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#133031 - 11/28/07 05:05 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Kissimmee, Florida
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Kate, My heartfelt prayers and thoughts are with you today. I know this is a hard time for you. Nothing can replace our parents. I lost my dad in January of 1998 and my mother in January of 2000. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters but still feel like an orphan since they have died. I sometimes tell people that you will feel like your world has tilted on its axis and will never be the same. Time does help, but you never stop missing them. I agree with you for those that have their parents, please give them an extra hug and listen to them because they really are gone in an instant. It sounds like you have very sweet, charming memories to hold dear of your father. What an honor to spread his ashes on his parents grave. Good for you for holding a service to celebrate his life. It is important to do so, it makes you feel like you have given him the final honor of shring his life. If you ever need a friend to chat with when you are missing him or having a hard day please feel free to contact me. You can reach me here or at sandpipertwin@yahoo.com. God's Blessings on you dear one.
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#133033 - 11/28/07 05:42 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: Sandpiper]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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I'm so sorry for your loss. He was a great person for you.
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#133035 - 11/28/07 10:09 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: jladdon]
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Member
Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
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Dear Kate, I know how your Dad has been a strong supporting pillar in your life from your past posts. I don't think one is ever prepared enough for a loss of a parent. I send hugs your way, and hope you find comfort with friends and family. My prayers are with you. Hannelore
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#133036 - 11/28/07 11:03 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: Edelweiss]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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Dearest Kate, I was so sorry to see your sad news. I do hope you can feel the love and concern for you here. Yes, they can be gone in an instance. Thank you for the reminder. I pray that in time you will be surrounded with such warm memories that will hold you through the tough times. Please check in when you can. How nice to be able to take him to Denmark as that was his wishes. We're here for you. (((((((((Kate)))))))))
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133038 - 11/28/07 02:19 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: jawjaw]
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Queen of Shoes
Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
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Kate, I'm so terribly sorry. Please know that we're thinking of you and offering up prayers.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice. www.eadv.netBoomer Queen of Shoes
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#133039 - 11/28/07 02:44 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: Dianne]
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Registered: 10/14/07
Posts: 139
Loc: The wilds of Scotland, UK
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Kate, we don't know eachother but my heartfelt prayers go out for you today. With love.
_________________________
Strangers are just friends waiting to happen.
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#133040 - 11/28/07 03:14 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: Countrygirl]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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My heart aches with you Kate. It's such an excruciating loss. You are in my heart and prayers today and throughout the coming weeks. Be sure to come here and just "be" with us when you need some companionship along the way.
I like to think that your Dad (and my Dad & JJ's Dad and everyone else's Dads) are safe, happy and so much closer to us than we can imagine. He'll find ways to let you know that he's still with you...
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133043 - 11/28/07 07:41 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today
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Member
Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 3703
Loc: London UK
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Kate, I am so sorry to read of your Dad's demise. My sincerest condolences.
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#133047 - 11/28/07 11:52 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: Countrygirl]
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Member
Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
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Kate, Prayers and hugs for you. Casey
_________________________
Casey Dawes Wise Woman Shining Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.
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#133048 - 11/28/07 11:59 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: Countrygirl]
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Member
Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
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I am so sorry, katebcca. Thank you for reminding us to hug the ones we love!
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#133050 - 11/29/07 12:50 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Having just gone through this three times in less than eight years, I'll share my hard-learned experience. Dad was adament about not having a funeral, so we didn't...Mom couldn't handle it anyway, but we did compromise somewhat by having a wake at the funeral home. That ended up being a beautiful gathering, especially when hundreds of Dad's former students and colleagues as well as old friends from various places we had lived showed up to show their respects. Mom was flabbergasted by the crowd, and we realized afterward that we should have had a funeral.
When Mom died, she had just moved to Ottawa and didn't know anybody here and nobody here knew her. So again, we just had a small wake service at the funeral home, brought in pictures and stories. More people showed up than expected, and it was a lovely gathering.
But about a year later, I went through a phase where I really needed closure and wanted to do a joint memorial service for both of them. My brothers didn't want it, out of respect for both parents' wishes to not have anything formal. So I dropped the idea.
When Gary died, I knew I needed a funeral. I'm so glad we did. Again, hundreds of people came and it was a beautiful ceremony. Lots of Gary-stories had us laughing and crying. It was expensive (funerals usually are), but we were all very glad we did it. We had my church minister (an old friend of the family from way back) perform the ceremony at the funeral home. The going rate for his services was $250, which I thought was reasonable. We just counted it in as part of the cost of the funeral, most of which was covered anyway by my brother's workplace or insurance, I can't remember which....you might need to check into your Dad's finances to see if something in there is available to cover any funeral expenses - here in Canada, many people have insurance or workplace pensions that do cover some of those costs.
I heartily recommend that you go ahead with this funeral/service. We do need closure. It's not unusual that your Mom would be too numb to do anything - that's why people turn to funeral homes, they tend to look after everything.
Our service was very simple. The minister pretty much put it together and then just slotted in whatever we wanted to add - stories, eulogy, music, etc. Do what you feel would best honour your Dad's memory and celebrate his accomplishments and life. Pictures, stories, a favourite hymn or song (though most churches now limit the choice of what can be played during a religious ceremony).
