My depression is back and it's bad. I'm sorry to bother al of you with this again. But I didn't expect to relapse so fast and so bad.

I called the NIH DR. and he's uping one of my meds. I'm still with my old counselor, becaue I couldn't find a new one that takes my insurance.

I cannot believe this. I'm saying affirmations to myself and outloud. By the end of this week, I'll be alone day after day.

I could volunteer, but I'm so down I just can't explain it.
I couldn't find my first post about this. I need to reread the supportive letters.

I'm getting panic attacks along with the depression. It's because I'm pannicked about the depression, I think.

So sorry to have to post such a down post

Emily

I did find my original post. I'm not concentrating very good. I really did miss it when I searched the first time.
Emily

Writing down how you feel, or talking to us is/can be very therapeutic, so post away, we are listening. I'm so sorry that you are having a bad time with depression and panic attacks. Sometimes it takes about 10 days for the meds to kick in. I Hope you feel better soon.

Hang in there, Emily. Remember that old saying about some journeys being three steps forward, two steps back. These dreaded relapses are so discouraging and frightening - my fear is always that I won't make it out this time. But somehow, in the midst of sinking into that quicksand, you HAVE to force yourself to believe that this is just a TEMPORARY setback, that "this too shall pass".

Come here when you can, and even when you don't feel like it or are afraid to...that fear of "contagious negativity" is a symptom of depression, not our reality here. I know this is REALLY tough to do, but try to write one or two encouraging words to someone else while you're here - you were starting to share your hard-earned wisdom with us here, and we continue to be enriched by your presence here...sometimes, just sharing that little tidbit of wisdom with someone else ends up helping our own selves too.

But I don't mean to pressure you - you and I both know that at these times, you can only do what you can when you can, and trying to move beyond that is just too frustrating and exhausting. So just be who you are here and trust that we're here for you. Know that you're amongst friends who truly care and will help carry you through this dark patch.

And keep in mind that this could be due to chemical imbalance & fluctuations going on due to medications - so don't go beating yourself up about that - you cannot control that balance yourself, and it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong to bring this back. When there are chemical balances at play, it's really a crap shoot trying to bring everything back into balance. Be patient and kind with yourself while the doctor tries to fix this.

Emily, as Eagle said, just hang in there. Depression can often by cyclical, and sometimes medications have to be adjusted because our bodies 'get used to' them. We are here for you and cheering you on.

Yes, hang in there, friend. I know that soon, the right meds will help you out. In the meantime, it sounds like you are doing all the right things.

Know that you are loved and we all want you to be well, soon.

Friends,

I did make it back to work yesterday afternoon. I can't say that I was at my creative best. Basically, I was a warm body, but I did spend some time helping an autistic
child feel like he was fitting in with the others.

I'm listening to everything everyone is saying. When I'm saying this is challenging, I mean that for some time now, I'll only feel down or anxious for a few days and I usually can talk myself out of it with the help of meds.

This is lasting and the anxiety attacks are happening one after another. It's very, very draining.

I have to host a Luau for the kids on Thursday, the last day of school. Then I have a family gathering to attend on Saturday. On Sunday, the family is having a 60th birthday party for my husband. It will be Luau themed too.

This all sounds like fun, but right now -- for me -- it sounds overwhelming. Usually I'd love a weekend like this.

I talked to an old friend last night. She's off this week, but will be going back to work next week. Nancy has a husband with depression and their son had to take off a year of college with the same challenge.

So, she has been a great support this week. She's also trying to find me a good therapist. Every person we've called has failed to call back. Not one call returned.

So, I'm still with Bruce. As nice and good as he is, I'm not sure I'm getting anywhere with him. I'm not sure he is trained in Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

Believe me ladies, I do not want to feel like this. My husband is yelling at me to "get over it." After all of these years, I know it's hard on him, too. But I've been fighting all of the way. I've been working part-time. I have been trying as hard as I can. I've been working with therapists and I'm tired.

Nancy said that maybe I'm trying to hard. I think there is some truth in what she said.

Also, she reminded me of all of the losses I'm facing now - my job ending, no meeting colleages in the morning, not seeing the parents who are so nice, now working with the kids, my neighbor died last Saturday and my friends moving.

She knows that I don't do loss well and that I'm basically scared to be alone. I don't understand this feeling. I have a nice house and four dogs and fish. This is what I'm wanting a therapist to work on with me. Why do I panic or get anxiety attacks when I'm alone?

