions.

-What happened five years ago that made him change?

-Is that when you became totally independent with your own real estate business?

-Do you think he's jealous of your success?

-Did the kids leave five years ago?

-What happened to him around that time personally or professionally?

-Do you think he's depressed and needs counseling and/or medication?

You don't have to answer these questions for me. I just thougth I'd throw them out there because 31 years is a long time.

However, I don't believe you should be held prisoner in your own marriage. Since you were able to move so quickly, I imagine this has been simmering for a very long time.

Please keep us posted on how you continue to feel.

By the way, how is your mom feeling? I recall you had a scare before you went away.

Your observation of the couples and boomer women is very telling. I wish we could be there for you in person.

Feel love and warmth coming your way because it is. I beleive you are a strong woman with her head on straight. I have faith that you will do what is best.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116149 - 04/24/07 03:03 PM Re: I need someone to talk to
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Dotsie, I can imagine this being a surprise, because I never really wanted our marriage problems to be real. Not admitting to them to the world, except to Chatty, and later on to Celtic was like avoiding the first step to self realization.

My husband always had a problem with my family members. I don't know why. He just sees everything negative about them ( and when I tell you there is nothing negative, that is the truth.) I'm close to my Mom and my brother, but not abnormally close. Because of his attitude he forces me into a defensive stand, which he interperts as 'him against us'. Eeee this is sounding sick. Of course his attitude worsened when my mother's second husband died, and Mom moved down the street from us. Yes...that was about 5 years ago, so there is a connection.

Maybe he was jealous of my business at first, but then when he retired 6 years ago, he got involved with it, and we actually work well together. Sometimes I tell him I would like to quit and just pursue writing and painting...but he doesn't support me there. Although I got to admit, he may be right on that account.

One son left 10 years ago and the other 5 years ago. The difference is that he scolds me more now; ... since no one is there to witness.

No, he doesn't suffer under depression...but if he keeps this up with me...he'll probably trigger it in me. You know Dotsie, I can remember you wrote in one of your posts how much everyone loves your husband and that is why you love him so much. Exactly this is what I miss in my husband. I wish he were more American! I miss him giving big happy smiles, making people feel comfortable in his prescence....whatever...he has turned into an old fart when it comes to other people. Sorry, can't think of any other word.

My mother is in care at her home. She supports me however I decide without trying to influence me. She is so precious that way. Especially because she knows that Hubby can't stand her, and has often asked, "what have I done to him?"

Those were good questions Dotsie, and have helped me see clearly.
I'm doing okay. I have to drive home tonight, because I have a doctor's appointment in the morning. Oh boy...we'll see what happens.

If you don't hear from me soon, call the German police....No, I'm only kidding. Where is that high -pitched hysterical laugh coming from? I better get out of this computer cafe' before they throw me out.

Hugs and thank you's for caring.
Hannelore

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#116150 - 04/24/07 04:57 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Hannelore, you were the last one on my mind also before I went to sleep last night. Maybe your visit back home will be a pleasant one. Hopefully this is his wake up call. And remember, your winning entry showed all his good traits and why you love him and he loves you. That is not hypocritical at all. Love has bumps.

Keep us posted because we want to know how you are doing, sister.
_________________________
chick
~ Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't ~
~ Prayer is the most we can do for another human being ~

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#116151 - 04/24/07 05:00 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: chickadee]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
Hannelore, you are such a bright light. I hope that your husband can recognize it and not dim it. And that you value your light enough to keep it shining, no matter what you have to do.
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116152 - 04/24/07 06:54 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Casey]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
well we close to same time line you a hour behind or is that us....behind you.

Anyway i know its evening and you be home soon, i am thinking about you lots at this time hope it ok for you tonight.
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116153 - 04/24/07 07:07 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: celtic_flame]
Madalyn Offline


Registered: 04/11/07
Posts: 41
Hannelore~~I've only been on this board a short time, but already I see what a sweet Lady you are. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be good to yourself and do what makes you really Happy. I've spent alot of years being the pleasing wife, and only in the past couple of years have I found my own voice. I understand what you are going thru. Many Blessings to you Dear Lady.

Madalyn

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#116154 - 04/24/07 07:41 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Madalyn]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
How did the stop at home go for you, Hannelore?

I have thought about you often in the past few days. When you say you cry at least weekly it breaks my heart. You also say you have worked for five years to keep the marriage together. Has your husband worked at this, too, or just you alone? Relationships involve more than one person, and everyone involved needs to work together, and in the same direction, for the same purpose in order to make a difference.

Of course, you know this.

I have just been thinking about you so much and want to offer some comfort, some thoughts, some help. I wish I could be there to walk and talk with you.

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#116155 - 04/24/07 08:22 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Anno]
TVC15 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 2538
Loc: North Carolina
I hope you have a peaceful visit home. No big blow-ups! Let us know how you are.
_________________________
Where I've been lately

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#116156 - 04/24/07 08:46 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
Songbird Offline
Member

Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 2830
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
Dear Hannelore, I'm sorry you are going through this situation. Marraige should be about love and caring. There is no room for selfishness and that attitude, altough, sadly, it happens. Please take care of yourself and consider each decision. There are times when, couples need to separate to realize the situation at hand. It's important that you are safe and free to make the best decisions for yourself.
I'll be praying.
_________________________
In His love, Songbird
http://expressionpublishingministries.com
www.inkspirationsbyrhodi.blogspot.com
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#116157 - 04/24/07 09:15 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Songbird]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Hi gals…as the Stomach Turns…to be continued….

Hubby actually drove out to look for me. And if this isn't a coincidence, I was just about to leave the area when he turned in. There we were; his car in one direction and my car in the other, and he was crying.

I had to drive on, … the light changed, and he turned and followed me. We stopped at the next parking lot, and my big bully husband got out and cried on my shoulder.

Of course it melted my heart…I'm not made out of stone …but there was this feeling of coldness in me as well. I thought, … see buddy … now it's your turn to cry. How do you like it? Anyway he took me out to eat, neither of us had any appetite, and then I followed him home.

I made it clear that I think he needs help. And I made it clear if he doesn't get it, then we have to go out separate ways. Actually I feel totally drained, but at least we are undertaking something. I truly hope and pray the doctor will figure out why he is the way he is.

Gonna sleep in the boys room tonight. Just taking one step at a time. Thank you all for accompanying me in this emotional roller coaster ride. I don't know what I would have done without you.

Hi Madalyn and welcome to this stormy beginning. It's not always like this here. Thank you for all your prayers. I truly think they helped.

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#116158 - 04/24/07 09:56 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Edelweiss]
Laurel Offline


Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 431
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
LOl, AS The Stomach Turns. I like that.

Hang in there Hannelore. Hold your ground. If he's making your life a living hell don't let him off just because he's had a few tears.

He needs counceling and possibly medication. It sounds like his behaviour may be linked to his retiring and the last chick leaving the nest. Some men lose it about that time.

Men who are depressed act differently then women. Instead of acting withdrawn and mopie they usually show anger and contempt for others. Sounds like depression to me.

There has to be a reason he doesn't like your family. Why does he see them as a threat? Is he insecure and thinks they take your time away from him?

Keep us posted.

Laurel

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#116159 - 04/24/07 10:10 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Laurel]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Hannalore,
Here is what I did before I left my husband. I did not want to break up my kids home or be hasty so I read this somewhere and it worked.
Keeping in mind that we cannot change anyone else, only ourselves, I gave myself 6 months.
I put 100% into my marriage. I was nice, complimentary, tried not to get mad at the smallest thing, was supportive etc. for six months. Then I revisited.
In my case I had to leave, the writing was on the wall. I had no guilt, no doubt. I had given it my all and it was clear that I had to leave.

Might be something for you to try. As we all know, living with another person, especially of the opposite sex is a real challenge. But if there is more bad than good it's not worth it to stay. Be careful though, sometimes we blame our spouse for everything, including our unhappiness. Our happiness is up to us.

I also did up a pro and con list before the six months and after. I always do this when confused about a decision.
If there are way more cons then pros, then you have your answer.

Hope this helps.
Kate

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#116160 - 04/24/07 10:59 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: katebcca]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
Hannelore, stay strong and you will make the right decision. I hope this is the much needed wake up call for him and for you.

I believe you will make the best choice for you no matter what you decide. You are a wise and wonderful woman!

