I am learning slowly how to accept my mother. She seems fragile now since my Dad is gone. Not really bitter like usual.

I like your thoughts on all that she did do. Although her way is not to my liking all the time (prickly) she did do many things for me that I am thankful for.

The one thing being taking wonderful care of my children when I left an abusive marriage so I could go back to school. She went above and beyond providing wonderful care for them. I got to go to school without worrying about them which was very comforting. They were still in diapers. You can never fault her care giving skills with children. Recently she took care of some little kids in her building for new immigrants as they trusted her. She took on twins under a year and a 2 year old while the mother went to school. At the age of 80.

I think part of the problem for me is that I have not let go of some things from my past. Things that she did, said to me and I need to do that.

Also, my focus had been on the marriage and feeling sorry for my Dad and I need to stay out of that and focus on my relationship with my mother.

Maybe my Dad went first so I can deal with this.

I have a long way to go but am trying to see her for who she is, and focus on the good, not the annoying. This is not easy at times.
Kate

I just got back on line and am terribly saddened by your loss, Katebcca. My mom died decades ago and my dad only 5 years ago. Some days I grieve as though I just lost him. I don't talk about it often because I was devastated, lost a good job, went on antidepressants for 6 months, and still feel lost without his presence in my life. It was too much to bear.

Kate, I wasn't sure whether or not to share my own experience, but after what happened today I almost cannot. I'll try to keep it short so won't go into all the history. Suffice to say that my lifelong relationship with my Mom was fraught with prickles and frustration. It was only after years of therapy that I was able to co-exist with her and not see her as my mortal enemy. After Dad died, my brother, husband and I became her caregivers and spent a great deal of time with her. Things were a little better, but only when someone else was in the room with us. If we were alone, she knew exactly what buttons to push and didn't hesitate to provoke me into yet another bitter exchange, despite my best attempts to "not go there".

Then she died. Six years ago. Kate, I cannot tell you how much of my pain over the past few years has come from regret, because it's only in hindsight that I've been able to look past all the glaring hurting and bitter pricklies and see all the WONDERFUL things my Mom DID do for/with me. Today the flashbacks were coming fast and furious - birthday trips, just-because gifts, countless sacrifices she made for me - it was overwhelmingly wonderful, sad, bewildering and painful to realize just how blinded I had been by my fear/resentment of her to be able to see all the good things about her and the wonderful things we did manage to do together throughout our lifetime.

I wept for a long time today, so saddened by so much time wasted in anger and prickly co-existence - I know I can't go back and change anything, but if I could, I would nudge myself past all of those prickly bushes and button-pushing provocations and just HUG HER and tell her I love her, and do everything in my power to befriend her.

I know, oh how I know, how impossible it seemed when she was still alive - and even her death does not minimize all of the hurt and irreparable damage that she really did inflict throughout my life - but I would still make an effort to move myself past that and see the good stuff too and try to love her as much as she would allow me to.

It's not easy, and don't set yourself up for more injury if that's what will happen, but it might end up being as much for your inner health and well-being to try and move beyond your past and love her while she's still alive to love. I don't know if my Mom would have allowed our relationship to change even if I could have gone in with the insight that I have now, but I know now that it would be better for ME if I had at least tried.

My heart and prayers continue to be with you day and night.

Thank you so much Eagle Heart for sharing.

You know, although death is so sad, and these posts make it clear to me that all of us at some time have to go through this there is a postive.

The sharing, the caring is magical. I think our wonderful lost loved ones are looking down on us and smiling. We are learning and growing and through our pain helping each other. How special is that.
Kate

I care for each of you ladies who is opening up...the idea of remembering who did the night time feeds...I will remember.In my case it was my Grandmother..apart from very early days.In adoption there must be similar issues to mine.The birth mother and the devoted carer. I seperate the nature nurture and work it from there.Complicated I know.
Can I ask those of you who are grieving how often you think of the lost person.Do days go by when you dont?As I have grown older I visit the past often..for laughter..as well as sadness. In my mind I walk eound my childhood home and days...think about the meals and special things.Will there come a day when this wont happen.I never thought to ask my loved ones how they coped.
only answer if it does not upset you.
Mountain ash

MA, since most of the things around me (furniture, knick-knacks, photos on the walls, even some clothes) came from either Mom and/or Gary, it's impossible not to think of them constantly. Even this computer (including its beautiful 20" monitor) was a gift from Gary his last Christmas with us.

I'm only just starting to be able to ENJOY memories of Mom, and have tried focusing on the good, fun memories of Gary; but it's still too soon. My inner eye keeps refocusing on his last days, I can't get those pictures out of my head.

There are days when the agony of absence is not as overwhelming, in fact, more days are becoming "even", if you know what I mean - no roller-coasting. But conversely, I'm still not able to experience much joy either, though I surround myself with music, books, inspiration and outings that SHOULD bring enjoyment. Doesn't work too well, yet, but at least the will to laugh is there, so hopefully it won't be too long before the laughter follows the will!

