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#116459 - 04/26/07 06:34 PM Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Last night my "husband" practically begged me to spend the night at "his" house which he shares with a young couple. I didn't want to but thought I would just to appease him.

I got there and he started in right away criticizing my daughter and my grandchildren in front of this couple. He said the girl could watch Dublin and Aaliyah for me but their mother would have to call the girl and officially ask her herself, not through me.

I was text messaging Katie to let her know what she needed to do when my "husband" came in and demanded to know what I was doing. I said I was letting Katie know she needed to call the girl herself and ask. He was drunk and agitated and kept harassing me to see if Katie had called yet.

I kept trying and finally I said, "She doesn't understand what I'm trying to tell her to do." My text msging is a challenge at best.

He flew into a rage and started screaming at me to get the F out of his house, right now, repeating it and repeating it and in front of the young couple. I had been playing a computer game and tried to close it out. He screamed at me to leave his computer the F alone and get the F out of his house and go take care of my D...ed grandchildren.

I got my things with him in hot pursuit of me and went to my car, never to return again. Never. He's humiliated me, hurt me, degraded me and hasn't been there for me during my; hardest most trying times of life.

Who needs that??!!

I took my rings off and I'm done.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116460 - 04/26/07 08:03 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Vicki M. Taylor Offline
Member

Registered: 01/06/03
Posts: 2196
Loc: Tampa, FL
I'm so sorry you went through such a degrading, horrifying episode with your husband. Has he ever had those kind of reactions while you were living in the same house?

My first reaction is what an a$$!! Protect yourself and your finances first.

I'm so sorry. I've read your message over and over and I can't find anything good to talk about. I hope you're doing well and haven't let him get inside your head. Stay positive. Be independent. Self assured. Stay strong.
_________________________
Vicki
"What you believe yourself to be, you are."
Claude M. Bristol
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#116461 - 04/26/07 11:47 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Vicki M. Taylor]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
He's trying to say he is dieing now. He just sent me a message telling me he is passing blood. What should I do????
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116462 - 04/27/07 01:05 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Newleaf, stop the drama now. He wants you to react, do NOT CONTACT HIM. He wants to control and antagonize you to gain contol of you and the situation. Separate households exist, continue that existance, move on and once your present legal battle with the grandkids concludes or nears conclusion, get a divorce, or file now. It's time to put the trash out. Please know that I have only your best interests at heart as well as my prayers.

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#116463 - 04/27/07 01:07 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: ]
Dancing Dolphin Offline
Member

Registered: 03/06/06
Posts: 2529
Loc: Southern California
NewLeaf, he's a big boy. If he's passing blood then he can haul his own butt to the doctor. You are not responsible for him.

Kathy

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#116464 - 04/27/07 02:20 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Dancing Dolphin]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
Sounds to me like an attempt to manipulate. I've been there, done that, and it will just drag you right back in. You are not responsible for him. Don't get pulled back in to his manipulations!!
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#116465 - 04/27/07 03:11 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: yonuh]
Laurel Offline


Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 431
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
He's trying to get sympathy, don't give him any. I'm with Kathy he's a big boy. If he's that bad off let his friends take him.

Also, ask yourself if he'd help you if you were in the same situation?

Laurel

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#116466 - 04/27/07 04:34 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Laurel]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Newleaf, I agree with the above comments. He's jerking your string for his own enjoyment. I doubt he's sick at all.

But just to be on the safe safe, I'd buy the most treacly barfy cutesy get well card you can find, and send it with something -- can you locate a rabbit foot keychain? super-glue a four-leaf clover (real or construction paper) to the card? -- anything that says you really don't give a (%^!@#&)(
_________________________
My handcrafted jewelry:
limited edition designs
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Poet and essayist

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#116467 - 04/27/07 06:59 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: meredithbead]
SharonE Offline


Registered: 02/19/07
Posts: 248
Loc: Australia/ U.S. websites
Nobody deserves that Newleaf. Be strong. Try not to play his games. He sounds very manipulative... passing blood, how dramatic. Wouldn't you think the people he lives with would have him at the hospital if that were the case? He makes me yawn.
You have my support and encouragement, be good to yourself. You probably feel like things are a little crazy right now, but could I suggest that you just take one day at a time, and know that you are doing the right thing for your own well being and safety. ((((Big hugs))))
_________________________
Best Wishes,
Sharon
The Secret Part II: http://takeaction.thesgrprogram.com
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#116468 - 04/27/07 07:30 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: SharonE]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
The nerve of him to ask for your help after he talked to you that way!
I agree with Sharon, be strong. Sorry, I wouldn't waste another thought on him.

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#116469 - 04/27/07 09:21 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Edelweiss]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
youve been on a rollercoster for quite a while, the hubbie at valentines...and everie couple of weeks hes hurting you potenciallie violent...constantlie abosive...throwing watches and rings at you....giving you ultimatoms..it was bad enough that a few weeks back before the trouble with the kids started that you were leaving him and had left him....before that it was about a mounth prierer he was aggressive and verging on violences in a hotel room you had booked for vaolentines day....
thats just the last lot of mounths with him and its been constant drama and caose...we just hear about it you live through it....then grandkids now this....

one question, do you need this?
what do you get out the marriage?
why do you return?
In your hart do you think he, his actions or the situasion will change?

The onlie power you have is over your self, never him. What are you willing and able to change about your own patterns of behaviour your own feelings and actions In order to stop him abousing you and to get you out of this pattern and keep you safe?....

i agree with the other women its just him manipulating you regarding the blood....if he is passing blood in urine urine then he is big enough to go hospital himself (and would)it might even just be a kidney infestion...Either actualitie its about drawing you close to him again, for control or power over you....dont let him do it to you again?..you can control that bit

good luck
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116470 - 04/27/07 11:11 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: celtic_flame]
Louisa Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/04
Posts: 2132
Loc: MA
It's his problem, not yours. If it were the other way around, would he help you? Doesn't sound like it to me. Don't waste your life on him. Why should this couple he lives with take care of his children? I didn't understand that. What were they doing while all this was going on. If I were them, I'd have thrown HIM out of my house. He's in someone else's home acting like this? You don't need this. I agree with the others. He's trying to control and manipulate you.

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#116471 - 04/27/07 02:21 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Edelweiss]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I'm in AZ on the dreaded laptop but my input: Let him bleed.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116472 - 04/27/07 08:08 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Edelweiss]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
I had to leave work early last night and take Aaliyah to the ER. She started vomiting and diarrhea and as little as she is, they can go from bad to worse quickly so I took her and he text messaged me over and over and called over and over and I ignored them all. Finally I told him to leave me alone, I was having to leave work early.

He immediately thought I was just going "out" so he left me an insulting message saying "Oh, your precious grandaughter, but is she passing blood!!??". I lashed out and told him to FO I was taking Aaliyah to the hospital.

He wanted to know which one. I didn't answer and shut off my phone.

Not long after he showed up at the one we were at and there are several in the area. He reeked of alcohol and looked terrible. He tried to kiss me and made a scene in the er.
I told him to leave and he finally did.

I just can't take all this drama. I really can't. It's over. We were at the hospital from 9pm until 6am this morning. Fortunately Aaliyah will be alright and I didn't have to work today or tomorrow.

My daughter was just at fault in a three car pile up on I-4 and it was her fault. Now one of the other drivers has a doctor and a lawyer. All my tax refund money went into this car that my daughter wrecked. Now the insurance company is totalling it and paying it off with about $800 left over.

My husband wants to take the $800 because he is in financial trouble right now and says its all because if me and my family. Yawn...

I can't wait to be on my own and free from all this horrible drama and pressure. I want to work out and cook and go to concerts and go camping...why am I having to go through all this again and again???
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116473 - 04/27/07 09:00 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dancing Dolphin Offline
Member

Registered: 03/06/06
Posts: 2529
Loc: Southern California
Don't allow it to continue. Cut him off and stop it now. The more you respond to him, the more he'll keep it up. Don't give him a response. Keep your phone off, don't communicate with him except through your attorney.

There are certain steps you must take and you most likely know what they are, so take them... one at a time, but just do it!

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#116474 - 04/27/07 10:11 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Dancing Dolphin]
Louisa Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/04
Posts: 2132
Loc: MA
I agree. Am I missing something here? Isn't this his grandchild too? You have to stop allowing him to do this to you. Why didn't they throw him out of the hospital if he was drunk and obnoxious? They should have. Let your lawyer handle him. It will only get worse. I don't mean to seem harsh, but you have to take care of yourself. Kathy's right. Do it. Before something worse happens.

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#116475 - 04/27/07 10:14 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Edelweiss]
Madalyn Offline


Registered: 04/11/07
Posts: 41
NewLeaf~~I'm so sorry your going thru such a bad time. God Bless and I will pray that things get better. Stay strong. I'm new but see you've been thru some very bad times.

(((((Hugs)))) Madalyn

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#116476 - 04/28/07 03:51 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Madalyn]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
NewLeaf...sounds like an ex-husband of mine. Controlling, alcoholic, liar, manipulator and evil. When do you start divorce proceedings? Protect yourself and your grandchildren from this dangerous man. Life is too precious to put up with this person any longer. Reach for that inner strength we women have and stand strong. You must walk away from this for your own sanity and well being. Please, keep us informed on how you're doing.
Hugs and prayers
Dee
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#116477 - 04/28/07 12:23 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Edelweiss]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
NewLeaf, you titled this "It's Officially Over". Now it is time to live that title.

You owe him nothing. Move on.

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#116478 - 04/28/07 12:30 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Dee]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
I'm taking the extra money from the car settlement and catching up on a few bills. I've found alternate, and good, child care.

To answer Louisa's question, the young couple living with my husband just sat there on the couch saying nothing, doing nothing. People here in my community know how he treats me and they know I've taken it and I'm still there. That fact alone is enough to spur me to take the initiative and leave him. Even his closest friends have said they don't know how I've stayed this long.

As most of you know, I have a lot of pride. My pride and self esteem have been almost irrepairably damaged. I loathe the person I become around him. This time it really IS over. I love him and I'm crazy for loving him, but I can't stand him if that makes any sense.