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#116161 - 04/25/07 12:00 AM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Anno]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
i so glade you didnt get home to anger. Tears for whatever reasons better than anger.

i bet he is so glade your home and i hope that it gives him the reasoning to relise that things have to change and that means his effort too.

I belive your worth the effort i hope he can accomplish it especillie in the biggest area as you say in relashion to your mum.

well your home safe and sound and heers to a new start for you and hubbie if thats what you want.

feeling drained... might take couple days to get your energie up. Thoughts and feeling be easier then.

you got my prayers and hope for the best possible outcome for you..

dont be a stranger to heer, please
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116162 - 04/25/07 01:00 AM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: celtic_flame]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hannelore, please excuse me for hopping on so late, yet please know that my heart and prayers are with you. Without explaining, I understand your position. I've been to the Bodensee and cannot think of a more lovelier place to ponder your thoughts. Stick to your guns gal!

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#116163 - 04/25/07 02:44 AM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: celtic_flame]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
I'm sorry to hear things are messy with hubby, Hannelore. May you each find the best way(s) out of this over time.

And think about doodling some painting/drawing some time later...soon.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
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#116164 - 04/25/07 06:49 AM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: orchid]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Hannelore, I feel really bad that I didn't see this sooner. Like several of the other gals here, I can see similarities with my own situation.

Husband a bully? CHECK! Selfish? CHECK! Irrational? CHECK! Childish? CHECK! Bad-tempered? CHECK! Always negative? CHECK! CHECK! and CHECK!

I understand the breaking point. There comes a day when you just can't take one...iota...more.

In my case, I left. For a day. A weekend. Two weeks. Incommunicado all times. Was he screaming and starting fights over absolute crap? "Bye, I'm gone, fight with the walls, but I'm no longer here."

Now he knows if he starts that garbage, I'm out the door. Home life is tolerable, for the first time in ages. He's almost nice to me most of the time. Truth be told, he's nice to me a lot, tons of compliments, where it used to be all insults. But I no longer love him. Don't want him, except to pay the bills.

He so doesn't get it. Doesn't realize just how "too late" it really is. But he never got it before either, so this shouldn't be a surprise.

Sounds like your husband will never get it either. You have to decide what you can, and cannot, live with. If he's worth it. Ultimately, he also has to decide what's important to him.

We're here for you, whatever happens. Be strong.
_________________________
My handcrafted jewelry:
limited edition designs
more jewelry, plus bead supplies

Poet and essayist

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#116165 - 04/25/07 09:07 AM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: meredithbead]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
morning angel jist saying hi and letting you know i am thinking of ya...hope you got some rest and sleep last night and your energie comming back. Did you make the doc appontment?
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116166 - 04/25/07 09:23 AM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: meredithbead]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Meredith, when I got home there was your package lying on the table. What a wonderful welcome gift that was for me. I have your beautiful earrings on now. And I dressed to match them;…white slacks and a black top. When I don't have puffy eyes, I'll have some pictures taken and send them to you.

Did I write that check list? Oh my, maybe our husbands are related. We are being very civil and polite to each other. I'm checking out where he can go for therapy. He's leaving all that up to me. I hope and pray it will help. I know what you mean Meredith about it being "too late"… I'm almost there too, but will do as Kate suggested…set a limit, and see if things change.

Laurel, I think he thinks my family takes me away from him. That's why he needs help. I just can't anymore.

Ann and Celtic, I just well up with all this love.

Orchid, you are so right. Painting is a fantastic therapy…it always takes me to Neverland. Does that happen to you too?

Mustang, you have been to Bodensee? Yes, it was a good place to ponder. Some guy with huge dark sunglasses even tried to pick me up. Ha ha…that hasn't happened to me in a long time. He was probably a gigolo looking for an "older" lady with cash. I left the café;… that's the last thing I need right now.

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#116167 - 04/25/07 12:00 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Edelweiss]
TVC15 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 2538
Loc: North Carolina
I'm glad he has decided to try therapy Hannalore. 32 years deserves that. And if it doesn't work, at least you will always know that you tried and I think you will be able to live with that. In any case, at least you got a nice little mini vacation and a break from the marriage scene for a couple days. Getting hit on by a stranger had to be a boost to you ego as well!

Good luck to you my Boomer sister!
_________________________
Where I've been lately

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#116168 - 04/25/07 04:39 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: TVC15]
Jane_Carroll Offline
member

Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 1521
Loc: Alabama
HL...
Sorry...haven't been in much lately...just know I'm thinking of you...and supporting you in whatever you decide to do...take care of you...you are precious...
_________________________
Jane Carroll

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#116169 - 04/25/07 09:51 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Jane_Carroll]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
As I said before because I truly believe it. Most men are nothing more than naughty little boys with long pants and they need to be taught where the boundaries are, and made to adhere to them or they, just like little boys, will act up and push us to our limits...
_________________________
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http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#116170 - 04/25/07 09:54 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Jane_Carroll]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Hannelore, glad the jewelry arrived safe and sound!

And I'm especially glad that your husband will go in for therapy. El Hub never thought there was a problem until it was too late, and then it was ...too late. Maybe yours will work out a little better.

Best of luck. You're in our hearts.
_________________________
My handcrafted jewelry:
limited edition designs
more jewelry, plus bead supplies

Poet and essayist

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#116171 - 04/26/07 02:00 AM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: meredithbead]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
Yes, I hope that the therapy makes a difference. Although going to therapy doesn't mean he will be IN therapy. Only time will tell. But, yes, you have to feel that you have done everything you can. Only then can you leave with a clear conscience.

We're there for you!
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116172 - 04/26/07 06:51 AM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: chatty lady]
diamond50 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/10/06
Posts: 992
Loc: Honolulu, Hawaii
Hannelore, as long as he works VERY hard to fix
everything, you will have many more years of happiness
together.
I have a friend whose husband dropped a bombshell on
her after 35 years of marriage. It seemed impossible,
but both agreed to go to counseling, therapy and what
not and their marriage has never been better : )

I know the same can happen for the two of you.

Above all, pray like you've never prayed before!

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Cindy

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#116173 - 04/26/07 06:58 AM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Casey]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Ha! Chatty.."men are naughty little boys with long pants"….so true, and they seldom think of the consequences.

I'm wondering if I suggested the right thing. I told my husband that he should go to the therapist (who is also a marriage counselor) alone. I'll be going later with him in any case, just not sure in what sequence this is right. Anyone have experience with this?

Five large pine trees were cut down in our back yard yesterday. Our garden is so much sunnier now. Maybe it is symbolic of what is to come? While I was gone Hubby called our oldest son and told him what is going on. I'm so touched how my boys are reacting to all of this. It must have been a shock for them, for they had absolutely no idea. They are planning to take their father out for a "man's day this weekend and hear him out. I told them I don't want them taking sides, (although I got to admit, it is comforting to know they are supporting me.)

They used a huge fire-engine ladder truck to get up to the top of the trees to cut them down. After the trees were all cut, one of the guys asked me if I would like a ride in the ladder cage. Well, you know my friends, I could never say no to an offer like that. Within a few minutes we were up at the highest peak, (30 meters, that's about 91 feet). I looked down at our house, which looked as tiny as a dollhouse, and I thought, gee, all problems should be looked at from this perspective.

I saw our home, and our blooming garden, which we both worked on with love. I saw neighbors come out and wave at me, dogs were barking, sun was shining…it all looked like a page out of a children's book. As the ladder lowered down, my husband took my hand and helped out of the steel basket. It was an eye opener in more ways than one.

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#116174 - 04/26/07 07:33 AM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Edelweiss]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
woooohooooo i have gone up in the cage tooo with knews knocking lol but hay that whats life is for, calm then little burst of adreneline producing exitment i am soooo proud of you for having the senvces of adventure...

now serious things a hand out the cage, glade he's treating you with respect.

marrige counsellers how it works heer they see you both for a few sessions get a bit of relashionhis going with both of you then singluarie for one or two to get the perspective from each of you's (and what you wont say in front of partner) then both together for the rest of the sessions. Its so counseller has relashionship with BOTH OF YOU and trust from BOTH..Could you stick with convention and both go together and he can or you can both have a seperat counseller for individuel problems?

heer they will do couples counselling like above ......then single counselling at diffrent time but not at same time (generallie) to avoid conflict between what the diffrent counselers are guiding the person towards (whatever goal). Or direct hubbie towards a diffrent counseller from which you will engage in couples counselling with....