I'm sure others will have ideas and suggestions as well. Good luck, Kate. It sounds like your minister will do a wonderful job - and with him taking control of the service and arrangements, I think his fee is worth it.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133051 - 11/29/07 12:52 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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Our dear Kate, I was a minister's wife for 25 years and saw loads of funerals, memorials...some were very different and creative. I think the most important thing is to make it personal. What I'm hearing you say is that this is a true celebration of his life and you want it to me very personalized. I've been to some funerals that were so dirgy and depressing....all they were basically was rituals and nothing more. We tried to get to know the family. When we'd do the contact with them we'd "open the floor" to hear their memories...all about the person's personality, their quirks, their humor. Everyone would laugh over funny incidents, etc. The the celebration of life would be sparked with a mixture of tenderness and humor...after all, it IS a celebration!! And what do we do when we celebrate? We honor, love, laugh and are full of thankfulness. One such service we had was just that. After some words and music, the floor was opened for memories to be shared. Most of them were humorous because we were honoring a very humorous person. It lightened things and made us all appreciate knowing that person in our lives. So ask yourself....what was his personality? What were his interests throughout his life? All those things will open the door to what you'd want as a part of his celebration of life. When my Mom died 2 years ago, the service ended with "Somewhere my Love (Lara's theme," as people rose to greet each other. It was her and my Dad's special song. Of course, I shed tears because it meant so much and the words finally made sense for Mom and Dad but it was very special and personal. I also spoke and then read a writing I had done about my Mom....that day I wore her white jacket, pearls and her shoes. There are no rules, Kate. This is a celebration of your Dad's life so honor who he was as a person.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133052 - 11/29/07 12:58 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: ladyjane]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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Eagle was writing at the same time as I was so I just saw her post. Yes, I want to emphasize that doing a remembrance is so important!! Personally, I don't understand why people make requests for no funeral or service of any kind. It is not really for them in some ways....it's for those we leave behind to remember and have closure. My brother requested had requested no service. But then he died suddenly at 52 and we were all in shock. We granted his wishes although I was angry about that. I saw it as selfish in some ways....sorry, but I did. So we had a graveside service and the outpouring of love from the multitude that gathered on that cold November morning soothed our hearts. I'm glad we at least did that. And also.....the time the family gathers and selects photos of the loved ones life is HUGE! It's healing for them and people just love to gather around picture boards before and after the service and reminisce.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133053 - 11/29/07 05:09 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: ladyjane]
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Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
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Kate reallie sorrie for you loss, keep strong, keep some faith and i whish you all the best. Hope you find some comphort out off Denmark and making the journey
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn
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#133056 - 12/04/07 12:01 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Kate, It DOES feel like it will never get better, but it does. Slowly, moment by moment, one foot in front of the other, you get through. One day at a time - sometimes only one moment at a time. That's probably all you can handle for awhile, so be okay with that, it's okay to move at your own pace.
Wondering where they are is such a haunting question. One day they're here, vibrant, breathing, filling our lives with their presence - the next day they're utterly gone, and the silence is deafening and excruciating. And the part about wanting them back? I don't think that ever goes away, though the yearning becomes easier to co-exist with.
There probably are no words or books or wisdoms that can bring sustaining comfort right now - the hurt is just too big now, and the wound too raw for anyone, including yourself, to touch.
But Kate, I hope it helps to know that you are surrounded by our care and prayers, our love and what little comfort our presence here can provide. Although it feels like it, you're not alone. And your Dad is closer than you can feel right now. Talk with him. Hold one of his shirts close to you and let him hug you through your tears and pain. And lean on God - if you're anything like me, you might be angry with Him - that's okay! But even in the midst of your anger, you can still lean on Him and find compassion and comfort there.
Our hearts are with you. It doesn't feel like it's possible right now, but you will get through this. The hole never goes away, but time and love will help you through.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133057 - 12/04/07 12:06 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: Eagle Heart]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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Eagle, you've said it all. You've been there in loss recently enough to convey those first hours and days. Kate, one day at a time and in your very own way. There is no right or wrong now. One foot in front of the other as Eagle said. Please feel our love surrounding you from this board, your friends. Let time pass. Do what you have to. And yes, talk to him.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133058 - 12/04/07 12:08 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: ladyjane]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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And Kate? Talk to us here. Feel free to cry and pour your heart out. You know we're here at all hours. That's the beauty of this forum.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133062 - 12/04/07 05:20 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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Kate, what a great idea. It will help with your motivation and busyness is sometimes the best thing when our emotions are all over the place. Good for you! What better way to honor your Dad at his favorite time of year.....by sharing your home with others who hurt! He will be proud.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133065 - 12/06/07 01:45 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 2830
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
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Kate,I am so sorry for your loss. I was away with comp problems and was just logged in a few minutes ago. I know the heartache of losing a Dad. Please receive a hug and a prayer from this sister. Your plan of inviting someone lonely is a great one. Please celebrate all the beauty of life and sharing.
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#133067 - 12/07/07 06:46 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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Hope you do get the painting as a valued memory memento of your father, Kate.
Has your daughter seen this painting that you wish to have? If she hasn't, bring her along to view the painting one more time.
You know your mother, ...sounds similar to mine, in some respects. I share your sighs of sheer frustration...
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#133069 - 12/07/07 01:14 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem
[Re: Edelweiss]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Is there any chance that your brother would accept the painting on your behalf and then "regift" it to you?
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133071 - 12/07/07 05:58 PM
Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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She sounds like one of those people who always needs to have a scapegoat. Very difficult to deal with if you happen to be the scapegoat-de-jour. Especially during sad times like this. I'm praying that she'll have a moment of compassion and see that the painting rightfully belongs with you.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133077 - 12/09/07 02:16 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem
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Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 1341
Loc: Sweden
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Kate, I don´t know you either..but you are a fellow boomer woman and a fellow human being..and I just want tell you that I am so sorry for your loss..but very very happy for you that you had/have such a wonderful father all these years..and that you can carry his love and strength and wisdom with you always...
lots of hugs!
_________________________
"some sacred place.."
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#133078 - 12/09/07 06:49 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem
[Re: humlan]
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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Your right, memories are best to hold on too. We talked about it tonight, she brought it up and here is the problem. My Mom is upset with me because she thinks I like my Dad better, plain and simple. I don't like him better, just got along with him better.
She is angry with me because she has made me many needle point pictures and I don't hang them in my house. Well I hang two of them even though they are not my taste. I've put away the others for my kids. She thinks I should hang all of them in my home. I like modern and abstract type paintings, her pictures are in my opinion arts and craft type pictures. It's not like she drew the pictures or painted them, she copied a pattern. I appreciate all the hard work but have told her not to make me anymore. How many can I hang up anyway. She wants my entire house to be full of her arts and crafts and it's not just pictures. It's knick knacks everything she makes.
So, the jealousy comes into it once again, I don't like her pictures, so I am not getting my Dads picture. That is how she thinks and I'm letting it go. My Mom told me she doesn't care about my Dad's things and has no attachment to them.
She accused me of wanting the only painting that is worth anything which is so not true. She doesn't even know if it is worth anything. I give up really and am just letting it go. It's just not worth it.
