Dianne,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. It does really help.

Well, I lit a fire tonight in my fireplace. Wood. I can't really explain why but I have always been drawn to that smell. It's soooo - you know, WOODSY. Warm, beautiful, ancient, secure. And I have this really odd interplay with it - I MUST get it started, fan the flames, control it as best I can within it's boundaries - I WANT it to do as I bid - I want the flames to fly, be beautiful, send it's warmth, and NOT die. I will stay awake to make sure it doesn't die. (Until I get so tired that I fall asleep regardless)

It's been that way for a long time. It started when my children were little and we went camping. I was the only one to make that fire; and I intended to do it. We would have the fire. And we did. We loved it, it loved us. Warm, beautiful, ancient,secure. Invaluable. Invaluable.

So, tonight I made the fire - and tho' Nichole is now gone, and my Samuel is off making Halloween costumes with his girlfriend, I still tend the fire; it must still burn - forever....

Searcher

Searcher, the garden sounds lovely. What a great idea. I bet you just love being surrounded by it. Lionspaaw has also buried a child. She has a butterfly bush ( at least that's what I picture, it may be a tree) planted in her son's memory. She just reported to me that it made it through hurrican Wilma. I would have been devastated had it been uprooted.

When Mom died, a few friends gave us flowers and bushes for the garden. I liked the idea so much that I will share the tradition with family and friends when they experience a death.

Feel free to tell us more about Nicole if your heart desires.

Also, I could just picture you in front of your fire. Sounds so cozy. Do you have an outside fire pit? We just got one this fall and the other night my daughter and her boyfriend built a fire, carved pumpkins, and made s'mores. Great fun.

When they were all finished with the pumpkins she called us out and grinned ear to ear while holding a pumpkin carved as a cat. She then announced that it was in memory of Nana! Nana just died in August and she was a cat freak. We were so touched.

Dotsie and all you great women!

What a great support you all are for someone like me! I have so appreciated your comments and your heart felt thoughts. Death is hard for us living. And we all need to have words of kindness and encouragement = thank you all again and again. So many of you have spoken to me with words that filled my heart - I am truly grateful -

I love telling stories about Nichole - she was someone about whom stories can be told = there was always SOMETHING day to day that had an exclamation point in it !!!! As I think about it , Nichole WAS an exclamation point! From the time of her conception to the time of her death.

She was someone to be reckoned with - she would tell you your faults, your strengths, and everything in between, never judging you, but telling you that you NEEDED to correct this problem and see reality for what it was. Just amazing.

Her birth started with an unusual beginning.. I was working as a receptionist at college to pay for tuition...one day, I felt the need to go to the bathroom and out came some grey matter . I was shocked to say the least and made an appointment with the doctor. Doctor explained that I was pregnant and so all was forgotten in the joy that ensued. About a month later, I had to leave work for an odd pain -- I went home, laid on the sofa an slept. Only to awaken to a ripping pain in my abdomen, went to the toilet and in the toilet were huge clots and much blood. So I called my doctor who was out of town of course. The "on call" said , well, you've probably lost the child, wait three days and call your personal physician. So I did. And when I went in, an ultra-sound showed the hearbeat of Nichole! But I was still cramping so he put me on Provera...3 months later, I became so huge with this pregnancy that he decided to take x-rays to see if there were twins. After many positions (uncomfortable at least) and many pictures, I saw "suits" coming into the room. Now I knew something was not right. And no one would tell me anything.....So I got up, went to the doctor's office and demanded to know the truth. He told me - we have seen two heads on this fetus - on many positions. But you must wait for 6 weeks to take another set to be sure. Can you imagine?????? And that night I was watching Johnny Carson and he had a two-headed turtle on his show!

Needless to say, I didn't sleep for 6 weeks. When I went in, everthing was fine. "Must have been an abboration - every time a picture was taken, the baby moved it's head...." Is that a little weird to you? Was to me......Everything went fine from then on...When she was born, she had a little crooked pinky finger and I thought, well, that's our reminder of what COULD have happened!

Well, we thought maybe we had lost her twin. In the beginning. We will never know. But a few years later, there was the brain tumor. And all HELL broke loose then.....Not JUST a brain tumor, but the tumor of all tumors - on the pituitary gland. Which had to be removed. Education begins here........we are in some REAL trouble...Catastophic trouble..And indeed it was.

But we made it for 32 years. That's something in itself. Today, thank God, these tumors can be "zapped" with minimal damage. Technology is a good thing sometimes........

More to come if you are interested

Searcher

Searcher, it seems you knew from the beginning that you were in for both joy and heartache. Despite the pain, you and Nichole were blessed with the 32 years you had together.

Nichole is that fire.

Searcher, I just read your stories about your Nichole, my heart is breaking for you...I can't even begin to understand where your strength comes from...here I sit feeling sorry for myself because my daughter is living on the opposite coast from me...and you...well...you are an inspiration!! I'm glad that Nichole made a lasting impression on so many others...that in itself probably comforts you...I'd love to hear more about her..and the way she lived her life. xo

searcher, i just read your post about Nichole after posting "a mother's heart" - i know we are sisters! your journey began so long ago and you have suffered much, learned much and loved eternally. i look forward to more communication with you.