Mostlie the counselling dynamic is based of the type and qualitie of the relashionship ones has with their counseller, you not gonna tell much too someone you mistrust or dont like or feel judged by...a lot get shown up via the relashionship "type" one has with the counseller ie rebellion to (perceved authoritie figures, or compliances with lol)

if your wonderring if its the right thing, aske yourself what conserness you?
Is it worrie that hubbie will have strong bond between counseller that you will be intruding on? (not saying you will be but wonderring if thats what ya feel)
Will conseller take his side as he has his side of the situasion first and for longer?.
why not both go on the first session (informe counseller) then discuss the pros and cons with him/her for both couples and singles counselling, let him/her know what your intensions are, let him/her tell you what their boundries and capabi;lities are.....thats what your paying her/him for lol work the bissium lol.....

thats how its generallie done over heer but your countrie may be diffrent and the counsellers prefrinces may come into play.....

thats a good question and i am wonderring what the cultural diffrences are about this?
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116175 - 04/26/07 10:01 AM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: celtic_flame]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Hannelore..
seeing your world from the ladder IS symbolic.
In counselling training we were taught to "think Martian" as a way of remaining unbiased.
years ago an eight year old in my class was run over and died.
That evening after a sad funeral my husband took me to walk up our local hill.1454 feet high.As I looked from all sides I saw the school... the cemetary... my home village his home. It was a moment I remember.
You seem to have had this too.
Now when I have bad days I use that walk to try to put a perception on things.
You are doing well........the family helping will do more than any counsellor.
Have you photos/videos of happier times...a trip to happy places to revisit? do all you can before making a decision.Even another trip away on your own where he goes through the missing you stage.
Thinking of you and sending blessings from Scotland.
Muntain ash

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#116176 - 04/26/07 01:37 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Mountain Ash]
Laurel Offline


Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 431
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Hannelore,
Glad he's decided to take your advice and go to counceling. That's the first step.

I'll be praying for you. I know everything will work out.

Laurel

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#116177 - 04/26/07 05:08 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Laurel]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada

Counselling never worked for us. Actually one counsellor told us to separate. My ex always found something wrong with the counsellor or he would act like everything was perfect so that didn't help at all.

For me, counselling is just one step before divorce. When it gets to the point where counselling is necessary, in my opinion it's already too late. The damage has already been done and it's far to hard to go back and fix it. I know that people do but for me it didn't work.

Your husband had a wake up call and will treat you better for a while, but then he will fall into old patterns again. He wants to change to keep you around and that is not the right reason so he won't be able to keep it up for long. He may even resent having to behave this way as it's work. If change is needed, he would have to be the one to want to change for his own reasons, not for you, or to keep you happy. Again, just my opinion from my experience.

It does take two though and although I left my ex because I was unhappy, I had a part in the breakdown of our marriage and realized that many years later when I was in therapy. The marriage wouldn't have lasted anyway because he was a cheater and an alcoholic and needed to change for his own sake not mine. I also had my issues and we were just not compatible. We get along ok now for the kids sake.

Only time will tell. I'm a big advocate for staying together if it works. I don't like to see marriages break up especially for the children's sake, whether they are grown up or not. But there comes a time when you have to be honest about what you want and not put your needs on the back burner all the time.

If your husband is serious about changing that's great, but it won't be easy for him. I hope things work out. They always work out in some way but not always in the way we hope or expect they will.
Kate

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#116178 - 04/26/07 06:00 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: katebcca]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Kate, you are probably right. Dee has told me just about the same thing.

The problem is,…and the funny thing is…it's not really a problem, but in a way it is; he isn't a complete jerk…that sure would make it easier. He is a wonderful man in many ways. So I have decided to pull this counselling thing through. If, however, he doesn't change, and he still makes me so unhappy then, … I will have to change my location.

You say there are two sides to the coin. Oh, I am sure there are,… and I am far from perfect as well,…but still, I have never hurt his feelings so bad that he gets depressed on a regular basis. That just doesn't go with loving someone. As Dee said, he has a control issue, and I'm just not letting that happen anymore.

Celtic, I think I'll change the counselling appointment so that we go together first. Thanks for your advice.
Mountain Ash, Diamond, and Laurel, and everyone else, I am so grateful for your prayers. And you know what, I think someone is listening to me up there too.

I'm doing okay, thanks to you all.
Hannelore

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#116179 - 04/26/07 08:10 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Edelweiss]
TVC15 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 2538
Loc: North Carolina
Glad to hear that you are okay and you are workiing things out, YOUR way.
That ladder sounds like it was fun! I've never been.
_________________________
Where I've been lately

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#116180 - 04/26/07 09:39 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: TVC15]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Hannelore, it's still hard for me to imagine how hurt you are when I see your smiling face in every post.

Your posts are so very wise. I especially enjoyed reading the one about the trees, garden, cage, etc. It will definitely be symbolic of your future because you are choosing to feel loved in, or out of the marriage. Look at it that way. I'm just praying it's IN because I still hear love for him in your voice.

Also, don't you just love your boys? How sweet is that?
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
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#116181 - 04/26/07 10:53 PM Couseling [Re: TVC15]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
There's a great book called "Lies at the Alter" that might make interesting reading. It's by the therapist that used to be on Oprah.

Whenever we are in a relationship and it's having issues, we also need to work on ourselves. I'm happy that you are both going first to the counselor and then seeing what will happen from there. Whatever happens, it's a great opportunity to get to know yourself better!
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116183 - 04/27/07 01:12 AM Re: Couseling [Re: ]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hannelore, you dear, I'm moved by your ladder analogy, yes it would be nice to view issues from that perspective.

Yes, I've been to the Bodensee while living in Germany early '90s. I went with the Navigators, a Christian organization that ministered to civilians and military overseas USAFE. I was lucky to be involved with the singles group and travel along to retreats.

Speaking of retreats, praying that your homefront is peaceful. Again, stick to your guns gal!

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#116184 - 04/27/07 02:44 PM Re: Couseling [Re: ]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Hah! Dotsie maybe I should change the picture...that one is about three years old anyway. ...And the true me has aged about 30 years this past week. Hey, it's one way to get compliments about my agility for my age! hee hee...

I'll check that book out Casey. Anne, your well wishes mean so much to me.

Then again, Mustang, …what the ladder analogy concerns…why do so many astronauts get spaced out?

I am sticking to my guns. I was getting weak last night, but then went up and read through my journal. That sure strengthens me.

"I am strong...I am woman.... um, how does that song go? And who sang it again?

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#116185 - 04/27/07 04:45 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Edelweiss]
Poppie Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/06
Posts: 696
Loc: London
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman....

Helen Reddy 1972.

Angel a chara...she wrote it at the time when Sandy Posie was in the charts with 'Born a Woman' and the other one!!! 'I Feel Pretty' from 'My Fair Lady'

As one could imagine it also became a torch song for the womens movement at the time.

My personal favourite is Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn and Dianne Keaton doing there versin of 'you don't own me'...from the movie 'The first wives club'...it is class and funny,


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiDg0gV468c
Popea
_________________________
''Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love

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#116186 - 04/27/07 04:50 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Edelweiss]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Helen Reddy sang the song "I am Women"

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

A good song for most of us these days, especially for those struggling. Be strong!
Kate

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#116187 - 04/27/07 04:50 PM Re: Couseling [Re: katebcca]
Poppie Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/06
Posts: 696
Loc: London
lol.....we must have posted at the same time....Kate
_________________________
''Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love

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#116188 - 04/27/07 04:51 PM Re: Couseling [Re: katebcca]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Wow, someone is much quicker than me. Maybe delete my lyrics
Kate

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#116189 - 04/27/07 05:00 PM Re: Couseling [Re: katebcca]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
No no , hahaha, don't delete...I HEAR you two singing in two part harmony!
Thanks gals...I can always count on you.

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#116190 - 04/27/07 05:47 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Edelweiss]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Yes I was definatley singing in harmony. Another favorite of mine is Donna Summers song "I will survive"

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#116191 - 04/27/07 06:58 PM Re: Couseling [Re: katebcca]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Hi Hannelore,
Just wanted to pop in and say I'm thinking of you and praying for you and your situation. I hope you're doing better today and keeping strong. Take care sweetheart.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#116192 - 04/27/07 07:02 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Dee]
Madalyn Offline


Registered: 04/11/07
Posts: 41
Hannelore~~Thinking about you too, and wishing you blessings and sunny days ahead.

