Although my Mom is difficult and not the kind of person I would have as a friend she is still my Mom. I'm in the anger phase of grief. It's easier to be mad at her then to continue being sad. I must focus on the positive, the wonderful memories I have of my Dad. My Mom is who she is and I don't have to like it. But there is nothing I can do about it. I learned along time ago that the only person you can change is yourself.

She came over tonight as I think she is trying to be closer to me. She told me she feels nothing, doesn't seem to miss my Dad in the least. I of course have a problem with this and don't understand how she can feel this way as I miss my Dad so much.

My parents did not get along and I wouldn't be surprised if she just felt some relief. I do worry though that she is not dealing with his death at all and it may come back to bite her one day soon. Or maybe not. Who knows.

Although she has said some terrible things to me I know in her own weird way that she does love me. I need to make peace with her as one day she will leave too and I don't want to feel any regrets or feel guilty.

I do have to have boundaries with her though as the way she feels about my boyfriend is just wrong. She has never even met him, it's just the colour of his skin that is a problem for her. Saying she never wants to meet him, and that he is never to set foot in her house etc. is also her problem. I know at Christmas (not this year) but down the road if he is here she will refuse to come and that will be her choice. I am not going to cater to her. I know there will be some difficult times ahead but I will take the high road as I don't want to be like her in that way. I let her control me as a young person, but I will not let her control me now.

It's too bad, but that is the way things are.
Kate

kate,
If more people had your sound reasoning, and forgiving heart, their lives would be so much better. You've found a place inside where you can put everything into perspective and see it for what it is, and still love. That's very rare. I know others reading your post will be inspired by it, just as I was. You are not only handling your personal grief, but you are making room at the same time to allow your Mom to just be the person she is...and doing so with love. You are amazing. I know your Daddy is looking down on your with a proud heart.

Dear Kate,
Sorry about your dad. I lost mine a long time ago but still
think of him daily. I have pictures of him in nearly every room of my house. There's something special about that daughter, dad bond. The same is true for grandparents and grandkids. Those are special bonds. Prayers and blessings
to you Kate!!!

Thank you Jaw Jaw. I have been told more than once that I have the patience of Job.

I learned through counselling, and I've been to many courses, that every negative thought or action comes back to you. That not forgiving only hurts you. This is so true. I remember when I first left my abusive cheating ex husband I was so angry but the anger I had did not affect him at all, only me. So, I forgave him and my life has been so much better for it. I have to be clear that I forgave him, I did not forget because we need to protect ourselves from further abuse.

I have a pleasant relationship with him now for the sake of my kids, but my guard will always be up when it comes to him.

This goes for my Mom too. I forgive her but don't forget as I have to keep my boundaries with her in order to protect my spirit (soul)

Some people think by forgiving that we are saying the abuse or whatever is ok. I disagree, forgiving just means you've let go of the hurt and pain and by doing so find inner peace. I acknowledge that the person is who they are and are on their own journey. They will have to deal with their behaviour in their own way.

As for my Mom. She has to deal with herself and I know that she is not a happy person inside. Instead of anger I am trying to be accepting of her letting her deal with her own issues or not if she chooses not to.

Bonnierose, that is very true about father's and daughter bonds. I now have pictures all over my house too and believe that my Dad is with me, I just can't see him at the moment.
As in part of this poem, "Death is nothing at all I have only slipped away into the next room"

Kate

Kate, don't mean to change the subject but that is one of the cutest dog I have ever seen. What kind is it?

Well, Kate, I am so sorry for you losing your dad and not having your mother be supportive, caring, or compassionate. You sound like a very insightful woman. It's so sad when we have to create walls or put our guard up to protect ourselves from the cruelty of others. And as for what Chatty asked above, consider the source, she's seen a lot of dogs, and she says yours is the cutest!

Kate, you are so wise. Your post reminds me that I am launching a contest this week and I hope you'll enter it. It has to do with lessons we've learned through the years.

Chatty,
My dog is a mix between a Chinese Hairless (there are two types one has hair one does not)
My dogs mother had no hair, accept on her feet, ears and tail.
The Dad was a Maltese. She is a wonderful little dog and is quite and sweet. But, she doesn't care for dogs, as she prefers cats. I have three.
Her hair gets really long. I had just cut it all off before this photo. She looks cute here, like a little lamb but when her hair is long she looks like some kind of hairy beast especially when she bares her teeth, only when a dog has the nerve to sniff her.The Chinese Hairless can have a mean streak.
I have always had large dogs with even temperments so she was a challenge when out in the park with other dogs. I have to explain to the other dog owners about her personality. Very embarassing and the other dogs in the park just want to say hi to her, she just growls.
She is my little girl though, spoiled, sleeps in my bed and loves blankets so she has one on the couch, on the bed etc.
Can you tell my children are teenagers now and I feel the need to nurture:-)The dog is now my baby. My kids tell me I am going to be one of those weird old ladies that has 50 cats and dogs. They are probably right. I feed all the ferral cats, find homes for the ones I can catch, feed the racoons (I have four that come to my house everynight and practically knock on the door), the squirrels etc. I just love animals.
Kate

I just have to add this story. In the 90's in my husband's "other life" he had a raccoon from the time it was a baby. It lived in his garage...he had an upstairs band room (for his band at the time) and the raccoon had many comforts there. Then he went in the house. He talks now about how the raccoon would get into the silverware drawer at night and all the noise he'd make! He lived in a rural setting so the raccoon could be free and learn how to live in the wild but always came home daily. After a while, the raccoon started staying away for longer periods and my husband would catch sight of him now and then. I guess he felt the call of the wild and moved on for a mate, etc. But the stories and photos are hilarious!!

Anne, I can try. His "other life" photos have been gone through and I don't know what/how much he has saved in the process, but I'll ask.