I really am filing for a divorce asap. I long to be free!! I'm so tired of always being afraid and hating who I've become. I am great with the gk's and my daughter but my daughters all see me still struggling in this relationship and they want me out.

MY dad had the audacity the other day when I called him just to talk to say that he didn't blame my husband for being so upset with me because when he married me he got all these problems with my daughter and my grandkids.

In the past I've told my mom and dad about the abuse of my first and second husbands and my mom has said, "Well honey, he makes a LOT of money and has a good reputation at his job and he's gone a lot." So I stayed for 21 years.

My dad says, "Well, what did you do to cause him to be so angry with you?" Its always my fault no matter what the circumstance.

Now, though, both mom and dad say to leave the marriage but just never date or marry anyone else again, ever. Usually they are pretty supportive but I have grown up thinking anything bad that happened to me must have been my fault for dressing too provacatively, or being too smart in school, or not being a good enough wife, or not setting a good example for my younger brothers and sister, or not being a good enough mother...whatever. So, naturally, I always assume anything bad that is happening to me must somehow be my fault and only I can become better or look prettier, or do something more or get a better job or more education or something...

I'm learning there are many things I can't do. I can't change who I am basically, I can change how I respond to circumstances and give myself a break once in a while.

I've related to some of you the story of the penny. While lonely and driving a semi all hours on a tight schedule, this particular day, parked in a lonely lot waiting to be unloaded, I decided to take a walk.

I was praying and asking God if he loved me. I felt that he did, but wanted some type of physical proof that he did every day, just a physical reminder. I looked down and in the middle of a manufacturing storage lot, found a bright shiny new penny. I felt like God told me that every day, every day of my life from that moment on, I would find a penny and when I did, it would serve as a reminder of God's infinite love for me and total acceptance.

Every day, every day, I have found a penny. Sometimes they are a little beat up, dirty, in mud or in strange places, just like me...but they are there. I pick them up and keep every one of them and treasure them.

The kids and I have a "vacation fund". Someday, when we have enough, I'm taking them on a Disney cruise. The jar is filling up with pennies.

I'm not so bad afterall, am I??
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116479 - 05/01/07 03:28 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Newleaf, it sounds to me, by your writing about your parents, that you grew up in a family where your mom was submissive to your dad and your dad blamed everything on everyone but himself and maybe that's where you learned to tolerate men like your dad and your husband. I'm not a doctor but that's what jumps out at me. We are what we eat, so to speak, and we are what we grew up in unless we make a stab at changing ourselves in spite of it. It sounds to me like you married your dad (been there done that). The only way I can see it's "your fault" (as your parents are putting it) is that you were taught by them how to be manipulated and controlled. Okay...this may be all wrong but I just wonder why in the world your dad would attack you after knowing what you've been through unless he thinks the same way, which obviously he does. Anyway, the sooner you get out of the relationship the better and I wouldn't let your parents berate you for that decision and try to control what you do next (by saying never marry again, etc). Good grief...you're not out of one before they're trying to tell you what you should do in the future. Sounds to me you need to gently tell your dad that if he can't be supportive of you he needs to MYOB. If I'm way off base here I do apologize. Hang in there and keep us posted on how things are moving along for you. HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!!!
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#116480 - 05/02/07 01:43 AM Post deleted by Dotsie [Re: Dee]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116481 - 05/05/07 05:37 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Mitzkity, I'm slowly walking out the door of this relationship. I finally figured out that I've been taking care of others ever since I was old enough to hold a dish cloth and sweep the floor.
For only a brief moment in my life I got to be just who I am and take care of myself. I was so amazed at the fantastic female I was during that time. I travelled to Europe by myself and made all the connections to create my own business in France. Met and stayed with French nationals and their family. I shone like a bright star for nearly a year, then I came shooting down and "stabilized". Became a good mom and normal like everybody else my age and position in life.

Now I'm seeing the merit again of living on my own without the husband I now have. I can fully understand a man like him who is retired and an alcoholic party boy, not wanting kids or anything else interfering with his lifestyle. If I hear one more time how, "I'm not going to take care of anyone else's damned grandkids. I'm retired and that's not the way I want to spend my retirement." Meantime, I'm not going to be able to retire until I'm at least 62 and possibly much later to get the full amount.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116482 - 05/05/07 05:38 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
He just wants someone to take care of him in his retirement years. His health is getting worse, he smokes and drinks like a fish. I'm not going to take care of yet another person.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116483 - 05/06/07 11:31 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Newleaf, keep moving in the right direction. I know it's hard, but you will regain your self-respect and that's worth more than an abusive relationship.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116484 - 05/07/07 01:16 AM Re: Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
You're right Dotsie, it is hard, but I really believe with my husband, its more habit than passion. I've never experienced a relationship like the one I have with him.

I had to go to the doctor yesterday and have my heart checked because I was having numbness and chest pain. The ekg was good and my blood pressure was good. He wants to do an echo cardiogram, but mostly my doctor just said it was stress related.

He put me on an anti anxiety/anti depression medication and it really has helped.

I don't want to lose the phone calls and the "closeness" but it seems that every time I call him or he calls me, all he wants to do is yell at me and criticize me and refer to my grandchildren as my Da...ned grandchildren and says nasty things about my daughter.

My mom isn't going to come and help me. Its been years since my mom and dad have come to visit me. I know dad is 81 and mom is 75, but they go to visit my other brothers and sister.

I'm just thinking about eliminating all the hurtful people in my life and start over with new ones. I've found more love and acceptance from my neighbors and co workers than I have from my own family for the past 10 years now.

What a realization that is. My mom has never approved of me. She has been critical of me my whole life.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116485 - 05/07/07 02:12 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Here with Mother's Day right around the corner, I realize my mom has never really loved me or accepted me. She has treated me like a friend, not even a best friend, but not like a daughter. She has thrown my sister's children up to me and my brother's only son and went on and on about how cute my youngest brother's children are. My sister's oldest son is graduating from high school with 68 college credits and is going into medical school. My brother's son has been in medical school for two years and my other nieces and nephews are all doing well in school.

None of them have been in drug rehab or jail. None of them have had children out of wedlock...none of them have dated other races except my nephew in medical school was dating a pretty little girl from Korea. My parents think its terrible when someone dates another race other than their own.

Wow, the things you start to think of when clarity of thought is allowed in. Mom never likes my hair style or my hair color or the way I dress,or my spontaneous personality. The only time she ever approves of me is when I dress like a 90 yr. old woman and look presentable.

I guess I've been a big disappointment to her all these years. I need to adopt a new "mom" and a new family. My sister hasn't spoken to me in three years. I've sent her birthday cards and gifts. I asked my mom what my sister was into at the time and sometimes I prayed and asked God to show me what Rebecca liked and what would make her happy to get. I've tried to email her and she never replies. I've been so hurt and disappointed by my family. If any one of them had the same kinds of problems I've had, I would have done anything to help them.

The only time they all came to see me was when my husband passed away suddenly. Then they all came to the funeral and then ate dinner out and went to the beach. They all stayed in a nice hotel together and I was broken hearted at home. My oldest brother stayed with me and I was so grateful to him.

I need a new family. I need new friends. Blood isn't thicker than water.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116486 - 05/07/07 02:41 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Did you order my book? You really need to read it. My mother was the same way and still is. You have to cut emotional bonds with her because it isn't going to change but you can.

Because I work with women in bad relationships, I have learned to read between the lines. You are no where near leaving your husband. If you were, you wouldn't be talking to him on the phone and trying to maintain a relationship with him. You wouldn't post here about what he's done to hurt and humiliate you. You would be talking to a lawyer. When a woman has had it, she's had it! I know you keep hoping and praying that he will change but the writing is on the wall and you aren't reading it. He's made his point clear to you but you aren't listening. Hear his words. You will never be happy with this man and especially since he doesn't value your children or grandchildren.

Your family is your children and their children. It is more than enough to get you through life. If my husband told me he wouldn't accept my kids, he'd be history. He doesn't have to visit them but he would never be allowed to step between me and them.

NL, you have to take back your power from him and your family. If they don't accept the woman you are, let them go an opposite direction. Your life is not theirs and never will be. You will end up an empty shell if you continue to take the path you're on. I can promise you that.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116487 - 05/07/07 02:55 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Dianne]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
Ditto to what Dianne said.
NL, you have been talking about leaving this man for well over a year. I'm looking forward to the day that you tell us you have been to a lawyer and begun the process.
God loves us and doesn't want us to be abused in any way shape or form. He also gives you the power, if you accept it from him, to make the changes you need to make.
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116488 - 05/07/07 06:20 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Casey]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Great idea to read Dianne's book. Do you have it yet? I think you could use Dianne's situation that she writes about in her book to clarify what is going on with you and your husband and family. Don't you DIanne. I think NL could learn tremendously from you. You have taken your power back and it feels so good, right?

NL, read some of your posts and seriously consider moving in the right direction. You are worth it. Try surrounding yourself with positive people. It will make a world of difference. You are on my prayer list.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116489 - 05/07/07 11:50 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
I agree with all of the above, NL. My abuser once asked me, why don't you believe me when I tell you I will kill you one day?

They say what they mean. It's over NL. When are you going to hear him?

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#116490 - 05/08/07 01:16 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Anno]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Newleaf, we are reading his words through you. Are you listening? Go back and read your post and ask yourself, is this worth it? If you can read it as if it were another's post, would you want to be involved with such an abusive individual?

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#116491 - 05/11/07 01:43 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: ]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
How is it going, NL?
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116492 - 05/18/07 03:27 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Anyone hear from Newleaf lately?
_________________________
chick
~ Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't ~
~ Prayer is the most we can do for another human being ~

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#116493 - 05/18/07 04:25 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: chickadee]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
No, not at all. I was just thinking about her too.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116494 - 05/28/07 02:19 AM Re: Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Hi everyone. I've been getting checked out by the doctor, mri, echo cardiogram, ekg, etc...I'm fine. It's just stress, lots and lots of stress.