Eagle, what you said about being afraid that this is contagious, that's how I feel exactly. Exactly.

I'm back to one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

Thanks to all of you who are taking your time to help me.

Emily

Emily,
It's interesting when you say that you "don't do loss well". I was reflecting on this in my own life yesterday; I realized that although I've had chronic (very low-grade) depression all of my life, the major clinical depressions have only happened after major losses in my life. The first one was triggered by the loss of a significant relationship/person in my life at the time. All other major bouts have been triggered by loss - my Dad, Mom, and now my brother. Each time, those losses have ripped the rug out from under my feet, and each time those losses have also triggered major fear of being alone and terrible feelings of having been abandoned by everyone.

(PS, there are a lot of other peripheral losses that I'm dealing with in connection to losing my brother - those are just as painful and rug-ripping)

There has to be a connection there, that perhaps being highly sensitive persons, we just truly don't do loss well; it literally does rip the rug out from under our feet and takes us a long time and hard work to find our equilibrium again...and depending on the peripheral losses (social, networking, meaningful contribution, etc), re-finding our balance within those new circumstances can be a long and elusive exercise in frustration and fatigue.

I'm currently working on "steadfastness". It's the ability to stay centered while the world is caving in all around me, and the ability to stay intact when everything around me is in chaos. It's do-able, but hard to reach...that's the patch of road I'm on right now - hoping that it will help me not completely collapse again when the next major loss happens.

Sigh. Emily, life is a constant struggle for those of us who suffer this depression illness. Even when things are going well, we're always nervous that at any moment that depression is going to just come right out of left field and whack us in the mind again and suck us right back down into that quagmire.

I do believe that we're ultimately tougher, and that the more "rounds" we go through, the better we get at getting through them intact. Hang in there. All of those things you have planned ARE overwhelming - I'm utterly exhausted just reading what you have to do and will probably have to take a nap just thinking about your hectic schedule. That's hard enough for anyone, but for those of us with an increased need for "downtime", it's indeed overwhelming. Take it one day, one moment, one person, one task at a time. Keep telling yourself "this too shall pass" and "I'm much tougher and stronger than I feel right now".

We're all here with you. And we're not going to allow this to be contagious (it's not you who decides if it's contagious, it's us), so feel free to vent, write and be what you need to be right here with us, we're listening.

Thank you Eagle,

I made it to work this morning. But I am overwhelmed by all of these planned parties and people that I have to be up for to entertain.

The timing is not good for me. I'm way down and anxious at the same time.

I can't imagine trying to concentrate on putting these parties together.

I've just taken another 100 mg of a med I'm supposed to take and 2 Kolonopins.

If I can just get through this week, I'm going to restart my search for a therapist who can meet with me two or three times a week. I need that support now.

Thank you for saying that my challenge is not contagious. I really feel uncomfortable posting negative issues here.
Don't want to upset anyone, ever.

Think your problem with loss does sound exactly like mine.
I wonder where this response came from?

Have to lie down now. Don't know how I'm going to do this afternoon.

Thank you, Eagle, for so much love and support,
Emily

Emily
I do understand that you need to lie down.
Have you friends who would step up and help with the parties?Whilst allowing you to attend and share the responsiblilty.
I dont do big parties and take Christmas steps at a time using short cuts to save work.
We all care that you begin to feel better.
Mountain ash

Religion is a bid issue for me. I did lots of stuff wrong when I was a teen. I don't know if God forgives me. I was raised fundametalist Baptist. I don't want to continue this subject here. I posted it already on the faith forum.
Maybe someone can help me. I've been feeling bad about myself for years.
Emily

Can't find my original post about this subject. I just know that there seems to be many people on this forum who gain so much strength from their faith. I don't know how to get to the place where I feel peaceful with God. I've been trying so hard.

Emily

It's sort of like being at the kind of luau that you're planning for this week...the tables are full of good things to eat, the decorations are festive, the guests are milling around, chatting, eating, laughing - but you stand back and watch it all happen around you, not allowing yourself to participate and you won't allow yourself to eat any of that good food because you think you're not worthy, that it's all spread out there for everyone else, but not for you.

There are lots of good-sounding reasons in your mind for thinking that, you might even tell yourself that it's good for your diet not to eat, but deep down inside, you know that you wanna! You want to get right in there, dig in, enjoy every bite and enjoy the festivities. But you're still convinced that you're not allowed.

