Bonnie, that is amazing that you found your birth mother after a life time, only to care for her. There is some kind of cosmic circle to that, for lack of a better phrase. Meredith, I understand your empathy. I always thought anyone else had it "worse" than I. But I learned not to compare. You know, in terms of cancer, my experience with the treatment for stage II may have been worse than someone's treatment for stage III. Like everything else, it's a matter for the unique individual, her coping abilities, support system, perspectives, and beliefs. L, PL

Checking in today, I am going to pick up my mother this afternoon.
When I called to tell her that my cold was better and I could come today, her caretaker told me that my mother came to her and told her than she thought I was "mentally ill," and perhaps not really ill with a cold! When I spoke to her she told me "oh, I thought you might be mentally ill." I explained my cold and reassured her I was not mentally ill, and she said she could here the cold in my voice, once again she said, "but I thought you might be mentally ill."
I think this comes from her fear that her children might inherit this illness she has. My sister, my older sister, only recently, told me she was hearing voices! Stunned, I asked her about them and her explaination sounded pretty consistant with shizophrenia. She told me that they had stopped about three months ago and her feelings about it were to make jokes and take it lightly! I was, again, stunned to hear my older sister telling me this and took it in with a bit of fright. This makes things harder on me. I will have responsibility for my older sister too, I am her heir. She has no husband or children. I will, no doubt, be the one if she falls off her job, which she has had forever, (for the L.A Times,) because they know me there from my work and the endless posters of me my sister posts in the office!
It never ends, does it? I did not inherit this terrible disease but my sister fulfills the scientific data that says it can be inherited easily. I always saw my older sister as a protector, a person always there for me. Now I must adjust my thinking! I am a middle child. I have two sisters who are above me, (one died when I was a child,) and a sister and brother below me. I am the one they all talk to when they are doing their Italian fueding thing. It's not a pretty position!
At any rate, I will report on my outing. I am taking her to her favorite bookstore, she loves to read and reads on a very high level having a degree in Art History. I will take her for coffee afterwards and return her to her home and caretaker after that. At 70, she is still fine getting around but due to her illness that she is going to be taken to court to treat, she is weak and it is hard to not speak about it with her. I cannot bring it up because it is certain to set her off on her voices and their dire warnings!

This is where the dancer stops dancing in her heart a little bit, but not all the way. When seeing me dance, my mother always says, "________, thank you for letting me see you dance."

dancer9

D9 I am sorry to hear that you lost a sibling when you were a child. As for schizophrenia, it is my understanding that it surfaces at an earlier age, usually in adolescense. I wonder if your sister had symptoms then? And there are so many differentiating diagnosis when it comes to schizophrenia, such as schizo affective disorder. Sometimes personality disorders are misdiagnosed as schizophrenia, and vice versa. We may not inherit a disease but we certainly take on the effects others have on us due to their diseases.

Princess, et all my great friends here;
I made it through my visit! It was hard, to know she was sick but also because she was afraid to upset me! Last time I saw her I mentioned her illness and she tore me up verbally about it and I had a few tears. It turns out she went to her caretaker that night and was very upset about upsetting me! Today she was on her best behavior and never once mentioned the voices or anything. It was the first time I have EVER seen her when there was no mention of the voices! I'm not sure what is going on but I must talk to her caretaker. I was sad that she was afraid of upsetting me and I told her I was fine. I kept telling her it was fine and she seemed to loosen up. I took her to the bookstore because she wanted to purchase the Odessey by Homer, and she said she had been wanting to read it again after she saw the movie. I took her to another store where she wanted to pick up a few things. We went to coffee. She gave me many presents for myself, my husband and my son, Dominic. ( I hardly see my other son, and she knows this. My older son and I are on good terms but there is a long story there..)
She bought us some Italian imported foods we like as well. (She is training my husband in his one quarter Italian part. He was raised by his father who focused on the Irish half of himself and did not teach my husband about his Italian grandmother. Now, my mother has decided to do it.)
I gave her the gifts I had for her and she was very happy and was worried I went "overboard." She told me I looked cute and younger. She told me my hair was excellent and asked after my hairdresser who has some fame.

