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#133030 - 11/28/07 04:40 AM Lost my Dad today
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I lost my Dad today. He was my best friend and a strong male influence in my life. On my own for the past 10 years raising my children, he was there for me in a big way.

A few years ago I almost lost him when he was sick in hospital and had to have his leg amputated. Diabetes.

Now the other leg continues to get infected and he went into the hospital on Friday, was chipper on Saturday during the day but comatose after that and today he died at 3pm.

My Mom is not having a service for him so I am. I need to celebrate his life and so do his grandchildren and close friends. I'm going to take his ashes over to Denmark as his wish was to have his ashes spread around his parents grave.
We had planned to go there together some day but he didn't want to make the trip in a wheel chair. Now I will be going with him in spirit.

It's a sad, sad day. The hardest part that I wasn't prepared for was leaving him. I said my goodbyes but could not leave the room. It felt like I was leaving him all alone. It took 5 trys and I had to leave and not look back.

Hug your elderly parents today if you still have them. They can sometimes feel like a burden when you are busy with your kids, job, life but they can be gone in an instant.

I will really miss my Dad.
Kate

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#133031 - 11/28/07 05:05 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: katebcca]
Sandpiper Offline
Member

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Kissimmee, Florida
Kate,
My heartfelt prayers and thoughts are with you today. I know this is a hard time for you. Nothing can replace our parents. I lost my dad in January of 1998 and my mother in January of 2000. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters but still feel like an orphan since they have died. I sometimes tell people that you will feel like your world has tilted on its axis and will never be the same.
Time does help, but you never stop missing them. I agree with you for those that have their parents, please give them an extra hug and listen to them because they really are gone in an instant.
It sounds like you have very sweet, charming memories to hold dear of your father. What an honor to spread his ashes on his parents grave. Good for you for holding a service to celebrate his life. It is important to do so, it makes you feel like you have given him the final honor of shring his life.
If you ever need a friend to chat with when you are missing him or having a hard day please feel free to contact me. You can reach me here or at sandpipertwin@yahoo.com.
God's Blessings on you dear one.
_________________________
Sandpiper
"Kaleidoscope Memories: Childhood Stories That Celebrate Family Life" - 2008
http://kaleidoscopememoriesbook.blogspot.com
www.tidedancer.com

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#133032 - 11/28/07 05:41 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: Sandpiper]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Thank you Sandpiper. I really appreciate your thoughtful words.
Kate

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#133033 - 11/28/07 05:42 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: Sandpiper]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
I'm so sorry for your loss. He was a great person for you.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com


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#133034 - 11/28/07 05:52 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: orchid]
jladdon Offline


Registered: 11/08/07
Posts: 19
Loc: Spokane, Washington
Dear katebcca,
My condolences on your loss. One bright spot in such a case is that your Dad no longer will be suffering with his disabilities. And I'm sure you'll continue to feel his presence in your life. I think of my parents both, every day, and they've been gone for 20 years. --Judy
_________________________
http://www.sallythebook.com

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#133035 - 11/28/07 10:09 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: jladdon]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Dear Kate, I know how your Dad has been a strong supporting pillar in your life from your past posts. I don't think one is ever prepared enough for a loss of a parent. I send hugs your way, and hope you find comfort with friends and family.
My prayers are with you.
Hannelore

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#133036 - 11/28/07 11:03 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: Edelweiss]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Dearest Kate, I was so sorry to see your sad news. I do hope you can feel the love and concern for you here. Yes, they can be gone in an instance. Thank you for the reminder. I pray that in time you will be surrounded with such warm memories that will hold you through the tough times. Please check in when you can. How nice to be able to take him to Denmark as that was his wishes. We're here for you. (((((((((Kate)))))))))
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133037 - 11/28/07 12:43 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: ladyjane]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Oh Kate. I wish I could be there with you now. As someone has said in a previous post, please feel the love from everyone here surrounding you and holding you up during this difficult time.

I lost my Daddy, and best friend, 3 years ago and I still miss him each and every day. He's in my thoughts daily and I still talk to him.

You and yours will in my heart and in my prayers. Let your mind wander back to the many, many, wonderful memories as you honor your grief, and although bittersweet now, they will help to sustain you.

Come to the boards if you need us. We love you and are here for you!

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#133038 - 11/28/07 02:19 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: jawjaw]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Kate, I'm so terribly sorry. Please know that we're thinking of you and offering up prayers.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#133039 - 11/28/07 02:44 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: Dianne]
Countrygirl Offline


Registered: 10/14/07
Posts: 139
Loc: The wilds of Scotland, UK
Kate, we don't know eachother but my heartfelt prayers go out for you today. With love.
_________________________
Strangers are just friends waiting to happen.

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#133040 - 11/28/07 03:14 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: Countrygirl]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
My heart aches with you Kate. It's such an excruciating loss. You are in my heart and prayers today and throughout the coming weeks. Be sure to come here and just "be" with us when you need some companionship along the way.

I like to think that your Dad (and my Dad & JJ's Dad and everyone else's Dads) are safe, happy and so much closer to us than we can imagine. He'll find ways to let you know that he's still with you...
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#133041 - 11/28/07 07:18 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: Eagle Heart]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Katebecca, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved father. His spirit and memory will be with you always.
_________________________
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limited edition designs
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#133042 - 11/28/07 07:27 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: meredithbead]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Kate, I add my sympathy and prayers to the list. By the grace of God you were close. It's amixed blessing because you will miss him, but you will probably hear his words with every situation you face. He will still be with you, just in a different way.

I recall how he supported you with your relationship and I know how important that was to you.

If you need help planning his service, just ask. I bet we could all come up with some great ideas.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#133043 - 11/28/07 07:41 PM Re: Lost my Dad today
Lola Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 3703
Loc: London UK
Kate, I am so sorry to read of your Dad's demise. My sincerest condolences.
_________________________
<><

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#133045 - 11/28/07 10:51 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: ]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Well thank you ladies, I'm typing through the tears. It doesn't take much.
How thankful I am to have you with me today in thought and spirit. Your words are so appreciated. Believe me you have made a difference to my day. Thank you
Kate

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#133046 - 11/28/07 11:44 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: katebcca]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
Hi Kate. I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad. It's especially hard when one's parent was a friend. Celebrate his life and grieve that he is no longer in yours. But know that we are all thinking of you and sending you cyber hugs!
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#133047 - 11/28/07 11:52 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: Countrygirl]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
Kate,
Prayers and hugs for you.
Casey
_________________________
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#133048 - 11/28/07 11:59 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: Countrygirl]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
I am so sorry, katebcca. Thank you for reminding us to hug the ones we love!

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#133049 - 11/29/07 07:44 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: gims]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
This is a wonderful creative group and I would love to hear your ideas if you have some experience with this.

My Dad told my Mom that he did not want a funeral. I want and need some closure and I think my Mom does, kids, family etc. do too.

I have a wonderful ex-mother in-law who is now my very good friend. She belongs to a wonderful non-denominational church and has made arrangements for me to have a "Celebration of Life" service for my Dad.

I discussed it with my Mom and brother and they will go along with it but neither of them want to do anything. I can't judge them for that. My brother has his beliefs and feels that this type of thing is just prolonging the pain.
My Mom is in shock and I think she will appreciate this service after the fact. Anyway, I have to be the one to put this into place and it's also something that I want to do.

The church is not charging me a thing and all I have to do is pay for the Minister to do the service. The cost is $300.00 which both my brother and Mother think is crazy.
I don't. I totally trust my Mother in-law and when she says he does an incredible service I know that I can count on that. He is not a practicing minister anymore and is not part of her church. His full time work is putting on "Celebration of Life" services that are very touching and memorable.

I am having the minister meet with my Mom, brother and myself. This is part of his service. He meets us for an hour and finds out as much as he can about my father. He says we have many options on how to have it. The nice thing is he will take control of the service, as much as we want him too which is something I can't do. I would just break down too much.

Question: have any of you done this type of thing and if so, was there anything you did that made it extra special"

I'd love to hear of your experiences. To me, this is a send off for my Dad. I don't want it to be a sad, painful experience. I want my Dad to be remembered and honored.
Thanks in advance.
Kate

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#133050 - 11/29/07 12:50 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: katebcca]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Having just gone through this three times in less than eight years, I'll share my hard-learned experience. Dad was adament about not having a funeral, so we didn't...Mom couldn't handle it anyway, but we did compromise somewhat by having a wake at the funeral home. That ended up being a beautiful gathering, especially when hundreds of Dad's former students and colleagues as well as old friends from various places we had lived showed up to show their respects. Mom was flabbergasted by the crowd, and we realized afterward that we should have had a funeral.

When Mom died, she had just moved to Ottawa and didn't know anybody here and nobody here knew her. So again, we just had a small wake service at the funeral home, brought in pictures and stories. More people showed up than expected, and it was a lovely gathering.

But about a year later, I went through a phase where I really needed closure and wanted to do a joint memorial service for both of them. My brothers didn't want it, out of respect for both parents' wishes to not have anything formal. So I dropped the idea.

When Gary died, I knew I needed a funeral. I'm so glad we did. Again, hundreds of people came and it was a beautiful ceremony. Lots of Gary-stories had us laughing and crying. It was expensive (funerals usually are), but we were all very glad we did it. We had my church minister (an old friend of the family from way back) perform the ceremony at the funeral home. The going rate for his services was $250, which I thought was reasonable. We just counted it in as part of the cost of the funeral, most of which was covered anyway by my brother's workplace or insurance, I can't remember which....you might need to check into your Dad's finances to see if something in there is available to cover any funeral expenses - here in Canada, many people have insurance or workplace pensions that do cover some of those costs.

I heartily recommend that you go ahead with this funeral/service. We do need closure. It's not unusual that your Mom would be too numb to do anything - that's why people turn to funeral homes, they tend to look after everything.

Our service was very simple. The minister pretty much put it together and then just slotted in whatever we wanted to add - stories, eulogy, music, etc. Do what you feel would best honour your Dad's memory and celebrate his accomplishments and life. Pictures, stories, a favourite hymn or song (though most churches now limit the choice of what can be played during a religious ceremony).