My kids are doing ok, thanks. I'm not doing too good but it has only been just over a week. I'm getting out and not isolating myself, I'm just really sad and wake up crying some nights. I have dreams where I am crying in my dreams and I wake myself up.
My biggest concern is that I wonder where my Dad is. In these later years our roles reversed and I became the parent, so I worry about him like a parent would worry about their child. I also miss him.
I will never, ever please my mother and never could. I have no idea why I let her get to me so much. She can make me so angry. I thought I let go of all the anger from my childhood. She was a very jealous, critical mother and put me down. Maybe it's time to do some work in this area. Kate
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#133079 - 12/09/07 07:06 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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I had a similar problem with my mother who used to get hurt and furious when I would refuse large food care packages from her. Then I clued in ..that food and cooking were signals of love from her to her children. It was a tangible thing that signalled the time and care she spent washing, cutting and packaging up veggies..for us to save time and prepare food. She also would give in food care pkgs., cut, frozen meat for us. I used to trudge home onto subway with loads of food. Rejection of her food really was like rejecting her love. The connection is very strong.
And my mother and father do not hug their children naturally. It's not part of their style of family or in their past. So other gestures, actions become very powerful symbols of giving and love in our family.
It bothered me because i earned a good salary and didn't need any parent to this for me. So instead I started to ask my mother for certain foods that clearly I knew she loved to make for us AND I didnt' know how/just didn't make myself. So homemade sticky rice bundles wrapped in bamboo leaves and tied with string, etc.
Is there something, kate that your mother does for you, that you truly enjoy from her? There must be....she loves you. I find it hard to believe there is nothing. Maybe it's something she used to do for you regularily but no longer does.
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#133081 - 12/10/07 04:23 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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Can see why you want distance from your mother for awhile. She does sound quite difficult to deal with as a person.
I hope for better days between you and her one day.
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#133082 - 12/10/07 04:39 AM
Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem
[Re: orchid]
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Member
Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
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kb, are you sure you haven't been reading my diary?
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#133086 - 12/10/07 05:17 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: jabber]
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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Thank you Jaw Jaw. I have been told more than once that I have the patience of Job.
I learned through counselling, and I've been to many courses, that every negative thought or action comes back to you. That not forgiving only hurts you. This is so true. I remember when I first left my abusive cheating ex husband I was so angry but the anger I had did not affect him at all, only me. So, I forgave him and my life has been so much better for it. I have to be clear that I forgave him, I did not forget because we need to protect ourselves from further abuse.
I have a pleasant relationship with him now for the sake of my kids, but my guard will always be up when it comes to him.
This goes for my Mom too. I forgive her but don't forget as I have to keep my boundaries with her in order to protect my spirit (soul)
Some people think by forgiving that we are saying the abuse or whatever is ok. I disagree, forgiving just means you've let go of the hurt and pain and by doing so find inner peace. I acknowledge that the person is who they are and are on their own journey. They will have to deal with their behaviour in their own way.
As for my Mom. She has to deal with herself and I know that she is not a happy person inside. Instead of anger I am trying to be accepting of her letting her deal with her own issues or not if she chooses not to.
Bonnierose, that is very true about father's and daughter bonds. I now have pictures all over my house too and believe that my Dad is with me, I just can't see him at the moment. As in part of this poem, "Death is nothing at all I have only slipped away into the next room"
Kate
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#133090 - 12/17/07 06:02 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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Chatty, My dog is a mix between a Chinese Hairless (there are two types one has hair one does not) My dogs mother had no hair, accept on her feet, ears and tail. The Dad was a Maltese. She is a wonderful little dog and is quite and sweet. But, she doesn't care for dogs, as she prefers cats. I have three. Her hair gets really long. I had just cut it all off before this photo. She looks cute here, like a little lamb but when her hair is long she looks like some kind of hairy beast especially when she bares her teeth, only when a dog has the nerve to sniff her.The Chinese Hairless can have a mean streak. I have always had large dogs with even temperments so she was a challenge when out in the park with other dogs. I have to explain to the other dog owners about her personality. Very embarassing and the other dogs in the park just want to say hi to her, she just growls. She is my little girl though, spoiled, sleeps in my bed and loves blankets so she has one on the couch, on the bed etc. Can you tell my children are teenagers now and I feel the need to nurture:-)The dog is now my baby. My kids tell me I am going to be one of those weird old ladies that has 50 cats and dogs. They are probably right. I feed all the ferral cats, find homes for the ones I can catch, feed the racoons (I have four that come to my house everynight and practically knock on the door), the squirrels etc. I just love animals. Kate
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#133092 - 12/18/07 12:34 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: ]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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I just have to add this story. In the 90's in my husband's "other life" he had a raccoon from the time it was a baby. It lived in his garage...he had an upstairs band room (for his band at the time) and the raccoon had many comforts there. Then he went in the house. He talks now about how the raccoon would get into the silverware drawer at night and all the noise he'd make! He lived in a rural setting so the raccoon could be free and learn how to live in the wild but always came home daily. After a while, the raccoon started staying away for longer periods and my husband would catch sight of him now and then. I guess he felt the call of the wild and moved on for a mate, etc. But the stories and photos are hilarious!!
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133094 - 12/18/07 05:35 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: ]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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Anne, I can try. His "other life" photos have been gone through and I don't know what/how much he has saved in the process, but I'll ask.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133100 - 01/08/08 11:53 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Kate, I've been thinking about you a lot and wondering how you're doing. This is a really tough stretch, these first few months. In my opinion and experience, it gets tougher before it gets better, because the longer we go without seeing our loved one, the more real it becomes that this is forever.
That hole will never go away - and that's okay. Time does heal our ability to co-exist with it, and to feel more joy than tears.
Crying is normal, sadness is normal, grief is normal - and there is no "perfect" timeline - some people say 2 years, some take 5 years but I think it starts to get easier after you've gone through all of the "firsts".
I don't think it's unusual for to go for counselling to help you get through the sadness. After Mom died (Dad had died two years prior) in 2001, I worked myself into a total physical burnout trying not to deal with the grief - then spiralled into a full-blown depression. So when my brother died this past year, I didn't hesitate - I went back into therapy almost immediately because I knew that I wouldn't do as well going through the grief alone. It was a good decision for me, my therapist was wonderful and helped a lot.
