Hi Ladies,
I am sorry for your loss and this Christmas I plan to invite anyone I can find that is on their own for dinner. I hope you find a way to be with family or friends.

Question: My Dad recently passed away. My Mom does not seem to be bothered by it at all. She packed up all of his things and is getting rid of them rapidly. They had never really been happy and it was especially trying in the past 5 years as my Dad was confined to a wheel chair due to an amputation of one of his legs.

Is her behaviour normal? I am concerned that she is in denial or something. She says it doesn't seem to bother her. He only passed away two weeks ago and she says it seems much longer than that.

I am devastated and can't understand her behaviour or lack of emotion.

Just wondering if this is normal. Have you experienced similar? Is she in for a break down. Or is it just that the stress of their relationship was too much for her and now she feels relief?

I am concerned and would like to know from people who have been there.
Thanks,
Kate

Kate, some couples stay together and support one another because they respect and adhere to the vows they made long ago. Its what the women and men use to do. Possibly as you say the relationship was one of respect but I'll add, without love or passion, and when he passed away the relief was greater than the loss to her. Thats 'normal' in some cases and it is her right to embrace that relief. She may cry alone, remembering the good times of their youth so don't worry about her. It sounds like she is mentally healthy and handling things as she needs to be. Be there for her if need be and leave her to her own kind of grief. So sorry for the loss of your father...

My Mom had no respect for my Dad. She put him down constantly. But I get your point.
Kate

I spoke with my Mom tonight. I really think she is not dealing with things and is putting the grieving process off by keeping busy getting rid of things.

I suggested she talk to the women at a craft group she goes to (they are all widows) as they have been there. And she did mention one of the ladies said she didn't feel anything either and then it hit her hard. That's what I'm afraid of. She feels guilty that she doesn't feel anything and I told her she shouldn't.

I know she is depending on me more as she calls everyday now instead of once every few days so I will do my best to be there for her.
Kate

Kate, I think this is a tricky question. If your Mom was unhappy with your dad, and he was disabled, it could very well be that she feels “free” for the first time in a long time. I’m sure she has lots of emotions to deal with, and they could be laming her. In any case, you’re right that she shouldn’t suffer under guilt; she can’t control her feelings, they are what they are, and life goes on.

With all due respect, it’s not without reason that the operetta, “Merry Widow” is and will remain a brilliant masterpiece.

You may never find out everything that's going on in your mom's heart and head, Kate. I've found out that learning things can only bring more questions, anyway, so ultimately just being there is what will help her (and you) the most. I hope it all proves to be a healthy and loving adjustment.

Everybody deals with loss in their own way. Maybe in her mind and heart the marriage died a long time ago (I'm thinking this because she said it seemed longer than two weeks). Like everyone else she's probably going to go thru several stages in the grieving process and for her the first reaction may just be relief that she no longer has to care for a disabled spouse. My husband is a quadraplegic confined to a wheelchair and I know firsthand how trying it can be at times. She may even be feeling guilty because of her own lack of emotion. But don't be surprised if it does hit her somewhere down the road. She may very well be in denial right now and if so -- then that's her way of dealing with it.
My Dad passed away over 20 years ago and to be honest I can't remember my mother ever expressing a whole lot of emotion over it. But then again I can't remember my mother ever showing a whole lot of emotion over anything -- and it's taken me a long time to understand that that's just her way. My mother also packed up and got rid of Dad's things quickly and at the time I remember thinking how surprised I was at how quickly she seemed ready to move on. My mom is 85 now and I still have a hard time understanding her and her lack of emotion and I have a very hard time dealing with her (I am not at all happy about the state of our relationship -- it's never been close -- but have finally come to the conclusion that I cannot change her and can only change how I think/feel about her and I'm not being too successful in that department either). I try to be there for her when she needs me which is about all you can do.
My sympathies about your loss.

Crossstitch, great to hear you voice again. I still have my snowmen magnets you made and sent last year. They're adorable. Did you make any others this season?

Sorry to change the topic. I was just happy to see you.

Hey Dotsie!
No more snowmen magnets this year, but a bunch of other stuff! Blankets, embroidered towels, beaded keychains.........sewing and crafting are my mental therapy I think!
I may not post often, but I check out what's happening here just about every day!!

Ann, do you sell any of your stuff? I would love some embroidered towels. PM me.

I was very sad when my sister with MS and severe dementa died, not for myself in anyway, but for her. I watched her slowly disappear into just an empty shell, nothing more, and I remember how much she loved her husband and her life, and her infectious always peresent laughter.

Kate I believe people grieve in their own way in their own time...

You are right, every one grieves in their own way, my Mom included. She was very lonely while married to my Dad as he lost interest in her a long time ago. They have not been "a couple" since they were in their early 40's. Both of them have told me this at different times.

I can't understand why they stayed together. I am trying to understand my Mom better but have a lot of anger towards her.

I know my Dad was distant to her but she nagged him constantly and pushed him away when I know that is not what she wanted. She did the same thing to me. Always criticizing, bringing up the past etc. etc.

I have the patience of Job, incredible compassion for everyone I come across, except my Mom. Every thing she says or does grates on my nerves. She constantly judges everyone.
"look at what she is wearing, I wouldn't wear that to a garage sale, her hair is terrible, it goes on and on.
But at the same time she tells me constantly how everyone stops her when she is out shopping telling her how wonderful she looks. They can't believe that she is 80, where does she get her beautiful clothes from. Believe me, she tells me this everyday. And she would do this with my Dad too and we would roll our eyes all the while bitting our tongues off.

I know she is really insecure. I just wish I didn't let her get to me so much.

A long time ago I was a nurses aide in a ward for people who were confused. One nice old English lady (used to be a teacher) would come to the nurses station every 15 minutes asking where her room was. This never bothered me. But when my Mom tells me stuff over and over it drives me crazy.

It's mainly because she is so bitter and judgemental and makes comments about other people all the time. I can't stand that. I love her because she is my Mom, but I don't like her. Does this make sense?

I have some work to do.
Kate

Unfotunately is does, big time...

Kate, is it possible your mom forgets who she tells what? My mom used to repeat herself and when I said, "Mom, you already told me that," she'd say, "Oh I can't recall who I told what." Now the crazy thing is that I can't recall which child I've told what, and my kids will say, "Mom, you already told me that."

One thing that might help you understand your mom is if you consider how she was raised. Do you think her mom was critical? It could be all she learned. Sad, I know. But I'm grateful you're aware of her personality traits and have recognized you don't want to repeat the behaviour. Maybe it's because your dad had more influence on you so you are more like him...

My own mother as alert as she always seems to be called me the other day all upset because she had called my old number and of course got a disconnect. She called my
cousin who gave her the new number saying he'd had it for almost a year now. Well mother told me a thing or two. I said, "Mom you're the first person I called and you even said you were writing it down." I always call her so it doesn't add up her phone bill. To this day she says, I never gave her the number, go figure!! Maybe at her age I'll do the same thing if I make it to her age...