I'm sure others will have ideas and suggestions as well. Good luck, Kate. It sounds like your minister will do a wonderful job - and with him taking control of the service and arrangements, I think his fee is worth it.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#133051 - 11/29/07 12:52 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: katebcca]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Our dear Kate, I was a minister's wife for 25 years and saw loads of funerals, memorials...some were very different and creative. I think the most important thing is to make it personal. What I'm hearing you say is that this is a true celebration of his life and you want it to me very personalized. I've been to some funerals that were so dirgy and depressing....all they were basically was rituals and nothing more. We tried to get to know the family. When we'd do the contact with them we'd "open the floor" to hear their memories...all about the person's personality, their quirks, their humor. Everyone would laugh over funny incidents, etc. The the celebration of life would be sparked with a mixture of tenderness and humor...after all, it IS a celebration!! And what do we do when we celebrate? We honor, love, laugh and are full of thankfulness. One such service we had was just that. After some words and music, the floor was opened for memories to be shared. Most of them were humorous because we were honoring a very humorous person. It lightened things and made us all appreciate knowing that person in our lives. So ask yourself....what was his personality? What were his interests throughout his life? All those things will open the door to what you'd want as a part of his celebration of life. When my Mom died 2 years ago, the service ended with "Somewhere my Love (Lara's theme," as people rose to greet each other. It was her and my Dad's special song. Of course, I shed tears because it meant so much and the words finally made sense for Mom and Dad but it was very special and personal. I also spoke and then read a writing I had done about my Mom....that day I wore her white jacket, pearls and her shoes. There are no rules, Kate. This is a celebration of your Dad's life so honor who he was as a person.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133052 - 11/29/07 12:58 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: ladyjane]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Eagle was writing at the same time as I was so I just saw her post. Yes, I want to emphasize that doing a remembrance is so important!! Personally, I don't understand why people make requests for no funeral or service of any kind. It is not really for them in some ways....it's for those we leave behind to remember and have closure. My brother requested had requested no service. But then he died suddenly at 52 and we were all in shock. We granted his wishes although I was angry about that. I saw it as selfish in some ways....sorry, but I did. So we had a graveside service and the outpouring of love from the multitude that gathered on that cold November morning soothed our hearts. I'm glad we at least did that. And also.....the time the family gathers and selects photos of the loved ones life is HUGE! It's healing for them and people just love to gather around picture boards before and after the service and reminisce.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133053 - 11/29/07 05:09 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: ladyjane]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
Kate reallie sorrie for you loss, keep strong, keep some faith and i whish you all the best. Hope you find some comphort out off Denmark and making the journey
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#133055 - 12/03/07 11:31 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: ]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I had a wonderful service for my Dad. My brother and mother were not to keen at first but were glad I think after.
Quite a few people showed up and the minister who does life event services was great. He read some scripture and read poems. I made a double sided folded page to hand out with photos of my Dad and poems that are meaningful to me.
Many of my friends showed up to support me which meant so much.
Now the hard part. I just have no idea how to move forward. Back doing work today, from home as I just can't go into the office. I just can't seem to deal with the finality of his death. Where is he? And, I want him back. I will have moments when I'm ok, but mostly not.

I've been reading some books that are comforting but only when I read them and then the grieving resumes.
How do you get past this. It feels like I never will.
Kate

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#133056 - 12/04/07 12:01 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: katebcca]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Kate,
It DOES feel like it will never get better, but it does. Slowly, moment by moment, one foot in front of the other, you get through. One day at a time - sometimes only one moment at a time. That's probably all you can handle for awhile, so be okay with that, it's okay to move at your own pace.

Wondering where they are is such a haunting question. One day they're here, vibrant, breathing, filling our lives with their presence - the next day they're utterly gone, and the silence is deafening and excruciating. And the part about wanting them back? I don't think that ever goes away, though the yearning becomes easier to co-exist with.

There probably are no words or books or wisdoms that can bring sustaining comfort right now - the hurt is just too big now, and the wound too raw for anyone, including yourself, to touch.

But Kate, I hope it helps to know that you are surrounded by our care and prayers, our love and what little comfort our presence here can provide. Although it feels like it, you're not alone. And your Dad is closer than you can feel right now. Talk with him. Hold one of his shirts close to you and let him hug you through your tears and pain. And lean on God - if you're anything like me, you might be angry with Him - that's okay! But even in the midst of your anger, you can still lean on Him and find compassion and comfort there.

Our hearts are with you. It doesn't feel like it's possible right now, but you will get through this. The hole never goes away, but time and love will help you through.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#133057 - 12/04/07 12:06 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: Eagle Heart]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Eagle, you've said it all. You've been there in loss recently enough to convey those first hours and days. Kate, one day at a time and in your very own way. There is no right or wrong now. One foot in front of the other as Eagle said. Please feel our love surrounding you from this board, your friends. Let time pass. Do what you have to. And yes, talk to him.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133058 - 12/04/07 12:08 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: ladyjane]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
And Kate? Talk to us here. Feel free to cry and pour your heart out. You know we're here at all hours. That's the beauty of this forum.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133059 - 12/04/07 12:19 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: ladyjane]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Thanks Eagle Heart and Ladyjane,
Eagle Heart, what you said is very helpful.
Kate

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#133060 - 12/04/07 09:12 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: katebcca]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I am so sorry Kate that I am just seeing this. You have my deepest sympathy and prayers.
Now theres a guardian angel in heaven to watch after you.


Edited by chatty lady (12/04/07 09:13 AM)
_________________________
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#133061 - 12/04/07 05:09 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: chatty lady]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Thanks Chatty, that is what I am thinking. Also that he is just in another place and just because I can't see him, doesn't mean he is not there.

I feel a little better today but I know it will come and go.
Christmas was his favorite time of year and the kid in him came out. Not going to be easy but then Christmas is often difficult for many of us. When I go to the mall nearby to get my morning coffee all they are playing is Christmas music and it makes me cry everytime. I'm trying to stay away from malls for the time being.

I told my kids that we need to do things differently this year and invite some people for Christmas dinner who are lonely or also missing someone. Not sure at this point but I am going to go looking for them and put the word out that my home is open to them.
Kate

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#133062 - 12/04/07 05:20 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: katebcca]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Kate, what a great idea. It will help with your motivation and busyness is sometimes the best thing when our emotions are all over the place. Good for you! What better way to honor your Dad at his favorite time of year.....by sharing your home with others who hurt! He will be proud.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133063 - 12/04/07 07:37 PM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: ladyjane]
AmyDoodle Offline


Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 143
Loc: South Carolina
Kate, I just noticed this, too. My heart, and prayers, go out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
_________________________
Visit me at www.mindovermullis.blogspot.com
"I share a birthday with Abraham Lincoln. My kids think we’re twins."

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#133064 - 12/06/07 01:37 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: AmyDoodle]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I have not been back at work yet, well for an hour yesterday but that is all.
Today it has been one week since my Dad passed.
Because I was home and watching TV I watched Oprah who I have not seen in a long time.
She had an author on who has written more than a few books but this one is called "For One More Day"
The question of guests was asked "If you could have just one more day with a loved one who would it be"
A very timely show for me.

The movie based on this book is on December 9th at 9pm on ABC.

Just wanted to share this as I know I am not the only one going through this.
Kate

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#133065 - 12/06/07 01:45 AM Re: Lost my Dad today [Re: katebcca]
Songbird Offline
Member

Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 2830
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
Kate,I am so sorry for your loss. I was away with comp problems and was just logged in a few minutes ago. I know the heartache of losing a Dad. Please receive a hug and a prayer from this sister.
Your plan of inviting someone lonely is a great one. Please celebrate all the beauty of life and sharing.
_________________________
In His love, Songbird
http://expressionpublishingministries.com
www.inkspirationsbyrhodi.blogspot.com
NABBW & NAWW

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#133066 - 12/07/07 01:27 AM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: Songbird]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
My Dad did not leave anything, not sure if he left a will or not. I have told my parents for years that I do not want anything from them and I don't. My brother feels the same.

My Dad tied his business in with his mortgage and the lost their home which was a shame. My mother never forgave him for it and continued to bring it up to him over the years.

Problem. When my Dad's parents died he was left all kinds of antiques and paintings. I do not want anything but one painting that was in a photo of my Dads's parents in their living room. I want to at least keep it in the family. My Mom has no attachment to any of these paintings and wants to sell all of them.

The one I want was offered to my brother (who never visits) and he said he didn't want it. He doesn't care about art. Both my daughter and I like to paint.
Anyway, I mentioned to my Mom that I would like at least one painting and maybe the one she offered to my brother. She said, you move to much and wreck everything. When I was married my ex used to have temper tantrums and always damaged my things. Broke all my antiques etc. and a painting my Dad gave me (this was over 20 years ago) got damaged. I have not been married for over ten years but my Mom brings up that when I was married I moved all the time so she would rather sell the paintings to strangers.
I just want one for sentimental reasons, to have something from my Dads family.
I am very hurt by her comments. I do everything for them and have done everything my entire life. My brother basically does nothing and gets offered a painting.
Just a venting session and I don't want to start a war over this it's not worth it.
What do you think about this.
Kate

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#133067 - 12/07/07 06:46 AM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: katebcca]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Hope you do get the painting as a valued memory memento of your father, Kate.

Has your daughter seen this painting that you wish to have? If she hasn't, bring her along to view the painting one more time.

You know your mother, ...sounds similar to mine, in some respects. I share your sighs of sheer frustration...
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#133068 - 12/07/07 08:38 AM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: orchid]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Kate, that is just plain unfair of your Mom. But sorry to say, that is the way it usually is. The faithful doting child is already there. It’s the child who seldom comes, or does next to nothing that has to be wooed and won over. It might sound harsh, but give your Mom a feeling that you are not her lady in waiting. She may appreciate you more.

Although I have a good relationship with my brother, I asked my mother to separate all her belongings in writing as to who gets what. She has taken photographs of her jewellery and labelled everything according to who gets it. I had no scruples encouraging her to do that.

Did you ever tell your father that you would want that picture? Did he say you should have it? If so tell that to your mother.

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#133069 - 12/07/07 01:14 PM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: Edelweiss]
Eagle Heart Offline
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Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Is there any chance that your brother would accept the painting on your behalf and then "regift" it to you?
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

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#133070 - 12/07/07 04:39 PM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: Eagle Heart]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
My brother lives in Texas. If he lived here he would do that I'm sure.
I'll offer to buy it from her but won't discuss it again. She has always been jealous of me and my relationship with my father as they did not get along. She resented my being closer to him and that is true. It is not that I loved him any more, it's that he was so easy going and she is difficult. I could never do anything right in her opinion and my Dad totally accepted me and loved me unconditionally.