((((Hugs)))

Madalyn

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#116193 - 04/27/07 08:14 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Madalyn]
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama

You're in my prayers.
_________________________
chick
~ Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't ~
~ Prayer is the most we can do for another human being ~

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#116194 - 04/27/07 11:13 PM Re: Couseling [Re: chickadee]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
katebecca, that was Gloria Gaynor (Disco Princess singing AND dancing here!)

Hannelore, join the dance line! Still thinking about'cha, gf.
_________________________
My handcrafted jewelry:
limited edition designs
more jewelry, plus bead supplies

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#116195 - 04/28/07 04:04 AM Re: Couseling [Re: meredithbead]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Are you sure, I thought it was Donna Summers, oh well, it's a good song especially if some jerk just dumped you :-)

Let's just make sure to keep on dancing!
Kate

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#116196 - 04/28/07 12:18 PM Re: Couseling [Re: katebcca]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
I woke up this morning thinking about you, Hannelore. Then the Helen Reddy song went through my mind. Strange thing is I haven't been on here for a few days, and there the song was, right in this thread.

Hmmmmmm.....

So how are you doing? Feeling strong? Feeling invincible?

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#116197 - 04/28/07 05:42 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Anno]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Ann, we are on the same wave length aren't we? Gosh that is ausome. I can't believe how wonderful you all are to keep thinking of me, even including me in your prayers. Can you all feel my hug?…It's a mighty big one!

Nothing has really changed…we are very civil and polite to each other. I'm taking 'one day at a time'…another good song. And I am putting all my cards on this counselling thing. My boys wanted to talk to their father, but haven't gotten around to it yet. I hope they do, and I hope they don't;…seems unfair to get them involved.

At this point I feel like a Leaf in the Wind. Is that a song? How about, 'A String tied to an Antenna'? Hmmm,… 'A Hair on a Lip'? 'A Run in a Nylon…?

Ugh….gonna stop before you all think I've gone wacky.

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#116198 - 04/28/07 07:54 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Edelweiss]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Sorry, I'm so late piping up. I've been on my own roller coaster ride and I hate heights!!

Anyway, I had another thought immediately upon reading your original post. Maybe, he is terribly afraid of death. You know most men are told to look at a woman's mother and you will see your wife in twenty to thirty years.

Could it be he is terrified of losing you? Some men have an irrational fear of the elderly and dieing. Could it be that he sees your mother as you in 30 years and it the thought of it terrifies him?

My ex son in law was that way. He didnt' want my daughter to breast feed his son or other motherly things because he had been abandoned by three mothers in his life. First his biological mother, then a step mom then another step mom.

I applaud your bravery in leaving. I hope you come to the ultimate conclusion that will have the best long range outcome for you and your family.

My heart and thoughts are with you right now and I'm watching you and learning for myself also. Thanks for the inspiration. You deserve the very best life has to offer.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116199 - 04/28/07 11:02 PM Re: Couseling [Re: NewLeaf]
Poppie Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/06
Posts: 696
Loc: London
Angel a chara......sending big Old Irish hugs your way hon....in my thoughts and prayers

Keep sweet and strong

Love ya

Popea
_________________________
''Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love

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#116200 - 04/29/07 01:37 AM Re: Couseling [Re: Poppie]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
New Leaf, how very sweet of you to take the time to comment, especially after all the things that you're going through right now.

My husband is 10 years older than I am…and I do think he has a problem, not with MY aging, but with his "own" aging. He likes to count himself to the young 'uns. He is in great shape and looks more like 55 than 68, but still, maybe you are on to something there.

Yes, we ladies got to be strong. I'm sure it is very hard for you too, since you still love your husband. We have to look out for ourselves and trust our instincts.

Isn't it a blessing to be able to let yourself fall in this forum, and be picked up by all these gentle hands?

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#116201 - 04/29/07 01:39 AM Re: Couseling [Re: Poppie]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
At some point your boys will each talk to their father. It is bound to happen.

But you're right they are a product of your marriage and are entitled to an opinion but they don't necessarily have full understanding of dynamics between you and hubby.

They won't be solving your marital problems. But they still need each parent,...simply as a parent.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com


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#116202 - 04/29/07 12:40 PM Re: Couseling [Re: orchid]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
There was a song by the Righteous Brothers that ran through my head for you and NL..."I think you better...better try to find another woman...one who will love you and live with you the best she can...don't start none of your grieving...this time she's leaving...she's packing up her suitcase...try to find another woman.

Not a time for being funny but it does lighten the mood, don't you think? I have been reading about this while on vaca and couldn't help but think how he would feel if you had treated his mother that way but then, men don't always reason the way we do. Sometimes, sadly, it takes the leaving bomb before they understand how irrational they have been and then, many times after that has happened too much muddy water has gone under the bridge.

I was thinking of you while gone and especially while I was playing golf with my grandson...if you can call what I did golf!
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116203 - 04/29/07 05:21 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Dianne]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
I hope today is finding you as well as can be expected and that perhaps progress is being made in your heart and home. My prayers are with you a hug angel is on its way way to you...has she arrived yet? Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug...there...hope that makes you feel better.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#116204 - 04/29/07 06:30 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Dee]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Yes, Dianne, isn't the power of music amazing? It can make you feel so strong or get you way down in the dumps. Makes me wonder why I'm so lightly influenced by it...Gosh, I'm so manipulative.

All I know is that some angel just swooped by me and practically threw me over. Here she comes again…her chubby cherub arms outstretched ready to hug my neck! What was that?! Now she just did an about face and landed on my lap and tickled my nose with her feathered wing. She's a cutie and makes me feel all warm and happy inside. Thank you for sending her over Dee. Watch out she's coming your way with hugs back! tee hee.

All is quiet at the western front…but I'm blowing my gun barrels (they do have a daisy sticking in them)…waiting for Wednesday; … Prince Therapy Day! Ew boy.

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#116205 - 04/29/07 07:12 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Edelweiss]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
Hannelore, Are you journalling? I found that really helpful when I was trying to decide what to do with the husband who is now my ex-. (Guess you can figure out what I did! LOL!)
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116206 - 04/29/07 07:48 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Casey]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Yes, Casey...I've been doing that since 2004; didn't even know it's called journaling. It does help to look back and read what has been going on in my life. It helps when I tend to get weak and want to just give in.

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#116207 - 04/29/07 08:00 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Edelweiss]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
Wednesday. I will be thinking of you.

Just the fact that he is willing to go, and so quickly, is a positive sign.

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#116208 - 04/29/07 09:08 PM Re: Couseling [Re: Anno]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
I've read all the post today and at first my heart sank for you but was immediately uplifted by the fact that you stood your ground. Honey, if you don't live your life, who will?

I applaud you for moving toward the therapy step. I cannot say whether it will work or lead you back to square one, but if you are like me, you would be saying, "but what if I didn't try?" So good for you, and for him for agreeing to go.

I was moved by his tears but quite honestly, I've seen them before. As someone mentioned previously, they were short-lived (in my situation) and the verbal abuse returned. Hopefully, this will not be the case for you. I will put myself out there by saying that ANYONE.................ANYONE who was not nice to MY MOTHER would be so history. Color him G-O-N-E. In your situation though, I just feel there is more to this than meets the eye. I don't think its your Mother, per se, but some other thing that is driving his actions (a problem of his own) and he is just using Mom as a target.

Why would he pick that one particular way of hurting you? BECAUSE....he knows it would. That is one area in your life where you are vunerable. If someone wanted to hurt me, they could talk badly about my children or my family. That act alone would hurt me to the core. Personally, I think your husband is lashing out at you for some demon of his own and chose your Mother because he knew it WOULD hurt you.

Why do "THEY" hurt the ones who love them the most? Usually it is because they can . We take it because we love them. To a point. When the straw breaks ... that's all she wrote (and all of those other cliches)

I honestly have no advice or wisdom to pass on, but I will be holding you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that peace finds you.

