Emyjay,
I don't know if anyone has suggested to you to keep a journal.
I don't know what you have been through in your life, but if there were experiences in your childhood that were traumatic for you, they can have such a huge impact in your adult life.
I know there are chemical imbalances in the brain that cause depression, as I have a sister who suffers terribly with depression and is on meds which have helped her. However, when we were children, our father walked out on us, my family was split up, (there are 9 children), it was too much for my mother. She had suffered a complete breakdown and as I found out later had tried to commit suicide, thank the Lord, unsuccessfully. We were all placed in different foster homes, some in group homes that were anything but pleasant. It turns out that all of us girls had been molested by a family member. One of my sisters had been raped, (I never knew this until years later)we had all suffered emotional abuse, some physical abuse. You can imagine the issues we deal with as adults.
I can tell you, if it weren't for a lot of prayer and a lot of faith in God, I don't think I'd be sitting here today.

I tell you all this because keeping journal is very therapeutic. Also, if there are family members you can talk to. A few years ago, one of my sisters called me after not seeing or hear from her from years. She wanted to try to get as many of us together as possible for a reunion. We knew it would be difficult, but we felt it was time. Not everyone came, but it was such a great weekend. We talked and talked and talked, it was the best therapy ever. There were so many things that each of us as been through that others had not known that explains so much of our behavior today. There were also so many quirks and habits we all have that we laughed, because in spite of growing up apart from each other, there are still so many things we do alike, mannerisms, habits, etc. There was a brother there that I hadn't seen in 20 years, the last time I had seen him I was extremely angry with him. We immediately said it was ridiculous to hold a grudge for so many years. Most of what had happened was due to immaturity, lack of direction, just the result of our childhood. Past was past and it was time to start over. It was a healing weekend. When I saw my mom, I just cried and cried, she hugged me and we both said at the same time, "It's okay." Two simple little word, but knowing what it meant. I completely understood that she had done everything she could to try to keep the family together, things I would learn of later. Let's just say the judicial system at the time was seriously lacking in compassion. Emyjay, I know I have rambled, but I said all this to give you some things to think about. I know what you are going through is so difficult, but you can come out the other side!

One other thing that helps me....Gardening. I love to garden and work in the yard. It's very relaxing to me.
Seeing the results of your efforts, pretty flowers and trees to look at, I have a butterfly garden, I highly recommend that. Getting outdoors is one of the best therapies I know of. We used to camp alot, get back to nature, there's something spiritual about it. I feel a stronger connection to God when I get out and enjoy mother nature.

Good Luck to you Emyjay and I hope this helps!
Gerrbeck

Gerrbeck, thanks for your helpful, thoughtful post to Emy. We never know how our words will touch another so you are kind to put them out there just in case something clicks for her.

One more thing, I had to go get my bible...
I really like this verse, it was originally in a bible study for Sunday school when I was 10 or 11, I still have the page tucked away in my wallet.

For you would forget your trouble,
As waters that have passed by, you would remember it.
And your life would be brighter than the noonday;
Darkness would be like morning.
Then you would trust, because there is hope;
And you would look around and rest securely.
You would lie down and none would disturb you.
And many would entreat your favor.

-Job 11:16-19
Gerrbeck

Gerrbeck,

I keep trying to answer your questions, but also keep "timing out."

So, I'm just going to "list" my answers.

Mother very emotionally abusive toward me - father confirmed this to psyciatrists. Think they had to get married.

Was raised in a not good fundamentalist church. Sometimes, Mother would say, "Gods going to punish you" if I didn't do what she said. But then, she would act out a great deal and cussed like a sailor.

Major tragic events during my teens. Car accident claimed favorite aunt and uncle. Paternal grandfather commits suicide after death of my grandmother. Uncle and aunt die in a fire. Favorite uncle dies of cancer. All of the above within two years.

I marry my childhood sweetheart. Have to, but then have a miscarriage. I immediately try to get pregnant again. Didn't know husband had been cheating on me the whole time we had been married. After getting pregnant, find out about him. Move back home. Have baby early. Jonathan is born with a bilateral cleft of lip and palate. Husband has let insurance lapse -- did not know this until four days after birth.

Will continue on next post. Might time out if I continue
Emily

Meet my current husband. John steps in and is my rock. Walks Jonathan up and down hospital corridors before and after surgeries. Takes approximately seven surgeries the first time around. Then a whole new string of revision surgeries during his teens.

Since I have no insurance, I have to get medical assistance. In Maryland, you can't get medical assistance for a child, untless you are on welfare and food stamps. I do what I have to do for my child. This eats me alive. I am willing and capable. I beg them to let me work between surgeries. Not an option. So, I am home, pretty much alone during the days, for years.

There is more, but I don't want to continue writing about anymore negatives in my life. Yep, I have journaled all of the above and more.