Well, let me put it bluntly. That's all a lie. And anyone who has ever told you that you're not worthy or allowed to feast at that table has been lying to you. Because the absolute truth is that you are EXACTLY the person that this is all for - you are not only allowed, but you are invited and welcomed with open arms to this party, to this table - everything on that banquet table is there FOR YOU! You are the ONLY ONE who is stopping you from eating. I can tell you with absolute certainty that it is not God who is keeping you from that feast. He's the one who has laid it all out there for you.

So what to do? First of all, give yourself permission to feast at that table. If need be, go to the Host (God), and if you feel a need to, apologize for being late to the party, and then ask Him for a tour of what's available. Open you eyes to see what's there for you, what's always been there for you. And open your heart to accept it all as gift, pure gift - you didn't and don't have to do anything at all to receive any of it - it's just simply there. That's love at work. Love that doesn't expect, ask, demand or insist that you be anything more than who you are right now at this moment in time. There is NOTHING standing between you and that banqueting table - except you.

It's so much simpler than you've probably been led to believe. You just bow your head, whisper "I'm here, Lord, bless me according to Your will" and then just close your eyes and will yourself to believe that He's heard you and is welcoming you in with open arms and more love than you can ever imagine - just for being! Not for anything you've done or not done, that's all done and gone - today is all that matters to God - this moment, you and Him.

It's about relationship, not religion. Pure love sets that banquet table - and pure love invites you to come as you are and feast on every good thing laid out there. Stop beating yourself up for things you can never change - leave the past in the past and start fresh today, with a clean slate...His loving shoulders are big enough to take that past off of your tired shoulders and cast it away forever. Just be you with Him, that's enough.

Feel free to PM me. My childhood religion beat me up pretty bad too. You can work through it though.

Amen, Eagle! You said it perfectly! I love reading your posts. You make me smile.

Eagle, what you said is exactly how I feel.

Cookie, you are right, I love reading Eagles posts also
They have been a great source of comfort for me and I'm sure, countless others.

I would like to EM you Diane. Need to lie down now, due to change in meds. But will write to you within the next two days. Thank you for inviting me to do so.

Thank you for the offer of support.

Emily

Opps. I just read all of the posts on a faith thread. That was before my time, I think.

Emily

Eagle...I love the image you just wrote...how encouraging for all of us...

Remember how babies learn to walk...few steps up...oops fall down...crawl back up...pull up on the chair leg...few steps up...oops fall down...

Emily...hang in there...I know this is cliche...but...it's not how many times you fall...it's how many times you get up that counts! You're doing the things that will help you...just keep going...you're getting there...

The "first" Luau is today. So I'm not going to think of the other one to be held on Sunday.

The Sunday one will be with family. Since everyone knows about my challenge, I won't have to worry about pretending to feel any better than I can at this time.

Jane, Cookie, Dianne and Eagle, thank you again for your inspiring words.

I'm leaving know for Luau number one. Almost everything is ready. I'll only have a two hour break today between morning and afternoon shifts. (Our kids have a half-day.)

Anyway, I do feel some relief knowing that everything is pretty much in place. (yea!) Until everything is ready, I stress about upcoming events. My mother did this too. I learned how to be nervous from her.

Love,
Emily

Eagle, your luau metaphor is stunningly beautiful. I'm humbled reading it.

Emyjay, I can't catch your depression any more than you'll catch a migraine reading about mine (Good thing for both of us!) Every person on this planet has hardships, and we all deal with it to the best of our abilities. I haven't been in your situation, so instead of advice, I'll just offer love

Eagle Heart you made me cry with your luau metaphors! WOW!
I don't think I have ever heard it put in such a way.

Emyjay,
I can empathize with you, more than you know. I also remember feeling so unworthy because of things in my past. Believe it sweetie, you are worthy!
Take Eagle Heart's advice and step up to the table and enjoy the feast!

Dear One,
Look forward instead of backward. Your future is ahead of you and the past is behind you. I am the creator of new things. When you came to Me, former things passed away and all the things were created new. You are growing and becoming new through your relationship with Me. Let go of your past and press forward to your new adventure in faith.
-Your Hope (God)
From A Pocket Full of Promises for Women (Honor Books)

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43: 18-19 NIV

Dear brothers, I am still not all I should be but I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.
Phillipians 3:13 TLB

gerrbeck

gerrbeck,

I agree with you, Eagle's words always touch my heart!

And so did your's.