I look forward to the time when "walking around my childhood home and days" brings more smiles and enjoyment than tearful reminders of all that's been lost too soon. Right now, everything good also carries a pang of anguish, not just for what's been lost, but for what wasn't asked, said or done at the time. Like you, I never thought to ask any of my loved ones too much about their lives...the loss of those opportunities and answers also weighs heavy sometimes, though I really am trying to focus only on the positive and good now.

I have a big problem. I plan to take my father's ashes back to Denmark. I want to go alone, well, just with him. We had talked many times about going with just each other, not my Mom but knew this would never be possible. My Mom takes up alot of oxygen and would be dragging us all over to places we would not want to go. It was just a pipe dream.

Now that my Dad is gone, I want to go to his homeland with him (his ashes) and see his country without my Mom. The other day we were both invited for a luncheon at a Danish friend of mine. She made special Danish food. This was very nice of her. Anyway, my Mom was doing most of the talking and saying things that were not true. Basically things I did when I was young, just basically recalling things from the past. A few times I couldn't listen to her tell things about me that were incorrect so I said, that is not really how I remember it. She got angry and said "You always contradict me" She said this more than a few times so finally I stood up and said I had to go.

The problem, I have been invited to relatives while over there and my father's very good friend. The friend told me that I am most welcome to stay but not my mother. When my father was alive, he tolerated her for my Dad's sake but wants nothing to do with her now. I don't blame him. She was very rude to his girlfriend and wouldn't allow her to come over and visit as they were sleeping together and she called this woman a slut. They are both in their 60's. This friend lived in our city for 8 years and recently moved back to Denmark.

Anyway, I know if my Mom goes she will ruin the trip for me. She will take over the entire visit and I won't get to visit with my relatives like I would on my own. She would also want to drag me to places she wants to go and show me Denmark through her eyes. She is not Danish and was born here. I don't want to see Denmark through her eyes.
Am I being terrible. Should I suck it up for her sake as she wants to come and spread the ashes. I don't think she is that interested in spreading the ashes, she just wants to go and show me everything and have it her way.

Today she mentioned coming with me and I said I didn't think you could afford or want to go. I told her that I guess I should have asked her. I also told her that I wanted to go on a last minute flight and also when I go away she takes care of my dog. Both my Dad and her like having the dog and part of the reason I got the dog was for my Dad. She usually stays over at their place once a week.

She got all offended and said "oh I guess I will just stay home and watch your dog so you can go" She is not a happy camper and I know that she is upset. She told me that she doesn't want me to go alone. I told her that I am fine going on my own and that I always travel on business by myself so she doesn't need to worry about that.

Anyway, I've offended her. I really don't want to go with her and would rather cancel going if she goes. I can't be honest with her and explain that this is something I want to do alone. She is very childish and would really get upset if I told her this. Any suggestions or feedback would be so helpful.
Kate

Kate, this is truly a sticky situation for you. I have mixed feelings but know that the two of you would be just miserable. I just read this and wanted to acknowledge you quickly. But I need time to mull this one over....and am interested what others can offer you for advice.

Is your mother able /healthy enough to travel by herself?

It is very meaningful for you to bring your ashes to his homeland, but is not possible this could be given to your mother if she goes alone? She is his wife, no matter what you think.

You need to ask yourself priorities when you visit Denmark --is it more to visit relatives and his good friend in memory of your father or delivering his physical ashes have equal parity/value?

Personally I would like to meet relatives and learn more stories about a loved parent who died. Talking about your father with others in a pleasant storytelling way, is a special type of memory and a visit to always remember for the rest of your life.

By offering the ashes to your mother to deliver/rest, puts the ball in her court ....by herself. Without her daughter beside her to do this task, to influence her feelings about how she feels about her husband in now.

I want to do this, bring the ashes. When my father passed away in the hospital I said to both my Mother and my brother that I want to go to Denmark as my father always wanted to go home. They never said they wanted to go.

I don't think (I could be wrong) that my mother really cares either way about the ashes. She suggested we just throw them in the ocean here. This is not what my Dad wanted so it is clear to me that she doesn't really have a need to do this, nor does she care to respect his wishes.

In her mind he is gone, in my mind I want to do this to honour his wishes and to say goodbye. She has already said her good byes. She is not affected by his death the way I am. A friend of hers told me that she cannot understand why this is so upsetting for me. She understands my being upset, but not how much. She just doesn't get it.

My Mom travels to the US by herself all the time. She likes to go shopping over there by herself and still does this twice a year.

I want to meet the relatives. I don't understand why she wants to go. All her life she has said my Dad's relatives are useless. She didn't like any of them. If we go together I won't get a word in edgewise and will never hear some of the stories that I want to hear.

I do understand about my offering her the task to spread the ashes. I also understand that he was her husband but they did not get along at all and she resented him. I don't think she wants to do this but I may be wrong.
Kate