It was the only choice I saw for my own sanity!!!!! Living with someone with an addiction they won't seek help with is not healthy. It gets ugly and ends up wasting your life. On the other hand, if someone is willing to admit they have a problem and will do "the work" to fix it, that's another story.

You're all so sweet .

On a side note, has anyone ever seen the series on A&E called Intervention? I saw it for the first time last night and was that scary. They showed a young girl with a crack problem and a young man with a heroin problem. What they did to themselves AND their families was ugly and depressing. (Fortunately, both decided to go to a rehab program and "redo" their lives.)

I have seen it Keyhole a dozen times or more, and yes it is scary, BUT I really feel they accompliash alot to help heal these addicts... It always amazes me to see how low and discusting some of these people become. I can't imagine allowing myself to slip into such depts...No one forces these people to do drugs, or alcohol. They do it willingly, at first especially... SCARY!!!

Good afternoon ladies~ I'm dredging up this thread because I had a long, long email from my niece last night saying that she'd had enough of her marriage and she indicated that she might be fearful of her husband. They're young, started out pregnant, broke, minimal education, crappy job. I think she might be a bit bright, but a bit lazy as well, but fairly sweet. Just as background info, my sister, her mother, has had a horrible temper her whole life and is known for her insane fits of rage. Jessie has had her share of screaming rages but I think only in her young adult life. I have never met her husband Mark so I can't comment too much on him. He doesn't appear to be any kind of go-getter but I have no idea really, but I think he's had a string of menial jobs that don't last for long.

So, here's the deal - she wrote me, told me that her mother and MY mother both told her to grow up and quit including them in her drama and to be a better wife. With that said... I gave her this advice:

"Well.... I have to give this all some thought before I can really think of much to say.
But... I will say this. Of course, you have two choices - to leave or stay, and what each of those choices will encompass.

One) You did make a vow, whether well thought out or not. You were absolutely firm in your decision to get pregnant and marry, bad choice or not, it is what it is.
In that vow, you said "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, etc."
Now, not belaboring that particular issue - where exactly is the faith that you spoke so much about? You either have faith that God can do anything, and change even this, or you don't believe it, in which case, same question - where is your faith and where do you apply that in your life?

Choice two) You leave. Do you have a way of leaving, you said you didn't have a running car? Where exactly will you go? Are you prepared to go to a shelter if necessary, because that could be the next step if you seriously want to get a new start. If you plan to leave, you need to be prepared for the worst, just in case. You can't just plop yourself on someone's doorstep making them responsible for supporting you. If you need a restraining order, you need to go to the court and/or the sheriff's office to get one, and you need to have proof and a real reason that you need protection from him.
You NEED to have a plan. And be prepared to work two jobs, one for child care, one to pay for a room because you're not going to be able to afford anything else at this point. Be prepared to be exhausted until Roslyn goes to kindergarten. And honestly, that would happen whether you stay or go. It's just the nature of the circumstance.
Neither choice will be easy. They both require work, either on your knees praying and seeking guidance, and finding out what in YOUR OWN PERSONAL life needs to change to provide the opportunity for GOD to work in him, and to help yourself mature...

... or you go out, work as hard as you can, going from one job to another and seeing your baby daughter in between, and dig in and just know that if you really, really, really, really, really want a change it can be done. But this kind of change, either way, needs to be done BY you, and ONLY YOU. This is almost a rite of passage because this is where YOU make YOUR decision. Nobody else can take the credit for it, and no one else can take the flak for it either. This is YOUR responsibility and you must take it. In this, you will grow. Do not deny yourself this opportunity to let God work in YOU.

Personally, (for someone who didn't want to say too much) - you know that your uncle (my husband) had substance issues and I had a horrible time dealing with that, but I made my decision and I stayed. And I prayed, and I prayed, and started working on myself and let God deal with him and he did a wonderful job and we no longer have those issues. God sees a true pure heart and he rewards those who diligently seek HIS face. He'll take care of the rest.

So........... whaddya think?

K

Sorry for the truly long post.

Good advice Kate, at least you gave her the fascts, no holds barred. Not to sound kurt but I find we usually stay in a bad marriage:

TOO LONG!!!!

Boy, if being engaged gets you lies, dirty laundry and [censored]......ewwwwwwww. The laundry... okay, but after 30 years, my husband does laundry, dishes, vacuums and mops, without being told or asked... and he doesn't do it all the time, but he does it a lot more than I do. And he was (just in case you were wondering) NOT a girly guy whatsoever. He's a guy guy and admittedly, when we were first married he thought that all that stuff was 'women's work'.... yeah, that lasted about one year. If I work, we share. Not necessarily 50-50 because it changes all the time, but right now while I'm trying to do my art 'thing' he's doing the chores just like he did when I was going out to my job.

I just didn't want my neice to think she can get mileage out of being a victim because sooner or later - nobody wants to hear it. Help yourself or don't but assume responsibility for your life and take it somewhere.

I hope I got that across.

K

Now I'm a little embarrassed at my concern. Today, she has a message up about getting a car... evidently there was some kind of power shift or something and .... and I don't know why I didn't expect it. Sorry to have posted all that.

You're right... no tolerance for that kind of fear.

K

You wrote a very good letter, Kate.

I was drawn into many a fight between my son and his wife. I would get so upset while imagining how they are going to handle custody...and so on and on..... I’d stay awake nights, exhausting myself with worry. Meanwhile back at the ranch, so to speak, the kids would kiss and make up....AND forget to inform me!!!…While sacks as big as a Smart Car would form under my eyes; they were romping around together again!!! Ugh.

I've told them to leave me out of their fights in the future. Now I don't find out about anything; and it is truly bliss.

Right on! I haven't heard from her since I posted that long thing, and it's probably just as well. It's just interesting though - everyone has such a different concept of what their relationship is, or how they think it's supposed to go. And it's work, that's all, just some life work that you have to do, and find a compromises to things so that you accomodate each other. I think young people just don't get it.

Anyway.........

Kate

Kate, I'm grateful she feels close enough to you to ask. That's great that a niece will come to you for advice. You were wise to point out that we are often the ones who need to change. However, unless he's abusing her. That's another story.

The comments about hearing the ins and outs of loved ones relationships is so true. Mom told us years ago not to air our dirty laundry because while angry, you can say some very hurtful things about a loved one. You may mean it for the moment, others read into it, think the worse, and then life resumes as normal. It wasn't all that bad. You were just angry and sharing the absolute worst thoughts and feelings.

My daughter called to tell me she and her beau broke up this week. I have to be very careful about what I say about him because it's very likely they will end up back together. Holding my tongue is so very hard.

It's hard for a parent not to let their feelings known, when children date people mom or dad don't really approve of. As Dotsie said, they'll probably end up with that person in the long run. It happened to me. My son was married with a baby when his current spouse broke up that marriage. I lit into the second babe, in a thunderous rage. My son has been married to the second gal for years; and I feel like the MIL from h*&l! But love for that 1st grandchild ramped up unpleasant emotions, which put my mouth in gear. I should've shut up! Nobody wants to lose their children. So watch what you say. Son and 2nd DIL treat me fine, now. But I can't help but think this current DIL has some ill will festering deep down within. I wouldn't blame her. And I regret all that stuff, which came out of my mouth, long, long ago!