Another thing. I don't know why she just doesn't go and visit my brother in the US and her new grandson who she has never met. I don't know why she wants to spend the money to visit people that she says she can't stand.

In my mind she wants to go with me so she can have control of the situation and show me around like she lives there. She pretends she is from there. Everyone she meets thinks she is Danish and she doesn't tell them any different. It's really weird because she says really awful things about my father's relatives but she puts on heirs and wants everyone to think she is from there. (she came from a really small town and was poor. My father was from a well to do family)

She wants to visit my Dad's friend as she always flirted with him when he lived here and she likes the attention. She has no idea that he doesn't want to see her. She keeps sending him emails and he ignores them. If I go with her, I won't get to visit with him and I want to.
Kate

Kate, my opinion would be to follow your heart - I can hear how very important this is to you, and I think that you just need to listen to your gut, your heart and your intuition and go with that - and be okay with going alone! Wanting to meet your relatives within the context of finding out more about your Dad is perfectly understandable. Again, IMHO, your Mom should try to understand that need in you and give you her blessing to go.

Is it possible that she doesn't really want to go, but might be playing yet another control/guilt game with you?

What if you compromised with her by asserting your intention to go to Denmark alone this time, but make plans to take another trip just with her, somewhere she'd like to go, like maybe one of those shopping trips?

Thanks Eagle Heart and you may be right about the control thing. She doesn't want me to have an experience without her around especially this one.

I would love to tell her that I want to go alone. Your idea about going somewhere else with her is a good one. I don't get along with her for long though so this may be a problem.

I can't visit with her for longer than a few hours. She is really negative.

Time to do some thinking on this one. Appreciate the feedback.
Kate

One thing that going alone might help with is "perspective" - you've been dealing with such a bombardment of negativity during this time of grief - I can tell you from experience that it would probably be a huge relief for you to get out of that negative environment and into one where you will find life, roots and perspective - and all of that will then help you to go back into your Mom's environment refreshed and rooted in what you gained from the journey.

I feel that way too, like I need the journey and that is why I want to go on my own.
My Mom has a thing about keeping up appearances. I think she feels that if I go alone it will look bad that she didn't go and spread his ashes.

The fact that I can't handle her for long periods of time is not the reason I don't want her to go. I don't want her to go because I need to do this on my own. I can't really explain it.

The problem is she will never understand, nor will she try to understand.
Kate

After reading others posts, Kate, I think it's possible that you may have to get tough enough to say "I'm going through with this alone" and then go....and let the chips fall where they may. You don't get alone with your mother well and it seems you'd be damned if you do and damned if you don't no matter what. Follow your heart on this one.

Your so right, I have always been damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I will go by myself, I'm determined although she may come up with an excuse not to watch my dog or make things difficult trying to get her way.
Thanks,
Kate

Kate,

After reading your thread I just wanted you to know I totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes you have to use some tough love and do what you feel is right in your heart. I also understand about someone watching your precious pet! Good luck and go for it!

There used to be airlines that provide free airfare if you accompany cargo. If you were to sign up for a trip like that, your mom couldn't go. I had a co-worker that used the program to visit some relatives in England. That was 25 years ago...things were different. I don't even know if they still do it. Just a thought.

You need to go, and go alone, for your own reasons. Your mom would like to go, for whatever reasons. Could you go, and her join you later, after you've made clear your boundaries. The ashes are yours to handle as you desire, but ask yourself, what would your dad be thinking if he were watching your actions and privy to your thoughts right now. Make him proud.

My Dad would want me to go alone. He knows what my Mom is like. I don't want to join her later as I don't get along with her. I can only tolerate her for two hours max. When she is around other people she embarrasses me so much as she talks about stuff she knows nothing about and argues with people. She even argued with my Dad's Danish friend about Denmark. She told him about a custom there and he is from there. He said that is not the way it is and she told him he was wrong.

She is extremely negative. I have tried to help her sell some of her things (my Dad's family heirlooms) as she won't give any of them to me, now or when she goes. When the auction people came over, two different companies, she called me up at work to tell me what "stupid idiots they were" her words, and there were more of them.

Then I sent over a person who may be interested in some of the medical supplies of my Dad's, they were stupid idiots also as they didn't buy anything. I was given a long discription of how they dressed, simply awful, what they said, idiots etc. This is what she is like. I can't stand negative talk about people (now I'm doing it myself)

She told me that my Dad's parents sent him over to Canada to get rid of him. That is what she thinks of his family.
She also told me on his death bed, we were both standing beside him that he never spent any time with me when I was younger. My Dad was comatose, but I knew he could hear her.
I was horrified. I adored my Dad and she did everything she could to turn me against him. Negative hurtful stuff.

I can't go on this trip with her. Why she thinks my Dad's family would want her there is beyond me as she always put them down. My Dad would be proud of me if I stuck to my guns and finally stood up to her as both of us have not been able to. She can be a real bully.
Kate