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#116209 - 04/30/07 12:35 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: katebcca]
pattilou Offline


Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 1
Hi, I'm brand new here, but would like to add my heart-felt words of support, encouragement and empathy. I spent 22 years of my life with a man who was mean, domineering, cruel and anger-prone. I now live alone, enjoy and appreciate my grown son and have a nice relationship with a loving man. Whatever you decide is best for you, I wish you inner peace and happiness. Pattilou

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#116210 - 04/30/07 02:11 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: pattilou]
ShirleyValentine Offline


Registered: 04/29/07
Posts: 21
Hannelore, I'm new too, hope you don't mind me coming late to this?

A few years ago I lost my dad, then not long after that, my mother, and my brother went to live in South Africa and has no contact with me.

This coincided with a lot of people being laid off work at my husband's place. He was unaffected workwise but many friends got the sack (lost their jobs).

The family losses took their toll on me, and the ructions at work took their toll on my husband and I went into the internet too much (for people to talk to I guess, since he went quiet and Martian on me).

He went cold on me, spent a whole summer sleeping head down in the bed (ie I slept with his his feet next to my face :rolleyes:)

I eventually confronted him and he was weird said everything was ok, but I pushed it and he went loopy at me and started ranting and talking divorce and I was :O and :'(

Anyway to cut a long story short it's been a bit of a ride, but we made it through the other end.

A crisis can be a make or break deal I think, and can give the required shove to someone who is undecided or unable to deal with stuff going on in their own lives.

Personally I think my husband was depressed/going through a mid-life crisis thing but being a man wouldn't/couldn't face that. Unhappily, it coincided with a depression on my part after the loss of a beloved father (who died on the Friday following 9/11, which meant an unplanned yet unavoidable air trip two days after the Twin Towers etc but at least I got to see him before he died).

What I am trying to say is that nothing is irretrievable, but it takes two, and it takes time and effort.

I wish you all the best x

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#116211 - 04/30/07 02:40 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: ShirleyValentine]
Jane_Carroll Offline
member

Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 1521
Loc: Alabama
HL...haven't forgotten you...just haven't been around much...you're in my thoughts every day!
_________________________
Jane Carroll

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#116212 - 04/30/07 08:42 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Jane_Carroll]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
not been in all weekend so just catching up.....hope you doing ok hl i also thinking of ya.
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116213 - 04/30/07 12:03 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: celtic_flame]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Honestly, if I am feeling better today, it's because of all your wonderful posts! I tip my hat to anyone who has read this entire thread…"As the Stomach Turns"…is turning into a series.

JJ, you made me think, and it did tug at my heart strings; especially that question you posted;
"Why would he pick that one particular way of hurting you? BECAUSE....he knows it would." Hubby prefers to go to the therapist alone. I don't care, as long as he goes, and the Vodoo Doc can drive the 'demon' out of him.

Hi pattilou… Thank you for sharing your positive experience and welcome to the greatest place on the net.

Shirley, I am so touched that new members partake and share their personal stories. You said;
"He went cold on me, spent a whole summer sleeping head down in the bed (ie I slept with his his feet next to my face :rolleyes:)"..
Sorry but this made me laugh. If my Hubby did that to me…I wouldn't have to leave him…I'd die first from the smell.

Celtic, have you been celebrating all weekend with Po? Makes me happy to hear happy stories. Jane, thank you.

Mitzkity, your last line made me smile too, "it's ALL ABOUT US! not THEM!"

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#116214 - 04/30/07 12:11 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Edelweiss]
TVC15 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 2538
Loc: North Carolina
Glad you're feeling better Hannalore!
And I hope everything works out the way you'd like it to.
I guess first you'll need to decide how you'd like it to turn out though...
Best of luck girlfriend!
_________________________
Where I've been lately

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#116215 - 04/30/07 02:40 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: TVC15]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Guten Tag, Mein Fruend (hope I spelled all that correctly...it's been ages since I had to spell in German). I hope this finds you having a better day than yesterday and with more hope for tomorrow.
Hey...your hug angel is sitting on my shoulder waving at the screen. I'm sending her back your way to give you more hugs...:)
Hang in there dear friend and always remember you're not alone...you have all of us cheering you on. In the meantime, keept these thoughts in mind:

How long will this hurt? As long as you want it to.
How long will someone keep hurting me? As long as you let them.

Keep that beautiful chin up and even though you don't feel like smiling, remember your BWS friends are here and when you can't smile for yourself, we'll do it for you.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#116216 - 04/30/07 03:01 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns [Re: Dee]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Hannelore, so glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor!

How's he acting? Is there any difference in the way he's treating or tending to you? I hope you are able to LIVE and not stay focused on this all the time. How are you? Is your mind preoccupied with other stuff? I know marriage issues can be overwhelming.

I'm praying you are taking one day at a time, keeping up with work, golfing and making time for YOU! Are you?
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116217 - 04/30/07 07:00 PM Re: As The Stomach Turns
Laurel Offline


Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 431
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Hannelore,
Glad things are going better for you.

I feel confident that the counceling will go well.

::trying to use that positive thinking::

Laurel

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#116218 - 04/30/07 07:56 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
humlan Offline


Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 1341
Loc: Sweden
dear dear friend..i can´t help calling you friend because your letter sounds so much like me quite a few years ago..i don´t think your desperation and sadness is just about the incident with your poor mom. you write, "i am so sick of this never-ending tyranny".. Hannelore, can you breathe..be happy and light hearted (which you definitely are judging by your mails) and alittle crazy in your marriage? Can you listen to the music you want to? Do you feel free? Can you be YOU? Do you know who YOU is? Read your own mail again, dearest.. do you hear what you are saying? Really hear it?

You ask what would i do? i left my husband after 34yrs of marriage and we lost a child together, Hannelore. We had 5 kids together. I spent 15 yrs trying to make it work..trying to survive..making myself the culprit..the guilty one. i am not saying that i don´t have my share in what happened..but i couldn´t go on killing myself..not in the end. we had our good times, even during the last 15yrs. our love and life went up and down..but i was smothering myself. at 53, i decided that i just didn´t have all that much time left of life. and what i had left, i had to live another way..BREATHING FREELY and CALMLY. i couldn´t live feeling guilty anymore because i couldn´t live up to my husband´s expectations and rules. and i didn´t want to. his rules were so different from mine. i found that i don´t have that many rules after all these years of living. life is an adventure which should be experienced, loved and laughed in. it´s not a valley of tears and alot of "musts" as my husband loved to say. Does any of this ring a bell in your heart? If not, then i am way off base..which i can be not knowing you at all..and even if i did know you, i could be totally wrong. But you wrote, "i feel tyranized" and it just struck a cord in my heart. and i had to write to you.

i am not advocating divorce. it´s a very tough road to go. and not the one to be recommended. unless you are dying inside. i left my husband in the summer of 2000. and i had to work my way up again from my own "black hole".. but now i can say that it was worth it. i lost 40pounds in 3 months, if you can believe it. ok, i needed it..but i have put it all back on since then. i am now living with a swedish sambo and my youngest son,17. my sambo is only 34yrs old. but as a good friend said, "i understand your thinking. you don´t want to replicate what you had before..you are doing something new, different" or something to that effect. and she´s right. i won´t marry again either. that was with my husband and my children. in sweden the marriage thing isn´t all that important anyway. legally or otherwise. i don´t feel anger or anything towards my husband now. i had to work my way thru all that..but i did. it is sad and tragic that we couldn´t make a go of it all the way to the end. it´s what i planned..dreamed of, if you will. but we grew apart over the years. noone is to blame. there IS no blame. i love him for what he gave me and what we built and lost together. and yes, we lost alot. but i had to go..to save myself. i couldn´t be "tyranized" anymore.

So,Hannelore (i love your name), i wrote this just to give you something to think about. not to advise you in any direction..whatever you do or don´t do..it will work out for the best. life usually does. you are exactly where you should be right now. and your life and your love will show you the way..when you are ready... i sincerely..very sincerely send you my love and write again if you want/need to..

A few questions and thoughts to think about:
1)do you have friends or your own family that react to the way your husband treats you?
2)your spoken and unspoken dreams/plans for your future..are they similiar to those your husband has?
3)do you feel that your husband SEES you and HEARS you and APPRECIATES you?
4)your economy will not be what you have now. Is that ok? is it worth it? can you make it on your own?

Ok, lots of love, hannelore, i mean it!!!!!
_________________________
"some sacred place.."