Could someone explain a dream for me? The other night I saw my husband in a dream. He was lying on his back, no blood, but his head wasn't attached to his torso...very neat, no blood and guts...and his arms weren't attached to his torso either.

He looked like a puzzle that hadn't been put together yet. It was so real.

What could that possibly mean?
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116495 - 05/28/07 03:13 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
_________________________
chick
~ Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't ~
~ Prayer is the most we can do for another human being ~

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#116496 - 05/28/07 02:28 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: chickadee]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
NL, glad to hear you're getting everything checked out. Is someone helping you deal with the stress? Do you still have your grandchildren alone in your home?
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116497 - 05/28/07 06:27 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Yes, I still have D & A Wed., Thurs., Fri., and Sat and half the day on Sunday...Their mom has them on Sun, Mon, and Tues. Dublin starts Summer Camp at the Y on the 29th and A is already going to summer camp at her pre-school. All these camps are very expensive! Supplies and so forth. No help at all from the Dad and Mom claims she has too many expenses and no money,,,yet today I noticed she had gotten her nails done and a pedicure.

I can't even afford food this week. I've meted it out so the kids will have their favorite foods and I just won't eat. They will never even know or realize there is a problem.

I'm making changes trying to start my own virtual assistant work from home along with my full time job. I'll make it though it is really hard sometimes. I know there are others much more needy than I am.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116498 - 05/28/07 07:15 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Dear New Leaf, it sounds like you are living over your means, and for a long time now. It should never come down to the fact that you have to go hungry.

There are organizations and churches out there to help you! What about the church you go to?

Sounds like you have everything in control what your grandchildren are concerned, and that is good. The rest will fall in place, but you need additional help at this point in your life. You must swallow your pride and do what you can to keep up your strength; if not for yourself, then for your grandchildren.

It makes me sick to hear that the mother gets her nails done instead of helping you out.

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#116499 - 05/28/07 08:17 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Edelweiss]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Pride is a big issue with me and always has been. I just can't admit to anyone I know what kind of shape I'm in financially. I'm looking for a housemate right now. I'm getting the room ready. I'm really praying for the right person.

THAT will help a LOT. Someone to help with expenses. Oh, my husband offered to move in my home and his great offer was that he would pay half of the house payment and utilities and cable and then he would keep his bank account and I could keep mine. Oh, such a deal!! He said it was because he didn't want one dime to go to my daughter or my &^%$ grandkids.

I'm only telling you this because I am filing for a divorce Wednesday. I want to start a new life and that worry free and stress free. I've been happy and content living alone. Aaliyah and I even painted the porch together...she got more paint on herself and the screen than on the wood, but it looks so much better!
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116500 - 05/28/07 08:27 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
That sounds like a great idea to get a housemate! Maybe someone who could even watch the grandchildren once in a while? Make sure you get at least 3 to 5 references to check out. Good luck on that and stay srong for your divorce.

You are in control girl!

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#116501 - 05/29/07 12:57 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Edelweiss]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
The ideal housemate would be a male in his late thirties or early to mid forties who loves children (but not too much!!)..who is funny and kind and loves to cook and play with children...someone who loves dogs and guenia pigs...and loves to do household chores such as painting and minor repairs...who loves classical music, fine wine and fine dining...AND who has a bright and optimistic outlook on life and loves God.

Geeze! I'd pay HIM to stay with us!! LOL
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116502 - 05/29/07 02:30 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Newleaf, I'll be praying as you file Wednesday, I'm glad your taking postive steps.

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#116503 - 05/29/07 03:57 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Quote:

The ideal housemate would be a male in his late thirties or early to mid forties who loves children (but not too much!!)..who is funny and kind and loves to cook and play with children...someone who loves dogs and guenia pigs...and loves to do household chores such as painting and minor repairs...who loves classical music, fine wine and fine dining...AND who has a bright and optimistic outlook on life and loves God.

Geeze! I'd pay HIM to stay with us!! LOL




I don't mean to be cheeky, but a female housemate could fit the bill also, Newleaf...after all I know some mechanically inclined women.

Is there a reason why the housemate needs to be male?
I hope the grandkids have another adult male (an uncle, cousin, etc.?) who they know and is a good role model. He doesn't need to live there.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com


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#116504 - 05/29/07 04:18 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: orchid]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Oh, I know, Orchid, but I get along much better with males than I do females. I don't know why, but even just purely platonic relationships are best for me when the other is a male.

I really don't know why, but when you put me and another female together its just like putting two pit bulls together. We wind up at each other's throats. I'm not like most females I've ever known. I think like a male. This worried me at different times in my life so I went for testing to see why. What I found was that I use both the left and right sides of my brain and when presented with a problem, try to solve it and get frustrated when I can't come up with a solution.

Relationships aren't the most important aspects of my life, my success in living is. I think of myself as a leader and there are many other finger prints of male thinking that I have. Yet, I remain very feminine and very female. I have the voice and appearance of an angel and the personality of General Patton. Would you want to live with someone like that???

Men don't seem to mind. We can talk about politics, fixing cars, engines, women, philosophical issues, laugh, grunt and wrestle and go out merry ways. Men seem to adore me and can't get enough of me. Women seem to hate the very sight of me. I'm not trying to bring up any issues...its just the truth. I've lived a long time and that's been my experience.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116505 - 05/29/07 04:21 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Oh, the ex is trying so hard once again to weasel his way back into my affections. He knows how tender hearted I am. I'm so proud of myself though!! I came home by myself to my own home even though he tried to get me to come to his place.

I didn't answer his text message. I'm home and loving it!

Please, please continue to pray that I don't get suckered in again and have the strength to go ahead Wednesday and file.

Its the only way I'm going to get my self back. I want to be "selfish" for a while and focus on me. Is that so bad?
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116506 - 05/29/07 04:24 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Quote:

Oh, I

I really don't know why, but when you put me and another female together its just like putting two pit bulls together. We wind up at each other's throats. I'm not like most females I've ever known. I think like a male. This worried me at different times in my life so I went for testing to see why. What I found was that I use both the left and right sides of my brain and when presented with a problem, try to solve it and get frustrated when I can't come up with a solution.

R know, Orchid, but I get along much better with males than I do females. I don't know why, but even just purely platonic relationships are best for me when the other is a male.elationships aren't the most important aspects of my life, my success in living is. I think of myself as a leader and there are many other finger prints of male thinking that I have. Yet, I remain very feminine and very female. I have the voice and appearance of an angel and the personality of General Patton. Would you want to live with someone like that???

Men don't seem to mind. We can talk about politics, fixing cars, engines, women, philosophical issues, laugh, grunt and wrestle and go out merry ways. Men seem to adore me and can't get enough of me. Women seem to hate the very sight of me. I'm not trying to bring up any issues...its just the truth. I've lived a long time and that's been my experience.




Up to you. Do have any sisters or female cousins that you know/knew?

I've never met a woman who never got along with another woman. Even the most aggressive women I've met.

Share the limelight woman. You've got miles to go here.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com


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#116507 - 05/29/07 04:26 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Edelweiss]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Wow, Chick, I read the webpage about the torso. Sometimes I scare myself at how intuitive I can be. That's exactly how I see him, as a person who feeds off another, who can't be happy or survive without someone else to use and feed off their personality, their strength, their emotions, etc.

He is the most insecure person I've ever met and so, so afraid of losing his mind. What he doesn't realize is that he lost it a long time ago.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116508 - 05/29/07 03:28 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Orchid, my mom loves me but just sort of says "Oh, that Rhonda, you know how she is". She wishes I were more like my sister who is Martha Stewart's clone. She sews, has her own upholstery business, is married to a successful executive, has four children who are very bright and successful.

I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't relate well to women. I can empathize and joke right along and discuss some women's issues, but when it gets right down to the intimate, would call a friend in the middle of the night and I know he'd be there. No competition or jealousy but pure friendship, all of my closest friends have been men.

Men don't get too emotional and seem to be more rational. I've had women turn on me in a heartbeat and rip straight through to the core. I don't feel understood by women but men seem to understand what I'm thinking and feeling and why. We problem solve together. They can freely talk to me about their wives and girlfriends and we laugh and joke about life in general.

Even issues regarding their children, I can discus with them freely. Of course, sometimes we get too close or at least feel too close, then it gets uncomfortable, but then you just draw the line again and laugh about it and go on.

I don't trust women. There aren't any close women in my life but my three daughters and I would die for any one of them but many of their best friends are male also even though my daughters are all lovely and very feminine.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116509 - 05/29/07 08:29 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Keep the strength newleaf. Only one more day until you file.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116510 - 05/30/07 05:44 AM Re: Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
He is going to be so surprised! I finally realized that's the only way he's ever going to believe me and leave me alone.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116511 - 05/30/07 08:28 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
New Leaf.
Why dont you trust women?

Mountain ash

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#116512 - 05/30/07 02:00 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Mountain Ash]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Thinking of you today.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116513 - 05/30/07 05:49 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
Cookie Offline
Member

Registered: 06/02/06
Posts: 753
Loc: USA
New leaf,

Like Mounatin ash, I was also wondering why you don't trust women?? None at all!?

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#116514 - 05/31/07 10:46 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Cookie]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Wondering how New Leaf is doing.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116515 - 06/01/07 02:23 AM Re: Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Well, I did it and I wish I could say it felt good but it didn't. I know its the best thing for me and my family and even for him, but I'm not happy about it right now.

My not trusting women started with my parents. My mom and dad always treated me like I was strange or unusual. They loved me but one thing I remember is them saying when I was very young that my eyes glowed in the dark and they made a big deal out of it. Then in the first grade my teacher embarrassed me at every turn...I even wet my pants and she shamed me in front of my whole class because she wouldn't let me go to the bathroom!
My 7th grade teacher called me names in front of the whole class because I accidentally broke a china statue she had on her desk and sent me to the principal's office where I was told I was a scapegoat because I was too nice. I just had a terrible time fitting into any group so some friends and I formed out own group during high school. In spite of the competition and horrible postulating that goes on between high school girls, I still made drill team and yearbook staff..I found my niche as a writer.