For me, though, it was my sisters right here at BWS who most helped me through the roughest dark patches. We're here for you, so many of us have been through this and know the agony of absence.
Others will have insight and wisdom as well. I say that if you feel the need to talk with someone, don't hesitate. Your minister, a therapist, your doctor - find someone, don't go through it all alone.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133102 - 01/09/08 12:46 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: ]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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I agree. Grief takes a lot of our strength. I sometimes wonder if there's always something that we still grieve over, no matter how much. Grief in losing someone does come in waves. Those waves just get farther apart with time but I also agree on the 2-5 year thing. I also agree that sometimes a safe place like a good counselor's office, help us process that grief. My brother's death hit me like no other. It was 3 months after the fact when I sought counselor and she assured me that I was "right on time" at 3 months. Things were too quiet and I needed an outlet because I thought I was going crazy. Now, like I've said before, I can smile and talk about his life and the "sting of grief" is very much reduced.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133104 - 01/09/08 03:17 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: Edelweiss]
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Da Queen
Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
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Grief is as much a part of living as joy. When my Daddy died, I went into some sort of frozen state. I did not cry immensely like my sisters and Mom. I was frozen in time. I knew once I let go and grieved, I was admitting he was truly gone and in my brain, I felt I would somehow loose the connection. Does that make sense?
However, during this time, it was extremely painful to be around other members of my family, especially Mom. I could hardly walk through her house because of the pictures surrounding me of Daddy. He was my best friend.
One day I was visiting Mom, about a month or so after his death. She casually mentioned something about him, and then said, "Oh, I meant to tell you, your sister Amy sent you this picture for you to keep." She walked over to me and handed me the picture. I took one look and I crumbled. I cried, and cried, and cried. Mother became worried because I could not stop. I don't know how long this went on...but probably about 20 or so minutes. Deep, wailing...deep suffering I had bottled up, and longing to see my Daddy, just one more time.
I finally stopped and when I did, Mom said she just didn't realize how much I held inside. She knew I was prone to do this, but she explained how healing it can be to own your grief and just it it be what it is. Work through it, show it, live it, whatever it takes because only then can you honor the life of those that have left.
I felt so much better afterwards and understood what she was telling me and in such a loving way.
You are so normal, friend of mine. Please honor that grief and the life of your sweet Dad. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to miss him, by all means, shout it to the Universe. Whatever it takes to help you work through this.
I STILL have my moments. But I love the fact that I finally realized he is here with me, and Mom, and my sisters. They never leave. Not really. Beautiful, isn't it? Just knowing this.
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#133105 - 01/09/08 06:20 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: jawjaw]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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It took me a very long time after my Dad died to be able to look at a picture of him without breaking down. I had a beautiful portrait of Dad and Mom hanging in the living room. It took me a long time to realize that the reason I hated sitting in a certain chair in that room was because it forced me to look at that picture and feel the pain. It was even worse after Mom died, so we took it down and hung it in our family gallery going down the stairs.
Now I love to look at pictures of them, though it's still painful to look at any of Gary. But that's okay, I know it'll come with time. Whenever I pass any of them in the gallery, I blow them a little kiss and ask them to keep watching over us all.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133106 - 01/09/08 07:27 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: Eagle Heart]
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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Thank you everyone. My father and I had a incredible relationship, very close. We laughed all the time and just had a wonderful connection. He was my best freind and that is why I feel such loss. We could talk about anything. When I was younger our relationship was sometimes strained especially in the teen years. But,in the last 18 years we have become very close.
Since my divorce. He has been the man in my life. He was there for me big time helping me through it. We started meeting for coffee every Friday over 10 years ago and did that until he passed away.
Jaw Jaw what you said really hit home. I am not frozen though and have periods of crying that last for a long time. But, I can't go to their apartment. I just can't. My Mom is unhappy about this as I can't visit her. I went twice at her request in the past month and it upsets me too much. She is grieving in a much different way. For her it is a relief as their relationship was very toxic. Mainly because she had deep resentments and would not let go of the past. She nagged my Dad constantly as she had unresolved anger issues with him. Instead of going and getting help with her issues, she chose to make my Dad pay so to speak. She mentioned the other day how she is finally getting a good nights sleep. That he always kept her awake. He had his leg amputated five years ago and does have to get up in the night.
I can understand her situation looking at it from the outside, but when she says stuff like that I just want to scream at her. I am trying to accept her way of grieving. My Dad had a go with the flow attitude, my Mom tends to be bitter and gets stressed out really quickly. I had a wonderful loving relationship with my Dad, she did not. I find this quite sad but only they know what went on in their marriage and it is not for me to know.
Also she has been through this many times. With her parents, a couple of her brothers (in the war) and other close people in her life. This is my first experience with losing a loved one in my adult life (lost my grandparents as a teen) This is also the most devastating experience for me. I love my Mom but she is a prickly person. She holds on to the past and then brings it up constantly. My Dad was a real calm person and easy to talk to. If we disagreed with each other we would laugh about it and agree to disagree. My Mom gets all huffy if you disagree with her because she always has to be right.
My brother who is a pastor, sent me a pamphlet on losing a loved one and it was very good. The only part I can't get through at this point is it says you have to say good bye. I can't do that, just can't. For me my Dad is still alive. I can't accept that he is gone. I know that is why I can't go to their apartment. It makes it real and I don't want it to be real. In my mind I know that he is gone, but I don't want to accept it at this point.
I have some work to do. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know that in time it will get easier. I was starting to think that there is something wrong with me but it really only has been a little over a month. I need to be patient. Kate
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#133107 - 01/09/08 07:38 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: katebcca]
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Da Queen
Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
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I totally "get" about you not being able to say good-bye. Crying and grieving was the final good-bye in my eyes and I couldn't take that step. It meant I accepted in my heart and soul AND in my brain, (logically) that he was gone. I couldn't take that step. But eventually, I did. I too thought there was something wrong with ME because everyone else was grieving openingly, and I wasn't...the daughter who was closest to him in many ways, wasn't crying. I felt like in a way I was betraying his death by not mourning.
In reality, I was holding on to him the only way I knew how to do it. Subconsciously.
