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#133148 - 01/20/08 11:33 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Mountain Ash]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Travel, in and of itself, can be cathartic. Kate, you'll be so busy having fun that most of the time you won't even think about your mother. Don't deny yourself this trip because you know your mother will be impossible when you get back -- if you deny yourself something that means so much to you, then she's already won and will forever strangle you.

Remove the noose. And find someone else to care for your dog, so you don't have to tell your mother you're going until after it's fait accompli.
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#133149 - 01/20/08 11:46 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Mountain Ash]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I'm going to do some thinking about when to make the trip.
My Mom called me today for another reason but brought up my trip. She said she had called a person in Denmark to tell them about my Dad's passing. She said they asked her when she was going to come over for a visit. I find that hard to believe as she has never visited these particular people before. Sometimes she plays games with me (her way of communicating without really coming out and saying what she means). Anyway she said she may go over in the summer and she told me they said April (when I had planned to go) was the nicest time of year to visit.

My parents went over every year for years so she knows what the weather is like. Just wondering, how would you take this. Is this her way of saying that she knows I want to go on my own. Or was she waiting for me to say something because she wants to go when I go.

I said I don't know when I am going now as I don't even have my passport yet and that takes months. There are big line ups due to the new laws with travelling to the US.

I just wondered (even though you don't know my mother) where she may be coming from with this. I am unsure.
Unfortunatly there is a communication problem between my Mom and myself. She often beats around the bush leaving me guessing about what she means. This is one of the reasons why I have a hard time communicating with her.

My Mom in a nutshell: If you agree with everything she says you are in her good books. If you disagree she can't handle it and gets really angry. She will refuse to talk about the subject and will leave the room, house etc. in a huff. Not the easiest person to talk to. My Dad and I would agree to disagree and laugh about it, my Mom can't handle it at all if you have a different opinion and she will refuse to talk to you further. Then she stops calling me and gives me the silent treatment, usually for a week or more. I always talk to her in a respectful way, never raise my voice, always try to get along with her. What I do if I can't handle her anger is to go really quiet or change the subject and then leave. Not the best but I can't get anywhere with her unless I do or say what she wants.

I am trying to take the high road with this situation.
Kate

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#133150 - 02/04/08 07:08 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Two months after my Dad's passing, my 81 year old mother is going on a date.
This guy has been interested in her for the past year. They go to the same seniors activity centre. He found out that she lost her husband so he asked her out for coffee the other day. She called me to tell me about it saying she wasn't sure if she should go. She usually plays games so this was her way of finding out what I would say.
I told her he is not asking for her hand in marriage, just coffee and maybe his intentions are just for companionship.

The loyal daughter to my Dad thinks one thing and my logical mind thinks another. The daughter mind thinks this is awful, how can she even think about going out with someone so soon after my Dad died.
The logical mind, or if I step outside the daughter role I see that she has been very lonely for a long time as my Dad was sick and tired of her nagging and basically wanted little to do with her.

What do others think about this? Can anyone relate? I know she wants to and I know she is interested even though she says she isn't as she started telling me stuff about him that obviously she found out from others.

Then there is the fact that she is sharing with me about a new man in her life, possibly, and I can't talk about my boyfreind because she doesn't approve of our relationship as his skin colour is too dark. I am not allowed to talk to her about him and she never wants to meet him.

Oh well, I will of course take the high road again. I am thinking ahead here about Christmas and stuff, how will I handle having to get used to my Mom with another man. The thought of it makes me uncomfortable.
Kate

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#133151 - 02/05/08 03:39 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hi Kate, wow, there's some kind of unfairness to drawing you into her dating agenda. What do you mean by you will "take the high road" again? Hey, it's only February, no need to worry about Christmas! xxoo

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#133152 - 02/05/08 07:09 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Princess Lenora]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
What I meant by the high road was not getting into it with her. Not being the same as her, basically telling her that I don't want to meet her boyfriend like she is doing to me.

I wouldn't treat her the same way she is treating me in other words.
Kate

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#133153 - 02/05/08 08:33 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Kate, that’s good if you can learn from your mother’s mistakes. So in a way she has taught you what not to do.