I'll be adding your quotes to my little affirmaiton notebook.

Blessings,
Emily

The Lord is my Shepherd

"My table thou has furnished..in presence of my foes"
eat at the table please.
Mountain ash

God knows everything there is to know about all areas of your life. He also has the power to deal with whatever causes you fear. Lean on Him. He is generous and enjoys giving to YOU. I know it's not always easy to have this trust, but keep at it and you will feel His grace more with each passing day. Keep looking for it...and know we are praying for you. We love you and you are worthy!

I love what you wrote, which is exactly where I'm trying to steer my thoughts.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm trying too hard.

Thank you for giving of yourself to me. I made a copy of what you said and am keeping it with me.

Love,
Emily

Just thought I should check in to tell all of you how much I appreciate all of your support.

I'm doing pretty good, again, and hoping that this mood will continue.

My meds Dr. has really been working with me. I've seen him twice in his office (well, he uses a friend's office), paid him only twice. Yet, he calls me to check on me, answers my calls for free, keeps in contact with my family Dr by fax - Dr. Speer is a blessing!

I'm just taking one day at a time. I'm not just saying this, I really am training myself to stop predicting how tomorrow will be or how I will be feeling. I think the cognitive therapy is beginning to work. Well, I am going to make it work.

Blessings to everyone on this board.

Emily

Emily, your post sounds so upbeat. I am glad to hear you have a decent Dr. Keep on keeping on.

Thank you, Chick. I'm trying, I really and truly am.

I've pulled some books off of the shelf. Good literature occupies my brain. My problem, now, is that I have too much time on my hands. Lots of housework to do, but I don't like to stay inside all day doing that.

So much about me. I'm tired of talking about me. How is everyone else? How are you? Are you taking any trips this summer?

Emily

Emily, I hope my trip will be back to Tennesse, please God. My sister is coming in July and I may be meeting Kathy ( R n J)from here. Other than that,I am hoping to get a job to fill in the long days....gets me outta creating housework for myself too, ha ha.

Emily, do you garden?

Dear Chick,

I used to like gardening, but don't anymore. Well, I'll get into the mood. It's just been very hot here.

Also, I haven't posted this anywhere, but I sprained my right ankle. It's a bad one. Had x-rays taken Friday and
am going to the podiatrist today.

It's actually feeling better and the swelling is going down, but I haven't been able to bend my foot in the way that I need to for gardening or low area cleaning.

So, I'm just reading and watching movies and dusting and sorting threw papers.

I do hope that your trip to Tennessee will be fun. Hope the weather will treat you kindly, as well!

Love,
Emily

Emily, it's so good to hear your voice - WE'RE not tired of hearing about you! I know that feeling of "time looming large". Last June/July, I was going through severe anxiety and often couldn't even step outside my front door to get the mail, so the time was long. If it hadn't been for BWS, I don't know what I would have done.

Unfortunately/fortunately (one of those paradoxes of life), my brother's cancer diagnosis in August forced me out of myself and I spent the rest of the summer (and the next 8 months) looking after him. Though the circumstances were tragic, the situation DID heal me of those panic attacks and took me back out into the "real" world.

Now that he's gone, I no longer have those panic attacks, but still sometimes find it difficult to fill in the long hours. I try to schedule one fun/useful outing a week for myself. It might be as simple as shopping for birthday cards for all of the birthdays over the next 2-3 months, taking the bus downtown and roaming around the market for the morning (and coming home with some yummy fresh veggies & fruits), walking over to the dollar store to pick up some fun stuff to do with my granddaughter, going to the bookstore with the intent to JUST BROWSE through the shelves for an hour or so...it does take a bit of creative ingenuity to come up with new ideas, but that can actually be on your "to do" list for one day, to take time to brainstorm things you can do throughout the summer. They don't have to be big things, just activities that take you out of the house for a morning or afternoon.

We could all help with that brainstorming here - maybe we could start a new thread specifically to brainstorm "things to do when there's nothing to do". You'll know which ideas click and which ones don't - and they might inspire others who are in the same situation!

Emily, I hope you feel free to come HERE and spend some of your summer here - that's what I did last year, and it was time well spent. Being here helped me to heal, and helped me to find the inner resources I needed in order to get outside my front door. Being here also helped me to stay strong during my long journey with my brother. This is a GOOD PLACE to hang out...

Wait a minute - is "threw" the correct spelling for tossing something out? LOL Lost my dictionary. I know it's here, somewhere.

