Jabber, I love the term Hormonal Mayheim, it is right on!!

I may have mentioned this before but when I got the courage to leave my abusive husband I read something somewhere. It said give your all, 100% of your all for six months. After that time if nothing has changed, then leave which is what I did.

I do not regret it at all, only if I had to do it again I would be more choosey and marry a better father for my kids as they did and still do suffer. But at the time I just didn't know what I know now.

My parents stayed married and lived their life in misery. For 40 years they had no intimacy. They both told me that. My Dad passed away six months ago. Now my Mom is dating at the age of 81. I told her to go for it as she doesn't have another 50 years. Although I think she should it still feels weird and I don't want to know about it really. Funny thing is if one of my Dad's friends or someone else they know did that she would go on and on about how terrible it was, dating before a year is even up. She can be very judgmental and I try real hard not to be.

Now a days young people are more cautious and so they should be with the divorce rate. I put that down to women being stronger. Also it's common now and women help each other to get through it. Also there are many support groups out there now that there never were in my parents generation. I just wish women would make smarter choices before they marry the guy in the first place. (me included)

The only downside to our culture is that the kids are the ones who suffer. They really get ripped off losing their two parent family. Or which is often the case one of the parents or both move on and create new families and often kids feel like they don't fit in that parents life anymore, especially when they have more kids like my ex did. Now that family is more important to him than his kids from his first family.

Also it is not easy for them to adjust to step parents, girlfriends, boyfriends etc. Some step parents are great, but often they are nightmare, poor kids.
Kate

All good points. But when we marry, I truly believe that for the most part, we do make the best decisions we can at that time, using the information we have. I was married for a very long time (24 years). How could I have looked into the future to see that my ex was going to have what looked like a huge midlife crisis, complete with addictions and affairs and some really bizarre behavior?

You can't foresee the future. And when it comes down to it, I probably made a "good" decision when I married. He was normal, had a decent family (I loved 'em...and still in contact with some of them). You can never tell what you will encounter in this life, nor can we ever tell ourselves that something will remain. I just know I wasn't one of those women who could have remained in a marriage that was hit hard by addictions and adultery. It just wasn't in me.

Katebcca, your parents decided to stay together for whatever reasons they had. I think my parents were sort of in the same boat, only not just as long. My dad passed away at a young age (60). I do know there was no intimacy there for a long time though. I'm not sure if that was a good situation or a bad situation for us kids as we were growing up. There certainly wasn't a lot of affection between my mom and dad. I know they each loved us but I also don't know if they were great role models for marriage.

Too I often have wondered how in the heck do people stay in long marriages? We don't get an owner's manual lol when we get married. Where does one get those "skills" to navigate those times when it's downright HARD to stay---when your husband cheats, when there are financially rough times, when one spouse is very ill? I just see a lot of the "me me me me" thought going on when people consider divorce. Yes, we need to consider our well-being, but I've also read some articles where if couples hang in there, they're happier five years later anyway. Too I wondered sometimes if today folks understand the idea of commitment? I felt bad about getting divorced because my word meant something to me -- "to death do us part." I sometimes wonder with the high divorce rate in this country if we really know how to be married.

Post #159616 is fallout from an attempt at self-improvement. I recall Joyce Meyer sermons, where she had to address self-anger problems. I try not to get upset but when I do, I quickly pray 2 make it go away. I'm getting better at staying calmer, if confronted with unsettlingly difficult situations. Wild Bill is a mild-mannered person and that helps. My 1st husband had a fiery disposition; maybe that's why he's my EX. I thought maybe others had anger issues [hormonal mayhem], which contributed to marital discord.

Kate, how are you doing since the death of your father? Are things getting any easier?

I got a kick out of your comment about your mom dating, but if it was soemone else, she'd be judging them to hell. What a riot. ou have such a good, honest take on your mom and I think that's great. Has she warmed up to your boyfriend lately? Don't mind me for being nosey?

keyholes, your post makes me think there should be support groups for married couples who are doing fairly weel, so they can recognize what they have and not want to wander, or do any of the other stupid things that happen when people end up divorcing.