I think she is sticking it to me as she has the type of personality that likes to get back at people. Very child like.
I won't go that route so will do what I can in a nice way and then will have to let it go.
Kate

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#133071 - 12/07/07 05:58 PM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: katebcca]
Eagle Heart Offline
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Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
She sounds like one of those people who always needs to have a scapegoat. Very difficult to deal with if you happen to be the scapegoat-de-jour. Especially during sad times like this. I'm praying that she'll have a moment of compassion and see that the painting rightfully belongs with you.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

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#133073 - 12/07/07 09:03 PM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: ]
Anno Offline
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Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
Kate, I am so sorry that I have not responded and sent my condelences and prayers to you earlier. You have both from me.

Please don't let the material goods taint your memories in any way. Your relationship with your father was good and in the end, that's all that really matters. Time will most likely sort all of this out.

Again, I am sorry that you have lost your best friend - your father. Peace be with you.
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#133074 - 12/07/07 09:33 PM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: Anno]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I don't plan on fighting over anything. My Mom is not as sensitive as I am or nostalgic. My Dad's things do not mean the same to her. I get that.

She starting getting rid of his things the day he died. Went home straight from the hospital and started throwing things out. I am trying not to judge her for this. She may have been keeping busy trying to deal with her grief.

I don't hold on to things, and never have. In my grief I want my Dad's things for sentimental reasons but I know that having them will not bring him back.

I am just going to leave it and see what she does.

I remember my Dad telling me when his Mom was dying (his dad had already passed away) she would say "here come the vultures"
Some members of his family started taking things before she was even dead.

I don't want to ruin my relationship with my Mother. As it is now I barely tolerate her because she is so negative and critical. I don't want to feel any guilt when she goes so am trying to just let it go.
Kate

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#133075 - 12/07/07 09:55 PM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: katebcca]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Kate,
You are very wise to let it be. By doing so, you are not only honoring your Daddy memories, but you are honoring yourself. What a good and wise heart you have.

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#133076 - 12/09/07 02:09 AM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: jawjaw]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Kate, I wouldn't touch it either if I were you. Everyone reacts differently in these situations. Memories are the best things to hang onto.

How are you doing with your grief? And how are your kids?
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#133077 - 12/09/07 02:16 AM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem
humlan Offline


Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 1341
Loc: Sweden
Kate, I don´t know you either..but you are a fellow boomer woman and a fellow human being..and I just want tell you that I am so sorry for your loss..but very very happy for you that you had/have such a wonderful father all these years..and that you can carry his love and strength and wisdom with you always...

lots of hugs!
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#133078 - 12/09/07 06:49 AM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: humlan]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Your right, memories are best to hold on too. We talked about it tonight, she brought it up and here is the problem.
My Mom is upset with me because she thinks I like my Dad better, plain and simple. I don't like him better, just got along with him better.

She is angry with me because she has made me many needle point pictures and I don't hang them in my house. Well I hang two of them even though they are not my taste. I've put away the others for my kids. She thinks I should hang all of them in my home. I like modern and abstract type paintings, her pictures are in my opinion arts and craft type pictures. It's not like she drew the pictures or painted them, she copied a pattern. I appreciate all the hard work but have told her not to make me anymore. How many can I hang up anyway. She wants my entire house to be full of her arts and crafts and it's not just pictures. It's knick knacks everything she makes.

So, the jealousy comes into it once again, I don't like her pictures, so I am not getting my Dads picture. That is how she thinks and I'm letting it go. My Mom told me she doesn't care about my Dad's things and has no attachment to them.

She accused me of wanting the only painting that is worth anything which is so not true. She doesn't even know if it is worth anything. I give up really and am just letting it go. It's just not worth it.

My kids are doing ok, thanks. I'm not doing too good but it has only been just over a week. I'm getting out and not isolating myself, I'm just really sad and wake up crying some nights. I have dreams where I am crying in my dreams and I wake myself up.

My biggest concern is that I wonder where my Dad is. In these later years our roles reversed and I became the parent, so I worry about him like a parent would worry about their child. I also miss him.

I will never, ever please my mother and never could. I have no idea why I let her get to me so much. She can make me so angry. I thought I let go of all the anger from my childhood. She was a very jealous, critical mother and put me down. Maybe it's time to do some work in this area.
Kate

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#133079 - 12/09/07 07:06 AM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: katebcca]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
I had a similar problem with my mother who used to get hurt and furious when I would refuse large food care packages from her. Then I clued in ..that food and cooking were signals of love from her to her children. It was a tangible thing that signalled the time and care she spent washing, cutting and packaging up veggies..for us to save time and prepare food. She also would give in food care pkgs., cut, frozen meat for us. I used to trudge home onto subway with loads of food. Rejection of her food really was like rejecting her love. The connection is very strong.

And my mother and father do not hug their children naturally. It's not part of their style of family or in their past. So other gestures, actions become very powerful symbols of giving and love in our family.

It bothered me because i earned a good salary and didn't need any parent to this for me. So instead I started to ask my mother for certain foods that clearly I knew she loved to make for us AND I didnt' know how/just didn't make myself. So homemade sticky rice bundles wrapped in bamboo leaves and tied with string, etc.

Is there something, kate that your mother does for you, that you truly enjoy from her? There must be....she loves you. I find it hard to believe there is nothing. Maybe it's something she used to do for you regularily but no longer does.
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#133080 - 12/09/07 07:42 AM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: orchid]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
My mother took wonderful care of my children when they were small. She was a great grandmother and she helped me out alot when I went back to school after my separation. She doesn't know how to relate to teenagers though, didn't know how to relate to me either.

She also said tonight that my Dad wanted everything to go to my brother (the child that never visits) because I wouldn't take care of anything. I find that hard to believe. She said it to hurt me because, she thinks I love my Dad more than her. I can't find any other reason for her insensitivity.

My Mom gives with strings attached and I hate that. She is also a martyr. She is critical, prejudice and judgmental of everyone, and I mean everyone including me.

She wouldn't allow my Dad's friends to the house. She didn't like either the wife or the husband. My Dad had to wheel himself across the street in his wheel chair to visit with one of his good friends as he stood up to her one day so she banned him from the house. Then she tells everyone my Dad has no friends. That's because she wouldn't allow him to have friends. Yes he is a big boy but wanted to keep the peace. He paid a very large price for that. For the past five years while he was in a wheel chair she made his life miserable because she was miserable.

She won't allow my boyfriend to come near her house and refuses to meet him. She told me never to speak of him, why, because he is of a mixed race.

Of course she has her good points, everyone does. If I ever needed money, my car fixed etc. she was right there. Although I would have to hear about it later. She is good in many ways. I know she loves me in her own way although she doesn't know how to show it like some people. She is not affectionate either and has never in her entire life told me she loved me.

Kate

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#133081 - 12/10/07 04:23 AM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: katebcca]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Can see why you want distance from your mother for awhile. She does sound quite difficult to deal with as a person.

I hope for better days between you and her one day.
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#133082 - 12/10/07 04:39 AM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: orchid]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
kb, are you sure you haven't been reading my diary?

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#133083 - 12/10/07 07:13 AM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: gims]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Although my Mom is difficult and not the kind of person I would have as a friend she is still my Mom. I'm in the anger phase of grief. It's easier to be mad at her then to continue being sad. I must focus on the positive, the wonderful memories I have of my Dad. My Mom is who she is and I don't have to like it. But there is nothing I can do about it. I learned along time ago that the only person you can change is yourself.

She came over tonight as I think she is trying to be closer to me. She told me she feels nothing, doesn't seem to miss my Dad in the least. I of course have a problem with this and don't understand how she can feel this way as I miss my Dad so much.

My parents did not get along and I wouldn't be surprised if she just felt some relief. I do worry though that she is not dealing with his death at all and it may come back to bite her one day soon. Or maybe not. Who knows.

Although she has said some terrible things to me I know in her own weird way that she does love me. I need to make peace with her as one day she will leave too and I don't want to feel any regrets or feel guilty.

I do have to have boundaries with her though as the way she feels about my boyfriend is just wrong. She has never even met him, it's just the colour of his skin that is a problem for her. Saying she never wants to meet him, and that he is never to set foot in her house etc. is also her problem. I know at Christmas (not this year) but down the road if he is here she will refuse to come and that will be her choice. I am not going to cater to her. I know there will be some difficult times ahead but I will take the high road as I don't want to be like her in that way. I let her control me as a young person, but I will not let her control me now.

It's too bad, but that is the way things are.
Kate

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#133084 - 12/10/07 01:31 PM Re: Lost my Dad today - slight problem [Re: katebcca]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
kate,
If more people had your sound reasoning, and forgiving heart, their lives would be so much better. You've found a place inside where you can put everything into perspective and see it for what it is, and still love. That's very rare. I know others reading your post will be inspired by it, just as I was. You are not only handling your personal grief, but you are making room at the same time to allow your Mom to just be the person she is...and doing so with love. You are amazing. I know your Daddy is looking down on your with a proud heart.

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#133085 - 12/10/07 02:35 PM Dad's & daughters... [Re: jawjaw]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Dear Kate,
Sorry about your dad. I lost mine a long time ago but still
think of him daily. I have pictures of him in nearly every room of my house. There's something special about that daughter, dad bond. The same is true for grandparents and grandkids. Those are special bonds. Prayers and blessings
to you Kate!!!

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#133086 - 12/10/07 05:17 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: jabber]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Thank you Jaw Jaw. I have been told more than once that I have the patience of Job.

I learned through counselling, and I've been to many courses, that every negative thought or action comes back to you. That not forgiving only hurts you. This is so true. I remember when I first left my abusive cheating ex husband I was so angry but the anger I had did not affect him at all, only me. So, I forgave him and my life has been so much better for it. I have to be clear that I forgave him, I did not forget because we need to protect ourselves from further abuse.

I have a pleasant relationship with him now for the sake of my kids, but my guard will always be up when it comes to him.

This goes for my Mom too. I forgive her but don't forget as I have to keep my boundaries with her in order to protect my spirit (soul)

Some people think by forgiving that we are saying the abuse or whatever is ok. I disagree, forgiving just means you've let go of the hurt and pain and by doing so find inner peace. I acknowledge that the person is who they are and are on their own journey. They will have to deal with their behaviour in their own way.

As for my Mom. She has to deal with herself and I know that she is not a happy person inside. Instead of anger I am trying to be accepting of her letting her deal with her own issues or not if she chooses not to.