Emily in Maryland

I hope no one thinks I'm a whiner. I seem to be making progress one day and sliding back another.

I'm seeing two therapists at the same time. This is not good. It happened when the old first one said he was changing jobs. I'll have to make a decision about this by tomorrow.

A friend said that if I had a Passion for something ie: a hobby of sorts, that I would be able to balance my life and also get my mind off of me.

It occurred to me that I did have hobbies throughout my life and now, I don't. I have so many plastic containers filled with yarns. I have lots and I mean lots of scrapbook stuff. I used to love to scrap. Does anyone know if this lack of interest is associated with my challenge? Should I force myself to start a project or finish an old one?

Thanks, in advance, for any help you can offer.

Emily

Emjay
Louise Hay.(hope you have heard of her) would say the ankle is significant.
As for hobbies...they need energy and you are coping with other things.
For some hobbies make a diversion whereas you are working hard on getting well.Everyone copes in an individual way.
Sometimes I buzz around so busily..Husband says I am bunble bee then.Other times I read rest and gather my thoughts.
Keep well my dear.
Mountain ash

Oh Mountain Ash,

Thank you, so much, for corresponding with me, today. Yep, I have a Louise Hay book. It's old and yellowed, but I have it.

I'm understanding what you're saying about the foot is enough. It's not hurting as much as it did -- until I walk. So, I see the Dr. this coming Thursday.

I'm still stuck between two counselors. One, Christy is nice, but won't call me back when I'm having a panic attack. A one minute phone call will do. Bruce is making time for me and some other patients. Sees us on Tuesday evenings and Saturday afternoons.
Now I have two counselors. Christy is good with my religion problems, but Bruce has been working with me for years. I lied (not happy about this) re: my ability to get to my session with Christy. My Dr. wants me to stick with a cognitive therapist and I don't even know if she has a degee. On her card, it reads M.S. LCPC and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. What does that mean? Anyone want to take a guess?

Thank you,
Emily

Looks like she has a Masters in Social Work and is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor.

Emy, have you considered group therapy? It might be a neat way for you to meet some women who are going through similar emotional times. Knowing we aren't alone is often a big part of feeling better.

Dotsie,

Yes, I'm searching for a group. I'll be better when I get back to work. Actually, I go back in two weeks to sub. Then, John will be off for a week. Then it's back to work.
So, I don't know why I'm banging on myself so badly.

My new meds have me mellowed out. I wrote to Vicki about that today.

For today, at least, I just feel okay about doing a bit of housework, reading a bit, taking a nap.

I work during the school year. I'm on vacation now. But for some reason, I feel like I have to be doing something productive all day. I'm making myself upset. My husband doesn't see anything wrong with just "chilling."

I talked to Dr. Spear (my medicine man) about Christie's credentials. He says he doesn't know what they stand for.
I've tried to search the web, but couldn't solve the mystery.

I know that the acronym following the name of a licensed clinical social worker is: LCSW.

I believe if they have a masters, that it's: MA LCSW.

Thanks to all who are helping me. Really.

Emily

In UK we need accreditation to be counsellors.My credit is from a university.
There should be a register where anyone in practice can be looked up.

Caring others can facilitate anyone and should not be underestimated.

Also consider asking the counsellor.

One thing I would like to ask you...is the way you feel a new issue or do you recall patterns?

We all have patterns..me...when I'm tired I function less well.Seeing this and doing something about it took a time to register.
Take care
Mountain ash

Mountain Ash,

I really want to see both counselors at the same time. However, I know this is not usually done.

Dr. Speer is advising me to stay with Bruce. I'm still on the fence, though.

I like Christie, but she will not call patients when they have anxiety attacks. Bruce always answers. It may take a few minutes for him to call me back, and my conversations with him usually last only three minutes. But, after just that short time, I am usually very much relieved.

Just knowing that I can call him has stopped many a panic or anxiety attack.

I think I've just answered my own question about who to work with.

Thank you for helping me Mountain!