IT IS ALL OKAY. Whatever you do, however you do it. It is all okay. When my 98-year old grandmother died, one of my sisters said to me as I cried, "Try to cry silently." I told her point blank....Don't EVER tell me how to grieve. She never has since then.
There are no standards for grieving. Only your hearts.
And you make my heart sing when I read about your understanding and compassion for your Mother. She has her own life to live, make amends for and to, and things day in and day out she has to deal with. We cannot judge her any more than we would a total stranger who was married to a man and he died. We weren't there, didn't live it, so how could we know?
Your feelings toward her are so genuine and heartFULL. I love that. You are a very wise woman.
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#133108 - 01/09/08 07:50 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: jawjaw]
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Member
Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
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Katebecca could you say "Bye... for now" I agree with everyone here.We all grieve but do so differently. Love Mountain ash
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#133110 - 01/09/08 08:50 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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What a page of insights into grief over Dads. It has me so choked up. My Mom passed away 2 1/2 years ago and my Dad is still living. I was visiting with him just yesterday on what would have been my Mom's birthday. I am so close to him. When I've hated men (for whatever reason at the time)I've always said they're all horrible...except my Dad. He's the most honest man, full of integrity and we're so close. All that, to say that this particular page of posts has me realizing that he won't always be here. Seeing him grow older and more frail panics me inside. Thank you for a reminder to cherish him while I can.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133112 - 01/09/08 11:19 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 12/21/07
Posts: 138
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When Daddy's die, little Girls Grow Up. I was his little Cowgirl, now I'm just a woman with a horse. Due to circumstance I was his protector & he mine. When momma died, I was just an adult orphaned little girl who became a woman without her Very best Friend. Grief, there's no right or wrong way to feel it, deal with it & I doubt we ever really get past it, it just gets less intense with the passage of time. Cherish parents while you have them, give them the benefit of doubt, Treasure every memory it helped make us who we are. QB
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#133113 - 01/10/08 08:29 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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Quote:
My Dad had a go with the flow attitude, my Mom tends to be bitter and gets stressed out really quickly. I had a wonderful loving relationship with my Dad, she did not. I find this quite sad but only they know what went on in their marriage and it is not for me to know.
Also she has been through this many times. With her parents, a couple of her brothers (in the war) and other close people in her life. This is my first experience with losing a loved one in my adult life (lost my grandparents as a teen) This is also the most devastating experience for me. I love my Mom but she is a prickly person. She holds on to the past and then brings it up constantly. My Dad was a real calm person and easy to talk to. If we disagreed with each other we would laugh about it and agree to disagree. My Mom gets all huffy if you disagree with her because she always has to be right.
I quite agree Kate that a child can never truly know how a parents' marriage is transformed over time.
My parents are still very much alive. In some ways the temperment of your father and mother is similar to mine. Yes, my mother does nag everyone, including father. And it truly amazes me (and siblings), that now it's just the 2 of them at home, that he has extreme patience to deal with her...and yea, just goes with the flow.
My only hope that I know my mother's resentment isn't him, and I believe my father knows this but more how she feels about herself. I do know that she knows she is extremely lucky to have been matched with a kind, patient and hardworking guy like my father. (My mother was a picture bride. My parents only wrote to each other for a few months between China and Canada.)
So I do consider their marriage and..the end result of us...as a family....not to bad in the end.
As I have said months ago, perhaps the greatest compliment to my father, is that his daughters have subconsciously selected their spouses/partners who have similar temperments as my father.
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#133116 - 01/12/08 06:01 AM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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Quote:
My Mom is the type that likes to complain but not do anything about it. She has a victim type personality.
I think I know my Mom very well now and I understand her feelings of relief. I do worry about her though. I don't think she is really dealing with his death. She is actually confused by mine and others reactions and the terribly grief we are feeling. Because she is moving on she thinks we all should. I think she just shuts herself down.
I'm one to talk though. I am in a bit of denial myself. I can't go to their apartment because I don't want to face the fact that he is not there. The difference between my Mom and I is that I work at these things. She just blocks it all out which is possibly going to give her a stroke.
I learned a long time ago that you can't change anyone, only yourself.
Aside from how your mother was like in her marriage...then perhaps it might be more how she has been to you as a mother.
I guess we have to remember...who was the person that got up night after night, to give us our night feedings when we were babies.
I try to remind myself this about my mother. I recall going to the funeral for a close friend whose mother had suddenly died in a car accident. Her mother was something like my mother in terms of temperment. The euology was delivered by a neighbour of the family. I found the euology just abit too general and did not give any glimpse what the person was like who died.
Granted it was a sudden death but to me, but the lack of personal definition, spoke volumes to me, that the adult children had not quite figured the role of their mother as a person. to even provide meaningful text about their own mother for another person to deliver in a euology.
I realized afterwards, that I don't want to her die and to be left without properly articulating when she was alive, what my mother gave to us, what she was a woman in her life.
so there is a woman in my life, who if I screwed my sewing tailoring project, she was there is pick up, to fix it hours into the night...after her 6 children went to bed.
so there is a woman in my life, who trudged up the staircase to give freshly peeled fresh fruits to each child who was studying in their rooms...every evening..
so there is a woman in my life, who gives care food packages when each of her adult child visits... I am literally the walking manifestation of my mother's healthy diet that she fed to her children.
and so on....despite her bad explosive temper...I have to accept my mother. She won't allow US, her children to define her. She wants to find her way.
But yea, it takes alot more energy and time to love my mother compared to my father.
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#133118 - 01/14/08 10:21 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 1796
Loc: Daytona Beach, Florida
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I just got back on line and am terribly saddened by your loss, Katebcca. My mom died decades ago and my dad only 5 years ago. Some days I grieve as though I just lost him. I don't talk about it often because I was devastated, lost a good job, went on antidepressants for 6 months, and still feel lost without his presence in my life. It was too much to bear.