As for your mother going out for a coffee with a friend, I think that’s wonderful. She needs friends now, whether male or female, it doesn’t matter. Be glad that she isn’t just depending on you, but instead is looking out for herself. I would support it, and just be happy for her. Life is so short.

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#133154 - 02/05/08 12:51 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Edelweiss]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Kate, this is one area where I wouldn't go. If she can make new friends, either male or female, all the better. As you've said, your mom and dad never had much of a marriage, so she's ready to do something more. At her age, a new man may be good for the situation...who knows? My dad moved on very quickly also...and it's been the best thing for him.
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If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133155 - 02/05/08 04:38 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: ladyjane]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
She's 81. When I'm 81 I'm going to KNOW how short life is...

I agree, just listen and nod a lot. :-))
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Wise Woman Shining
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#133156 - 02/05/08 06:06 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Casey]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Yes life is short and after all she is 81, but I'm sure she will live until 100 or more. She is quite well preserved.

If this wasn't my mother I would say under the circumstances to go for coffee with a gentleman who asks you, if you want to that is.

But it is my mother and after only being a widow for 2 months it kind of bothers me, buy only out of loyalty for my Dad.

Their relationship was not a good one and if my Dad were in the same situation, he may do the same thing, who knows.

Judging is never a good thing.

I told my Mom to go out for coffee with him and didn't let her know how I felt. I do feel though that she should share this kind of thing with her friends not me. I'm still very much the grieving daughter.

After all, I still can't even go to their apartment. One minute your Dad goes, in a blink of an eye, and next your Mom is out there on the dating scene.

Kind of fast for me.
Kate

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#133158 - 02/28/08 04:35 AM Re:loss of my father has brought up some questions [Re: ]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Lately since my father died I have been thinking alot about where we go when we die. My biggest concern when my father passed was where he was going, will he be safe, happy etc. This must be so difficult for parents who lose young children as the need to protect is so strong when they are young.

Anyway, I was discussing an article with my Seventh Day Pastor brother. You may know something about their beliefs. In a nut shell they believe that when we die that's it. We are dead, cease to exist. We stay that way until Christ comes again to start a new world, then we are awoken. My brother told me that the spirit in us is God's breath and that when we die it leaves us. Just like a light bulb, when it goes out that's it. As a light bulb needs electricity, we need God's breath to keep us alive.

Then what is a soul, what is it's purpose? I always believed that we are a spirit in the form of a body, that our body is just a vehicle. I am struggling with this concept.

Now, I do not like my brother's version. It is not very comforting for me to think that my father no longer exists in any form. He says if my father could look down on me it would not be fair to him to watch me in moments where I grieve, am sad or suffering. He says God would not do this as it would be unfair. I have searched the bible for scripture talking about this topic and it appears that the bible does say we just go to sleep.

There is a story in the bible about Lazarus and how Jesus brings him back to life. He says he is going to wake him up, he doesn't say he is going to call him down from heaven. There is no comment from Lazarus as to where he came from. He does not say what heaven was like, where he was etc. I don't believe he says anything. This is a sign to me that if you believe the bible, you do not believe in an after life or Lazarus would have provided proof. He would have said what it was like, or would he?

It appears that most of you have a different opinion of what really happens when we die. Some believe in reincarnation, some don't. We personally and religiously have very different ideas of what happens when we die. Where do we get these ideas from?

I believe that we are not meant to know where we came from or where we are going. If we knew, maybe more people would commit suicide to escape this world, many others would live life to the fullest if they believed that this is it, that they only had one shot at it.

I believe that I have had a few experiences that are unexplainable, but they do tell me that there is a spirit world. My beliefs are being tested.

One thing that really stands out for me personally is that the earth is only one of hundreds or maybe thousands of planets. The universe goes on forever.
How can we think we are the only ones that exist? That there is nothing else. What are all of these planets for, why do they exist. How do we explain the fact that some people see ghosts?

Maybe it's because I don't want to believe the reasoning my brother believes. That is a possibility, but I have to trust my own instincts. I think we all do.
Kate

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