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#116219 - 05/01/07 04:31 AM Post deleted by Dotsie [Re: humlan]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116220 - 05/01/07 09:20 AM Re: I need someone to talk to
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
mitzkitie i loved that too and i find it so true for life and viewed in that light we have self control over thosebits even if not over our partners..

ah HL its onlie turning into a seriouse as you put it becouse a lot of women love and care for you heer...dosen't it show iteself! and we all intrested in seeing you ok and how it turnes out..

hubbie wantting to go to "vodoo head doc" lol maybee indicates he dose have some stuff to air that he wouldn't want you too heer some times thats about the other person sometimes thats about his pride or not wanting to be vulrible with you knowing whats "up or wrong with him" (as some people view it)

yep me and po had dinner and she went home with lucien at weekend...now she researching and buzzing with ideas...its good to see her so engroused with it all...

i also got a pushbike hadent had one in over 24 yrs oh they changed soooo much lol have suspecsion and all lol...i been enjoying the nice weather lucien was a bit jelouse he's not a big enough boy to peddle it so i weel him around sitting on the saddle...he got over his jelousie in one afternoon and now cuddles it and forever poking it and "whats that" oh look ....brakes lol. its all good heer at the moment, thank god.

PS(grannie annie got her pakage and i didnt tell onces what it was and you know how hard that was for me lol)
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116221 - 05/01/07 09:22 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: celtic_flame]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
opps just publiclie gave summasion of whats going on heer
ah well i try phoning again soon lol...and talk verie verie slowlie...but no laughing at my nerves lol
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116222 - 05/01/07 05:19 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: celtic_flame]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Gulp, gulp....just peeked in to gasp for air … That's what you all give me.

Humlan, I deeply respect you sharing your own personal experience with divorce. I know that isn't easy, it took me a long time to reveal that we have marriage problems. You gave me a lot to think about. Those are brilliant questions, and I am pondering them through.

I'm in a state of limbo right now, … just waiting out this therapy thing, and not making any decision one way or the other.

Celtic, I'm soooo proud of you for keeping the CD secret of Ann right to the end. I know you were bursting at the seams. ha ha. Hon, I just want to say that Hubby has no idea at all that I am sharing all this personal information…So if you should call, it might very well be that I can't talk. Just warning you if I just say yes and no….oh gosh, how old am I? 12?

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#116223 - 05/01/07 05:22 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
gottcha we irish are good at gessing lol when you get a responces like that from a mate on the phone ...and their lots of ermmms the next question, whispered is oh is he their then they go yeaaaaa i think so tooo...or is that just women that do this the world over lol.
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116224 - 05/01/07 05:32 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: celtic_flame]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Of course I should have known...you worldly woman you!

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#116225 - 05/01/07 05:51 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
No advice but just want to say you are in my thoughts and I wish you peace.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116226 - 05/01/07 06:00 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Dianne]
Poppie Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/06
Posts: 696
Loc: London
Been sooo busy Angel a chara...but you have been on my thoughts and prayers....keep strong

Popea
_________________________
''Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love

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#116227 - 05/02/07 12:58 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Poppie]
Dreamer Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 194
I haven't been around for many, many weeks, and I haven't read everything that has transpired here; but I'm so sorry I've been away and not here to leave even more support, understanding and love for you. Just know I'm with you all the way and hope today has been a very good one for you.

Dreamer
_________________________
Friends are the sparkling brooks
that flow through our lives.
(Walt Whitman)

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#116228 - 05/02/07 02:47 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Dreamer]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
Don't have much to add, either. Just want you to feel that California lovin!
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116229 - 05/02/07 03:02 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Casey]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
And same here. I've been too busy with work to drop in much, but you are never far from my thoughts, Hannelore.

Dreamer, I'm so happy to see you here again!

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#116230 - 05/02/07 07:02 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: jawjaw]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
How are things going Hannelore. I too am just so darn busy its actually hard for me to get in here now to post and certainly not at all like before when I had an answer for everyone on everything. My heart is here with you all however.
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#116231 - 05/02/07 08:07 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: chatty lady]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Despite the fact that you are all so busy, you still find the time to check in here on me.

I just want to say, I know your thoughts and best wishes are out there, and you don't need to let me know. I know it...I feel the love.

I've been terribly busy myself lately; sold two houses...yippee!!!

Just a quick update: Hubby went to THE therapist today. He came back beaming like a Cheshire cat. The therapist is a male...why do I feel a big bonding was going on? Hah! I'm meeting Dr. Voodoo on Friday...let ya all know if I let him live ...or NOT.

Oh, and you must know that I have you all in my prayers too.
Goodnight and hugs and hugs and hugs,
Hannelore

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#116232 - 05/02/07 11:16 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
I am glad he came back smiling. It's much better than growling!

Two houses! Way to go! And (((HUGS))) right back at ya!

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#116233 - 05/03/07 12:55 AM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Anno]
SharonE Offline


Registered: 02/19/07
Posts: 248
Loc: Australia/ U.S. websites
Congratulations on your sales, that's an awesome achievement considering all that's been going on in your life lately. Well done!
Good to hear Hub is bonding with Dr Voodoo, you may see some major changes there. All the best.
_________________________
Best Wishes,
Sharon
The Secret Part II: http://takeaction.thesgrprogram.com
For U.S. Baby Boomers: www.babyboomerexpress.com

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#116234 - 05/03/07 04:11 AM Post deleted by Dotsie [Re: SharonE]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116235 - 05/03/07 06:02 AM Re: I need someone to talk to
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Hey Hannelore, I hope it is a counsellor that both of you want together if it means counselling involving both of you. How was this counsellor located and by whom? I forgive me if you told us earlier...

I'm glad you scored another success- for those sales.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com


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#116236 - 05/03/07 05:01 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: orchid]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
congrats on the 2 in a week with all thats going on for ya....

well dr vodoo tommorow for you good luck girl.

is he a head shrinker vodoo type doc...?? i just having fun and trying to picture it lol...
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116237 - 05/03/07 05:49 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: celtic_flame]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
It wasn't easy finding a counselor, Orchid. Infact he was the only one I found...so I hope he's good.

Yes, Celtic he's a head shrinker and a marriage counselor combined.
With a little salt and pepper, and a carrot or two...he dips our heads into boiling water and shrinks all those nasty thoughts out of our brains….

Oh brother…tomorrow I have to be there at 9:00. I don't really know how I'm going to approach this. Should I bring notes with me, or just play it by ear? All I know is if I see a big black pot with boiling water, I'll pick up my heals and run!

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#116238 - 05/03/07 06:00 PM Re: I need someone to talk to [Re: Edelweiss]
Poppie Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/06
Posts: 696
Loc: London
Angel a chara..you will be just fine, and you will of course be in our thoughts and prayers too...(hubble, bubble snicker and squeak! !)
Love ya

Popea
_________________________
''Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love

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#116239 - 05/03/07 08:13 PM You're in my prayers.... [Re: Poppie]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Hey Hannelore,
Husband, wife upsets are difficult. I know. I was married 4, 14 years to my lst husband. And if that young blonde homewrecker had not come along, I'd still be married to him. I've been married to the 2nd guy for 26 years now. I'm happy, as a person can be married. But I dated that 1st man 4, 3 years prior to wedlock and 17 out of a person's life is a long time. I think of him even yet. And as the song says,
"Breaking up is hard to do." So, I understand. And you're in my prayers. I sincerely wish for your happiness. And that's my prayer. Blessings.
b. rose

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#116240 - 05/04/07 01:54 AM Re: You're in my prayers.... [Re: jabber]
Laurel Offline


Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 431
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Hannelore,
Congrats on the sales! That's great. I'm also glad that your husband came back in good spirits. That means he won't mind going back.

It would probably be a good idea to bring a list of questions and concerns. Of course I'm thinking of myself and how absent minded I am. You may not need a list.

You'll do great. I'm pulling for you.
Laurel

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#116241 - 05/04/07 05:03 AM Re: You're in my prayers.... [Re: Laurel]
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Hannelore, definitely make a list, and before the session is over, pull it out to make sure you covered everything. It beats wondering about it until next session. No harm in having it.
_________________________
chick
~ Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't ~
~ Prayer is the most we can do for another human being ~

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#116242 - 05/04/07 05:29 AM Re: You're in my prayers.... [Re: chickadee]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Bonnierose, what a wonderful gesture to post a prayer thread for me? … Gee, for me. Thank you so very much. I believe your prayers area all helping. I found an inner strength that I didn't realize I had. Okay...I'll write that list now, I have an hour before I have to go.
Thanks again Laurel and Chick too.