_________________________
What I know for sure is that it's all connected. Saundra Goodman Got Teeth? A Survivor's Guide www.gotteethguide.com for your Free Tips
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#133119 - 01/15/08 12:41 AM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: Saundra]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Kate, I wasn't sure whether or not to share my own experience, but after what happened today I almost cannot. I'll try to keep it short so won't go into all the history. Suffice to say that my lifelong relationship with my Mom was fraught with prickles and frustration. It was only after years of therapy that I was able to co-exist with her and not see her as my mortal enemy. After Dad died, my brother, husband and I became her caregivers and spent a great deal of time with her. Things were a little better, but only when someone else was in the room with us. If we were alone, she knew exactly what buttons to push and didn't hesitate to provoke me into yet another bitter exchange, despite my best attempts to "not go there".
Then she died. Six years ago. Kate, I cannot tell you how much of my pain over the past few years has come from regret, because it's only in hindsight that I've been able to look past all the glaring hurting and bitter pricklies and see all the WONDERFUL things my Mom DID do for/with me. Today the flashbacks were coming fast and furious - birthday trips, just-because gifts, countless sacrifices she made for me - it was overwhelmingly wonderful, sad, bewildering and painful to realize just how blinded I had been by my fear/resentment of her to be able to see all the good things about her and the wonderful things we did manage to do together throughout our lifetime.
I wept for a long time today, so saddened by so much time wasted in anger and prickly co-existence - I know I can't go back and change anything, but if I could, I would nudge myself past all of those prickly bushes and button-pushing provocations and just HUG HER and tell her I love her, and do everything in my power to befriend her.
I know, oh how I know, how impossible it seemed when she was still alive - and even her death does not minimize all of the hurt and irreparable damage that she really did inflict throughout my life - but I would still make an effort to move myself past that and see the good stuff too and try to love her as much as she would allow me to.
It's not easy, and don't set yourself up for more injury if that's what will happen, but it might end up being as much for your inner health and well-being to try and move beyond your past and love her while she's still alive to love. I don't know if my Mom would have allowed our relationship to change even if I could have gone in with the insight that I have now, but I know now that it would be better for ME if I had at least tried.
My heart and prayers continue to be with you day and night.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133121 - 01/15/08 09:09 AM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
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I care for each of you ladies who is opening up...the idea of remembering who did the night time feeds...I will remember.In my case it was my Grandmother..apart from very early days.In adoption there must be similar issues to mine.The birth mother and the devoted carer. I seperate the nature nurture and work it from there.Complicated I know. Can I ask those of you who are grieving how often you think of the lost person.Do days go by when you dont?As I have grown older I visit the past often..for laughter..as well as sadness. In my mind I walk eound my childhood home and days...think about the meals and special things.Will there come a day when this wont happen.I never thought to ask my loved ones how they coped. only answer if it does not upset you. Mountain ash
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#133122 - 01/15/08 01:37 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...
[Re: Mountain Ash]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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MA, since most of the things around me (furniture, knick-knacks, photos on the walls, even some clothes) came from either Mom and/or Gary, it's impossible not to think of them constantly. Even this computer (including its beautiful 20" monitor) was a gift from Gary his last Christmas with us.
I'm only just starting to be able to ENJOY memories of Mom, and have tried focusing on the good, fun memories of Gary; but it's still too soon. My inner eye keeps refocusing on his last days, I can't get those pictures out of my head.
There are days when the agony of absence is not as overwhelming, in fact, more days are becoming "even", if you know what I mean - no roller-coasting. But conversely, I'm still not able to experience much joy either, though I surround myself with music, books, inspiration and outings that SHOULD bring enjoyment. Doesn't work too well, yet, but at least the will to laugh is there, so hopefully it won't be too long before the laughter follows the will!
I look forward to the time when "walking around my childhood home and days" brings more smiles and enjoyment than tearful reminders of all that's been lost too soon. Right now, everything good also carries a pang of anguish, not just for what's been lost, but for what wasn't asked, said or done at the time. Like you, I never thought to ask any of my loved ones too much about their lives...the loss of those opportunities and answers also weighs heavy sometimes, though I really am trying to focus only on the positive and good now.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133124 - 01/18/08 07:51 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: ]
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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I have a big problem. I plan to take my father's ashes back to Denmark. I want to go alone, well, just with him. We had talked many times about going with just each other, not my Mom but knew this would never be possible. My Mom takes up alot of oxygen and would be dragging us all over to places we would not want to go. It was just a pipe dream.
Now that my Dad is gone, I want to go to his homeland with him (his ashes) and see his country without my Mom. The other day we were both invited for a luncheon at a Danish friend of mine. She made special Danish food. This was very nice of her. Anyway, my Mom was doing most of the talking and saying things that were not true. Basically things I did when I was young, just basically recalling things from the past. A few times I couldn't listen to her tell things about me that were incorrect so I said, that is not really how I remember it. She got angry and said "You always contradict me" She said this more than a few times so finally I stood up and said I had to go.
The problem, I have been invited to relatives while over there and my father's very good friend. The friend told me that I am most welcome to stay but not my mother. When my father was alive, he tolerated her for my Dad's sake but wants nothing to do with her now. I don't blame him. She was very rude to his girlfriend and wouldn't allow her to come over and visit as they were sleeping together and she called this woman a slut. They are both in their 60's. This friend lived in our city for 8 years and recently moved back to Denmark.
Anyway, I know if my Mom goes she will ruin the trip for me. She will take over the entire visit and I won't get to visit with my relatives like I would on my own. She would also want to drag me to places she wants to go and show me Denmark through her eyes. She is not Danish and was born here. I don't want to see Denmark through her eyes. Am I being terrible. Should I suck it up for her sake as she wants to come and spread the ashes. I don't think she is that interested in spreading the ashes, she just wants to go and show me everything and have it her way.
Today she mentioned coming with me and I said I didn't think you could afford or want to go. I told her that I guess I should have asked her. I also told her that I wanted to go on a last minute flight and also when I go away she takes care of my dog. Both my Dad and her like having the dog and part of the reason I got the dog was for my Dad. She usually stays over at their place once a week.
She got all offended and said "oh I guess I will just stay home and watch your dog so you can go" She is not a happy camper and I know that she is upset. She told me that she doesn't want me to go alone. I told her that I am fine going on my own and that I always travel on business by myself so she doesn't need to worry about that.