Blessings,
Emily

People DO answer their own dilemas.
Well done.
Mountain

Emyjay,
I don't know if anyone has suggested to you to keep a journal.
I don't know what you have been through in your life, but if there were experiences in your childhood that were traumatic for you, they can have such a huge impact in your adult life.
I know there are chemical imbalances in the brain that cause depression, as I have a sister who suffers terribly with depression and is on meds which have helped her. However, when we were children, our father walked out on us, my family was split up, (there are 9 children), it was too much for my mother. She had suffered a complete breakdown and as I found out later had tried to commit suicide, thank the Lord, unsuccessfully. We were all placed in different foster homes, some in group homes that were anything but pleasant. It turns out that all of us girls had been molested by a family member. One of my sisters had been raped, (I never knew this until years later)we had all suffered emotional abuse, some physical abuse. You can imagine the issues we deal with as adults.
I can tell you, if it weren't for a lot of prayer and a lot of faith in God, I don't think I'd be sitting here today.

I tell you all this because keeping journal is very therapeutic. Also, if there are family members you can talk to. A few years ago, one of my sisters called me after not seeing or hear from her from years. She wanted to try to get as many of us together as possible for a reunion. We knew it would be difficult, but we felt it was time. Not everyone came, but it was such a great weekend. We talked and talked and talked, it was the best therapy ever. There were so many things that each of us as been through that others had not known that explains so much of our behavior today. There were also so many quirks and habits we all have that we laughed, because in spite of growing up apart from each other, there are still so many things we do alike, mannerisms, habits, etc. There was a brother there that I hadn't seen in 20 years, the last time I had seen him I was extremely angry with him. We immediately said it was ridiculous to hold a grudge for so many years. Most of what had happened was due to immaturity, lack of direction, just the result of our childhood. Past was past and it was time to start over. It was a healing weekend. When I saw my mom, I just cried and cried, she hugged me and we both said at the same time, "It's okay." Two simple little word, but knowing what it meant. I completely understood that she had done everything she could to try to keep the family together, things I would learn of later. Let's just say the judicial system at the time was seriously lacking in compassion. Emyjay, I know I have rambled, but I said all this to give you some things to think about. I know what you are going through is so difficult, but you can come out the other side!

One other thing that helps me....Gardening. I love to garden and work in the yard. It's very relaxing to me.
Seeing the results of your efforts, pretty flowers and trees to look at, I have a butterfly garden, I highly recommend that. Getting outdoors is one of the best therapies I know of. We used to camp alot, get back to nature, there's something spiritual about it. I feel a stronger connection to God when I get out and enjoy mother nature.

Good Luck to you Emyjay and I hope this helps!
Gerrbeck

Gerrbeck, thanks for your helpful, thoughtful post to Emy. We never know how our words will touch another so you are kind to put them out there just in case something clicks for her.

One more thing, I had to go get my bible...
I really like this verse, it was originally in a bible study for Sunday school when I was 10 or 11, I still have the page tucked away in my wallet.

For you would forget your trouble,
As waters that have passed by, you would remember it.
And your life would be brighter than the noonday;
Darkness would be like morning.
Then you would trust, because there is hope;
And you would look around and rest securely.
You would lie down and none would disturb you.
And many would entreat your favor.

-Job 11:16-19
Gerrbeck

Gerrbeck,

I keep trying to answer your questions, but also keep "timing out."

So, I'm just going to "list" my answers.

Mother very emotionally abusive toward me - father confirmed this to psyciatrists. Think they had to get married.

Was raised in a not good fundamentalist church. Sometimes, Mother would say, "Gods going to punish you" if I didn't do what she said. But then, she would act out a great deal and cussed like a sailor.

Major tragic events during my teens. Car accident claimed favorite aunt and uncle. Paternal grandfather commits suicide after death of my grandmother. Uncle and aunt die in a fire. Favorite uncle dies of cancer. All of the above within two years.

I marry my childhood sweetheart. Have to, but then have a miscarriage. I immediately try to get pregnant again. Didn't know husband had been cheating on me the whole time we had been married. After getting pregnant, find out about him. Move back home. Have baby early. Jonathan is born with a bilateral cleft of lip and palate. Husband has let insurance lapse -- did not know this until four days after birth.

Will continue on next post. Might time out if I continue
Emily

Meet my current husband. John steps in and is my rock. Walks Jonathan up and down hospital corridors before and after surgeries. Takes approximately seven surgeries the first time around. Then a whole new string of revision surgeries during his teens.

Since I have no insurance, I have to get medical assistance. In Maryland, you can't get medical assistance for a child, untless you are on welfare and food stamps. I do what I have to do for my child. This eats me alive. I am willing and capable. I beg them to let me work between surgeries. Not an option. So, I am home, pretty much alone during the days, for years.

