I totally "get" about you not being able to say good-bye. Crying and grieving was the final good-bye in my eyes and I couldn't take that step. It meant I accepted in my heart and soul AND in my brain, (logically) that he was gone. I couldn't take that step. But eventually, I did. I too thought there was something wrong with ME because everyone else was grieving openingly, and I wasn't...the daughter who was closest to him in many ways, wasn't crying. I felt like in a way I was betraying his death by not mourning.

In reality, I was holding on to him the only way I knew how to do it. Subconsciously.

IT IS ALL OKAY. Whatever you do, however you do it. It is all okay. When my 98-year old grandmother died, one of my sisters said to me as I cried, "Try to cry silently." I told her point blank....Don't EVER tell me how to grieve. She never has since then.

There are no standards for grieving. Only your hearts.

And you make my heart sing when I read about your understanding and compassion for your Mother. She has her own life to live, make amends for and to, and things day in and day out she has to deal with. We cannot judge her any more than we would a total stranger who was married to a man and he died. We weren't there, didn't live it, so how could we know?

Your feelings toward her are so genuine and heartFULL. I love that. You are a very wise woman.

Katebecca
could you say "Bye... for now"
I agree with everyone here.We all grieve but do so differently.
Love Mountain ash

That's an idea. I will try to do that, bye for now.

Not going to be easy though. I guess I have to go with whatever works for me from day to day.

I do plan to take his ashes with me to Denmark in April. Maybe then I can say good bye, hopefully.
Kate

What a page of insights into grief over Dads. It has me so choked up. My Mom passed away 2 1/2 years ago and my Dad is still living. I was visiting with him just yesterday on what would have been my Mom's birthday. I am so close to him. When I've hated men (for whatever reason at the time)I've always said they're all horrible...except my Dad. He's the most honest man, full of integrity and we're so close. All that, to say that this particular page of posts has me realizing that he won't always be here. Seeing him grow older and more frail panics me inside. Thank you for a reminder to cherish him while I can.

Oh yes, cherish him while you can. My Dad went so suddenly. Even though he was 82 with one leg amputated he was fine. I just had him out with me shopping a few days before he died.

Sounds funny due to his age, but he was doing great and showed no signs at all that this was going to happen.

I do feel comfortable with the fact that I did spend alot of time with him though, so no guilt.

I am going to have some guilt with my Mom if I don't let go of the anger I have towards her. My Dad's death has reminded me that she won't be around forever either. I have some work to do.
Kate

When Daddy's die, little Girls Grow Up. I was his little Cowgirl, now I'm just a woman with a horse. Due to circumstance I was his protector & he mine. When momma died, I was just an adult orphaned little girl who became a woman without her Very best Friend. Grief, there's no right or wrong way to feel it, deal with it & I doubt we ever really get past it, it just gets less intense with the passage of time. Cherish parents while you have them, give them the benefit of doubt, Treasure every memory it helped make us who we are.
QB

Quote:

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My Dad had a go with the flow attitude, my Mom tends to be bitter and gets stressed out really quickly. I had a wonderful loving relationship with my Dad, she did not. I find this quite sad but only they know what went on in their marriage and it is not for me to know.

Also she has been through this many times. With her parents, a couple of her brothers (in the war) and other close people in her life. This is my first experience with losing a loved one in my adult life (lost my grandparents as a teen)
This is also the most devastating experience for me. I love my Mom but she is a prickly person. She holds on to the past and then brings it up constantly. My Dad was a real calm person and easy to talk to. If we disagreed with each other we would laugh about it and agree to disagree. My Mom gets all huffy if you disagree with her because she always has to be right.

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I quite agree Kate that a child can never truly know how a parents' marriage is transformed over time.

My parents are still very much alive. In some ways the temperment of your father and mother is similar to mine. Yes, my mother does nag everyone, including father. And it truly amazes me (and siblings), that now it's just the 2 of them at home, that he has extreme patience to deal with her...and yea, just goes with the flow.

My only hope that I know my mother's resentment isn't him, and I believe my father knows this but more how she feels about herself. I do know that she knows she is extremely lucky to have been matched with a kind, patient and hardworking guy like my father. (My mother was a picture bride. My parents only wrote to each other for a few months between China and Canada.)

So I do consider their marriage and..the end result of us...as a family....not to bad in the end.

As I have said months ago, perhaps the greatest compliment to my father, is that his daughters have subconsciously selected their spouses/partners who have similar temperments as my father.

My heart goes out to all of you who are greiving. Grieve as you wish, not according to others standards. Every relationship we have is so different so how can thier be a certain way to grieve the loss of that relationship?

As far as saying goodbye, I don't think we need to do that. I say, "until we meet again" because we will. This is a temporary loss that will begin again when we pass and see all that have gone before us. And I belive it will be a sweet meeting that will last for all eternity.

Orchid: My only hope that I know my mother's resentment isn't him, and I believe my father knows this but more how she feels about herself. I do know that she knows she is extremely lucky to have been matched with a kind, patient and hardworking guy like my father.

Response:
My mother's resentment was my Dad. She did not appreciate
him at all and treated him like a child. She doesn't get it that it takes too. In her mind my Dad is responsible for all of her stress, problems etc. Although my Dad was wonderful to me, over time he did not really appreciate or want much to do with my Mom. Her nagging turned him off and he just couldn't deal with her anymore. I couldn't blame him at all. She drove me crazy because every time I would talk to her she would complain about my Dad. Just stupid things. He is always on the computer, he makes a mess of her kitchen floor when he goes by in his wheel chair etc. etc.

She had much to resent him for but unfortunately for her, she was hurting herself by hanging on to the resentments. In the early years he did not manage money well and they actually lost their house. He hid some things from her but that was because she would never just talk about things, it had to be her way, all the time. My Mom is the type that likes to complain but not do anything about it. She has a victim type personality.

I think I know my Mom very well now and I understand her feelings of relief. I do worry about her though. I don't think she is really dealing with his death. She is actually confused by mine and others reactions and the terribly grief we are feeling. Because she is moving on she thinks we all should. I think she just shuts herself down.

I'm one to talk though. I am in a bit of denial myself. I can't go to their apartment because I don't want to face the fact that he is not there. The difference between my Mom and I is that I work at these things. She just blocks it all out which is possibly going to give her a stroke.

I learned a long time ago that you can't change anyone, only yourself.
Kate