My first husband left me for my best friend, my second husband cheated on me all the time and even thought he had aids for a while, my third husband always wanted me to look different and now my fourth husband is a total ahole, and my mom accused my dad of having an affair with me and my sister. He never even touched us and mom wouldn't let us sit on our dad's lap when we were little so Rebecca and I weren't allowed to be close to our dad.

My sister whom I gave a home and a room and fixed it up for her and even got her a puppy won't even speak to me and hasn't contacted me for 3 yrs. even though I've tried and tried to reach out to her.

None of the "normal" women I work with or come into contact with want to be friends with me. I'm an egghead or a dreamer or loaner. I'm also funny and loving and caring but that doesn't seem to override the keep away from me attitude I seem to emit.

I'm not into women's groups or motivational speakers because I don't consider them any more special or knowledgable than me. I've no respect for diplomas or credentials or doctorates because I've met a lot of educated ignorants.

Women in my life have proven to be back stabbing, two faced, husband and boyfriend stealers with no respect for a wedding ring. If they for some reason don't like you you might as well go somewhere and hide out or move to another town or state because they will leave no stone unturned to get even with you or hurt you.

And God forbid they are on their period or going through menopause. I had a woman who I taught school with try to run over me with her car and she had her three daughters inside!!

I've been talked about, scorned, ridiculed, hated and misunderstood most of my life. It was the mean girls at my youngest daughter's school who shoved her, told her everyone hated her, spit on her and told her she was ugly (even though she was absolutely beautiful!) and shortly thereafter she went into a deep depression and started using drugs.

When I have had female friends they have been outsiders just like me and they have been rare and few.

I haven't lived a frivoulous life. Its been hard and continues to be hard. I appreciate the unemotional support and warm strong arm of affection I get from my male friends and their offers to help with repairs and yard work. It's like men "get" it. There's no competition.

I don't hate women, I just haven't found that I could trust them. Its like you never really know for sure when one of them is going to turn on you and rip you to shreds or worse yet ignore you and act like you don't even exist.

Men are approachable and predictable, they are pretty dumb about a lot of things and don't like to delve into the emotional realm and dig out and mull over "issues".

People seem to like me a lot, but I pretty much sit by myself and spend a lot of time by myself..as much as I can, and enjoy my family. When I have a boyfriend and am in a romantic relationship its wonderful and refreshing. But I won't be ready for that for a long time.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116516 - 06/01/07 02:27 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Edelweiss]
dancer9 Offline


Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
I'm new here so I don't know any more of your story accept what I am reading here. It's enough though for me to say leave him be! He is not alone, he treats you badly, and you don't need this yo-yo reality any longer!
I'd kick him to the curb!
Just my opinion, I hope it's okay to say that?
dancer
_________________________
http://www.annalisanews.com/

"Question your privilege"

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#116517 - 06/01/07 02:34 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
PS. You have all been much nicer to me than anyone has and I appreciate it. Thank you.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116518 - 06/01/07 04:22 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
NewLeaf, I can't see you, so it's harder to place your comments in context. But here I am, on the left (or on bike): http://www3.telus.net/public/hjbecker/JeansVisions/image020.htm

I don't agree with you at all that men overall are less emotional / forgive forget sorta stuff. Many just show it until they are provoked. But they will joke-insult others more and MIGHT be easier for them to take every insult personally.

You must join myself and my sisters --they keep me humble. We criticize/semi-insult and love each other. The one on the right ...is the baby in the family. She is your ignorant degreed woman....a doctor...but she does has street smarts because she was raised by:

a father who rarely hugged us (because in amongst older traditional generation Chinese, they don't hug/kiss much openly), but instead showed his dedication to support his family. A soft-spoken, but tough love guy.

a mother who swore/cursed like a fishwoman....all in Chinese. My mother is controlling, often bad-tempered and aggressive. But at least her love, like my father's is faithful and consistent to us and to him and vice versa. I knew the true nature of my mother when I saw her with her sisters. Watch the jousting and love there with her amongst sisters. You have to look through it all ...to find the good stuff there.

And now you know, why I asked if you had a sister....our friendships begin in life, sometimes, with our siblings. They can set some patterns, personality traits (due to maybe birth order), etc.

May your daughters trust and have long-time female friends. If they don't, they are missing 1/2 of the human race.

AFter all that with your latest ex, need to chill out for awhile, enjoy your family.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com


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#116519 - 06/01/07 06:00 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Quote:

PS. You have all been much nicer to me than anyone has and I appreciate it. Thank you.




From woman to woman, You're most Welcome.
Remember, we are your sisters and our friendships here are long lasting.
_________________________
chick
~ Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't ~
~ Prayer is the most we can do for another human being ~

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#116520 - 06/01/07 10:36 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Newleaf, you are finally taking care of you and I am so proud of you and how far you have come. Stick to your guns, you deserve much better than the old life. You will find someone to room with, but be careful and CHECK REFERENCES. Especially of its a man you take in, there are the children to consider. I will continue praying for you and you keep up the good work...
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#116521 - 06/01/07 02:12 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: orchid]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Orchid,
Thank you so much for sharing your photos! I love the birch tree one and the taro fields! They are beautiful. I too share a love of trees and the balance and texture of the paintings is so emotionally perfect and pleasing.

You are a very lovely woman. I can see where bike riding would be one of your passions. I need to just begin to move again. Its hard taking that first step.

I completely understand that I'm probably missing out on a lot but even now, my step daughter wants to "hang out" with me and every time she does, some more of my things come up missing.

My middle daughter has a best long time friend who is Korean and was adopted by a family in the US. She is another of my daughters and I have a foster daughter also who has some female friends. She's an RN and a wonderful person. I love them dearly but its extremely rare that I allow a female into my heart and lay down all defenses and just don't care if they hurt me or not. I can count on my fingers those people.

My oldest daughter has had some good female friends but now is embroiled in raising 3 children and has a husband. My youngest daughter has had the same experiences as me. We just find it very hard to respect another female enough to be best or close friends with them although she hangs out with females and so do I on occasion.

My sister in laws don't like me because I'm too radical for their tastes. But you should see them!! One is as plain as Saran Wrap and the other one is funny and smart and I get along with her but she's let my sister influence her. I get along great with my brothers though. Maybe that's why the sister in laws don't like me.

I think, personality wise and thinking wise, I must be a lot like Angelina Jolie. (Wish I looked like her!!) She loves children and wants to do good, but seems like she's a bit twisted like me.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116522 - 06/01/07 02:25 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Chick and Chatty, thank you so much. I ask you all to just be patient with me. I think I'm learning to trust somewhat through this forum of women. It's easier if we can't see each other or "hang out" because then whatever it is that just annoys the heck out of prospective friends can't be detected long distance.

I don't really know what it is about me that annoys or scares off prospective friends. Maybe I should be like that Wadsworth poem about the power to see ourselves as others see us. I'd like to be a mouse in someone's pocket for a few days and observe myself unobjectively.

No one could care more than me, but I'm too much a child. I jump and run and play and cavort and play video games and hum and fidget and sing and fish and swing and play on playground equipment with the kids, and get excited by things other people take for granted and take in strays (people and animals). My house is full of plants and all of them have names and personalities, my guenia pigs, fish, and I want a dog and a cat. My home is always filled with kids who adore me.

I'm always planning the next fun thing and always looking for something new to learn and conquer.

That turns a lot of people off because they don't understand why a woman who is about to turn 58 would ride with all the windows down and hip hop music blaring with the bass vibrating the very walls and windows of my black Nissan.

I love it! Sometimes its classical music, sometimes jazz or zydeco or swing or Stevie Nicks.

I'm just as apt to call from Missouri or Texas and say I just had a whim to see someone and had the time and money.

Yet I am a homebody. Rearrange the furniture at least once a month just for the variety. Love to cook and entertain and decorate and set moods for people and make happy memories.

Honestly, would a person like that be like a cuckleburr under your saddle? I really want to know.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116523 - 06/01/07 02:52 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Hey, I crank up the CD player in my car and rock out too. I don't think I'll ever grow up in that area and don't want to either.

I believe your lack of trust comes from your mother and we try to rewrite history with the same type of personality to get it right but the problem is, we are working with the same personality so it never goes as planned. If we pull abusive men into our lives, chances are that our girlfriends will also be abusive in some form. I learned that in therapy and my friendship base changed after that. And, once I changed what I accepted in my life, I suddenly had "like minds" enter in. I found friends who were spiritual and cared about others with true love.

Just last month I was on a water slide with my grandkids and had the time of my life. I don't think you sound strange at all.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116524 - 06/01/07 04:16 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Dianne]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
New Leaf
when I asked you why you dont like women I knew you would have reasons.
Like Orchid I believe we learn early...from our Parents/ carers to be loved and and this is done in everday interaction.Imagine cuddling a babe and the little one knowing she was loved.
The early years schooling you remember is sad (for me who worked in education)but will have shaped you,Do you have any positive role models from school years.
I do....and from the wider "tribe" that existed.Try to remember kindness where you can.
I would be blessd to count you as a friend and see no reason why you would not "like" me.I am sure I speak for others.
I have tried to spread "sparkles " in my life with a hand held out to others.Yes I have been bitten but true faith is doing the same ...holding out a hand.
You mentioned seeing yourself as others see you.Can I proudly claim the poem as Scottish bu Robert Burns.
Yours
Mountain ash

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#116525 - 06/01/07 04:23 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Mountain Ash]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
nd there's a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o thine
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang sine

Translation for non Scots

(Here's a hand my trused friend )
(And give me a hand of yours)
(And we will take of a good drink/toast)
(For old long ago)

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#116526 - 06/01/07 04:52 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Mountain Ash]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
New Leaf, Congratulations on putting in the papers. I know it's been a long road and it's difficult, but I'm glad that you have had the strength and fortitude to finally do it! :-))
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116527 - 06/01/07 05:43 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Casey]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Diane, glad to know you are a kindred spirit. I feel I would be missing out on so much if I thew away my childhood. My mom has hurt me so much but I still love her. She used to rip the ball off one of those paddle ball things and beat me all over the house with it calling me names and just beating and beating me all over my head and shoulders and arms...but then she would feel bad and take me to get my eyebrows arched or my hair fixed. Dad never did anything about it.