There is more, but I don't want to continue writing about anymore negatives in my life. Yep, I have journaled all of the above and more.

Chemical imbalance: Grandfather and father have psychological problems. (My mother obviously did, but no one did anything about this at the time she acted out against me.) Father eventually diagnosed as bi-polar.

My current psychiatrist is a research scientist at NIMH.

Will continue on next post, you know why.

Emily

That's the National Institute of Mental Health. He is great. I mean the best of the best.

Dr. Spear has only met with me twice. I'll see him again in about two weeks. But he calls me once or twice a week to see how I am. Never charges me for the calls!

He is really working hard to find the right combination of meds to help me feel better for longer periods of time. He is a neurologist, psychopharmacologist and endrogonologst.

He meets with John and I and is completely convinced that there is a chemical imbalance issue. He asks me questions, listens, then starts penciling equations. Mathematical, I mean. Amazing.

Anyway, that's where I am now. Great doctor, good job, but I don't like to be home by myself??? I get very anxious???

Working on the above with my old therapist. Stopped with the new one for the summer, at least. Two therapists was not working.

So glad I found this site. But don't want to take time complaining.

Working on religious issues. Was working "too" hard. Have been told this is not unusual for people in their late fifties. (Facing lots of losses and changes at this stage of life.)

Hope you're following me. Speed writing and typing here.
Lol

Emily (to be continued)

Actually, looking back on my life, I guess I have to say that I truly am a survivor.

But, I know that others have been through much more than I have. Or less, but have still been impacted by tradgedies.

Sorry I had to post the way I have. I do not know why I keep timing out.

Anyway, I do truly thank everyone who has taken their time to answer my posts.

I'm doing pretty good right now. But I'm trying to accept the fact that I will be going through these downs, but will come out. So, I've made myself a stack of 3 x 5 cards with words of wisdom and verses. I keep them handy, in case I need a boost. Many of these words of hope and assurance have been taken from boomer posts!

Hopefully, some of what I've written in this forum will help others. It's harder to go through depression when you think you're the only one with this challenge. I do hope
my posts will give support to those new to this.

Love,
Emily

Gerrbeck,

I loved that verse from Job. (Reaching for a blank 3x5.)

Interesting, I was in Job's Daughters, the young ladies division of the Masons. I'm a past honored queen. Means I worked hard and gave lots of speechs. It was a lot of pressure on me, but this is one choice my mother made for me that was good. I am comfortable speaking in front of groups of people. (I just can't be alone?????)

No question, my years in Job's Daughters still serves me well, when I'm questioning and feel like I can't find answers.

Love,
Emily

Emyjay,
You really have see a lot of tragedy. More than one person should have to deal with. You truly are a survivor though.
I guess we all are in some way, because I don't think there's a person on the planet who doesn't have issues, skeletons in their closet, tragedies, etc. Some of us cope better than others, but we all find some way to cope with the pain and hopefully eventually overcome. This forum is definitely a wonderful place for all of us. It's great to have a place to share what we are going through, good and bad. You know, you can almost always find someone who has had it just as bad if not worse than you. A radio DJ here always signs off here by saying, "And remember, now matter how bad it is, it ain't that bad." I myself just in the last few days have been dealt another hard blow and having to deal with something I'd rather not, but I'll find a way.
More on all that later, don't want to get into it right now.
Spend some time outside today if you can and breathe, appreciated nature and feel closer to God.
God Bless,
Gerri

Just got home from the orthopeadic man. It seems that my decision that my foot was healed and that I could get out and about wasn't correct. Especially spending the Fourth at the beach cottage. (It's within four blocks of the Cheaspeake Bay, belongs to my mother-in-law but will be inhereted by us when the inevitable happens.) Anyway, my mother-in-law really enjoys Breezy Point during the Fourth. Parade, games and food on the beach, family around. I take this opportunity to entertain my extended family. Our house is small and I just can't fit everyone in during other times of the year.

So, off I went, walking on sand, decorating, etc.

Apparently, this was the worst thing I could of done -walking in the sand - and the ortho man says I've put myself back about three weeks. So, now I'm in some kind of lace up boot thing for the next four weeks.

Oh well, I'm more adjusted to staying home alone. Plus, I have a stack of books that I'm really interested in. I'm loving Eat, Pray, Love. I know I'm a little late, but I like the book.

