This afternoon, I decided to move Robert's things out of the cardboard boxes they've been packed in and put it all into a trunk to protect them. I go through them alot so it wasn't going to be that big a deal -- until I came across an envelope with his ponytail in it. Rob had long hair when he was younger and had decided to cut it off -- I had saved it and put it in an envelope.

I wasn't prepared for the rush of emotion that went through me as I held it in my hand ----- it felt so ---- alive

I wish I could explain how I feel right now -- how strange it felt to know in my heart he was gone -- yet here I was holding this beautiful rich brown soft hair in my hand ----

It just reminded me just how WRONG this all is !!

I have locks of my hair when I was a baby -- and Travis when he was a baby -- mothers do that -- they save locks of hair -- mothers should open an envelope with their childs hair in it and remember how it smelled, how it felt to brush it -- not drop it on the floor with a gasp of how alive it felt !!!!

I'm sorry if this is an inappropriate post --this just rattled me -- more than anything that's happened since he died i just need to get it "out" before i go to bed

Gee Lion, that must be so hard. You'll be in our thoughts and prayers.
smile

Lion, I'm sure your emotions are off the charts and now wonder

All I can think of is what a blessing to be able to reach out and physically touch him. I'm so glad you have that ponytail.

This is not an inappropriate post. Quite the contrary. It's perfect!

Blessings on you while you reminisce. Keep his spirit alive!

Carolyn,
I too think it was a blessing as well as a gentle reminder from Rob for his Mom saying, "hey Mom, I love you, I'm here." Embrace it.

Love to you gal,

JJ

Carolyn,
I just re read your post. Maybe holding that ponytail in your hands is God's way of letting you know that Rob is still with you and that he is happy in heaven.
smile

Carolyn,

This is not an inappropriate post at all. I too believe that this is Rob's way of sending his love.

Carolyn may God Bless you and your memories. There are no inappropriate posts for this wonderful forum and its the one place where we share and vent whatever is on our minds.

Thanks ladies -- for all your support

I'm much better today

I agree with the others - that was NOT an inappropriate post. It was a perfect post.
If you feel it - share it.
Let the burden of sorrow be shared among friends.

Kate

It's so nice to have this forum to come too -- I've missed all of you wonderful ladies

I couldn't share that with my hubby -- it has taken him sooooo long to come out of the dark that I'm careful not to bring up anything that will take him right back there --

but it was sooooo unlike me to have that kind of reaction -- I just had to get it out of me right away before it ate a hole in my soul !!!!

A part of me always wonders why I never went back outside that night -- I walked outside to the carport one time after all the police and everyone was there - and saw they had covered him up -- and I just turned back and walked in the house -- that wasn't my son laying out there -- I had lost my child a long time ago to the evil of schizophrenic voices -- and that was what was laying out there under that sheet -- evil -- and I was glad it was gone -- what a horrible thing for a mother to feel but all I could feel was relief -- relief that my baby was free of the anquish and fear and torment and I knew that he would never suffer again -- I hadn't been able to protect him -- but now that he had found his way home -- he would never be harmed again

but when I held that ponytail in my hand and felt the softness and LIFE still left in it -- it took me right to the moment I put it in that envelope ---- to him standing in front of me with that sweet grin -- and i felt the loss of my SON -- for that split second it was like someone had hit me in the gut with a baseball bat and it all came back to me -- except this time i WASN'T relieved -- I was devistated -- I wanted to drop to my knees and scream NOOOOOO ---- and I couldn't let it show without taking my hubby down with me

so again -- Thank you ladies for being here and letting me vent