((((((hugs)))))

From your friend....

Brenda

Eagle,

Where do you suppose that we could find a magic wand, a rewind button ? I WANT one!!!!!But if I can't have one , which it appears I cannot, then I am grateful for you - and Danita. Nichole would love it that we have found each other, she is watching and maybe making things happen? I would so enjoy that she has power and can now orchestrate (where o where is my dictionary?) the intracacies of our lives,,,,,,Thank you for being here for me......

Search

Dreamer,

I'm supposing I did. Talk about Nichole in another forum. But you know, I'm a little "off" these days.....Nichole died on April 20 after a very long illness (brain tumor). She was the most precious young woman! She lived a difficult life, but was always so ready to try again. I refuse to say that Nichole was perfect, nor was I - by a long shot- we both were head-strong, (how'd THAT happen?) but deeply in love with each other, as mother and daughter. We loved daily and fought daily. I miss her more than our words can say....But I believe that one day, we will be together again, with our mothers and fathers and all who loved us, rejoycing (where's that dictionary??????) in the time we spent together.......

Searcher

What strength and honesty you have, Searcher. And Nichole obviously took after you, to be spunky and so attuned to life and the importance of living for the moment, even while she was suffering in unimaginable ways. It's so rare to find mother/daughter relationships like yours. There was no time for much 'fluff' in your relationship - the two of you got to know each other and appreciate each other deeply. As you know, nothing tangible lasts forever, but the connection the two of you have (yes, have, not had) is forever and you have so many positives to remember - not a collection of regrets. A sad but very beautiful story.

I have no doubts that wonderful things await you and your future will be filled with unexpected joy and contentment. And Nichole will be smiling down on you all the while.

Dreamer,

I so appreciate your words. And your understanding. Exactly. There was not much time for "fluff' and this IS a regret of mine. But I don't think so much for Nichole - she was not into much fluff, well, sometimes , but mostly it was about "making life better" for herself. We could all take lessons from Nichole about making our lives better, if we all tried as hard as she did, and forgave as much as she did, we would all be in a higher state of existence.

It has been 6 months today since I last touched her face. And a week before that since I looked into her deep blue eyes - she had the most beautiful eyes, and lashes so thick and black that people swore she wore mascara - but never did. I always said she had a "rosebud" mouth - since she was an infant - just the prettiest set of lips you ever saw, and just the right amount of color without lipstick. Tho' she wore a gloss most days when she went out. She was really a pretty, pretty girl both inside and out. I kept a ridiculous amount of her hair. She had what I called "Jessica Rabbit" hair. Thick and dark blonde with waves of curl - up on one side - we never owned a hair dryer - we all are curly - so it was best to just let it dry naturally. On her birthday (Feb. 25) we took her to Jackpot to play the slots. We had never done this before, but Nichole was always lucky and wanted to go - so we all got in the van, dog and all, and drove down. O my gosh, did she ever have the best time - Now, Nichole goes to bed around 7, watches some TV, writes in her journal, and reads, usually asleep by 9 or so. That night, we could not GET her out of there! I was sooooo tired, but no, she was winning- the nickles were pouring out ! At last at about 3 in the morning, I said, "Nichole, I'm starving - we HAVE to go to breakfast! That got her attention and we all ordered steak and eggs - But just then, an obviously elder cowboy entered the room. (you can always tell a REAL cowboy by the way he walks - poor things always have a stiff back and a certain gait)And I mentioned to Nik that there was a real cowboy - she was very interested and kept trying to look at him without being obvious. Pretty soon, his daughter came to our table and said, "I just wanted to say that you have the most BEAUTIFUL hair! Nichole said, thanx, but is that a real cowboy? The daughter said, "absolutely and , Dad, will you come over here?" So wife, Dad and daughter all came to our table and we had the best conversation ever!!! Then we had to drag Nichole to the hotel where we slept for a few hours, only to have her drag us back in the morning for a few more hours of nickels.....

searcher, I am deeply touched reading your post. I feel like I am reading a chapter from a book - well I suppose I am in a way. On this anniversary, I want to shower you with prayers for peace and tranquility. How blessed you are to have Nichole's precious memories to share. Please...tell us more.
chick

Thank you,Chickadee,

It's so nice to have the support of so many wonderful women.

Searcher

Hi Searcher,
I think Nichole was a very lucky girl to have you for a Mom! It's so obvious that you put her first and spent every possible moment with her. Not many of us can do that, no matter how much we may want to. It breaks my heart to think of how sick she must have been, but what a strong will she had. Through you, she has taught me - and probably many of us - some pretty big lessons on life and living. I hope you realize her life had a huge and definite purpose - and I hope she realized that in some way, too.

Now it's time for you - what kinds of things do you like to do? Moving forward from today, what are your wishes and hopes and goals? Do you work?
What are your hobbies and interests?

You are amazing!

Dreamer,

Thank you for your post. Nichole was W I L L personified!!!! People knew when she was around! She was very well liked tho' - her doctors seemed to take such a special interest in her like many. In her last years, she went out with an attendant for a few hours in the afternoons - she had several attendants, therapists, a whole host of people around her and all had a close relationship. Instead of a formal funeral, we had a "garden party" for Nichole (she loved her flowers) where everyone brought a perennial to plant. So that became a place to sit and just reflect on Nichole. Her favorite color was yellow and mine purple. So the rose arbor is yellow and all the rest yellow and purple - it's quite strikingly beautiful! And yes, I am able to see that she really had an impact on people around her - one of her doctors called me at 8:00 on a Sunday night just to tell me so (I thought THAT was a little remarkable!) and one of the young women who worked with her called to explain how Nichole had changed her entire outlook on those around her. And many others as well - she did leave a legacy.

I am going to begin doing temp work on Monday - just for a paycheck. But in the future, I believe I would like to try my hand at writing. YEAH it's my time! My son is 25 and has missed out on some Mom time - at least time spent with just him alone, so I'm really looking forward to that and of course I hope there will be grandchildren in my future.... Also we live in Idaho so we're anxious to do some exploring...if I can catch him by the tail that is....

Our dream was to have an alpaca ranch and hire disabled to work on the ranch - that may still be in our future, both to honor Nichole and to provide a more meaningful life for others...But that's a ways down the road.

So for right now, I'm just going to follow my nose and see what happens....

Searcher

I'm also sending you strength and peace during this difficult time. What a beautiful daughter she was, inside and out. It sounds like people found a better side of themselves after meeting her.