Bonnierose, that is very true about father's and daughter bonds. I now have pictures all over my house too and believe that my Dad is with me, I just can't see him at the moment.
As in part of this poem, "Death is nothing at all I have only slipped away into the next room"

Kate

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#133087 - 12/15/07 11:24 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: katebcca]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Kate, don't mean to change the subject but that is one of the cutest dog I have ever seen. What kind is it?


Edited by chatty lady (12/15/07 11:25 PM)
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#133088 - 12/16/07 12:52 AM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: chatty lady]
Happy Birthday Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Well, Kate, I am so sorry for you losing your dad and not having your mother be supportive, caring, or compassionate. You sound like a very insightful woman. It's so sad when we have to create walls or put our guard up to protect ourselves from the cruelty of others. And as for what Chatty asked above, consider the source, she's seen a lot of dogs, and she says yours is the cutest!

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#133089 - 12/16/07 10:12 AM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: Princess Lenora]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Kate, you are so wise. Your post reminds me that I am launching a contest this week and I hope you'll enter it. It has to do with lessons we've learned through the years.
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#133090 - 12/17/07 06:02 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Chatty,
My dog is a mix between a Chinese Hairless (there are two types one has hair one does not)
My dogs mother had no hair, accept on her feet, ears and tail.
The Dad was a Maltese. She is a wonderful little dog and is quite and sweet. But, she doesn't care for dogs, as she prefers cats. I have three.
Her hair gets really long. I had just cut it all off before this photo. She looks cute here, like a little lamb but when her hair is long she looks like some kind of hairy beast especially when she bares her teeth, only when a dog has the nerve to sniff her.The Chinese Hairless can have a mean streak.
I have always had large dogs with even temperments so she was a challenge when out in the park with other dogs. I have to explain to the other dog owners about her personality. Very embarassing and the other dogs in the park just want to say hi to her, she just growls.
She is my little girl though, spoiled, sleeps in my bed and loves blankets so she has one on the couch, on the bed etc.
Can you tell my children are teenagers now and I feel the need to nurture:-)The dog is now my baby. My kids tell me I am going to be one of those weird old ladies that has 50 cats and dogs. They are probably right. I feed all the ferral cats, find homes for the ones I can catch, feed the racoons (I have four that come to my house everynight and practically knock on the door), the squirrels etc. I just love animals.
Kate

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#133092 - 12/18/07 12:34 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: ]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
I just have to add this story. In the 90's in my husband's "other life" he had a raccoon from the time it was a baby. It lived in his garage...he had an upstairs band room (for his band at the time) and the raccoon had many comforts there. Then he went in the house. He talks now about how the raccoon would get into the silverware drawer at night and all the noise he'd make! He lived in a rural setting so the raccoon could be free and learn how to live in the wild but always came home daily. After a while, the raccoon started staying away for longer periods and my husband would catch sight of him now and then. I guess he felt the call of the wild and moved on for a mate, etc. But the stories and photos are hilarious!!
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#133094 - 12/18/07 05:35 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: ]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Anne, I can try. His "other life" photos have been gone through and I don't know what/how much he has saved in the process, but I'll ask.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133095 - 12/18/07 09:25 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: ladyjane]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I'm going to a service tommorow night at a church in town.
It's call the "Longest Night/Blue Christmas"
It's a service for those who are sad at Christmas due to loss and who find this time of the year difficult. It's hosted by the Pastoral Care Team.
I think this is a great idea. I will say a special prayer for my Dad and all who have lost a loved one.
Kate

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#133096 - 12/18/07 10:31 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: katebcca]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
One day at a time Kate....That is wonderful that these kinds of services are offered.

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#133097 - 12/19/07 01:07 AM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: Edelweiss]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Well whatever breed she is, she is adorable. I too am an animal nut...So is Dianne who ordered a baby afghan for her dog Diz, which I gladly made for her. I wanted to add a really tiny one for Sammie her bird, but she said it might freak her out.
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#133099 - 01/08/08 11:13 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: ]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Just over a month and I still feel depressed at times.
This past week I was in a good mood for most of it and then last night I had an emotional breakdown. It just came out of the blue.

I felt really tired and listless and then had a full blown crying session. For me any reminders are tough. I had gone to the store that day to pick out a frame for a photo of my father. I was fine then. Went home then later in the evening I got really depressed.

These crying sessions are happening less and less. I would say the hardest part for me is that I can't see him again and I can't stand it. He was not only my father but my best friend.

Do I need counselling, or is this normal, episodes of crying still? When can I expect these to subside? Will they ever?
Kate

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#133100 - 01/08/08 11:53 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: katebcca]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Kate, I've been thinking about you a lot and wondering how you're doing. This is a really tough stretch, these first few months. In my opinion and experience, it gets tougher before it gets better, because the longer we go without seeing our loved one, the more real it becomes that this is forever.

That hole will never go away - and that's okay. Time does heal our ability to co-exist with it, and to feel more joy than tears.

Crying is normal, sadness is normal, grief is normal - and there is no "perfect" timeline - some people say 2 years, some take 5 years but I think it starts to get easier after you've gone through all of the "firsts".

I don't think it's unusual for to go for counselling to help you get through the sadness. After Mom died (Dad had died two years prior) in 2001, I worked myself into a total physical burnout trying not to deal with the grief - then spiralled into a full-blown depression. So when my brother died this past year, I didn't hesitate - I went back into therapy almost immediately because I knew that I wouldn't do as well going through the grief alone. It was a good decision for me, my therapist was wonderful and helped a lot.

For me, though, it was my sisters right here at BWS who most helped me through the roughest dark patches. We're here for you, so many of us have been through this and know the agony of absence.

Others will have insight and wisdom as well. I say that if you feel the need to talk with someone, don't hesitate. Your minister, a therapist, your doctor - find someone, don't go through it all alone.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#133102 - 01/09/08 12:46 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: ]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
I agree. Grief takes a lot of our strength. I sometimes wonder if there's always something that we still grieve over, no matter how much. Grief in losing someone does come in waves. Those waves just get farther apart with time but I also agree on the 2-5 year thing. I also agree that sometimes a safe place like a good counselor's office, help us process that grief. My brother's death hit me like no other. It was 3 months after the fact when I sought counselor and she assured me that I was "right on time" at 3 months. Things were too quiet and I needed an outlet because I thought I was going crazy. Now, like I've said before, I can smile and talk about his life and the "sting of grief" is very much reduced.
_________________________
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#133103 - 01/09/08 01:42 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: ladyjane]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Oh Kate, my heart goes out to you and Eagle and all those who are grieving. It's good that you share your thoughts with us.

If you think it may help, please share with us what kind of father and friend your Dad was to you.

Every blade in the field —
every leaf in the forest —
lays down its life in its season
as beautifully as it was taken up.
—Henry David Thoreau

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#133104 - 01/09/08 03:17 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: Edelweiss]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Grief is as much a part of living as joy. When my Daddy died, I went into some sort of frozen state. I did not cry immensely like my sisters and Mom. I was frozen in time. I knew once I let go and grieved, I was admitting he was truly gone and in my brain, I felt I would somehow loose the connection. Does that make sense?

However, during this time, it was extremely painful to be around other members of my family, especially Mom. I could hardly walk through her house because of the pictures surrounding me of Daddy. He was my best friend.

One day I was visiting Mom, about a month or so after his death. She casually mentioned something about him, and then said, "Oh, I meant to tell you, your sister Amy sent you this picture for you to keep." She walked over to me and handed me the picture. I took one look and I crumbled. I cried, and cried, and cried. Mother became worried because I could not stop. I don't know how long this went on...but probably about 20 or so minutes. Deep, wailing...deep suffering I had bottled up, and longing to see my Daddy, just one more time.

I finally stopped and when I did, Mom said she just didn't realize how much I held inside. She knew I was prone to do this, but she explained how healing it can be to own your grief and just it it be what it is. Work through it, show it, live it, whatever it takes because only then can you honor the life of those that have left.

I felt so much better afterwards and understood what she was telling me and in such a loving way.

You are so normal, friend of mine. Please honor that grief and the life of your sweet Dad. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to miss him, by all means, shout it to the Universe. Whatever it takes to help you work through this.

I STILL have my moments. But I love the fact that I finally realized he is here with me, and Mom, and my sisters. They never leave. Not really. Beautiful, isn't it? Just knowing this.

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#133105 - 01/09/08 06:20 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: jawjaw]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
It took me a very long time after my Dad died to be able to look at a picture of him without breaking down. I had a beautiful portrait of Dad and Mom hanging in the living room. It took me a long time to realize that the reason I hated sitting in a certain chair in that room was because it forced me to look at that picture and feel the pain. It was even worse after Mom died, so we took it down and hung it in our family gallery going down the stairs.

Now I love to look at pictures of them, though it's still painful to look at any of Gary. But that's okay, I know it'll come with time. Whenever I pass any of them in the gallery, I blow them a little kiss and ask them to keep watching over us all.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#133106 - 01/09/08 07:27 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: Eagle Heart]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Thank you everyone. My father and I had a incredible relationship, very close. We laughed all the time and just had a wonderful connection. He was my best freind and that is why I feel such loss. We could talk about anything. When I was younger our relationship was sometimes strained especially in the teen years. But,in the last 18 years we have become very close.

Since my divorce. He has been the man in my life. He was there for me big time helping me through it. We started meeting for coffee every Friday over 10 years ago and did that until he passed away.

Jaw Jaw what you said really hit home. I am not frozen though and have periods of crying that last for a long time. But, I can't go to their apartment. I just can't. My Mom is unhappy about this as I can't visit her. I went twice at her request in the past month and it upsets me too much. She is grieving in a much different way. For her it is a relief as their relationship was very toxic. Mainly because she had deep resentments and would not let go of the past. She nagged my Dad constantly as she had unresolved anger issues with him. Instead of going and getting help with her issues, she chose to make my Dad pay so to speak. She mentioned the other day how she is finally getting a good nights sleep. That he always kept her awake. He had his leg amputated five years ago and does have to get up in the night.

I can understand her situation looking at it from the outside, but when she says stuff like that I just want to scream at her. I am trying to accept her way of grieving. My Dad had a go with the flow attitude, my Mom tends to be bitter and gets stressed out really quickly. I had a wonderful loving relationship with my Dad, she did not. I find this quite sad but only they know what went on in their marriage and it is not for me to know.

Also she has been through this many times. With her parents, a couple of her brothers (in the war) and other close people in her life. This is my first experience with losing a loved one in my adult life (lost my grandparents as a teen)
This is also the most devastating experience for me. I love my Mom but she is a prickly person. She holds on to the past and then brings it up constantly. My Dad was a real calm person and easy to talk to. If we disagreed with each other we would laugh about it and agree to disagree. My Mom gets all huffy if you disagree with her because she always has to be right.