Mom would buy new clothes, lots of new outfits and new shoes and makeup and I got to wear my cousin's hand me downs.

Strangely enough though when I became beauty queen, she went right along with it and went to Springfield with me and made sure I got to borrow a wealthy lady's wardrobe for the finals.

She claims to love me, but I never measure up. She hasn't been to my home in years. Only when my husband died, then it was more like a family reunion.

Mom likes to, out of nowhere, and I mean out of NOWHERE, say,"by the way, Rhonda, why DID you do thus and so back when?" and it will be something I would like the whole world to forget! Its like she loves to play with your emotions and your head.

I miss being in a relationship but I'll get over it. I'm sort of excited because now I'm facing a new life and a new chance. I want to do my very best this time to love myself and accept myself.

Mountain Ash, I"m going right out to the library and checking out his book of poetry to take to work.

Casey, thanks, I should have done it months ago, but now it just seems right.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116528 - 06/01/07 07:31 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
New Leaf
write some poems
They need not rhymn. write from your heart.
You were a beauty queen ?
Montain ash

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#116529 - 06/02/07 02:32 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Mountain Ash]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Newleaf, you sound a lot like me. I don't find your habits odd at all, but then some call me crazy and odd as well. But what the hell, someone has to wear those hats, why not us????
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#116530 - 06/02/07 06:08 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: chatty lady]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
True. I've tried being "normal" and it almost drove me nuts. I wasn't myself but my mom and sister just loved me! Mom told me how proud she was of me and my sister would call me once in a while just to exchange a recipe or talk about the kids accomplishments.

Once my cousin who lives in CA and is married to a wealthy career military guy and has three children wrote a Christmas brag letter about how her son was entering a program to become a politician and a foreign diplomat, how she and her husband had just bought a new Mercedes and how her daughter was graduating with honors from some private women's college and was dating a guy from Iran.

On and on and on it went and it was voted (by her sister in law's teacher's group as the Christmas letter most likely to make you gag.)

I just couldn't help it. I wrote one back saying how proud I was that not one of my three daughters had gotten pregnant this year and how the youngest had made it to the Wal Mart blue light special and how proud I was of the oldest who had just gotten off probation and got her kids back from DCF. What a good year! We got a new trailer house and my '65 Chevy had made it all the way from Arkansas to Louisiana before the muffler went out but I turned the radio up loud enough so we couldn't hear the noise.

I never heard from her again......

I'm a rebel and a lunatic, but I love deeply and am an advocate for the underdog. I really AM happy for her, and I don't envy anyone else having nice things and having successful children, I just think sometimes people's priorities get so messed up that they take themselves too seriously and forget to see the humor in life.

Chatty, I gotta love ya. You really are a wonderfully bright spot and so honest. I like that.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116531 - 06/02/07 10:00 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
New Leaf, I get the feeling you are using this time without a man to take care of yourself. Pour all that energy you poured into your old hubby into yourself! I'm praying you embrace the fact that you aren't in a relationship like many of the other women here. Revel in it...
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116532 - 06/03/07 03:30 AM Re: Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Its a little frightening and right now I'm feeling a bit left out, but I'm slowly going to get back in the mainstream. The first thing I want to do is start an exercise program and diet. (So I'll feel healthy and lithe again)

The second thing I want to do is make my home a showcase home. I'm starting by getting rid of everything I don't need or use. I'm painting and redecorating now.

Third, I want to generate a list of babysitters so I can go out once in a while and be a grown up.

I want a bicycle and a tan. To go on photo shoots and even have an opening for my photos.

I'm thinking about changing jobs and maybe working my way into becoming a va.

Maybe I'll even make friends. I'm starting to get a bit excited about the prospects out there. I'm also frightened that I'm almost 58. For some reason that disturbs me.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116533 - 06/03/07 10:36 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Just remember Newleaf:

Time flys when you are having RUM!!!

Don't think at the age you are, think at the age you feel!
It works for me and its been awhile since I've seen 58...
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#116534 - 06/04/07 06:13 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: chatty lady]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Well. if I thought at the age I feel, I'd be 30. It's strange. time goes by, bur the mind doesn't age as quickly as the body I guess. I still get that wonderful tingle and rush of excitement when I meet that someone who turns all my cranks.

I've never been held captive by chronological age limitations. I truly think women are going to come into their own no matter what chronological age they may be as long as they are able to let go of preconceived images of what a women should be like at certain times in their lives.

I think we hold ourselves back out of fear or out of mapping that begins in early childhood. In cartoons and in movies and in so much of the media, the older woman, the grandma, has gray hair, can't move in liquid movements, can't squat and stand in one smooth movement, can't get hot and sexy when stimulated without the aid of KyJelly and now its even heated......, can't be innocent and beguiled by anyone or anything...what a crock!!

I'd put myself against any teenager or early twenty something anyday and I'm sure there are many of you who would agree. I personally don't want anyone under the age of 30...I really, really want to see what I've got and then when I've developed it, I want to enjoy it and then maybe, just maybe, share it.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116535 - 06/04/07 05:30 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
starting over Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
NewLeaf, Your mom wasn't the only one spanking kids with one of those rubber paddles with the ball removed! My mom used to use them too. She kept it in the drawer with the cigarettes. If you were in trouble, she'd light a cigarette and take a veeerrry long drag, then spank us. Guess the long drag was her version of counting to ten......

I can't say she ever beat me with it though. Just a few swats when it was necessary. I can laugh about my mom and the paddle. I wish you could too. It makes life more bearable. praying for you! Hang in there!
_________________________
starting over

How we handle change determines our Destiny. P. Trapp
www.pattiswriting.com
www.marykay.com/ptrapp777

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#116536 - 06/05/07 12:09 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: starting over]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Well, all I can tell you is I love my mom regardless. That's the one thing I've learned recently through what has happened to my little A, children love unconditionally, even when they have been hurt by the one they love.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116537 - 06/05/07 07:57 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
Thinking about the list of stuff you got planed like showcasing the house, the bike, the photoshoots all take time to do,keep one occupied, give ya a focus and a healthie intrest in your life. Its great that your focusing your energies and careing nature into somethings that are nice for you and stuff that be satisfieing to achive, good on ya gal. I not 58 but i know the feeling of worrieing bout time gone past and it can be/is a little frightening at times, but then again you got the rest of the time you have ahead of you....and that counts for something.

oh you have a lovelie turn of phrase when you write and your in a certine type of softer type of mood,(i imagine) thats a lovilie skill to have. I know you have done writting in the past have you any planes to do any in the future????
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116538 - 06/06/07 01:02 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: celtic_flame]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Celtic, I've been published a few times but just writing for a monthly magazine and the newspaper.

I love to write poetry and would love to write fiction someday but just can't seem to organize my thoughts and ideas enough to do so.

Mostly I want to take photos and paint.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116539 - 06/06/07 05:19 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Newleaf, I find it interesting that when your men were "stolen" by a woman, you blamed the woman, and said it was the WOMEN you couldn't trust. Seems to me, that you shouldn't have trusted the men either, but you blamed the women because you chose an untrustworthy man.

Men aren't possessions to be stolen any more than we're possessions to be controlled. "Stealing" an unfaithful man is like stealing a sack of rotten potatoes -- both parties pretty much get what they deserve.

So you lost -- what? Several sacks of rotten potatoes?? And you're grieving because???...

Pardon my usual bluntness, but anyone can f---. Cockroaches can f---. You need to start looking for a man who knows how to love.

All relationships work if -- and only if -- two people have an equal stake in it working.
-----------------------
On to the next topic -- I'm really glad that you're working on your house and your artistic projects. It's a perfect time in life to be giving attention to creative endeavors which will nourish you for years to come.
_________________________
My handcrafted jewelry:
limited edition designs
more jewelry, plus bead supplies

Poet and essayist

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#116540 - 06/06/07 06:36 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: meredithbead]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Well, as usual, there's a little more to it than that, but not worth going into.

Truth is, I used to trust everyone and I wasn't gender biased at all. But, men are sort of lovingly dumb and easily led by a short skirt and a set of boobs, really!!

Women on the other hand, know how to use those qualities to their best interest, to manipulate and get what they want and if what they want is YOUR man, then believe me, she will get him. I've never seen a man undyingly faithful to one woman no matter what the temptation (except my dad). It seems to me they are easily flattered and easily enticed. Their egos are fragile and they don't have the repetoire of guiles women have. At least that has been my experience and the more intelligent and less street smart they are the easier they are to "steal".

I know its possible to meet a man who isn't interested in anyone else, but usually, they aren't too interesting themselves, sort of boring and a little too much in touch with their feminine side, like a friend instead of a sexy, thrilling and satisfying mate.

Just my own experience...
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116541 - 06/06/07 10:42 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
Quote:

Celtic, I've been published a few times but just writing for a monthly magazine and the newspaper.

Mostly I want to take photos and paint.




their no JUST in publicasions, your publised and that says enough in itself. As for the future projects fiction and more poetrie then good luck finding the time perhapps your thoughts will calm and become more organised the more you chuck the drama in your life, their been a lot of it but at lest your digging your way out from under it....lets hope a new batch dosent start....

photogriphie an exilent hobbie and art form its one i been involved in sinces my teens...i have gone digital despite the protests about it (an ex made of with my prized SLR camera and lensies tripods...basicalie a life times collection of camera and processing equiptment, and the bisum done it for badness, yea some woman can be trustless sometimes.)

painting something i trying to get confidences again to do with the art stuff now in the house hopefullie i will get the time it be a nice way to relax. Do you have you painted much??
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116542 - 06/06/07 10:55 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: celtic_flame]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
i think i missed a post about men being stolen etc, and i agree and disagree with both newleaf and meradith at the same time, sorrie ladies....heers my tuppences worth...

some women do go all out using their femininitie for personal gain or to win over another man, i seen it myself and some men don't take too much to be won overe.

i also agree that neither a man or women are anyones propertie, even if their partner view them as such, or even they themselfs view themselfs as belonging to their partner. Their gotta be healthie reliances yet independances in relasionsips for them to work, well at lest in my case. I need belonging and part independances at the same time.

when a partners unfaithfull yea it affects self-esteem but reallie its their shame and not the wronged partner as they proven themself untrustworthie...and the "other partie" may have played their part in it...but i be more cross at my partner becouse its them that promised faithfullness....not the other partie...

you get some good butch men that are faithfull and worthie of trust....and some women that don't use their femininitie for personal gain in whatever way .......but i don't see to see masses and masses of them just a sprinkling and i enjoy their uncommoness when i see/find it.