Anyway, I've offended her. I really don't want to go with her and would rather cancel going if she goes. I can't be honest with her and explain that this is something I want to do alone. She is very childish and would really get upset if I told her this. Any suggestions or feedback would be so helpful. Kate
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#133125 - 01/18/08 07:57 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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Kate, this is truly a sticky situation for you. I have mixed feelings but know that the two of you would be just miserable. I just read this and wanted to acknowledge you quickly. But I need time to mull this one over....and am interested what others can offer you for advice.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133126 - 01/18/08 08:52 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: ladyjane]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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Is your mother able /healthy enough to travel by herself?
It is very meaningful for you to bring your ashes to his homeland, but is not possible this could be given to your mother if she goes alone? She is his wife, no matter what you think.
You need to ask yourself priorities when you visit Denmark --is it more to visit relatives and his good friend in memory of your father or delivering his physical ashes have equal parity/value?
Personally I would like to meet relatives and learn more stories about a loved parent who died. Talking about your father with others in a pleasant storytelling way, is a special type of memory and a visit to always remember for the rest of your life.
By offering the ashes to your mother to deliver/rest, puts the ball in her court ....by herself. Without her daughter beside her to do this task, to influence her feelings about how she feels about her husband in now.
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#133129 - 01/18/08 10:59 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Kate, my opinion would be to follow your heart - I can hear how very important this is to you, and I think that you just need to listen to your gut, your heart and your intuition and go with that - and be okay with going alone! Wanting to meet your relatives within the context of finding out more about your Dad is perfectly understandable. Again, IMHO, your Mom should try to understand that need in you and give you her blessing to go.
Is it possible that she doesn't really want to go, but might be playing yet another control/guilt game with you?
What if you compromised with her by asserting your intention to go to Denmark alone this time, but make plans to take another trip just with her, somewhere she'd like to go, like maybe one of those shopping trips?
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133131 - 01/18/08 11:38 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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One thing that going alone might help with is "perspective" - you've been dealing with such a bombardment of negativity during this time of grief - I can tell you from experience that it would probably be a huge relief for you to get out of that negative environment and into one where you will find life, roots and perspective - and all of that will then help you to go back into your Mom's environment refreshed and rooted in what you gained from the journey.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133133 - 01/19/08 12:52 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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After reading others posts, Kate, I think it's possible that you may have to get tough enough to say "I'm going through with this alone" and then go....and let the chips fall where they may. You don't get alone with your mother well and it seems you'd be damned if you do and damned if you don't no matter what. Follow your heart on this one.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133135 - 01/19/08 05:46 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 03/12/04
Posts: 1177
Loc: Decatur, Illinois
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Kate,
After reading your thread I just wanted you to know I totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes you have to use some tough love and do what you feel is right in your heart. I also understand about someone watching your precious pet! Good luck and go for it!
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#133136 - 01/19/08 06:31 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: Sherri]
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Member
Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
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There used to be airlines that provide free airfare if you accompany cargo. If you were to sign up for a trip like that, your mom couldn't go. I had a co-worker that used the program to visit some relatives in England. That was 25 years ago...things were different. I don't even know if they still do it. Just a thought.
You need to go, and go alone, for your own reasons. Your mom would like to go, for whatever reasons. Could you go, and her join you later, after you've made clear your boundaries. The ashes are yours to handle as you desire, but ask yourself, what would your dad be thinking if he were watching your actions and privy to your thoughts right now. Make him proud.
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#133137 - 01/19/08 08:16 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: gims]
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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My Dad would want me to go alone. He knows what my Mom is like. I don't want to join her later as I don't get along with her. I can only tolerate her for two hours max. When she is around other people she embarrasses me so much as she talks about stuff she knows nothing about and argues with people. She even argued with my Dad's Danish friend about Denmark. She told him about a custom there and he is from there. He said that is not the way it is and she told him he was wrong.
She is extremely negative. I have tried to help her sell some of her things (my Dad's family heirlooms) as she won't give any of them to me, now or when she goes. When the auction people came over, two different companies, she called me up at work to tell me what "stupid idiots they were" her words, and there were more of them.
Then I sent over a person who may be interested in some of the medical supplies of my Dad's, they were stupid idiots also as they didn't buy anything. I was given a long discription of how they dressed, simply awful, what they said, idiots etc. This is what she is like. I can't stand negative talk about people (now I'm doing it myself)
She told me that my Dad's parents sent him over to Canada to get rid of him. That is what she thinks of his family. She also told me on his death bed, we were both standing beside him that he never spent any time with me when I was younger. My Dad was comatose, but I knew he could hear her. I was horrified. I adored my Dad and she did everything she could to turn me against him. Negative hurtful stuff.
I can't go on this trip with her. Why she thinks my Dad's family would want her there is beyond me as she always put them down. My Dad would be proud of me if I stuck to my guns and finally stood up to her as both of us have not been able to. She can be a real bully. Kate
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#133138 - 01/19/08 08:22 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
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Things seem clear in your mind. If I were you and things were that clear to me, I'd go for it. (Sometimes you sound like you're talking about my mom, so I understand, thoroughly.)
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#133139 - 01/20/08 03:59 AM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: gims]
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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Thanks for allowing me to vent. I have been quite negative, I realize that but I'm working through something. This grief thing is a process and it is often not pretty. Unresolved issues from the past come up and unfortunately for me, the issues are with my Mom. Still, I want to go alone on my trip, that has not changed.
What I need to work on and I did that today, is why I allow my Mom to push my buttons and I think I figured out why.
When she makes rude or negative comments or hurts my feelings, I grind my teeth, but don't say anything to her. This in turn makes me angry at her. I should see it another way and I am now. Instead of getting angry at her, I should tell her how I feel. Not in a nasty way, but in an honest way. She will make a big scene as she does not like to be challenged, but then that will be her choice.
My frustration and anger towards her is the problem. It's a problem because instead of standing up for myself I back down and then feel resentful.
All my life my Mom has been a bit of a bully. She says the meanest things and I have taken it. She isn't all bad of course, but she is childish and has often been jealous of me especially in my youth. She would critisize me instead of building me up. Over the years she has said some very hurtful things for no reason other than her insecurity.
Everyone in my family including some of my parents friends have let her get away with basically getting her way. To keep the peace my Dad and I would just take what she threw at us. Peace came at a big price though.