Can't go out today. It's one hundred here. But I will go out tonight and sit by our pond. I guess I can sit there all night if I want to, because I'm not going anywhere. Well, I could make it to the movies and a restaurant.
And I could scrapbook. So basically, I'm lucky and can do anything I want -- except walk in the sand or walk too much, period.

I'm sorry to hear about your hard blow. If you want to talk to me about it, please don't hesitate to e-mail me. Really.

I've had over twenty years of therapy -- off and on. Groups and one on one. I've had "on the job training."
I wouldn't mine if you shared your challenge with me.

Love,
Emily

Gerrbeck,

How are you coping with your "hard blow?"

Are you okay?

Emily in Maryland

Emyjay,

You sound sooooo much better...I've loved seeing you in all the different threads and getting to know you better. Keep it up! Hope your foot heals quickly.

Gerrbeck,

We're here for you as well! Let us know if there is anything we can do for you.

Jane,

Yep, I am feeling better! And so is my foot. But it won't be completely healed until October, says my current Dr.

I'm going to get a second opinion. This Dr. says he "should" have put me in a cast, unstead of a boot type brace that I'm currently wearing.

He also says I need another x-ray, but hasn't done it.

Anyway, I'm feeling so much better, thinking is clear,
laughing again.

Gerrbeck,
As Jane said, we're here for you.

Make it a good day,

Emily

Emily, that's so great that you're feeling better and laughing again. Sorry to hear that your foot still hasn't healed properly. I hope the doctors get it all figured out.

Emjay
I detect you feel you cannot tell us everything.I for one think a trouble shared is a trouble halved and hope you will share if you want to.
You HAVE come through a lot and do be proud of yourself.
Love Mountain ash

I proud of how well you are doing in spite of the new soft cast. When you get this behind you, I want to meet at Phillip's. Are you up for that?

Oh, yes, Dotsie, I would like to meet you at Phillips. I think this soft cast ( I look like big foot ) will be on for the next five weeks. But we'll meet. Christmas time would be fun. I bet the lights around the Harbor are magical! I'm saying Christmas because the fall is so busy at work. New children coming in and trying to adjust - bus drivers trying to learn which children go where. Moving the staff around until we have all sites covered according to state law.

Mountain Ash, you are correct. I'm still bothered about something, but am working on it and have help. Actually, I woke up today in the middle of a bad panic attack.

But, when I get on these boards, my attention is diverted. It rests my mind. I'm doing better, honestly. Just experiencing what my therapists calls "setbacks." It's okay. Thank you for your concern. You are very perceptive!

Going to read today away!

Love,
Emily

Emjay
Let me reassure you that many people have "panic" thoughts.
I myself have dreams where the situations I see are in tandem with day time worries.
recently while in hospital (aided no doubt by the morphine i even was saying NO to someone in the dream.
I view these dreams as gifts and like a good book direct me to another way of thinking.
In TA counselling the subject keeps a dream diary and in calm moments work is done by processing.
I do not tell all to everyone but have listening ears who do just that.
I really feel you are doing so well and enjoy hearing from you on the forum.
Take care
Mountain ash

Mountain Ash,

Thank you for responding so quickly. I had to take some meds to calm down. I no longer feel weak when I have to do this; I'm just so thankful that they calm me so that I can participate in life and help others.

Eagle, in her book, talks about the ripples in a pond reaching out to others. That's what I mean. As Eagle says, and I'm not quoting directly, these ripples touch others.

When I am awake, most of the time, I can "talk back" to escalating anxiety and stop panic attacks by countering my thoughts with positive affirmations. But I can't do this when I'm sleeping.

What's TA counselling?

Hope you have a wonderful Sunday!

Emily

Emjay
TA is one modality of counselling.
......................................

Transactional Analysis (TA) is rooted in psychoanalysis using the personality elements of Parent, Child, Adult, and Script to define personality.

In part these elements are interchangeable with the psychoanalysis identifications of id, ego, and superego.

This form of identification has made Transactional Analysis much more accessible and understandable. Eric Burne was at the forefront in the creation and definition of this form of psychotherapy.

Transactional Analysis works on the understanding that much of our troubles lie within our scripts. Scripting starts in childhood as a survival strategy and continues throughout our development into adults.
Mountain ash

P.S
Eric Berne...sorry for error.

Opps.

Was going to exchange some ideas about TA (I've read berne). It makes sense to me. Very much so.

Thunder and lightning outside right now.

Have to get off in a hurry. Don't want a melt-down here in Maryland.

Love,
Emily