I don't think men should be excoused for their unfaithfullness due to biological diffrences ....anymore than women should be excoused for their unfaithfullness.....We all know the conciquincess to the wronged partner and both m & w should be held accountable for their actions.

taaaraaaa lol did that make sences?
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116543 - 06/07/07 01:03 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: celtic_flame]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Amen Celtic. There definitely needs to be accountability in relationships with consequences when there's a break down. Unfortunately, I know women who haven't held their husbands accountable, know they have cheated and chose to live with it...only to have it happen again! YUK!
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116544 - 06/07/07 04:20 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
As someone who fell in love with another woman's husband, I have a bit of understanding of the "other woman." I know that men are visual creatures and are attracted to physical appearance first. But what made us irresistable to each other was the way we each listened to the other.

And from what I've seen and heard, I've come to believe that that is the most common reason for men to stray. Yes, they get attracted by a body, but are more attracted by someone who "adores" them by listening to them and having discussions with them, just as we all do at the beginning of a relationship.

This is not to excuse the men (it takes 2 to tango), but to say that there are usually problems in the marriage first, and then someone (usually the man, but women do it in larger numbers than we admit) decides that an affair will take the edge off the problems. It's a poor way to solve problems in a relationship, but a common one.

Relationships take attention each and every day. It takes making the time to listen and talk to each other and get help from a third party when you can't untangle the problem.

My husband is totally and utterly faithful to me and I to him. But, I still appreciate a good-looking man! :-))
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116545 - 06/07/07 05:06 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Casey]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I agree, Casey. What made me fall in love with the hub was his mind and his honesty. He was the first man I ever truly respected. We could spend hours discussing anything and my love of business keeps our topics very active since he's a businessman.

I know 100% that he would never cheat on me and I knew that the day I married him as I had been through the infedelity before with the ex. The hub has too much integrity to cheat. I don't care what woman threw herself at him, it wouldn't happen just like I wouldn't cheat if some man gave me the thumbs up. It's about committment.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116546 - 06/07/07 08:17 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Dianne]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
integrity one big attractive feature i love that in men or women...its so safe to be around even in frendships. and of course the need for commitment to each other and the relashionship. sadlie not enough people have both qualities or have neither nither lol.

Is it possible for a relashionship weer one person cheets owns up to the cheeting to get back on track again? I know its possible but takes yrs to heal and forgive the infedelitie.

Even at that i wonder if its ever possible to trulie heal the same relashionship to the point weer their's no trust issues, it is a big thing to ask from a partner and just wonderring if you ladies consider it possible let alone worth it?
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#116547 - 06/07/07 11:03 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: celtic_flame]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Dianne and Casey, I wish I could find someone like that someday, but my recent ex and I couldn't discuss anything if and when we did have anything to talk about without arguing. He unfortunately isn't very intelligent and can't even carry his end of a good argument. He's like a caveman.

My husband who passed away was so wonderful. He was brilliant and sensitive. He was huge and quiet and kind. We went to art museums and wine tastings and to political functions and to the governor's home for dinner.

He loved to read and was soooo romantic. I miss him terribly. He loved my children as his own and my grandchilden called him "grampy John". I'm afraid I will never find anyone as wonderful as he was again.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116548 - 06/08/07 02:20 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Celtic, I guess a woman could choose to stay with a man who cheated but I think the relationship would never be the same. The trust bank would have to be filled again.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116549 - 06/08/07 05:17 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Dianne]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
I had a nurse-practitioner who's husband had an affair. They reconciled, but it took quite a while. I have a book on my bookshelf called "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Abrahms Spring, that I haven't read. It deals with forgiveness (or not) after an affair.

I'm curious, New Leat, if he was so different from John, why did you marry your soon-to-be ex?
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116550 - 06/09/07 01:05 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Casey]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
It sounds like to me you haven't given yourself time to know yourself between husbands. To give yourself time to know what you would want, or not want in a mate.

I'm curious as to why you don't trust women, yet you open your life up here, every aspect of it, to total strangers. I'm also wondering why you would have married this guy in the first place.

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#116551 - 06/10/07 02:49 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: jawjaw]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Newleaf, I think that if you spend some time alone you may find that you will become your best friend, freedom, independence and self-sufficient are powerful allies.

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#116552 - 06/12/07 11:14 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Edelweiss]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Well, JawJaw and all, I wasn't in my right mind when I met and ultimately married my husband.

I had cried nonstop for months. I had quit eating and moved out of our home. I had just become someone I didn't even know for a time. My soon to be ex is a gregarious man with many friends and acquaintances. He offered a built in social life and (I thought) security. I have no other explanation.

Its much easier to be completely open with people you will never see and yet feel like you know. You don't really know me. If I passed you on the street you wouldn't have the slightest idea that I'm NewLeaf. In everyday life I'm a fairly open person also though.

I would never tell anyone about myself that I thought would destroy me. That's not the kind of trust I'm referring to anyway. I'm not comfortable in the one on one situation where women become too close. There is such a thing as emotional incest and my own mom practiced that with me. I'll never feel comfortable in a close relationship with women.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116553 - 06/13/07 10:25 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Well Newleaf, theres a saying thats truer than we know that: LOVE IS BLIND... In my case with my last, and I mean LAST, marriage, it was also DEAF and DUMB.
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#116554 - 06/13/07 01:15 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: chatty lady]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
chatty, you're so honest!
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116555 - 06/15/07 06:46 AM Re: Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
You know, its weird, but I'm not even attracted to my soon to be ex anymore. I guess the decision to finally end a horrific relationship has enabled me to see him for what he really is, a pathetic emotionally needy man who wants someone, anyone to make him happy.

I told him the other day, I wasn't willing to accept responsibility for his happiness. And in that vein, what do you all think?..IS a wife responsible for her husband's happiness and is a husband responsible for his wife's happiness?

Where do you draw the line? My stbex loves karaoke and his theme song is, "I did it my way." I hate that song because I know its an admission of ignorance and self absorbtion. No one can do it their way successfully and win.

Are we also responsible for our children's happiness? Our parent's happiness? Is it fair to blame another person because you are depressed?

I've often wondered where one should draw the line?
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116556 - 06/15/07 07:12 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
"Are we also responsible for our children's happiness? Our parent's happiness? Is it fair to blame another person because you are depressed?"

Interesting questions NL. I think we are responsible for raising our children as care-free and loving as possible. So that is a sort of happiness responsibility. If we have done our best raising them, then we have completed our task. Later as adults they have to decide for themselves. As for our parent's happiness? I wish I could say no on that, but I would feel guilty if I didn't try to make my mom happy. I wish I were 'more free' in that respect, but I can't jump over my shadow.

No it's not fair to blame another person if we are depressed. But we do.

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#116557 - 06/15/07 03:01 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Edelweiss]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
What I have learned is that happiness is a choice and we each make it for ourselves. I started out life thinking I wanted to make other people happy, failed miserably at it, got depressed and then realized that keeping myself happy is a hard enough job!

Your STBex is an alcholic. Alcohol is a depressent. If he stopped drinking, he'd probably be happier! :-))

You might take a look at the book "Authentic Happiness" by Martin Seligman. His site, www.authentichappiness.com [cut and paste], is also interesting.
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116558 - 06/16/07 02:45 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Casey]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Casey, I thought alcohol was a stimulant. No wonder he is terminally unhappy. I will look for the book you mentioned. There are so many things I want to do. I want to get back in the kind of shape I'd like to be in.

I'd like to make friends, just friends and have a social life. One of the things my stbex did was chase all my friends away. I would introduce him to a new friend and all he could do was criticize them and insult them and me for being friends with them and wanting to socialize with them.

Another thing I'd like to do is start my own internet business while keeping my steady job. I need the extra income bigtime.

I want to try and find where God wants me to be spiritually. I don't seem to fit into a church atmosphere anymore. That concerns me deeply. I've never been one to just go to church out of fear of being struck from the Book of Life or anything. I just can't seem to relate or fit in. What might be the answer is cottage groups that meet for Bible study and conversation and fellowship. I have a huge problem with mega churches with CEO's and the whole family "reigns" with the pastor over the congregation and it seems so many churches feel that if they aren't on track to becoming mega churches, they are failing somehow.

Another thing I'd like to do is reconnect with my artistic and creative side. My stbex would constantly criticize me for being a dreamer who never accomplished anything. "Don't just sit there and talk about taking f*&^%g pictures, just do it, I don't want to hear about it!"

I'm not kidding myself. It will take some time to get myself back or a better self back. At least he didn't take my innocence or inner child away from me and he wasn't able to break my heart.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116559 - 06/16/07 01:58 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Anonymous
Unregistered


NewLeaf, my ex would also alienate me from friend(ships). Lately, I've not "fit into a church atmosphere anymore," yet I've begun attending a singles Bible study based upon "The Purpose Driven Life" at local Baptist Church. Although I've not yet attended a service, the singles are committed, both women and men of varying ages, and plan single activities and outreaches. We will soon purchase school supplies for children who don't have the funds for such -- it seems school supply costs have increased, and along with new clothes and shoes, having the appropriate and usefull school supplies the expenses are excessive for parents.

I joind a church 2 years ago and attended service and Bible study, yet the women (and men) were more interested in gossip than God's word. I'm learning to listen to God and appreciate closed doors.