So, now I am going to try really hard to stand up to her. I will be firm and kind, but I will tell it like it is. eg. Boyfriend situation. Because my current boyfriend is part black she has said to me that she never wants to hear his name, she never wants to meet him and he is never welcome, ever in her house. In the past I have never mentioned him in conversation. But I think I may bring him up from now on when it is relevant to the conversation. Eg. If we are going somewhere or if he is coming out to visit. He lives 5 hours away. I don't think I should act like he doesn't exist just because she has decided that she doesn't want to hear about him.
I hope this isn't too long but I wanted to explain that there is a reason why I have been struggling with the decision to go on my trip alone. I think I need to make this journey so I can move forward. Kate
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#133144 - 01/20/08 12:15 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: gims]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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Sooooo, Kate? GO FOR IT!! What do you really have to lose?? Take your grown up freedom and exercise it. We're rooting for you!!!!
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133145 - 01/20/08 02:49 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: ladyjane]
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Member
Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
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Kate i have thought deeply before posting.Do you have to go to Denmark this year? Can you give yourself time and see how things evolve? Seems to me that we all do things when grieving thinking we must act sooner rather than later. You could visit Denmark (maybe with your Mother maybe not) but keep the ashes for a time when it will allow peace for you. the act you are to perform deserves to be done in grace and then it will help you heal. Forgive me if I say something that offends you. Mountain ash
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#133147 - 01/20/08 08:05 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
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Kate your tribute of the ashes should be cathartic and although painful be an experience to treasure. Battling with your mother would take some of this from you.(Even if she did not come she would be sitting on your shoulder.) family dynamics are complicated and you need some time to move forward. I think you are doing marvellously.After all its early days.
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#133154 - 02/05/08 12:51 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: Edelweiss]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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Kate, this is one area where I wouldn't go. If she can make new friends, either male or female, all the better. As you've said, your mom and dad never had much of a marriage, so she's ready to do something more. At her age, a new man may be good for the situation...who knows? My dad moved on very quickly also...and it's been the best thing for him.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133155 - 02/05/08 04:38 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: ladyjane]
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Member
Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
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She's 81. When I'm 81 I'm going to KNOW how short life is...
I agree, just listen and nod a lot. :-))
_________________________
Casey Dawes Wise Woman Shining Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.
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#133158 - 02/28/08 04:35 AM
Re:loss of my father has brought up some questions
[Re: ]
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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Lately since my father died I have been thinking alot about where we go when we die. My biggest concern when my father passed was where he was going, will he be safe, happy etc. This must be so difficult for parents who lose young children as the need to protect is so strong when they are young.
Anyway, I was discussing an article with my Seventh Day Pastor brother. You may know something about their beliefs. In a nut shell they believe that when we die that's it. We are dead, cease to exist. We stay that way until Christ comes again to start a new world, then we are awoken. My brother told me that the spirit in us is God's breath and that when we die it leaves us. Just like a light bulb, when it goes out that's it. As a light bulb needs electricity, we need God's breath to keep us alive.
Then what is a soul, what is it's purpose? I always believed that we are a spirit in the form of a body, that our body is just a vehicle. I am struggling with this concept.
Now, I do not like my brother's version. It is not very comforting for me to think that my father no longer exists in any form. He says if my father could look down on me it would not be fair to him to watch me in moments where I grieve, am sad or suffering. He says God would not do this as it would be unfair. I have searched the bible for scripture talking about this topic and it appears that the bible does say we just go to sleep.
There is a story in the bible about Lazarus and how Jesus brings him back to life. He says he is going to wake him up, he doesn't say he is going to call him down from heaven. There is no comment from Lazarus as to where he came from. He does not say what heaven was like, where he was etc. I don't believe he says anything. This is a sign to me that if you believe the bible, you do not believe in an after life or Lazarus would have provided proof. He would have said what it was like, or would he?
It appears that most of you have a different opinion of what really happens when we die. Some believe in reincarnation, some don't. We personally and religiously have very different ideas of what happens when we die. Where do we get these ideas from?
I believe that we are not meant to know where we came from or where we are going. If we knew, maybe more people would commit suicide to escape this world, many others would live life to the fullest if they believed that this is it, that they only had one shot at it.
I believe that I have had a few experiences that are unexplainable, but they do tell me that there is a spirit world. My beliefs are being tested.
One thing that really stands out for me personally is that the earth is only one of hundreds or maybe thousands of planets. The universe goes on forever. How can we think we are the only ones that exist? That there is nothing else. What are all of these planets for, why do they exist. How do we explain the fact that some people see ghosts?
Maybe it's because I don't want to believe the reasoning my brother believes. That is a possibility, but I have to trust my own instincts. I think we all do. Kate
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#133159 - 02/28/08 08:12 AM
Re:loss of my father has brought up some questions
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
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Dear Kate, I never thought it would be like this; but the older I get, the more I question. So you aren’t alone on probing your beliefs. I majored in philosophy. Aristotle and all the rest of those brilliant Greek philosophers always fascinated me.
I think the difference in me now, and say about 30 years ago is that I listen to myself more. We don’t choose where we were born, and what religion influences us in our lives. It’s all by chance that we believe one way or another. What if you were raised with no belief, and had no outside influence touching you mind? What would you think then?
I think we would look at nature, and use that to answer some of our questions. For me a tree is a symbol of life, that lives on through it’s seeds. When it dies, it fertilizes the earth, to nourish other trees, and on and on it goes. I don’t think we really ever die. We change in our functions, but like everything on this planet, we too have a cycle. I have no idea if I’m quoting some known religion. These are truly my own thoughts. I find comfort in nature, and I trust it. Maybe all we should do is live and let live, don’t question too much, for know one has THE answer. I love to believe there is a God, a father for all of us. But maybe this God is in form of nature. I do believe in good, and that good sows more good.
I think you are on something there about committing suicide. If we all knew how great it would be to be dead, then bye-bye world. So this instinctive fear of death must have its reasons. Not because death is horrible; but because it may be so wonderful.
Where your father is? Dear Kate, I’m sure such questions are more pronounced when mourning. He is in your heart, your memories and lives on through you. You can call upon him anytime you want, and you can find peace knowing he is at peace as well. In that I truly believe.
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