Newleaf, you are finally taking care of you and I am so proud of you and how far you have come. Stick to your guns, you deserve much better than the old life. You will find someone to room with, but be careful and CHECK REFERENCES. Especially of its a man you take in, there are the children to consider. I will continue praying for you and you keep up the good work...

Orchid,
Thank you so much for sharing your photos! I love the birch tree one and the taro fields! They are beautiful. I too share a love of trees and the balance and texture of the paintings is so emotionally perfect and pleasing.

You are a very lovely woman. I can see where bike riding would be one of your passions. I need to just begin to move again. Its hard taking that first step.

I completely understand that I'm probably missing out on a lot but even now, my step daughter wants to "hang out" with me and every time she does, some more of my things come up missing.

My middle daughter has a best long time friend who is Korean and was adopted by a family in the US. She is another of my daughters and I have a foster daughter also who has some female friends. She's an RN and a wonderful person. I love them dearly but its extremely rare that I allow a female into my heart and lay down all defenses and just don't care if they hurt me or not. I can count on my fingers those people.

My oldest daughter has had some good female friends but now is embroiled in raising 3 children and has a husband. My youngest daughter has had the same experiences as me. We just find it very hard to respect another female enough to be best or close friends with them although she hangs out with females and so do I on occasion.

My sister in laws don't like me because I'm too radical for their tastes. But you should see them!! One is as plain as Saran Wrap and the other one is funny and smart and I get along with her but she's let my sister influence her. I get along great with my brothers though. Maybe that's why the sister in laws don't like me.

I think, personality wise and thinking wise, I must be a lot like Angelina Jolie. (Wish I looked like her!!) She loves children and wants to do good, but seems like she's a bit twisted like me.

Chick and Chatty, thank you so much. I ask you all to just be patient with me. I think I'm learning to trust somewhat through this forum of women. It's easier if we can't see each other or "hang out" because then whatever it is that just annoys the heck out of prospective friends can't be detected long distance.

I don't really know what it is about me that annoys or scares off prospective friends. Maybe I should be like that Wadsworth poem about the power to see ourselves as others see us. I'd like to be a mouse in someone's pocket for a few days and observe myself unobjectively.

No one could care more than me, but I'm too much a child. I jump and run and play and cavort and play video games and hum and fidget and sing and fish and swing and play on playground equipment with the kids, and get excited by things other people take for granted and take in strays (people and animals). My house is full of plants and all of them have names and personalities, my guenia pigs, fish, and I want a dog and a cat. My home is always filled with kids who adore me.

I'm always planning the next fun thing and always looking for something new to learn and conquer.

That turns a lot of people off because they don't understand why a woman who is about to turn 58 would ride with all the windows down and hip hop music blaring with the bass vibrating the very walls and windows of my black Nissan.

I love it! Sometimes its classical music, sometimes jazz or zydeco or swing or Stevie Nicks.

I'm just as apt to call from Missouri or Texas and say I just had a whim to see someone and had the time and money.

Yet I am a homebody. Rearrange the furniture at least once a month just for the variety. Love to cook and entertain and decorate and set moods for people and make happy memories.

Honestly, would a person like that be like a cuckleburr under your saddle? I really want to know.

Hey, I crank up the CD player in my car and rock out too. I don't think I'll ever grow up in that area and don't want to either.

I believe your lack of trust comes from your mother and we try to rewrite history with the same type of personality to get it right but the problem is, we are working with the same personality so it never goes as planned. If we pull abusive men into our lives, chances are that our girlfriends will also be abusive in some form. I learned that in therapy and my friendship base changed after that. And, once I changed what I accepted in my life, I suddenly had "like minds" enter in. I found friends who were spiritual and cared about others with true love.

Just last month I was on a water slide with my grandkids and had the time of my life. I don't think you sound strange at all.

New Leaf
when I asked you why you dont like women I knew you would have reasons.
Like Orchid I believe we learn early...from our Parents/ carers to be loved and and this is done in everday interaction.Imagine cuddling a babe and the little one knowing she was loved.
The early years schooling you remember is sad (for me who worked in education)but will have shaped you,Do you have any positive role models from school years.
I do....and from the wider "tribe" that existed.Try to remember kindness where you can.
I would be blessd to count you as a friend and see no reason why you would not "like" me.I am sure I speak for others.
I have tried to spread "sparkles " in my life with a hand held out to others.Yes I have been bitten but true faith is doing the same ...holding out a hand.
You mentioned seeing yourself as others see you.Can I proudly claim the poem as Scottish bu Robert Burns.
Yours
Mountain ash

nd there's a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o thine
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang sine

Translation for non Scots

(Here's a hand my trused friend )
(And give me a hand of yours)
(And we will take of a good drink/toast)
(For old long ago)

New Leaf, Congratulations on putting in the papers. I know it's been a long road and it's difficult, but I'm glad that you have had the strength and fortitude to finally do it! :-))

Diane, glad to know you are a kindred spirit. I feel I would be missing out on so much if I thew away my childhood. My mom has hurt me so much but I still love her. She used to rip the ball off one of those paddle ball things and beat me all over the house with it calling me names and just beating and beating me all over my head and shoulders and arms...but then she would feel bad and take me to get my eyebrows arched or my hair fixed. Dad never did anything about it.

Mom would buy new clothes, lots of new outfits and new shoes and makeup and I got to wear my cousin's hand me downs.

Strangely enough though when I became beauty queen, she went right along with it and went to Springfield with me and made sure I got to borrow a wealthy lady's wardrobe for the finals.

She claims to love me, but I never measure up. She hasn't been to my home in years. Only when my husband died, then it was more like a family reunion.

Mom likes to, out of nowhere, and I mean out of NOWHERE, say,"by the way, Rhonda, why DID you do thus and so back when?" and it will be something I would like the whole world to forget! Its like she loves to play with your emotions and your head.

I miss being in a relationship but I'll get over it. I'm sort of excited because now I'm facing a new life and a new chance. I want to do my very best this time to love myself and accept myself.

Mountain Ash, I"m going right out to the library and checking out his book of poetry to take to work.

Casey, thanks, I should have done it months ago, but now it just seems right.

New Leaf
write some poems
They need not rhymn. write from your heart.
You were a beauty queen ?
Montain ash