Nuttin wrong w/ dreams! I believe your ex would criticize your dreams as a controll mechanism. Although not all dreams come to reality (it's OK to keep a few to yourself!), now you can put some dreams to work!

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#116560 - 06/16/07 03:02 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: ]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
MustangGal, that's exactly what I'm looking for, a smaller group of intelligent people who are committed to learning ang growing and contributing, like the early church did in the New Testament. I'm not a corporate minded person and the corporate church just seems like an extension of my cubicle.

If my dreams ever die, so will I. I couldn't live without my creative dreams and hope. I hope to make my dreams a reality and that's what keeps me motivated and moving forward. My stbex would just say he was the only one with any common sense and that he had both feet firmly planted in reality. I would remind him that he could make all the plans and strive for routine and predictability all he wanted to but in one 24 hr. period of time it could all be over for him and his very life could be required of him.

(No wonder he was so enamored of me....lol)
I agree, when one door closes another better one opens. Life is exciting and wonderful with surprises around every turn.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116561 - 06/30/07 06:38 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
I'm feeling frightened and a bit insecure today. My stbex told me last night he hoped I choked to death. I was having a coughing spell...allergies.

I sometimes had to talk to him about issues that I'm trying to resolve to get free...auto insurance etc.

For some reason, that really hurt. I can't tell him to discuss whatever issue he has with my lawyer because I don't have one.

Its scary to me to know, to really know that 3 1/2 years of a crazy/bizarre relationship is over. I don't think I love him anymore. He also called my daughter a fing piece of s&^%. Why would I let him or anyone else call my children and grandchildren names like that?

He doesn't love them. Bottom line. And if he doesn't love them, he doesn't love me because they are a part of my heart and soul.

I've never called his daughters pieces of s&*(...at least not to his face. His oldest just found out she is pregnant by a 20 yr. old black guy and she's 27 and already has two illegitimate children and lives with her mother.

His youngest daughter is sleeping with an Hispanic, married porter with 4 children who is 20 yrs. older than her. My stbex even let THAT piece sleep with his daughter in HIS house.

Ok, I think I just convinced myself to settle down and think with my mind instead of reacting with my heart. This horrible relationship was doomed from the start.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116562 - 06/30/07 10:47 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Newleaf, soon you will realize that all this drama caused by the stbex -- I know b/c once I realized how depleting the drama can be, mentally and physically, both of which waste my precious time. Soon, you'll feel the relief and more constructive time on your hands.

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#116563 - 07/01/07 03:11 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: ]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Newleaf, onward girl! How come you continue to see him? I think that as soon as that stops, you'll feel even better.
_________________________
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www.nabbw.com
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#116564 - 07/01/07 08:54 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Newleaf my friend....Old saying.

Its better to have loved and lost,
than to live with the psycho the rest of your life...

and my personal favorite...

Women are like tea bags,
you never know how strong we are,
until we're in hot water!!
_________________________
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#116565 - 07/02/07 12:01 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: chatty lady]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Dotsie, I totally agree with you. He calls and leaves threatening, then "I'm crippled" (which used to really tug at my heart), then insulting, and angry messages on my voicemail. I don't hate him. I still care for him and do want the best for him, but its over.

My grandson's father, the one who is about to go on trial for the accusation of sexual misconduct with my grandaughter, yeah, that one....just screamed at me for an hour right before I had to leave for work,,,threatening to kill my daughter for having "his son" around her boyfriend and to kill me or "whoever made this accusation in the first place." He blames everyone else for his trouble and says he has nothing to lose. I cried all the way to work.

I'm trying diligently to rid myself of all the people in my life who mistreat me, abuse me and hurt me and think they CAN for some reason.

Chatty, I had to share your words of wisdom with my coworkers who enjoyed them as much as me..lol thanks for the laugh.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116566 - 07/02/07 04:30 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Ladies, I'm starting a new life. I'm totally reinventing myself and everything around me from my body to my finances, to the people I surround myself with, even to changing my name.

I told my mom and dad about it and they didn't seem to mind too much. I'm keeping my maiden name but changing my first and last name. Its so cool, I used all the letters of all the names of the females in my family and came up with a powerful name for myself.

Oh, and the cutie, the young guy....I slipped him a note after he was waiting for me when I got off work the other night stating how my legs turned to mush when he was around and how he made me smile.....well, he is hiding from me now it seems....oh well.

If it didn't hurt so bad, I might be able to laugh about it.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116567 - 07/13/07 03:26 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
turtle Offline


Registered: 06/14/07
Posts: 37
Keep on Keeping on. YOu deserve the best. Find a young guy and screw him like they screw us. Power to women. Men are losers and cause wars and divorce and they suck!

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#116568 - 07/13/07 03:29 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
turtle Offline


Registered: 06/14/07
Posts: 37
So far Chatty is the smartest lady on this board. Love her! Her comments are for real and I like her honesty.

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#116569 - 07/13/07 08:08 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: turtle]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
I actually like men. They aren't all bad. :-))
It's just a matter of developing a discerning eye and some good, healthy boundaries.
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#116570 - 07/13/07 08:47 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Casey]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
I agree, Casey. Some of my favorite people are men.

I would never want to be without my girlfriends, tho.
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#116571 - 08/11/07 07:48 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Anno]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
I love men as you all know. If most wars are started by men then there was a woman in the background somewhere egging it on...lol Some of the most notorious battles were fought over a woman.

While women usually aren't on the front lines, they are usually just as influential as the front line generals whispering in the ears of their men and making suggestions. Sometimes covert activities are just as profound as overt ones.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116572 - 08/11/07 08:13 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
I like men and women. I guess I gravitate towards the ones having the most fun.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116573 - 08/11/07 09:20 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
You're funny Dotsie. I have to agree!
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116574 - 08/11/07 10:48 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Some of the worlds most successful and treacherous spys have been women. Read your history books and see, or google female spys...Guess its just in our nature, LOL!!!
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#116575 - 08/12/07 03:00 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: chatty lady]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
I love peace, but not at any price. When things get too boring I've been known to stir the waters a bit just for the entertainment of it.

Peace means different things to different people. To me peace is just the absence of constant conflict. I'm not niave enough to believe that there will never be conflict in my life. Conflict just serves to make the times of calm that much more enjoyable.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116576 - 08/13/07 02:53 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
I used to feel uncomfortable around alot of men..simply because I was raised in a family that had alot of girls and my closest friends were and are still women.

Of course, my partner is a male best "friend", in the most intimate way. But at this time in life, I don't have platonic close friendships with other specific men regularily by going out to have drinks/lunches with them. Partially because relocation to a different province, just has made it long process to develop good friendships...of any gender.

But after working in several workplaces where the majority of employees are men, ...it's just as abit boring as a place with predominantly women.

I am not comfortable with men who view women as sexual objects...these men have no place in my life. I have a lover/lifelong partner already...so I just ignore these guys...life is short.

And I now get a little impatient with any man or woman who is afraid of trying something new.
_________________________
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#116577 - 08/13/07 06:13 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: orchid]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
That's a pet peeve of mine too. I don't know what happens, but it seems all growth stops at a certain age or stage of development and from that time on the person wears their hair the same, listens to the same kind of music, like the same style of clothes and shoes, watches reruns of the same sitcoms, likes the same kind of people and forms of entertainment and that's it!
Anything else is foreign and alien to them or just too much trouble to explore and examine or even try.

My ex is 60. Listens to nothing but doowoop, wears the same white tennis shoes and polo shirts with denim shorts, has worn his hair the same way for 40 years, drinks the same brand of beer, watches the same shows on TV and wouldn't dance if his life depended on it. Likes only pork and chicken and order.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116578 - 08/14/07 07:41 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
orchid, I can't stand it when men think they're cute and act flirtatious or comment on your figure, their sex life, or other things of that nature. YUK! We recently had an estimate by a boomer man who totally turned me off. I was glad my son was home. He just came across as a flirt. I mean, all we did was ask him to come give us an estimate. What's up with that behaviour. He won't get the job.

NewLeaf, I agree with people who become stagnant, but I like to beleive that boomers are less stagnant than prior generations. What do you think?
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#116579 - 08/16/07 02:49 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I think that men who act like that are insecure and afraid of growing older and no longer being attractive to women. I think I was married to one of those!
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



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#116581 - 08/17/07 10:55 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: ]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Sorry but even though I do respect some men and admire others I'm not sure I ever want to play the mating game ever again. I adore my girlfriends and feel close to them and comfortable around them, relaxed and we have a ball together, that goes for those here as well. No muss, no fuss, no bother. I can't say that about ANY man I know.
Oh, and thanks Turtle for your comment, I just today saw it!
_________________________
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#116582 - 08/18/07 02:37 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: chatty lady]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Chatty, I haven't reached that place yet. I don't know if I ever will. The cutie dumped me. He came to my house and spent some time with me as I related before. Ever since that time, it seems I was the only one infatuated or having a great time.
He hasn't spoken to me since and I'm at work right now with a broken heart. He is flirting with a cute girl and they sit together all the time. I was just a side step in his life. Its at times like this I wish I could come up with something clever to say or do or something...but I just have to sit here and suffer in silence....an older woman shunned and used and uninteresting. I asked for it and I got just what I asked for.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116583 - 08/18/07 05:20 AM Re: Its Officially Over...
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Quote:

orchid, I can't stand it when men think they're cute and act flirtatious or comment on your figure, their sex life, or other things of that nature. YUK! We recently had an estimate by a boomer man who totally turned me off. I was glad my son was home. He just came across as a flirt. I mean, all we did was ask him to come give us an estimate. What's up with that behaviour. He won't get the job.

NewLeaf, I agree with people who become stagnant, but I like to beleive that boomers are less stagnant than prior generations. What do you think?




Boomers as prone to being less stagnant than previous generations...hmmmmmm. .I still think we like our creature comforts despite some boomers foraying into marathons, hikes and age-defying activities.

What disappoints me alot is younger men, SOME younger than boomer men, who are still chauvinistic/paternalistic..still expect their wives to do the lion's share of childrearing, housework and wives putting their career choices 2nd in priority. Feels like fallout of stagnation from previous generation. (Oops, I guess that's the boomer generation.) Old, old habits die hard.

