I had a nurse-practitioner who's husband had an affair. They reconciled, but it took quite a while. I have a book on my bookshelf called "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Abrahms Spring, that I haven't read. It deals with forgiveness (or not) after an affair.

I'm curious, New Leat, if he was so different from John, why did you marry your soon-to-be ex?

It sounds like to me you haven't given yourself time to know yourself between husbands. To give yourself time to know what you would want, or not want in a mate.

I'm curious as to why you don't trust women, yet you open your life up here, every aspect of it, to total strangers. I'm also wondering why you would have married this guy in the first place.

Newleaf, I think that if you spend some time alone you may find that you will become your best friend, freedom, independence and self-sufficient are powerful allies.

Well, JawJaw and all, I wasn't in my right mind when I met and ultimately married my husband.

I had cried nonstop for months. I had quit eating and moved out of our home. I had just become someone I didn't even know for a time. My soon to be ex is a gregarious man with many friends and acquaintances. He offered a built in social life and (I thought) security. I have no other explanation.

Its much easier to be completely open with people you will never see and yet feel like you know. You don't really know me. If I passed you on the street you wouldn't have the slightest idea that I'm NewLeaf. In everyday life I'm a fairly open person also though.

I would never tell anyone about myself that I thought would destroy me. That's not the kind of trust I'm referring to anyway. I'm not comfortable in the one on one situation where women become too close. There is such a thing as emotional incest and my own mom practiced that with me. I'll never feel comfortable in a close relationship with women.

Well Newleaf, theres a saying thats truer than we know that: LOVE IS BLIND... In my case with my last, and I mean LAST, marriage, it was also DEAF and DUMB.

chatty, you're so honest!

You know, its weird, but I'm not even attracted to my soon to be ex anymore. I guess the decision to finally end a horrific relationship has enabled me to see him for what he really is, a pathetic emotionally needy man who wants someone, anyone to make him happy.

I told him the other day, I wasn't willing to accept responsibility for his happiness. And in that vein, what do you all think?..IS a wife responsible for her husband's happiness and is a husband responsible for his wife's happiness?

Where do you draw the line? My stbex loves karaoke and his theme song is, "I did it my way." I hate that song because I know its an admission of ignorance and self absorbtion. No one can do it their way successfully and win.

Are we also responsible for our children's happiness? Our parent's happiness? Is it fair to blame another person because you are depressed?

I've often wondered where one should draw the line?

"Are we also responsible for our children's happiness? Our parent's happiness? Is it fair to blame another person because you are depressed?"

Interesting questions NL. I think we are responsible for raising our children as care-free and loving as possible. So that is a sort of happiness responsibility. If we have done our best raising them, then we have completed our task. Later as adults they have to decide for themselves. As for our parent's happiness? I wish I could say no on that, but I would feel guilty if I didn't try to make my mom happy. I wish I were 'more free' in that respect, but I can't jump over my shadow.

No it's not fair to blame another person if we are depressed. But we do.

What I have learned is that happiness is a choice and we each make it for ourselves. I started out life thinking I wanted to make other people happy, failed miserably at it, got depressed and then realized that keeping myself happy is a hard enough job!

Your STBex is an alcholic. Alcohol is a depressent. If he stopped drinking, he'd probably be happier! :-))

You might take a look at the book "Authentic Happiness" by Martin Seligman. His site, www.authentichappiness.com [cut and paste], is also interesting.

Casey, I thought alcohol was a stimulant. No wonder he is terminally unhappy. I will look for the book you mentioned. There are so many things I want to do. I want to get back in the kind of shape I'd like to be in.

I'd like to make friends, just friends and have a social life. One of the things my stbex did was chase all my friends away. I would introduce him to a new friend and all he could do was criticize them and insult them and me for being friends with them and wanting to socialize with them.

Another thing I'd like to do is start my own internet business while keeping my steady job. I need the extra income bigtime.

I want to try and find where God wants me to be spiritually. I don't seem to fit into a church atmosphere anymore. That concerns me deeply. I've never been one to just go to church out of fear of being struck from the Book of Life or anything. I just can't seem to relate or fit in. What might be the answer is cottage groups that meet for Bible study and conversation and fellowship. I have a huge problem with mega churches with CEO's and the whole family "reigns" with the pastor over the congregation and it seems so many churches feel that if they aren't on track to becoming mega churches, they are failing somehow.

Another thing I'd like to do is reconnect with my artistic and creative side. My stbex would constantly criticize me for being a dreamer who never accomplished anything. "Don't just sit there and talk about taking f*&^%g pictures, just do it, I don't want to hear about it!"

I'm not kidding myself. It will take some time to get myself back or a better self back. At least he didn't take my innocence or inner child away from me and he wasn't able to break my heart.