My brother who is a pastor, sent me a pamphlet on losing a loved one and it was very good. The only part I can't get through at this point is it says you have to say good bye. I can't do that, just can't. For me my Dad is still alive. I can't accept that he is gone. I know that is why I can't go to their apartment. It makes it real and I don't want it to be real. In my mind I know that he is gone, but I don't want to accept it at this point.

I have some work to do. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know that in time it will get easier. I was starting to think that there is something wrong with me but it really only has been a little over a month. I need to be patient.
Kate

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#133107 - 01/09/08 07:38 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: katebcca]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
I totally "get" about you not being able to say good-bye. Crying and grieving was the final good-bye in my eyes and I couldn't take that step. It meant I accepted in my heart and soul AND in my brain, (logically) that he was gone. I couldn't take that step. But eventually, I did. I too thought there was something wrong with ME because everyone else was grieving openingly, and I wasn't...the daughter who was closest to him in many ways, wasn't crying. I felt like in a way I was betraying his death by not mourning.

In reality, I was holding on to him the only way I knew how to do it. Subconsciously.

IT IS ALL OKAY. Whatever you do, however you do it. It is all okay. When my 98-year old grandmother died, one of my sisters said to me as I cried, "Try to cry silently." I told her point blank....Don't EVER tell me how to grieve. She never has since then.

There are no standards for grieving. Only your hearts.

And you make my heart sing when I read about your understanding and compassion for your Mother. She has her own life to live, make amends for and to, and things day in and day out she has to deal with. We cannot judge her any more than we would a total stranger who was married to a man and he died. We weren't there, didn't live it, so how could we know?

Your feelings toward her are so genuine and heartFULL. I love that. You are a very wise woman.

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#133108 - 01/09/08 07:50 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: jawjaw]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Katebecca
could you say "Bye... for now"
I agree with everyone here.We all grieve but do so differently.
Love Mountain ash

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#133109 - 01/09/08 08:31 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: Mountain Ash]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
That's an idea. I will try to do that, bye for now.

Not going to be easy though. I guess I have to go with whatever works for me from day to day.

I do plan to take his ashes with me to Denmark in April. Maybe then I can say good bye, hopefully.
Kate

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#133110 - 01/09/08 08:50 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: katebcca]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
What a page of insights into grief over Dads. It has me so choked up. My Mom passed away 2 1/2 years ago and my Dad is still living. I was visiting with him just yesterday on what would have been my Mom's birthday. I am so close to him. When I've hated men (for whatever reason at the time)I've always said they're all horrible...except my Dad. He's the most honest man, full of integrity and we're so close. All that, to say that this particular page of posts has me realizing that he won't always be here. Seeing him grow older and more frail panics me inside. Thank you for a reminder to cherish him while I can.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133111 - 01/09/08 10:43 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: ladyjane]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Oh yes, cherish him while you can. My Dad went so suddenly. Even though he was 82 with one leg amputated he was fine. I just had him out with me shopping a few days before he died.

Sounds funny due to his age, but he was doing great and showed no signs at all that this was going to happen.

I do feel comfortable with the fact that I did spend alot of time with him though, so no guilt.

I am going to have some guilt with my Mom if I don't let go of the anger I have towards her. My Dad's death has reminded me that she won't be around forever either. I have some work to do.
Kate

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#133112 - 01/09/08 11:19 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: katebcca]
QBall101 Offline


Registered: 12/21/07
Posts: 138
When Daddy's die, little Girls Grow Up. I was his little Cowgirl, now I'm just a woman with a horse. Due to circumstance I was his protector & he mine. When momma died, I was just an adult orphaned little girl who became a woman without her Very best Friend. Grief, there's no right or wrong way to feel it, deal with it & I doubt we ever really get past it, it just gets less intense with the passage of time. Cherish parents while you have them, give them the benefit of doubt, Treasure every memory it helped make us who we are.
QB

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#133113 - 01/10/08 08:29 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: katebcca]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Quote:

My Dad had a go with the flow attitude, my Mom tends to be bitter and gets stressed out really quickly. I had a wonderful loving relationship with my Dad, she did not. I find this quite sad but only they know what went on in their marriage and it is not for me to know.

Also she has been through this many times. With her parents, a couple of her brothers (in the war) and other close people in her life. This is my first experience with losing a loved one in my adult life (lost my grandparents as a teen)
This is also the most devastating experience for me. I love my Mom but she is a prickly person. She holds on to the past and then brings it up constantly. My Dad was a real calm person and easy to talk to. If we disagreed with each other we would laugh about it and agree to disagree. My Mom gets all huffy if you disagree with her because she always has to be right.




I quite agree Kate that a child can never truly know how a parents' marriage is transformed over time.

My parents are still very much alive. In some ways the temperment of your father and mother is similar to mine. Yes, my mother does nag everyone, including father. And it truly amazes me (and siblings), that now it's just the 2 of them at home, that he has extreme patience to deal with her...and yea, just goes with the flow.

My only hope that I know my mother's resentment isn't him, and I believe my father knows this but more how she feels about herself. I do know that she knows she is extremely lucky to have been matched with a kind, patient and hardworking guy like my father. (My mother was a picture bride. My parents only wrote to each other for a few months between China and Canada.)

So I do consider their marriage and..the end result of us...as a family....not to bad in the end.

As I have said months ago, perhaps the greatest compliment to my father, is that his daughters have subconsciously selected their spouses/partners who have similar temperments as my father.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com


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#133114 - 01/11/08 06:17 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: orchid]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
My heart goes out to all of you who are greiving. Grieve as you wish, not according to others standards. Every relationship we have is so different so how can thier be a certain way to grieve the loss of that relationship?

As far as saying goodbye, I don't think we need to do that. I say, "until we meet again" because we will. This is a temporary loss that will begin again when we pass and see all that have gone before us. And I belive it will be a sweet meeting that will last for all eternity.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#133115 - 01/11/08 06:27 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: orchid]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Orchid: My only hope that I know my mother's resentment isn't him, and I believe my father knows this but more how she feels about herself. I do know that she knows she is extremely lucky to have been matched with a kind, patient and hardworking guy like my father.

Response:
My mother's resentment was my Dad. She did not appreciate
him at all and treated him like a child. She doesn't get it that it takes too. In her mind my Dad is responsible for all of her stress, problems etc. Although my Dad was wonderful to me, over time he did not really appreciate or want much to do with my Mom. Her nagging turned him off and he just couldn't deal with her anymore. I couldn't blame him at all. She drove me crazy because every time I would talk to her she would complain about my Dad. Just stupid things. He is always on the computer, he makes a mess of her kitchen floor when he goes by in his wheel chair etc. etc.

She had much to resent him for but unfortunately for her, she was hurting herself by hanging on to the resentments. In the early years he did not manage money well and they actually lost their house. He hid some things from her but that was because she would never just talk about things, it had to be her way, all the time. My Mom is the type that likes to complain but not do anything about it. She has a victim type personality.

I think I know my Mom very well now and I understand her feelings of relief. I do worry about her though. I don't think she is really dealing with his death. She is actually confused by mine and others reactions and the terribly grief we are feeling. Because she is moving on she thinks we all should. I think she just shuts herself down.

I'm one to talk though. I am in a bit of denial myself. I can't go to their apartment because I don't want to face the fact that he is not there. The difference between my Mom and I is that I work at these things. She just blocks it all out which is possibly going to give her a stroke.

I learned a long time ago that you can't change anyone, only yourself.
Kate

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#133116 - 01/12/08 06:01 AM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: katebcca]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Quote:

My Mom is the type that likes to complain but not do anything about it. She has a victim type personality.

I think I know my Mom very well now and I understand her feelings of relief. I do worry about her though. I don't think she is really dealing with his death. She is actually confused by mine and others reactions and the terribly grief we are feeling. Because she is moving on she thinks we all should. I think she just shuts herself down.

I'm one to talk though. I am in a bit of denial myself. I can't go to their apartment because I don't want to face the fact that he is not there. The difference between my Mom and I is that I work at these things. She just blocks it all out which is possibly going to give her a stroke.

I learned a long time ago that you can't change anyone, only yourself.




Aside from how your mother was like in her marriage...then perhaps it might be more how she has been to you as a mother.

I guess we have to remember...who was the person that got up night after night, to give us our night feedings when we were babies.

I try to remind myself this about my mother.
I recall going to the funeral for a close friend whose mother had suddenly died in a car accident. Her mother was something like my mother in terms of temperment. The euology was delivered by a neighbour of the family. I found the euology just abit too general and did not give any glimpse what the person was like who died.

Granted it was a sudden death but to me, but the lack of personal definition, spoke volumes to me, that the adult children had not quite figured the role of their mother as a person. to even provide meaningful text about their own mother for another person to deliver in a euology.

I realized afterwards, that I don't want to her die and to be left without properly articulating when she was alive, what my mother gave to us, what she was a woman in her life.

so there is a woman in my life, who if I screwed my sewing tailoring project, she was there is pick up, to fix it hours into the night...after her 6 children went to bed.

so there is a woman in my life, who trudged up the staircase to give freshly peeled fresh fruits to each child who was studying in their rooms...every evening..

so there is a woman in my life, who gives care food packages when each of her adult child visits... I am literally the walking manifestation of my mother's healthy diet that she fed to her children.

and so on....despite her bad explosive temper...I have to accept my mother. She won't allow US, her children to define her. She wants to find her way.

But yea, it takes alot more energy and time to love my mother compared to my father.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com


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#133117 - 01/14/08 09:53 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: orchid]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I am learning slowly how to accept my mother. She seems fragile now since my Dad is gone. Not really bitter like usual.

I like your thoughts on all that she did do. Although her way is not to my liking all the time (prickly) she did do many things for me that I am thankful for.

The one thing being taking wonderful care of my children when I left an abusive marriage so I could go back to school. She went above and beyond providing wonderful care for them. I got to go to school without worrying about them which was very comforting. They were still in diapers. You can never fault her care giving skills with children. Recently she took care of some little kids in her building for new immigrants as they trusted her. She took on twins under a year and a 2 year old while the mother went to school. At the age of 80.

I think part of the problem for me is that I have not let go of some things from my past. Things that she did, said to me and I need to do that.

Also, my focus had been on the marriage and feeling sorry for my Dad and I need to stay out of that and focus on my relationship with my mother.