What boomer men and women have more than previous generations, are more choices in lifestyles/attitudes if they want it and with far less social ostracization (than previous generations), mutually enabling/learning lifestyles that can be psychologically and physically healthier.

It has been said that we live in a more "global" community..access to more information, easier transportation modes to see more different things and MAYBE more multicultural society. HOwever that has to be balanced by the sheer ignorance of some people our age and younger, who don't want to travel far, don't want to try different foods, don't want socialize much with others outside their socio-economic/racial/ethnic group. And these people can be our loved ones, etc.

Sometimes lack of time is the biggest reason, or income...claims that travel is expensive. (yea, sure..on a bike it isn't).

Fear based on the wrong information..can really stunt us.

NewLeaf...I think I've said my share about wrongfully benchmarking yourself in the eyes of men. Men's attitude won't change...but it's your view of yourself and how you see world that needs a fresh turnaround. 180 degrees.

Enough said.
_________________________
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#116584 - 08/19/07 12:07 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: orchid]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Well, the older I get the less I really know and have to seriously question my filters...I really thought he had just shunned me and had ignored and rejected me when in reality, he called me last night and we talked for a long time.
The reason he doesn't sit by me and talk to me is because he is too overwhelmed by me. He thinks I might not approve of him in some way.
He felt like I didn't even say hi to him or acknowledge him or speak to him. He wants to get together again as soon as we can I guess.
I have no clue about men. I have to admit. I wonder if I even know myself half the time. When we say we will roll with the flow, we really do have to and not trust our own instincts sometimes.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116585 - 08/19/07 12:48 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
He's young. He's someone's son, could have been like... your son.


Fickle..he's got lots of time...way more than you ahead. He's still playing the field, has his gal pals (or more than that maybe).
Don't waste time thinking much about him. You have much to give to grandchildren, etc. And more to know yourself.
_________________________
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#116586 - 08/19/07 12:46 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: orchid]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
NewLeaf, if you question whether you know yourself, why not take this time to get to know yourself better...before you jump into another relationship you are already questioning. Just a thought.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
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#116587 - 08/19/07 11:22 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
My filters are untrustworthy but I know myself very well. I know all my foibles and the reasons for my actions or inactivity. I probably know myself better than most people do and I accept who I am.

The guy is more a man than most adult men I've met. He is warm and intelligent and even if he and I don't wind up hooking up, I still like him a lot and wish him the best. I don't put restrictions on myself that are unnecessary and foolish. Life is here for us to experience and enjoy in its completeness.

Its really stupid to compare this young man to anyone's son...all men are the sons of someone...lol If my son were dating an older woman who looked like me and was the person I am, I would be happy about it for him.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116588 - 08/19/07 11:27 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
But...you are bouncing from one man to another one. That is the danger.
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If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



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#116589 - 08/20/07 08:53 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Dianne]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Well, Dianne, I haven't been with my ex for 3 years as a wife and I haven't dated anyone else in that whole time. I haven't liked anyone in a romantic way for years.

This guy just turns me wrong side out. He is amazing.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116590 - 08/20/07 09:06 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Okay, I'm confused. You have said quite a few times how sex with your husband was carnal. I thought that was what kept you hanging on. I'm not trying to be argumentative. I'm just confused.

Listen, we all want what is best for you. There has to come a time in a woman's life when she understands that there is more meaningful things in life than having a man be attracted to her. I know that new love feels wonderful but not when it could hurt you. We have to take time to find a more spiritual side of us that doesn't need attention from anyone--male or female. An inner acceptance, a self-love and self-respect.
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#116591 - 08/21/07 03:29 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Dianne]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
Quote:

We have to take time to find a more spiritual side of us that doesn't need attention from anyone--male or female. An inner acceptance, a self-love and self-respect.




that's a great goal and necassarie somepeople when young have a drive to achive this spirituale state or part of themselfs for others its more to do with waiting untill time rolls on and life becomes quite enough to go look for it eg when kids have left the nest, or carriers at a satisfactorie level, So i agree with you whole hartidlie on this one di.

i'm just wonderring if you think the search for someone new hinders this process or one can get carried away with a new romances the op-pertunitie to take time to know oneself gets lost. Is that your thinking di?

Do you think its possible to do the spirituale search and descoverie when one has a partner or do you think its more comprihensive when one is alone in the world?

just curiouse to what others think on this one?
_________________________
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#116592 - 08/21/07 02:33 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: celtic_flame]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
For myself, when I was single and delving deeper into my spirituality, there was nothing like a man who came along to stop my searching. Suddenly, most of my energy was put toward him so yes, I think it's imperative to take time to be alone, be quiet and listen.
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#116593 - 08/21/07 02:59 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Dianne]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Celtic, it is absolutely possible to do a spiritual search while married - even if your spouse isn't on the same page spiritually. Everyone is in a different place on their spiritual journeys. I don't believe any two are ever in the same place.
_________________________
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#116594 - 08/21/07 11:49 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
I believe it's different with a spouse, although it's possible. I really enjoy my spiritual journey, which is something my husband doesn't really share, at least we don't talk about it much. That's a bit sad for me, but it doesn't stop me.

Whether you are in or out of a relationship, I believe with Dianne that it's important to take time to be alone and be quiet and listen.

New Leaf, you also have me confused. From your posts over the last year, I can recall many times when I thought you were with your ex-. Do you mean you were living in separate residences?
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Wise Woman Shining
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#116595 - 08/22/07 01:51 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Casey]
Happy Birthday Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Celtic, in answer to your question, I think it is possible to journey mind, body, spirit with or without another person. I think that the relationship itself is part of the journey. If we all waited for another to be at the same place as us, then we'd all be waiting...to play "catch up." I had to learn that my husband has his own way in his own time. In a marriage counseling session, I complained that he never got quiet, there was always noise via TV or 2 TVs simultaneously, and, I asked, "Why can't he just have quiet, like me?" and the counselor said that I can't expect him to be on the same page as me. However, he is more engaged in discussions about spirituality than before. Also, I had to spend years alone without the "noise" of a relationship to even get started on a journey.

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#116596 - 08/22/07 09:33 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Princess Lenora]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
I feel we are all on an individual journey.Even with my church I see where we all differ in time and space but care about the core.When we meet another who is on our "wavelenghth" there is an instant recognition.For me this can be anywhere .In a shop at a concert and even with an author.The Universal love and connection is on a plane in itself.
Adversity illness and bereavment can enhance the journey and how we cope..In a word authentic living.Its exciting and I gtrasp with both hands this journey.
Mountain ash

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#116597 - 08/22/07 02:36 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Mountain Ash]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Do you notice that when you are on a spiritual journey you will meet like minds? Someone who is exploring the same thoughts and patterns?
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#116598 - 08/22/07 03:02 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Dianne]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
mountain, and may I add the instant recognition of being on the same "wavelength" also happens in forums!
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
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#116599 - 08/24/07 02:33 PM Re: Its Officially Over...
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Wow, so much going on here. First, Casey and Di, I haven't lived with my ex in the same house for three years. During that time we have stayed in contact and have had sex occasionally up until he moved into his new apartment. That was the final straw for me. My feelings for him finally died. He has closed too many doors for me to open.

I have spent my whole life on a spiritual journey only to find that all the efforts, the mind and soul searching were wasted effort. The journey's end is inevitable nothing I can do to change its outcome ultimately.

I probably know myself better than anyone can know themselves, have come to terms with my shortcomings, have done all I can do to change the things I can and have accepted graciously the things I can't change.

I am a professional at taking nothing and making something special out of it...of taking a bag of garbage and making it useful and pleasant.

Life isn't that complicated that we have to take a sabatical from relationships and bow out for a time of reflection and whatever...we are ALL spiritual beings and will live on eternally even after we die, so looking for our spiritual selves is like looking in a mirror. We are spirit body and mind. No journey to find necessary.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116600 - 09/17/07 12:22 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
Phyllis0618 Offline
member

Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 138
Loc: Oakland County, Michigan
I had two divorces and took 10 years for myself. Loved the freedom to come and go at will. My son was older then and was not living at home.

However, when finances were tough (most of the time), I had female roommates who worked different hours than me. We were never around at the same time. Divided the refrigerator into sections for me and for them. (No fighting over who's food it was). Don't fall into the pit of finding another husband because of emotional need. It tends to happen too often without meaning to. Get to know your own needs better. Ask for financial or help at least for fixing the house. There are other choices and you will make them in time.

Keep away from potential problems you don't need right now.
_________________________
Please Support VisionWalk 2008 for Foundation Fighting Blindness

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#116601 - 09/25/07 11:20 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: Phyllis0618]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Thanks Phyllis. I'm quite comfortable by myself and do have a housemate. He is a scientist, for real!, and pays his rent on time and helps out with various chores.
I don't NEED a man to fulfill me, but I really, really like men. I like the way they look and smell and act and think. I like to watch them and observe their behaviour. I enjoy hearing their voices which are usually low and soothing.
I like their big hands and that they're all hairy and smell of the woods and spices.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#116602 - 09/26/07 01:46 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: NewLeaf]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Newleaf reading your description of a man almost, and I said ALMOST makes me want one too. Naaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#116603 - 09/26/07 09:55 AM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: chatty lady]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Awwww, Chatty, you can't feel what NL is saying? I won't assume anything for others...BUT...there's something in me for sure that lines up with exactly what she's saying. I LOVE a man's arms and hands...my most, absolutely faorite part of a man!!! hehehehe.....give me a break....it's early!
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#116604 - 09/26/07 03:47 PM Re: Its Officially Over... [Re: ladyjane]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
I think I have more of the androgen(?) or whatever most women my age lose as they get older or something. I don't seem to have lost interest or ability in ANY area of the dating, romance, physical attraction thing. I don't think at this point I WANT to lose any of it. Doesn't mean I can't be happy by myself or that I need a man to fulfill me...to be honest, I just love sex and romance and the pursuit of it all and the wonderful feeling when you meet someone special.
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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