Kate, I am so sorry that I have not responded and sent my condelences and prayers to you earlier. You have both from me.

Please don't let the material goods taint your memories in any way. Your relationship with your father was good and in the end, that's all that really matters. Time will most likely sort all of this out.

Again, I am sorry that you have lost your best friend - your father. Peace be with you.

I don't plan on fighting over anything. My Mom is not as sensitive as I am or nostalgic. My Dad's things do not mean the same to her. I get that.

She starting getting rid of his things the day he died. Went home straight from the hospital and started throwing things out. I am trying not to judge her for this. She may have been keeping busy trying to deal with her grief.

I don't hold on to things, and never have. In my grief I want my Dad's things for sentimental reasons but I know that having them will not bring him back.

I am just going to leave it and see what she does.

I remember my Dad telling me when his Mom was dying (his dad had already passed away) she would say "here come the vultures"
Some members of his family started taking things before she was even dead.

I don't want to ruin my relationship with my Mother. As it is now I barely tolerate her because she is so negative and critical. I don't want to feel any guilt when she goes so am trying to just let it go.
Kate

Kate,
You are very wise to let it be. By doing so, you are not only honoring your Daddy memories, but you are honoring yourself. What a good and wise heart you have.

Kate, I wouldn't touch it either if I were you. Everyone reacts differently in these situations. Memories are the best things to hang onto.

How are you doing with your grief? And how are your kids?

Kate, I don´t know you either..but you are a fellow boomer woman and a fellow human being..and I just want tell you that I am so sorry for your loss..but very very happy for you that you had/have such a wonderful father all these years..and that you can carry his love and strength and wisdom with you always...

lots of hugs!

Your right, memories are best to hold on too. We talked about it tonight, she brought it up and here is the problem.
My Mom is upset with me because she thinks I like my Dad better, plain and simple. I don't like him better, just got along with him better.

She is angry with me because she has made me many needle point pictures and I don't hang them in my house. Well I hang two of them even though they are not my taste. I've put away the others for my kids. She thinks I should hang all of them in my home. I like modern and abstract type paintings, her pictures are in my opinion arts and craft type pictures. It's not like she drew the pictures or painted them, she copied a pattern. I appreciate all the hard work but have told her not to make me anymore. How many can I hang up anyway. She wants my entire house to be full of her arts and crafts and it's not just pictures. It's knick knacks everything she makes.

So, the jealousy comes into it once again, I don't like her pictures, so I am not getting my Dads picture. That is how she thinks and I'm letting it go. My Mom told me she doesn't care about my Dad's things and has no attachment to them.

She accused me of wanting the only painting that is worth anything which is so not true. She doesn't even know if it is worth anything. I give up really and am just letting it go. It's just not worth it.

My kids are doing ok, thanks. I'm not doing too good but it has only been just over a week. I'm getting out and not isolating myself, I'm just really sad and wake up crying some nights. I have dreams where I am crying in my dreams and I wake myself up.

My biggest concern is that I wonder where my Dad is. In these later years our roles reversed and I became the parent, so I worry about him like a parent would worry about their child. I also miss him.

I will never, ever please my mother and never could. I have no idea why I let her get to me so much. She can make me so angry. I thought I let go of all the anger from my childhood. She was a very jealous, critical mother and put me down. Maybe it's time to do some work in this area.
Kate

I had a similar problem with my mother who used to get hurt and furious when I would refuse large food care packages from her. Then I clued in ..that food and cooking were signals of love from her to her children. It was a tangible thing that signalled the time and care she spent washing, cutting and packaging up veggies..for us to save time and prepare food. She also would give in food care pkgs., cut, frozen meat for us. I used to trudge home onto subway with loads of food. Rejection of her food really was like rejecting her love. The connection is very strong.

And my mother and father do not hug their children naturally. It's not part of their style of family or in their past. So other gestures, actions become very powerful symbols of giving and love in our family.

It bothered me because i earned a good salary and didn't need any parent to this for me. So instead I started to ask my mother for certain foods that clearly I knew she loved to make for us AND I didnt' know how/just didn't make myself. So homemade sticky rice bundles wrapped in bamboo leaves and tied with string, etc.

Is there something, kate that your mother does for you, that you truly enjoy from her? There must be....she loves you. I find it hard to believe there is nothing. Maybe it's something she used to do for you regularily but no longer does.

My mother took wonderful care of my children when they were small. She was a great grandmother and she helped me out alot when I went back to school after my separation. She doesn't know how to relate to teenagers though, didn't know how to relate to me either.

She also said tonight that my Dad wanted everything to go to my brother (the child that never visits) because I wouldn't take care of anything. I find that hard to believe. She said it to hurt me because, she thinks I love my Dad more than her. I can't find any other reason for her insensitivity.

My Mom gives with strings attached and I hate that. She is also a martyr. She is critical, prejudice and judgmental of everyone, and I mean everyone including me.

She wouldn't allow my Dad's friends to the house. She didn't like either the wife or the husband. My Dad had to wheel himself across the street in his wheel chair to visit with one of his good friends as he stood up to her one day so she banned him from the house. Then she tells everyone my Dad has no friends. That's because she wouldn't allow him to have friends. Yes he is a big boy but wanted to keep the peace. He paid a very large price for that. For the past five years while he was in a wheel chair she made his life miserable because she was miserable.

She won't allow my boyfriend to come near her house and refuses to meet him. She told me never to speak of him, why, because he is of a mixed race.

Of course she has her good points, everyone does. If I ever needed money, my car fixed etc. she was right there. Although I would have to hear about it later. She is good in many ways. I know she loves me in her own way although she doesn't know how to show it like some people. She is not affectionate either and has never in her entire life told me she loved me.

Kate

Can see why you want distance from your mother for awhile. She does sound quite difficult to deal with as a person.

I hope for better days between you and her one day.

kb, are you sure you haven't been reading my diary?