Maybe my Dad went first so I can deal with this.

I have a long way to go but am trying to see her for who she is, and focus on the good, not the annoying. This is not easy at times.
Kate

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#133118 - 01/14/08 10:21 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: katebcca]
Saundra Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 1796
Loc: Daytona Beach, Florida
I just got back on line and am terribly saddened by your loss, Katebcca. My mom died decades ago and my dad only 5 years ago. Some days I grieve as though I just lost him. I don't talk about it often because I was devastated, lost a good job, went on antidepressants for 6 months, and still feel lost without his presence in my life. It was too much to bear.
_________________________
What I know for sure is that it's all connected.
Saundra Goodman
Got Teeth? A Survivor's Guide
www.gotteethguide.com for your Free Tips

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#133119 - 01/15/08 12:41 AM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: Saundra]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Kate, I wasn't sure whether or not to share my own experience, but after what happened today I almost cannot. I'll try to keep it short so won't go into all the history. Suffice to say that my lifelong relationship with my Mom was fraught with prickles and frustration. It was only after years of therapy that I was able to co-exist with her and not see her as my mortal enemy. After Dad died, my brother, husband and I became her caregivers and spent a great deal of time with her. Things were a little better, but only when someone else was in the room with us. If we were alone, she knew exactly what buttons to push and didn't hesitate to provoke me into yet another bitter exchange, despite my best attempts to "not go there".

Then she died. Six years ago. Kate, I cannot tell you how much of my pain over the past few years has come from regret, because it's only in hindsight that I've been able to look past all the glaring hurting and bitter pricklies and see all the WONDERFUL things my Mom DID do for/with me. Today the flashbacks were coming fast and furious - birthday trips, just-because gifts, countless sacrifices she made for me - it was overwhelmingly wonderful, sad, bewildering and painful to realize just how blinded I had been by my fear/resentment of her to be able to see all the good things about her and the wonderful things we did manage to do together throughout our lifetime.

I wept for a long time today, so saddened by so much time wasted in anger and prickly co-existence - I know I can't go back and change anything, but if I could, I would nudge myself past all of those prickly bushes and button-pushing provocations and just HUG HER and tell her I love her, and do everything in my power to befriend her.

I know, oh how I know, how impossible it seemed when she was still alive - and even her death does not minimize all of the hurt and irreparable damage that she really did inflict throughout my life - but I would still make an effort to move myself past that and see the good stuff too and try to love her as much as she would allow me to.

It's not easy, and don't set yourself up for more injury if that's what will happen, but it might end up being as much for your inner health and well-being to try and move beyond your past and love her while she's still alive to love. I don't know if my Mom would have allowed our relationship to change even if I could have gone in with the insight that I have now, but I know now that it would be better for ME if I had at least tried.

My heart and prayers continue to be with you day and night.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#133120 - 01/15/08 05:46 AM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: Eagle Heart]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Thank you so much Eagle Heart for sharing.

You know, although death is so sad, and these posts make it clear to me that all of us at some time have to go through this there is a postive.

The sharing, the caring is magical. I think our wonderful lost loved ones are looking down on us and smiling. We are learning and growing and through our pain helping each other. How special is that.
Kate

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#133121 - 01/15/08 09:09 AM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: katebcca]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
I care for each of you ladies who is opening up...the idea of remembering who did the night time feeds...I will remember.In my case it was my Grandmother..apart from very early days.In adoption there must be similar issues to mine.The birth mother and the devoted carer. I seperate the nature nurture and work it from there.Complicated I know.
Can I ask those of you who are grieving how often you think of the lost person.Do days go by when you dont?As I have grown older I visit the past often..for laughter..as well as sadness. In my mind I walk eound my childhood home and days...think about the meals and special things.Will there come a day when this wont happen.I never thought to ask my loved ones how they coped.
only answer if it does not upset you.
Mountain ash

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#133122 - 01/15/08 01:37 PM Re: Dad's & daughters... [Re: Mountain Ash]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
MA, since most of the things around me (furniture, knick-knacks, photos on the walls, even some clothes) came from either Mom and/or Gary, it's impossible not to think of them constantly. Even this computer (including its beautiful 20" monitor) was a gift from Gary his last Christmas with us.

I'm only just starting to be able to ENJOY memories of Mom, and have tried focusing on the good, fun memories of Gary; but it's still too soon. My inner eye keeps refocusing on his last days, I can't get those pictures out of my head.

There are days when the agony of absence is not as overwhelming, in fact, more days are becoming "even", if you know what I mean - no roller-coasting. But conversely, I'm still not able to experience much joy either, though I surround myself with music, books, inspiration and outings that SHOULD bring enjoyment. Doesn't work too well, yet, but at least the will to laugh is there, so hopefully it won't be too long before the laughter follows the will!

I look forward to the time when "walking around my childhood home and days" brings more smiles and enjoyment than tearful reminders of all that's been lost too soon. Right now, everything good also carries a pang of anguish, not just for what's been lost, but for what wasn't asked, said or done at the time. Like you, I never thought to ask any of my loved ones too much about their lives...the loss of those opportunities and answers also weighs heavy sometimes, though I really am trying to focus only on the positive and good now.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#133124 - 01/18/08 07:51 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: ]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I have a big problem. I plan to take my father's ashes back to Denmark. I want to go alone, well, just with him. We had talked many times about going with just each other, not my Mom but knew this would never be possible. My Mom takes up alot of oxygen and would be dragging us all over to places we would not want to go. It was just a pipe dream.

Now that my Dad is gone, I want to go to his homeland with him (his ashes) and see his country without my Mom. The other day we were both invited for a luncheon at a Danish friend of mine. She made special Danish food. This was very nice of her. Anyway, my Mom was doing most of the talking and saying things that were not true. Basically things I did when I was young, just basically recalling things from the past. A few times I couldn't listen to her tell things about me that were incorrect so I said, that is not really how I remember it. She got angry and said "You always contradict me" She said this more than a few times so finally I stood up and said I had to go.

The problem, I have been invited to relatives while over there and my father's very good friend. The friend told me that I am most welcome to stay but not my mother. When my father was alive, he tolerated her for my Dad's sake but wants nothing to do with her now. I don't blame him. She was very rude to his girlfriend and wouldn't allow her to come over and visit as they were sleeping together and she called this woman a slut. They are both in their 60's. This friend lived in our city for 8 years and recently moved back to Denmark.

Anyway, I know if my Mom goes she will ruin the trip for me. She will take over the entire visit and I won't get to visit with my relatives like I would on my own. She would also want to drag me to places she wants to go and show me Denmark through her eyes. She is not Danish and was born here. I don't want to see Denmark through her eyes.
Am I being terrible. Should I suck it up for her sake as she wants to come and spread the ashes. I don't think she is that interested in spreading the ashes, she just wants to go and show me everything and have it her way.

Today she mentioned coming with me and I said I didn't think you could afford or want to go. I told her that I guess I should have asked her. I also told her that I wanted to go on a last minute flight and also when I go away she takes care of my dog. Both my Dad and her like having the dog and part of the reason I got the dog was for my Dad. She usually stays over at their place once a week.

She got all offended and said "oh I guess I will just stay home and watch your dog so you can go" She is not a happy camper and I know that she is upset. She told me that she doesn't want me to go alone. I told her that I am fine going on my own and that I always travel on business by myself so she doesn't need to worry about that.

Anyway, I've offended her. I really don't want to go with her and would rather cancel going if she goes. I can't be honest with her and explain that this is something I want to do alone. She is very childish and would really get upset if I told her this. Any suggestions or feedback would be so helpful.
Kate

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#133125 - 01/18/08 07:57 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Kate, this is truly a sticky situation for you. I have mixed feelings but know that the two of you would be just miserable. I just read this and wanted to acknowledge you quickly. But I need time to mull this one over....and am interested what others can offer you for advice.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133126 - 01/18/08 08:52 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: ladyjane]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Is your mother able /healthy enough to travel by herself?

It is very meaningful for you to bring your ashes to his homeland, but is not possible this could be given to your mother if she goes alone? She is his wife, no matter what you think.

You need to ask yourself priorities when you visit Denmark --is it more to visit relatives and his good friend in memory of your father or delivering his physical ashes have equal parity/value?

Personally I would like to meet relatives and learn more stories about a loved parent who died. Talking about your father with others in a pleasant storytelling way, is a special type of memory and a visit to always remember for the rest of your life.

By offering the ashes to your mother to deliver/rest, puts the ball in her court ....by herself. Without her daughter beside her to do this task, to influence her feelings about how she feels about her husband in now.
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#133127 - 01/18/08 09:09 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: orchid]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I want to do this, bring the ashes. When my father passed away in the hospital I said to both my Mother and my brother that I want to go to Denmark as my father always wanted to go home. They never said they wanted to go.

I don't think (I could be wrong) that my mother really cares either way about the ashes. She suggested we just throw them in the ocean here. This is not what my Dad wanted so it is clear to me that she doesn't really have a need to do this, nor does she care to respect his wishes.

In her mind he is gone, in my mind I want to do this to honour his wishes and to say goodbye. She has already said her good byes. She is not affected by his death the way I am. A friend of hers told me that she cannot understand why this is so upsetting for me. She understands my being upset, but not how much. She just doesn't get it.

My Mom travels to the US by herself all the time. She likes to go shopping over there by herself and still does this twice a year.

I want to meet the relatives. I don't understand why she wants to go. All her life she has said my Dad's relatives are useless. She didn't like any of them. If we go together I won't get a word in edgewise and will never hear some of the stories that I want to hear.

I do understand about my offering her the task to spread the ashes. I also understand that he was her husband but they did not get along at all and she resented him. I don't think she wants to do this but I may be wrong.
Kate

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#133128 - 01/18/08 09:20 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Another thing. I don't know why she just doesn't go and visit my brother in the US and her new grandson who she has never met. I don't know why she wants to spend the money to visit people that she says she can't stand.

In my mind she wants to go with me so she can have control of the situation and show me around like she lives there. She pretends she is from there. Everyone she meets thinks she is Danish and she doesn't tell them any different. It's really weird because she says really awful things about my father's relatives but she puts on heirs and wants everyone to think she is from there. (she came from a really small town and was poor. My father was from a well to do family)

She wants to visit my Dad's friend as she always flirted with him when he lived here and she likes the attention. She has no idea that he doesn't want to see her. She keeps sending him emails and he ignores them. If I go with her, I won't get to visit with him and I want to.
Kate

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#133129 - 01/18/08 10:59 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Kate, my opinion would be to follow your heart - I can hear how very important this is to you, and I think that you just need to listen to your gut, your heart and your intuition and go with that - and be okay with going alone! Wanting to meet your relatives within the context of finding out more about your Dad is perfectly understandable. Again, IMHO, your Mom should try to understand that need in you and give you her blessing to go.