Chemical imbalance: Grandfather and father have psychological problems. (My mother obviously did, but no one did anything about this at the time she acted out against me.) Father eventually diagnosed as bi-polar.

My current psychiatrist is a research scientist at NIMH.

Will continue on next post, you know why.

Emily

That's the National Institute of Mental Health. He is great. I mean the best of the best.

Dr. Spear has only met with me twice. I'll see him again in about two weeks. But he calls me once or twice a week to see how I am. Never charges me for the calls!

He is really working hard to find the right combination of meds to help me feel better for longer periods of time. He is a neurologist, psychopharmacologist and endrogonologst.

He meets with John and I and is completely convinced that there is a chemical imbalance issue. He asks me questions, listens, then starts penciling equations. Mathematical, I mean. Amazing.

Anyway, that's where I am now. Great doctor, good job, but I don't like to be home by myself??? I get very anxious???

Working on the above with my old therapist. Stopped with the new one for the summer, at least. Two therapists was not working.

So glad I found this site. But don't want to take time complaining.

Working on religious issues. Was working "too" hard. Have been told this is not unusual for people in their late fifties. (Facing lots of losses and changes at this stage of life.)

Hope you're following me. Speed writing and typing here.
Lol

Emily (to be continued)

Actually, looking back on my life, I guess I have to say that I truly am a survivor.

But, I know that others have been through much more than I have. Or less, but have still been impacted by tradgedies.

Sorry I had to post the way I have. I do not know why I keep timing out.

Anyway, I do truly thank everyone who has taken their time to answer my posts.

I'm doing pretty good right now. But I'm trying to accept the fact that I will be going through these downs, but will come out. So, I've made myself a stack of 3 x 5 cards with words of wisdom and verses. I keep them handy, in case I need a boost. Many of these words of hope and assurance have been taken from boomer posts!

Hopefully, some of what I've written in this forum will help others. It's harder to go through depression when you think you're the only one with this challenge. I do hope
my posts will give support to those new to this.

Love,
Emily

Gerrbeck,

I loved that verse from Job. (Reaching for a blank 3x5.)

Interesting, I was in Job's Daughters, the young ladies division of the Masons. I'm a past honored queen. Means I worked hard and gave lots of speechs. It was a lot of pressure on me, but this is one choice my mother made for me that was good. I am comfortable speaking in front of groups of people. (I just can't be alone?????)

No question, my years in Job's Daughters still serves me well, when I'm questioning and feel like I can't find answers.

Love,
Emily

Emyjay,
You really have see a lot of tragedy. More than one person should have to deal with. You truly are a survivor though.
I guess we all are in some way, because I don't think there's a person on the planet who doesn't have issues, skeletons in their closet, tragedies, etc. Some of us cope better than others, but we all find some way to cope with the pain and hopefully eventually overcome. This forum is definitely a wonderful place for all of us. It's great to have a place to share what we are going through, good and bad. You know, you can almost always find someone who has had it just as bad if not worse than you. A radio DJ here always signs off here by saying, "And remember, now matter how bad it is, it ain't that bad." I myself just in the last few days have been dealt another hard blow and having to deal with something I'd rather not, but I'll find a way.
More on all that later, don't want to get into it right now.
Spend some time outside today if you can and breathe, appreciated nature and feel closer to God.
God Bless,
Gerri

Just got home from the orthopeadic man. It seems that my decision that my foot was healed and that I could get out and about wasn't correct. Especially spending the Fourth at the beach cottage. (It's within four blocks of the Cheaspeake Bay, belongs to my mother-in-law but will be inhereted by us when the inevitable happens.) Anyway, my mother-in-law really enjoys Breezy Point during the Fourth. Parade, games and food on the beach, family around. I take this opportunity to entertain my extended family. Our house is small and I just can't fit everyone in during other times of the year.

So, off I went, walking on sand, decorating, etc.

Apparently, this was the worst thing I could of done -walking in the sand - and the ortho man says I've put myself back about three weeks. So, now I'm in some kind of lace up boot thing for the next four weeks.

Oh well, I'm more adjusted to staying home alone. Plus, I have a stack of books that I'm really interested in. I'm loving Eat, Pray, Love. I know I'm a little late, but I like the book.

Can't go out today. It's one hundred here. But I will go out tonight and sit by our pond. I guess I can sit there all night if I want to, because I'm not going anywhere. Well, I could make it to the movies and a restaurant.
And I could scrapbook. So basically, I'm lucky and can do anything I want -- except walk in the sand or walk too much, period.

I'm sorry to hear about your hard blow. If you want to talk to me about it, please don't hesitate to e-mail me. Really.

I've had over twenty years of therapy -- off and on. Groups and one on one. I've had "on the job training."
I wouldn't mine if you shared your challenge with me.

Love,
Emily