I wanted to share this because I was surprised, though I shouldn't have been, by the "aha"-ness of it. Maybe someone else will benefit as well.

For quite awhile I've been finally feeling like I was on my way out of the worst of the grief. Still hard some days, but was actually feeling quite positive and okay overall. Then about two weeks ago, I began to spiral down. It was an unexpected and fast descent into very dark and negative thoughts. (I did call my therapist and had my first session with her yesterday).

I've been frustrated and confused by this sudden downward spiral, because I've been working diligently on staying positive, and have been faithfully journaling, praying and focusing on "what is", etc, etc.

Anyway, it's still too early to know if this is the answer, but it hit me today. Two weeks ago I bought a CD by Il Divo and have been listening to it constantly ever since...first thing in the morning, everytime I'm on the computer, last thing at night. I became especially fond of one of the songs, "Everytime I Look At You", and played it at least a dozen or more times a day. The music haunts me (pleasurably so) night and day. But today I realized that the same line has been playing over and over and over again in my head...day and night...perhaps even infiltrating into my dreams...the line is "Please, please turn out the lights."

To most people, this would mean nothing. But I realized today that, for me, it conjures up very negative images - ranging from symbolizing the final closing of Gary's eyes all the way to feeding the part of me that's always battled with suicidal thoughts. It had gotten to the point where every time I heard that line going through my head, which was ALL THE TIME, I would cry, sob in fact, at both Gary's death and the haunting thought that I have so wasted my life that it's not worth "keeping my light on".

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT...so don't anyone go getting worried here - I no longer even remotely consider that "turning out the lights" is an option - I LOVE BEING ALIVE...and as difficult as it might be at times, I LOVE BEING ON THIS JOURNEY! Sorry for the caps, but I just want to make sure everyone hears that!!

BUT, the point is that I realized that this line from this song IS and has been constantly feeding those sad images and dark thoughts into my brain.

Now that I know, I've stopped that line from playing in my head, and am replacing it with positive self-talk, like "Please, please embrace the light"...which has much more life-nurturing images and is already making a difference! (Princess Lenora, if you're reading this, your "light and love" signature has become one of my most powerful mantras...this new line leads me right into your "love and light", which always brings me peace and hope.)

Something as simple as this one line had such a critical impact on me, and my mangled thinking took that line and allowed it to lead me into a dark place where the lights were indeed being turned off. It really showed me once again how powerful our thoughts can be, and how important it is to stay aware of what we're saying to ourselves deep down underneath all the other noise.

Eagle,

You are so right...our thoughts are very powerful...even the ones that we are fully aware of...how awesome that you were able to figure out what was triggering your spiral...there's a saying something to the effect that it doesn't matter how many times you fall...it only matters how many times you get back up...I think we're really gettting in tune with ourselves when we can get back up so quickly!

Sending you light thoughts!

Eagle, How right you are! Thoughts are so powerful. I'll share a trick I have some day. I've only been using it a little over three weeks (when my therapist gave it to me to practice). It's working so far. I have a CD I use for the opposite... I use a song on it to lift me - ironically, on Eagle's wings - ...it's on a Michael Crawford's CD
Here's a link to a rendition (not Crawford's) of it on You Tube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rRea9qnjK4&feature=related

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run,
and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Where ya been Jane Carrol? More important, how are you?

Gims, together with Psalm 91, Isaiah 40:31 is my favourite scripture passage; it's on my coffee cup. I love that song - we used to sing it in the choir I belonged to in Halifax.

I followed that link to hear the song...started following other links and found John Michael Talbot there! He's one of my favourites! Now I'm listening to whatever I can find there of his. Do you know his music? Here's the one I'm listening to now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-EqB91jNJ4&feature=related

I have a lot of Christian music that I listen to. It's usually very uplifting and nurturing, But when I'm in that dark place, I even have to be careful with Christian music, because so much of it focuses on the yearning to go Home and, well, I can't go there! I have to focus on here-and-now and find/celebrate my life and meaning HERE on earth NOW. I have to constantly work hard to curb my yearning for Home so that it doesn't detour me too far from living fully the life I'm supposed to be living here.

Talbot is new to me and I'm enjoying listening. Makes me laugh!

Quote:

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I have a lot of Christian music that I listen to. It's usually very uplifting and nurturing, But when I'm in that dark place, I even have to be careful with Christian music, because so much of it focuses on the yearning to go Home and, well, I can't go there! I have to focus on here-and-now and find/celebrate my life and meaning HERE on earth NOW. I have to constantly work hard to curb my yearning for Home so that it doesn't detour me too far from living fully the life I'm supposed to be living here.

---

I hear you loud and clear. But, the darkness we live through is important so we can be in tuned with others who are hurting. And, our ability to overcome them is also important... I know you know this.

Eagle, I will be praying for you. Sometimes the grief process
takes longer than we want it to, and as time goes by you will find
yourself less and less in that dark space.

((((Hugs))))

Eagle
I totally hear and understand you.

You have worked this out so cleverly.

We all learn differently as educators know.A good teacher knows and implements this fact.

Therefore our lifelong learning and developing is accessed similarly.

I learn by reading but absorb more auditory.I listen to tapes and its in my memory bank thereafter,

You may be similar and musicical lyrics can make people patriotic...help fall in love.. so grieving and hurting yes.

Tell me why you repeated listen..Is this you tool to healing?

I want you to heal to a comfortable place where Garry is beside you like he was when you were children .Is there in healthy adulthood.This is his legacy.

The dark days ar prominent I know but if you could find lyrics and mantras (PL's) that bring this place a miracal could happen.
You have aha..moments.does my suggestion sound ok.

You have supported me Sharon and you must know many love you here.I wish I could take you on a walk in my countryside...cry with you then show you a rainbow...
Love Mountain ash

Eagle, thanks for sharing your inner most feelings. You are right. They will help others.

I'm with Mountain. Why not find music that lifts you up instead? Maybe JM Talbot will do that.

Music is definetly a mood changer. Sometines it's the beat, others, it's the lyrics, but I can surely relate.

Eagle's Wings was Mom's favorite. We sang it at her funeral. Now THAT song - depending on my mood, can either conjure up beautiful images of Mom with God, or sad thoughts about her dying. It depends on the mood.

Eagle, praying you find what lifts you up and makes you think "happy thoughts" of Gary and you.