Is it possible that she doesn't really want to go, but might be playing yet another control/guilt game with you?

What if you compromised with her by asserting your intention to go to Denmark alone this time, but make plans to take another trip just with her, somewhere she'd like to go, like maybe one of those shopping trips?
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When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

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#133130 - 01/18/08 11:27 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Eagle Heart]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Thanks Eagle Heart and you may be right about the control thing. She doesn't want me to have an experience without her around especially this one.

I would love to tell her that I want to go alone. Your idea about going somewhere else with her is a good one. I don't get along with her for long though so this may be a problem.

I can't visit with her for longer than a few hours. She is really negative.

Time to do some thinking on this one. Appreciate the feedback.
Kate

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#133131 - 01/18/08 11:38 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
One thing that going alone might help with is "perspective" - you've been dealing with such a bombardment of negativity during this time of grief - I can tell you from experience that it would probably be a huge relief for you to get out of that negative environment and into one where you will find life, roots and perspective - and all of that will then help you to go back into your Mom's environment refreshed and rooted in what you gained from the journey.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#133132 - 01/19/08 04:56 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Eagle Heart]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I feel that way too, like I need the journey and that is why I want to go on my own.
My Mom has a thing about keeping up appearances. I think she feels that if I go alone it will look bad that she didn't go and spread his ashes.

The fact that I can't handle her for long periods of time is not the reason I don't want her to go. I don't want her to go because I need to do this on my own. I can't really explain it.

The problem is she will never understand, nor will she try to understand.
Kate

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#133133 - 01/19/08 12:52 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
After reading others posts, Kate, I think it's possible that you may have to get tough enough to say "I'm going through with this alone" and then go....and let the chips fall where they may. You don't get alone with your mother well and it seems you'd be damned if you do and damned if you don't no matter what. Follow your heart on this one.
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If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133134 - 01/19/08 05:44 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: ladyjane]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Your so right, I have always been damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I will go by myself, I'm determined although she may come up with an excuse not to watch my dog or make things difficult trying to get her way.
Thanks,
Kate

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#133135 - 01/19/08 05:46 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
Sherri Offline
Member

Registered: 03/12/04
Posts: 1177
Loc: Decatur, Illinois
Kate,

After reading your thread I just wanted you to know I totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes you have to use some tough love and do what you feel is right in your heart. I also understand about someone watching your precious pet! Good luck and go for it!
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#133136 - 01/19/08 06:31 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Sherri]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
There used to be airlines that provide free airfare if you accompany cargo. If you were to sign up for a trip like that, your mom couldn't go. I had a co-worker that used the program to visit some relatives in England. That was 25 years ago...things were different. I don't even know if they still do it. Just a thought.

You need to go, and go alone, for your own reasons. Your mom would like to go, for whatever reasons. Could you go, and her join you later, after you've made clear your boundaries. The ashes are yours to handle as you desire, but ask yourself, what would your dad be thinking if he were watching your actions and privy to your thoughts right now. Make him proud.

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#133137 - 01/19/08 08:16 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: gims]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
My Dad would want me to go alone. He knows what my Mom is like. I don't want to join her later as I don't get along with her. I can only tolerate her for two hours max. When she is around other people she embarrasses me so much as she talks about stuff she knows nothing about and argues with people. She even argued with my Dad's Danish friend about Denmark. She told him about a custom there and he is from there. He said that is not the way it is and she told him he was wrong.

She is extremely negative. I have tried to help her sell some of her things (my Dad's family heirlooms) as she won't give any of them to me, now or when she goes. When the auction people came over, two different companies, she called me up at work to tell me what "stupid idiots they were" her words, and there were more of them.

Then I sent over a person who may be interested in some of the medical supplies of my Dad's, they were stupid idiots also as they didn't buy anything. I was given a long discription of how they dressed, simply awful, what they said, idiots etc. This is what she is like. I can't stand negative talk about people (now I'm doing it myself)

She told me that my Dad's parents sent him over to Canada to get rid of him. That is what she thinks of his family.
She also told me on his death bed, we were both standing beside him that he never spent any time with me when I was younger. My Dad was comatose, but I knew he could hear her.
I was horrified. I adored my Dad and she did everything she could to turn me against him. Negative hurtful stuff.

I can't go on this trip with her. Why she thinks my Dad's family would want her there is beyond me as she always put them down. My Dad would be proud of me if I stuck to my guns and finally stood up to her as both of us have not been able to. She can be a real bully.
Kate

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#133138 - 01/19/08 08:22 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
Things seem clear in your mind. If I were you and things were that clear to me, I'd go for it. (Sometimes you sound like you're talking about my mom, so I understand, thoroughly.)

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#133139 - 01/20/08 03:59 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: gims]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Thanks for allowing me to vent. I have been quite negative, I realize that but I'm working through something. This grief thing is a process and it is often not pretty. Unresolved issues from the past come up and unfortunately for me, the issues are with my Mom. Still, I want to go alone on my trip, that has not changed.

What I need to work on and I did that today, is why I allow my Mom to push my buttons and I think I figured out why.

When she makes rude or negative comments or hurts my feelings, I grind my teeth, but don't say anything to her. This in turn makes me angry at her. I should see it another way and I am now. Instead of getting angry at her, I should tell her how I feel. Not in a nasty way, but in an honest way. She will make a big scene as she does not like to be challenged, but then that will be her choice.

My frustration and anger towards her is the problem. It's a problem because instead of standing up for myself I back down and then feel resentful.

All my life my Mom has been a bit of a bully. She says the meanest things and I have taken it. She isn't all bad of course, but she is childish and has often been jealous of me especially in my youth. She would critisize me instead of building me up. Over the years she has said some very hurtful things for no reason other than her insecurity.

Everyone in my family including some of my parents friends have let her get away with basically getting her way. To keep the peace my Dad and I would just take what she threw at us. Peace came at a big price though.

So, now I am going to try really hard to stand up to her. I will be firm and kind, but I will tell it like it is. eg. Boyfriend situation. Because my current boyfriend is part black she has said to me that she never wants to hear his name, she never wants to meet him and he is never welcome, ever in her house. In the past I have never mentioned him in conversation. But I think I may bring him up from now on when it is relevant to the conversation. Eg. If we are going somewhere or if he is coming out to visit. He lives 5 hours away. I don't think I should act like he doesn't exist just because she has decided that she doesn't want to hear about him.

I hope this isn't too long but I wanted to explain that there is a reason why I have been struggling with the decision to go on my trip alone. I think I need to make this journey so I can move forward.
Kate

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#133140 - 01/20/08 04:16 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
Happy Birthday Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Kate, I'm sorry I did not get involved with this thread (purely my personal...) but this I have to respond to: "Boyfriend situation. Because my current boyfriend is part black she has said to me that she never wants to hear his name, she never wants to meet him and he is never welcome, ever in her house. In the past I have never mentioned him in conversation." In my opinion, this makes it all about HER and her needs/wants, and not about you, and IMHO it is about time you establish what you need/want. PL

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#133141 - 01/20/08 04:22 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Princess Lenora]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Yes! I'm 51 for goodness sakes. And yes, it is usually all about her. If you don't do what she says, agree with her etc. then your out!

I'm working on finally growing up (when it comes to her) and establishing what I need.
thanks,
Kate

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#133142 - 01/20/08 06:54 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
Happy Birthday Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Good for you. Peace and freedom will eventually come to you. And you can be the authentic person you are meant to be without self-serving interference from her.
This will be yet another path on a journey you seem to be taking last year, into this year. Much love and light to you along the way. PL

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#133143 - 01/20/08 08:46 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Princess Lenora]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
kb,

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#133144 - 01/20/08 12:15 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: gims]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Sooooo, Kate? GO FOR IT!! What do you really have to lose?? Take your grown up freedom and exercise it. We're rooting for you!!!!
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If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133145 - 01/20/08 02:49 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: ladyjane]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Kate
i have thought deeply before posting.Do you have to go to Denmark this year? Can you give yourself time and see how things evolve? Seems to me that we all do things when grieving thinking we must act sooner rather than later. You could visit Denmark (maybe with your Mother maybe not) but keep the ashes for a time when it will allow peace for you.
the act you are to perform deserves to be done in grace and then it will help you heal.
Forgive me if I say something that offends you.
Mountain ash

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#133146 - 01/20/08 07:11 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Mountain Ash]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
No offence taken Mountain Ash. Your suggestion of waiting to go to Denmark is a good one. I will think about it. I am still in denile quite a bit so thought the trip and spreading the ashes would allow me to really say good bye.

You give me something to think about.

Gimster: love the audience clapping, gave me a chuckle.
Kate

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#133147 - 01/20/08 08:05 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Kate
your tribute of the ashes should be cathartic and although painful be an experience to treasure. Battling with your mother would take some of this from you.(Even if she did not come she would be sitting on your shoulder.)
family dynamics are complicated and you need some time to move forward.
I think you are doing marvellously.After all its early days.

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#133148 - 01/20/08 11:33 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Mountain Ash]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Travel, in and of itself, can be cathartic. Kate, you'll be so busy having fun that most of the time you won't even think about your mother. Don't deny yourself this trip because you know your mother will be impossible when you get back -- if you deny yourself something that means so much to you, then she's already won and will forever strangle you.

Remove the noose. And find someone else to care for your dog, so you don't have to tell your mother you're going until after it's fait accompli.
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#133149 - 01/20/08 11:46 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Mountain Ash]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I'm going to do some thinking about when to make the trip.
My Mom called me today for another reason but brought up my trip. She said she had called a person in Denmark to tell them about my Dad's passing. She said they asked her when she was going to come over for a visit. I find that hard to believe as she has never visited these particular people before. Sometimes she plays games with me (her way of communicating without really coming out and saying what she means). Anyway she said she may go over in the summer and she told me they said April (when I had planned to go) was the nicest time of year to visit.

My parents went over every year for years so she knows what the weather is like. Just wondering, how would you take this. Is this her way of saying that she knows I want to go on my own. Or was she waiting for me to say something because she wants to go when I go.

I said I don't know when I am going now as I don't even have my passport yet and that takes months. There are big line ups due to the new laws with travelling to the US.