Hannelore

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#116243 - 05/04/07 12:55 PM Re: You're in my prayers.... [Re: Edelweiss]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Hannelore, how did it go...if you feel like sharing. Glad to hear your husband came home in a good mood. That's curious. I wonder if he gave the guy the whole picture. I guess you'll find out.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116244 - 05/04/07 01:22 PM Re: You're in my prayers....
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Okay everyone, I'm not allowed to talk to Hubby about this, but I sure can tell all of you.

I really liked the doctor, and I am drumming up all my positive feelings, hoping he can help us. He confirmed that we can't change my Hubby, but what I can change is my own attitude.

He asked me several times why I let it get to me like I do. He said whenever there are conflicts; I should physically leave the room or whatever. My first priority is protecting myself and that I shouldn't allow myself to get sucked into his "control" thing. If I'm not there for him to verbally lash out, or to show his cold shoulder then his actions disappear in thin air.

He also said I should feel like I am free…whether I am in a marriage or not. I am a free person and can decide for myself how much time I spend with my mother. I have to learn how to stand up to my decisions and not be influenced by Hubby's attitude.

If I stop allowing myself to be in the victim role, then in the long run Hubby may change. We'll see, and if not then I can always decide what I want to do then.

Gee, I feel like someone just pushed my shoulders back and lifted my chin. I feel taller.

Onward Soldiers !!!!

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#116245 - 05/04/07 03:45 PM Re: You're in my prayers.... [Re: Edelweiss]
TVC15 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 2538
Loc: North Carolina
That is great Hannalore and interesting advice that many of us can use. Thank you for sharing. I'm so gald things are looking up for you. Keep that chin in the air!
_________________________
Where I've been lately

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#116246 - 05/04/07 04:29 PM Re: You're in my prayers.... [Re: TVC15]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Awesome! You'll start to feel better about yourself too.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116247 - 05/05/07 06:25 AM Re: You're in my prayers.... [Re: Dianne]
Poppie Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/06
Posts: 696
Loc: London
Angel a chara...I am happy that you are a little happier and hopeful about the whole situation.
As ever in my thoughts

Popea
_________________________
''Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love

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#116248 - 05/05/07 01:20 PM Re: You're in my prayers.... [Re: Poppie]
humlan Offline


Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 1341
Loc: Sweden
just checked in to see how you are doing, Hannelore..and i can see that you are trying to make things work and finding a way for yourself..whatever that turns out to be i am thinking of you and praying for you..hoping you have strength and happiness..and you seem to have both right now! Great about the houses!

i am going with a dear friend to visit her husband who has inoperable cancer in his shoulder (but it is in remission now. and on top of that he had a major stroke so he is in a wheelchair and totally dependent on others. his power of speech is very impeded so it´s mostly just my friend, his wife, who can understand him. some nurse told her the other day that he had only 2-6 months to live which was a total shock for her. and i am wondering if this nurse has the authority or medical knowledge to say this to her. i plan to gët to the bottom of this this afternoon.. my friend´s husband is only 55. life really deals us some tough blows. anything can happen at anytime, right? like your painting of a storm at sea.. just a thought, i guess, that may lead you whereever you want/need it to.

good luck and keep trying just as you are!!! and don´t forget yourself along the way! lots of love!
_________________________
"some sacred place.."

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#116249 - 05/06/07 03:58 PM Re: You're in my prayers.... [Re: humlan]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
I've been away for a few days doing some things for my kids but wanted to drop in and tell you that you've been in my thoughts the entire time. I'm glad your counseling session went well and that you came away from it with renewed hope for youself. Sometimes all it takes is someone else to light the path in front of us to help us find our next steps. I'm proud of you and I pray that you'll find the strength to keep that chin up and those shoulders back as you go through this time of growth and healing.
Big hugs
Dee
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#116250 - 05/06/07 08:01 PM Good advice [Re: Edelweiss]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
What great advice you got! It's something we all need to be reminded of from time to time -- we don't have to pick up what the other person is dishing out.

Keep that chin up!
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116251 - 05/06/07 11:06 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Casey]
Laurel Offline


Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 431
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
I'm glad things went well at the counceling session.

That's great news.
Laurel

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#116252 - 05/06/07 11:08 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Casey]
humlan Offline


Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 1341
Loc: Sweden
just checked in to see how you were doing.. congratch on the golf win.. and signing off for now, wishing you strength and lots of sunshine
_________________________
"some sacred place.."

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#116253 - 05/08/07 06:26 AM Re: Good advice [Re: humlan]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Hubby is at the therapist again. All I can say is whatever this guy is telling my husband it is gooooood.

Hubby is making special efforts to look at my mother, talk to her, and even smile at her!!! Honestly, when he is like that, it's the best love potion I could ever have.

I have to go to the therapist again and then we'll be going together. Despite the positive results so far, I am being cautious. We have a few fields ahead of us to plough through. If anyone else should be doing a balancing act in her own marriage, I can recommend going to a therapist. Have never done it before and never ever thought it could help so much.

Thank you my friends. A miracle is happening and I do believe all your positive thoughts and prayers have truly helped.

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#116254 - 05/08/07 09:52 AM Re: Good advice [Re: Edelweiss]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
I am so happy for you, Hannelore. Remain cautious as long as you need to, but mix it up with a bit of optimisim. Sounds like you are doing just that.

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#116255 - 05/08/07 01:47 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Anno]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
This shows me that your husband wanted to change. This is wonderful news and I hope this happiness continues because we all love you here and want the best for you!
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116256 - 05/08/07 06:49 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Dianne]
Madalyn Offline


Registered: 04/11/07
Posts: 41
Hannelore~So very happy to hear things are going well. I'm wishing many Blessings and Happy Days ahead for you.

Madalyn

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#116257 - 05/08/07 08:01 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Madalyn]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
What great news! It's always so useful when BOTH people want to work things out and are willing to do the work to change.
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116258 - 05/08/07 10:07 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Casey]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Hannelore, I'm praying hubby keeps up his good works. Perhaps he was in a slump and your hitting the highway is just what he needed to come out of it. Onward with positive thoughts, shoulders back, chin up and a smile on your face.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116259 - 05/08/07 11:34 PM Re: Good advice
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
exilent news that its all going so well. It can work if both of you willing to work it so. As it sounds thats exactlie whats been happening. I AM SOOOOOOOOO HAPPIE FOR YA BOTH...
bet it making a big diffrences to your mum the way hubbie is treating her. Dose she know what is happening regarding counselleer or is it a bemusing mysterie to her why he being so nice to her?
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116260 - 05/08/07 11:37 PM Re: Good advice
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Good news...so happy for you to finally be putting this behind you and being able to love them both with no favortism needing to be shown. Certainly will destresss the situation for you. Again applauding you both!
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#116261 - 05/09/07 04:55 AM Re: Good advice [Re: Edelweiss]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Hope Hannelore over time things work out.

Meanwhile enjoy your grand-daughter. True, she is a happy distraction.
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#116262 - 05/12/07 07:02 PM Re: Good advice [Re: orchid]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
HI HL!!!!! I've been away (again) for a few weeks but you're the first post I've visited and want to tell you I'm glad therapy seems to be working and hope that progress remains on the forefront. I'm so glad that your husband is listening and responding to the therapist...it shows a desire in him to change and I hope it remains so. Have a happy Mother's day dear heart and my prayers are with you.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#116263 - 05/12/07 09:09 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Dee]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
I am truly touched that so many of you are still rooting for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Next week Hubby and I go to therapy together. I'm anxious for that to start. The last session I had with the therapist; … well it seemed as if he didn't know what else to say…and I ended up helping him along. Men…? Jeez, what can I say.

Just want to wish all you mom's and daughter's of mom's a wonderful Mother's Day. I know I'm blessed to still have my mother. Each day I spend with her is a gift.