I could not believe the voices did not come up! I am still worried about the court situation but I feel good that she and I are on an even kneel again. I was fairly upset with her reaction when last I mentioned her illness! Her way of taking me apart is to speak softly as she does and say mean things and ask me questions as to my honesty and integrity. We do not often fight so I guess it was hard on her. My husband thought it was appropriate for her to be that way since she had behaved the way she did last month when I saw her. I felt badly because I had forgiven her right when she did it since I know she is sick.

Oh well. I thought of this forum and all of you at least 15 times today. I thought of Princess who has the same sort of situation and how remarkable it is that I am not alone in this. My siblings never see my mother, I am the only family member who sees her and my older sister writes to her weekly.

Thank you all for being there during this. I can't say I EVER had so much support when seeing my mother! It was an experience to know inside that I had a group of women who could bandage me if she went off on me again! She did not.

I will not be in court when they take her into custody for the treatment. I cannot deal with it again and they don't need me. The next time I see her she will have dealt with the health problem and I don't know how she will be.

Thank you all so very much,
dancer, who went to finishing school. (really!)

Thank you Anne, I've had 12 strong years of therapy and I was told that I really don't need any more. I'm happy with who I am and with my life. I don't feel the need to talk with a therapist but if I did, I certainly would go back into therapy. I believe it's a great thing to do! I am medicated all the time against PTSD. I inherited a case of PTSD, and I take care of it like religon! I know that so long as I had my treatment and take my medication for the trauma, I'll be fine, and it's going on twenty years now that I've been taking care of it. I was in therapy until I was 38 and finally, as I said, I was told I didn't really need anymore. I'm not afraid of catching my mother's illness, I would have shown it young, in my teens. I've never heard a "voice," and I'm sure I won't.
I appreciate your compliments. It's a problem, that self esteem when you grow up with an ill mother!
dancer9

D9, well, it's kind of a relief that she was on her best behavior. She's cognizant that the voices are hers alone, and no one else hears them as she does. If she is doing well, then why does she need the court order for meds? Are the meds for mental or physical or both? Easy for me to ask because my mother is compliant with meds for now. So your mother mentions your hair when she sees you? So does mine, does everybody's mother mention the hair? It sounds like she did not deteriorate since your last visit. I'm sorry to hear your siblings don't see her. By choice? or by distance? It would be helpful for you to have family support. Ah, but I know that does not always happen. I'm glad you posted. I thought of you often today, and wondered how your visit went. Now, do you need to decompress with a glass of wine and a hot bath? L, PL

Princess, hi and it's nice to see you here. My mother was mentioning my hair because people were looking at me. They do that, I get a lot of looks. Not because I am funky or anything, I think it's for lot's of reasons. She was noticing it and said, as well, "you are being looked at a lot today." We are used to it from my whole career. I am 5'8' and lightweight, long legged and "exotic,"' to others, I'm told. When I am out with my husband and mother it get's pretty heavy but not like when I was in my, well, even thirties. ( Or maybe it is?) I'm not sure. Anyway, it was about the looks. I ignore it.
I'm sure you get looks too and your mother knows you are pretty and like mine she comments on it! My family had a hair salon in Santa Barbara, California forever, so hair being good is a family thing too.

My feelings now are a bit about the coming court case and her treatment. Now, she takes NO medication. She will not take anything for the voices. She needs treatment and antibiotics for another illness that she has developed and is refusing to see a doctor for. THAT is why we must do the court thing. It's illegal to let yourself die, thank God!
I will probably go on with my life now and know that the next time I see her she may be well but that it was a hell of a ride for her caretaker and her fiduciary!

My goals are all comsuming at this point. I'm very committed and when it comes to what I do, I'm pretty heavy about it. I am, perhaps, a strong artist because of that! It takes a LOT to knock me off my game when I am doing my art or if I am working towards production, etc... Even my mother taught me that the "show must go on." She would want it that way!

Wine, no, but a long nap and a day off tomorrow might be in order. I was wound up, certainly, with a cold and knowing I was late for my visit!

Thanks for asking,
dancer9