I just wondered (even though you don't know my mother) where she may be coming from with this. I am unsure.
Unfortunatly there is a communication problem between my Mom and myself. She often beats around the bush leaving me guessing about what she means. This is one of the reasons why I have a hard time communicating with her.

My Mom in a nutshell: If you agree with everything she says you are in her good books. If you disagree she can't handle it and gets really angry. She will refuse to talk about the subject and will leave the room, house etc. in a huff. Not the easiest person to talk to. My Dad and I would agree to disagree and laugh about it, my Mom can't handle it at all if you have a different opinion and she will refuse to talk to you further. Then she stops calling me and gives me the silent treatment, usually for a week or more. I always talk to her in a respectful way, never raise my voice, always try to get along with her. What I do if I can't handle her anger is to go really quiet or change the subject and then leave. Not the best but I can't get anywhere with her unless I do or say what she wants.

I am trying to take the high road with this situation.
Kate

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#133150 - 02/04/08 07:08 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Two months after my Dad's passing, my 81 year old mother is going on a date.
This guy has been interested in her for the past year. They go to the same seniors activity centre. He found out that she lost her husband so he asked her out for coffee the other day. She called me to tell me about it saying she wasn't sure if she should go. She usually plays games so this was her way of finding out what I would say.
I told her he is not asking for her hand in marriage, just coffee and maybe his intentions are just for companionship.

The loyal daughter to my Dad thinks one thing and my logical mind thinks another. The daughter mind thinks this is awful, how can she even think about going out with someone so soon after my Dad died.
The logical mind, or if I step outside the daughter role I see that she has been very lonely for a long time as my Dad was sick and tired of her nagging and basically wanted little to do with her.

What do others think about this? Can anyone relate? I know she wants to and I know she is interested even though she says she isn't as she started telling me stuff about him that obviously she found out from others.

Then there is the fact that she is sharing with me about a new man in her life, possibly, and I can't talk about my boyfreind because she doesn't approve of our relationship as his skin colour is too dark. I am not allowed to talk to her about him and she never wants to meet him.

Oh well, I will of course take the high road again. I am thinking ahead here about Christmas and stuff, how will I handle having to get used to my Mom with another man. The thought of it makes me uncomfortable.
Kate

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#133151 - 02/05/08 03:39 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
Happy Birthday Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hi Kate, wow, there's some kind of unfairness to drawing you into her dating agenda. What do you mean by you will "take the high road" again? Hey, it's only February, no need to worry about Christmas! xxoo

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#133152 - 02/05/08 07:09 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Princess Lenora]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
What I meant by the high road was not getting into it with her. Not being the same as her, basically telling her that I don't want to meet her boyfriend like she is doing to me.

I wouldn't treat her the same way she is treating me in other words.
Kate

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#133153 - 02/05/08 08:33 AM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: katebcca]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Kate, that’s good if you can learn from your mother’s mistakes. So in a way she has taught you what not to do.

As for your mother going out for a coffee with a friend, I think that’s wonderful. She needs friends now, whether male or female, it doesn’t matter. Be glad that she isn’t just depending on you, but instead is looking out for herself. I would support it, and just be happy for her. Life is so short.

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#133154 - 02/05/08 12:51 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Edelweiss]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Kate, this is one area where I wouldn't go. If she can make new friends, either male or female, all the better. As you've said, your mom and dad never had much of a marriage, so she's ready to do something more. At her age, a new man may be good for the situation...who knows? My dad moved on very quickly also...and it's been the best thing for him.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#133155 - 02/05/08 04:38 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: ladyjane]
Casey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
She's 81. When I'm 81 I'm going to KNOW how short life is...

I agree, just listen and nod a lot. :-))
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Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

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#133156 - 02/05/08 06:06 PM Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem [Re: Casey]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Yes life is short and after all she is 81, but I'm sure she will live until 100 or more. She is quite well preserved.

If this wasn't my mother I would say under the circumstances to go for coffee with a gentleman who asks you, if you want to that is.

But it is my mother and after only being a widow for 2 months it kind of bothers me, buy only out of loyalty for my Dad.

Their relationship was not a good one and if my Dad were in the same situation, he may do the same thing, who knows.

Judging is never a good thing.

I told my Mom to go out for coffee with him and didn't let her know how I felt. I do feel though that she should share this kind of thing with her friends not me. I'm still very much the grieving daughter.

After all, I still can't even go to their apartment. One minute your Dad goes, in a blink of an eye, and next your Mom is out there on the dating scene.

Kind of fast for me.
Kate

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#133158 - 02/28/08 04:35 AM Re:loss of my father has brought up some questions [Re: ]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Lately since my father died I have been thinking alot about where we go when we die. My biggest concern when my father passed was where he was going, will he be safe, happy etc. This must be so difficult for parents who lose young children as the need to protect is so strong when they are young.

Anyway, I was discussing an article with my Seventh Day Pastor brother. You may know something about their beliefs. In a nut shell they believe that when we die that's it. We are dead, cease to exist. We stay that way until Christ comes again to start a new world, then we are awoken. My brother told me that the spirit in us is God's breath and that when we die it leaves us. Just like a light bulb, when it goes out that's it. As a light bulb needs electricity, we need God's breath to keep us alive.

Then what is a soul, what is it's purpose? I always believed that we are a spirit in the form of a body, that our body is just a vehicle. I am struggling with this concept.

Now, I do not like my brother's version. It is not very comforting for me to think that my father no longer exists in any form. He says if my father could look down on me it would not be fair to him to watch me in moments where I grieve, am sad or suffering. He says God would not do this as it would be unfair. I have searched the bible for scripture talking about this topic and it appears that the bible does say we just go to sleep.

There is a story in the bible about Lazarus and how Jesus brings him back to life. He says he is going to wake him up, he doesn't say he is going to call him down from heaven. There is no comment from Lazarus as to where he came from. He does not say what heaven was like, where he was etc. I don't believe he says anything. This is a sign to me that if you believe the bible, you do not believe in an after life or Lazarus would have provided proof. He would have said what it was like, or would he?

It appears that most of you have a different opinion of what really happens when we die. Some believe in reincarnation, some don't. We personally and religiously have very different ideas of what happens when we die. Where do we get these ideas from?

I believe that we are not meant to know where we came from or where we are going. If we knew, maybe more people would commit suicide to escape this world, many others would live life to the fullest if they believed that this is it, that they only had one shot at it.

I believe that I have had a few experiences that are unexplainable, but they do tell me that there is a spirit world. My beliefs are being tested.

One thing that really stands out for me personally is that the earth is only one of hundreds or maybe thousands of planets. The universe goes on forever.
How can we think we are the only ones that exist? That there is nothing else. What are all of these planets for, why do they exist. How do we explain the fact that some people see ghosts?

Maybe it's because I don't want to believe the reasoning my brother believes. That is a possibility, but I have to trust my own instincts. I think we all do.
Kate

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#133159 - 02/28/08 08:12 AM Re:loss of my father has brought up some questions [Re: katebcca]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Dear Kate, I never thought it would be like this; but the older I get, the more I question. So you aren’t alone on probing your beliefs. I majored in philosophy. Aristotle and all the rest of those brilliant Greek philosophers always fascinated me.

I think the difference in me now, and say about 30 years ago is that I listen to myself more. We don’t choose where we were born, and what religion influences us in our lives. It’s all by chance that we believe one way or another. What if you were raised with no belief, and had no outside influence touching you mind? What would you think then?

I think we would look at nature, and use that to answer some of our questions. For me a tree is a symbol of life, that lives on through it’s seeds. When it dies, it fertilizes the earth, to nourish other trees, and on and on it goes. I don’t think we really ever die. We change in our functions, but like everything on this planet, we too have a cycle. I have no idea if I’m quoting some known religion. These are truly my own thoughts. I find comfort in nature, and I trust it. Maybe all we should do is live and let live, don’t question too much, for know one has THE answer. I love to believe there is a God, a father for all of us. But maybe this God is in form of nature. I do believe in good, and that good sows more good.

I think you are on something there about committing suicide. If we all knew how great it would be to be dead, then bye-bye world. So this instinctive fear of death must have its reasons. Not because death is horrible; but because it may be so wonderful.

Where your father is? Dear Kate, I’m sure such questions are more pronounced when mourning. He is in your heart, your memories and lives on through you. You can call upon him anytime you want, and you can find peace knowing he is at peace as well. In that I truly believe.

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#133160 - 02/28/08 06:53 PM Re:loss of my father has brought up some questions [Re: Edelweiss]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Kate,
I've known folks that have dated after being widowed only 2 weeks. That seems to be the trend around here. I don't agree. But that's what they're doing. I've even known some that have gone on dates while their spouse was alive and in a nursing home. So I guess, your mom isn't quite that crude. I know! She's your mom! Most of us look at our folks' from a different perspective than what we view those to which we're not related. I suppose that's human nature! Good luck with your momma's, situation!

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#133161 - 02/28/08 09:02 PM Re:loss of my father has brought up some questions [Re: jabber]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I understand it and she isn't doing anything about it anyway. She turned down the offer, just not ready. I really think it depends on your situation, if you were close to your spouse etc. Also, if you require companionship. I think any children, adult or not find it difficult to accept that their parent would even think about dating after their spouse passes on.

That said, I would like my Mom to be happy so would accept it eventually. She has talked more about it and said she is not interested. Maybe he is not the right person, or maybe she prefers her woman friends. It's a personal choice.

I don't think she is crude. I have actually let go of most of my anger towards her. I am currently reading a book on losing a parent when you are an adult and it says anger is normal. Sometimes it is anger at the remaining parent, sometimes it is at the doctor, another family member etc. It's all a stage in the process of healing. I did not want to be angry with my Mom and have managed to work through most of it. Thank goodness. I do not want to feel guilty when she goes as it will be too late to do anything about it. I have no regrets when it comes to my Dad, and I don't want to have any when my Mom goes.
Kate

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#133162 - 03/06/08 03:58 PM Re:loss of my father has brought up some questions [Re: katebcca]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Kate, mind sharing the title of the book?
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#133163 - 03/14/08 04:55 AM Re:loss of my father has brought up some questions
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Sorry Dotsie, I have been away from the board for a while now. Catching up on work and I've been in a slump, getting better though.

The book is called " How to Survive the Loss of a Parent, A Guide for Adults"
by Lois F. Akner. C.S.W with Catherine Whitney.
It was printed in the US in 1993. I got it from a thrift shop and it was a great find. Very comforting.
Kate

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