Hugs to you all
Hannelore

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#116264 - 05/12/07 11:05 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Edelweiss]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Hannelore, I'm laughing at you playing thereapist to the therapist! I bet you were good too.
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#116265 - 05/14/07 09:29 PM Re: Good advice
Laurel Offline


Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 431
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
That's funny Hannelore. I'll be thinking about you next week when you go for counceling.
Laurel

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#116266 - 05/14/07 09:32 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Laurel]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I stopped going to my OCD therapist because we were talking about gas mileage, movies, etc. He must think I'm under control now.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
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#116267 - 05/14/07 11:11 PM Post deleted by Dotsie [Re: Dianne]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
_________________________
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#116268 - 05/15/07 08:40 AM Re: Good advice
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Is that what I was doing? Facilitating? Yes, I guess I was.
Next time I'll just let him lead us...and if he doesn't know what else to say I'll keep my mouth shut and let him squirm. ...hee hee.

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#116269 - 05/15/07 09:18 AM Re: Good advice [Re: Edelweiss]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
In counselling quiet times when no one speaks is also a tool.
Go with the flow HL.see what evolves
Mountain ash

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#116270 - 05/16/07 03:58 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Mountain Ash]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Any news?

Dianne, glad to hear you are doing well. No sense in paying anyone to talk about the gas prices. Heck the prices are bad enough on their own. Why add the cost of counseling to it?
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#116271 - 05/16/07 09:17 PM Re: Good advice
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
No kidding! I only count now when I'm feeling stressed, which isn't often.
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#116272 - 05/16/07 11:50 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Dianne]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
let him do the work hl or at lest give a discount lol
seriouslie i with mountain silences i valuable.....and its hard to learn to be comphortable with it if it comes along but even if its tense let it happen becouse in those times the stuff that someone else can say can be a true surprise...and they might not have said it any other time lol...

just rember all the normale rules of social interactting is out the window in those sessions....so let be what has to be, ermmm let be what is, ermmm just chill sistaaa lol.
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116273 - 05/17/07 11:44 AM Re: Good advice [Re: celtic_flame]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Hmmm, ....... I'm practicing .......... silence.

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#116274 - 05/17/07 02:38 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Edelweiss]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I know business people who use silence in negotiations and it works. Someone will always get uncomfortable and start giving details they shouldn't.

If you're like me, it's hard to be quiet!
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116275 - 05/17/07 04:43 PM Re: Good advice [Re: Dianne]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
In my coaching practice, I find silence to be the most valuable tool -- and the hardest one for me to practice! I was always the one uncomfortable with silence, but I'm getting better at it! :-))
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116276 - 05/18/07 01:19 AM Post deleted by Dotsie [Re: Casey]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
_________________________
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www.nabbw.com
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#116277 - 05/25/07 01:00 PM Re: The Latest Scoop
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
The latest Scoop;

Hubby and I are doing better. Got to remind him every once in a while that he has to get his act together, …but as a whole it is better.

At the marriage counseller Hubby went with a chip on his shoulder and was rather closed mouthed; …great attitude. But the counselor let him be that way, and then last five minutes they actually had a dialogue, where the counselor told Hubby how much I need him to help and support me, instead of making this whole care thing with my mother an additional burden. I was close to kissing Dr. Counselors feet….and I am not a foot person. Then I cried a little, and both men felt totally helpless… Then the counselor asked if we want to make another appointment, and Hubby said no…we don't need any more help, changes will be made.

Last week Hubby bought me a convertible. After our granddaughter leaves, in about 2 months, he wants us to take a romantic ride through Italy. No, I didn't ask if we can take my mother. (The trunk is too small)…just joshin ya all. Seeeee I'm getting better too.

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#116278 - 05/25/07 01:32 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: Edelweiss]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
It GREAT that you shared with us all and I am honoured to have listened.
Look forward to the trip and don't look back.

Mountaina sh

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#116279 - 05/25/07 01:33 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: Edelweiss]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Hannelore, you made me laugh (I love the trunk joke). I'm glad things are looking up, though I know it can still be a long process, much of it "three steps forward, one step back".

I love that idea of a romantic trip (by convertible no less) through Italy. My hubby and I have been contemplating the same sort of trip, either to Italy or Austria sometime this year or next.

Keep us posted. And keep that sense of humour alive - it's a gift!
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#116280 - 05/25/07 02:45 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: Eagle Heart]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
You're so cute and I'm so happy for you!
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116281 - 05/25/07 02:51 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: Dianne]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Your comment about not being a foot person, and the trunk were priceless. I love your sense of humor.

Try to stay focused on the future. See if there's a way to forgive him for his past concerning your mom. Try not to hold onto that. Onward dear friend!
_________________________
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#116282 - 05/25/07 03:16 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: Mountain Ash]
Poppie Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/06
Posts: 696
Loc: London
Oh Angel a Chara...I am soo happy for you that things are working out for the better
Just wanted you to know that even though I am not about much, you are very much in my heart and thoughts.

Popea
_________________________
''Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love

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#116283 - 05/25/07 04:32 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: Poppie]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
I, too, am glad that things are working out. A convertable trip through Italy -- I'm so jealous. I can't even do a convertable trip through California -- allergies make my eyes tear so much I can't see to drive! LOL!
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116284 - 05/25/07 06:33 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: Casey]
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Hannelore, nothing pleases me more than to read how everything is working out for you. You truly are blessed with a great sense of humor and a very smart hubby.
_________________________
chick
~ Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't ~
~ Prayer is the most we can do for another human being ~

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#116285 - 05/25/07 08:11 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: chickadee]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
I'm truly blessed to have friends like you! Like ALL of you! Thank you God.

This was sent to me today...had to share with you all...

Quote:

A marriage counselor was attempting to determine an angry wife's general demeanor.

"Did you wake up grumpy this morning?" he asked.

"No," replied the woman, "I just let him sleep."





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#116286 - 05/25/07 08:30 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: Edelweiss]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota


Let him sleep while you go crusin'.

I am so glad to hear that things are getting better. Love to you.
_________________________
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#116287 - 05/26/07 07:58 AM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: Anno]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Hannelore, I'm happy that marital things seem to be on the mend. The convertible trip to Italy is a good way for him to make up to you
_________________________
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limited edition designs
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#116288 - 05/26/07 11:24 AM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: meredithbead]
Jane_Carroll Offline
member

Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 1521
Loc: Alabama
Yay! So glad things are going well!
_________________________
Jane Carroll

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#116289 - 05/27/07 03:29 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: Jane_Carroll]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Hannelore, hardey-har-har!
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116290 - 05/27/07 08:42 PM Re: The Latest Scoop
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Hannelore you are so dam funny!!!! I just love you to death as you already know.
WOW> a convertible, and double WOW<WOW> cruising around Italy too. When your Mr. makes up, he really makes up...

Hey send me your email address again to my email. I destroyed my entire address book fooling around and have been rebuilding the contacts for a month now...Leave it to me the computer technical moroon!!!
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#116291 - 05/27/07 09:01 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: chatty lady]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
I love you too Chatty. And despite your busy busy life, I'm SO happy to see you around here more often!!!!

I've been having a hard time myself, stealing away to the computer, since we have our grandchild for the next two months. She's 15 months old...going on 16 years...Now I knew that the kids nowadays are maturing faster…but this is ridiculous.

As sweet as Miss Sweety Pie can be...she can turn in a flash to a Miss Fussy; screaming up a storm, and having a 'don't know what I want this very minute attitude'....

One advantage of being a grandmother is; ...You don't have any energy to get upset. And of course when she gives us her sugary smile…Grandpa and me are sticky puddy in her pudgy little hands.

But it truly is working…she is bringing Grandpa and me closer together again. Is it because we hang on each other's shoulders panting in exhaustion? Don't know…but whatever it is …it's working.

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#116292 - 06/02/07 11:21 PM Re: The Latest Scoop [Re: Edelweiss]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
know that trouble with the kids little misterman has gotton so verbal...despite all....and what expression dose it take cheek and answereing back....i have to turn my back on him so not to be seen grinning...

i not had much time to pop buy latlie, lifes frantic but i been thinking of you and wonderring how it all turned out as it was going on good trakes..

predictiblie it seems to be going extra good, a convertible is one good make up prize (let him say sorrie more often this way lol) and improved behaviour to boot, sayyyy ya think this man is kinda soft on ya or maybee even loves ya lol long may it continue i such a sukere for happie endings...

fairietale may be out the question but happie and loving pretie damn powerfull, and just what you deserve hl

so i smilling before bed, i know it be a good night to pop in heer
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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