Kate, I'm with you. The kids always suffer and I can't stand watching it.

I would not say that things are getting easier, just less painful. I still miss him and do pray for him every night, pray that he is happy. He is always on my mind and I love it when I dream of him and remember it. Those dreams are so nice. I can hear him and the things he would say at certain times. I do believe he is with me in spirit. When I got over the shock and anger of him leaving I finally calmed down and now find comfort in knowing he is still around me, I just can't see him.

Yes my mother, she is the most judgmental person I know. She comments on absolutely everything other than the important stuff, what the person is like on the inside. It's all about appearances, what will people think etc. When she goes some where and calls me I have to hear all about their terrible outfits, hair doos, etc. drives me crazy. But, if she can find some happiness so be it. She drove my Dad crazy and as a result missed out on being close to him. She needs some male attention big time.

She never mentions my boyfriend. I did think about the day when she wants to introduce me to hers. I thought about how I should tell her "I will meet yours when you meet mine"
But, I will take the high road. She is missing out and that is her problem, not mine.

Yes, poor children. Very few end up in a better situation than what they had. It's so sad. Seems hard to avoid though in our culture. At least they have company if it does happen to them. I know in my circle of friends it is hard to find parents still on their original marriage. Kids just seem to get used to it. But it does have a negative affect on them, no getting around it.
Kate

Dotsie, there are some support groups. Unfortunately, what I've found has been a little bit, way too late. A last-minute, pull-out-all-the-stops effort I tried, after all marraige counseling failed was to go through Retrovaille, which is sponsored by the Catholic Church. We were both raised in the church, so I figured it would at least be a good try.

It didn't work. But you are right in that there are few groups (at least from what I found) that are out there to help support and educate couples in maintaining their marriage. Not to sound sarcastic, but the Catholic Church for all of their preaching about the sanctity of marriage, had very little in the way of marital education except for what they call Pre-Cana (pre-marriage counseling, the stuff you get when you have the "love jones" any way and think it's "forever") and Retrouvaille, which is only for severely distressed marriages.

It's sad I think. If there are such groups out there, I sure didn't find them 7 or 8 years ago! When I went through all of this, I felt as if even close family members and friends didn't want to "interfere," that it was a personal problem they had no business to butt into. Still, divorce affects not only the couple but an entire family, kids (even adult kids) suffer. I know mine have to make decisions that annoy them like which parent to spend a holiday with. That's just so wrong in my book. And in my case, I have two kids making careers out of it. One has a doctorate in family communications with a focus on post-divorce families and one is majoring in psychology with an emphasis on addiction studies. She wants to be an addictions counselor. My hopes and prayers are that they find ways to work with people whose relationships are damaged.

Jabber,

I honestly believe a lot of my ex's problems were due to internalized anger. Goodness was he angry nearly all of the time the last 4-5 years of our marriage. Nothing ever made that man happy. Men as they age do have drops in testosterone I think. My ex's anger just spread through to me...it made me angry just to be in his presence. I'd just pick up this seething vibe. He really lashed out at quite a few people I understand during this period.

Emotional mayhem is for real!!! I never really experienced it except by proxy through my ex. Even going through menopause, my worst problems right now are just hot flashes and brain farts (oops, fog LOL). But I've always been a pretty easy-going person and menopause is just making me all the more so.

A long the same lines - HOW LONG DO YOU STAY IN A BAD FAMILY?
I'm on the verge of cutting and running!
NO #%+@#%!
I must be the most threatening, most evil, most envy provoking, et al in the world. I think I'd be better away from everyone trying to take me down, parent(s) included.
Every so often, I experience a tinge of hope, but it's here today, gone tomorrow. I'm hurting myself more by waiting for the next good day. How long does it take to get over a divorce?
Not a wink last night - still up from yesterday morning - mulling over the c*r*a*p the surfaced day before yesterday.
HELP!!!!
(I'm proud of myself - I'm not down about this, for some reason. Hope that means I'm on an emotional mend.)

That a girl gims! Stay true to yourself! Whatever it is, just be your own best friend! And you got friends here to help you along the way!!!!!