Lately, I've been thinking of compassion and how best to exercise it. I have my ideas, which I try to carry out. I took a lot of psych in college, I've read a lot of books, but sometimes when it comes right down to it, I wonder, "How/What are the best way(s)to be compassionate?"

I realize it depends on the person, the situation, one's relationship with that person etc. I know it's all about heart.

So I'd like your opinions. I'd like to know what works for you when you are the recipient of compassion and when you are the giver. I'd like to learn as much as I can about this. Would you share your skills with me?

Thanks,
Vi

Vi, that is a very interesting question. I assume you are talking about compassionate behavior, as I believe compassion is an emotion we feel. I can see something on tv and cry over people or animals I don't know - 9/11 is a good example and also watching Animal Planet.

I have been the recipient of compassion and one experience was when I was rejected by someone I loved very much. One of my friends was visiting me and I broke down and cried. My friend held me in her arms and I sobbed and sobbed for a long time. To me that was compassion, just being with someone who is hurting. That friend is very different than me, but she is like a sister. She can be judgemental and is very straight-laced, where I am more accepting of situations and people who do not necessarily fit the Christian mold. I do realize she is a very unique woman who I can count on to be honest and capable of caring very deeply.

I think showing compassion is acting on what you feel. When someone tells me about a serious problem, such as abuse from a SO, then I've been known to invite them into my home, just to give them a leg up. I believe God puts people into our lives who need help, then He helps us help them. I do not allow people to use me either, I am not a pushover.

I'm sure you will get many other stories from our boomer sisters since I've noticed many compassionate hearts in the forum.

Daisygirl

Vi, I think a good guideline is to do what you would like someone to do for you if you were in the same situation.

I love food, flowers, and I love to pray. So I find myself praying for others and taking them food and/or flowers. Another good idea is to care for little children if there are any involved.

Is this the kind of thing yo are looking for? Great topic.

Compassion is letting a person pour out their heart to you and responding as best as you can. It can be a hug or calling them up on a rainy day to take them out or invite them over for coffee just to talk. Compassion is being a lifeline to someone in need. Compassion is letting that person pull you down into their sorrow and rising up out of it together. Compassion is figuring out a way to help that person come out of a bad situation. Compassion is in just being there for someone in need, crying along with them if they need it.

[ December 11, 2005, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: ladybug ]

Compassion, for me, is the ability to listen and not judge. People tell me I've always been good at that, but sometimes I wonder. If you feel impatient with someone who refuses to try to change a bad situation but keeps complaining about it, is that lack of compassion? If it is, I've been guilty of that once in a while. I usually can't deal with people who won't try to change their lives for the better if they can.

I was always the first one to be there with help when anybody needed it. As for receiving compassion, so many people have shown it in so many way while Chuck and I were sick. Just a smile and a hug is enough. So prayers, even from people you don't know.

I think what goes around comes around.

Compassion, is the awareness of another's suffering or anguish.... and the deep desire within yourself, to relieve their suffering.
It's mercy toward your brother or sister.

A good example:

Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Luke 6:31

[ December 11, 2005, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: yepthatsme2 ]

Thank you all. Yes, this is what I'm looking for. Please keep sharing.

I do the things mentioned above too. But sometimes it just doesn't seem like enough. And I, too, at times feel impatient with someone who doesn't make the changes they need to make to improve their lives. But all in the right time - some of us have to be hit in the head with a 2x4 several times to get the guts to make the needed change or to see clearly what we need to do. I've been there numerous times. And sometmes what I may think someone needs to do, is not what they need to do. They need a solution right for them, not the one right for me.

Sometimes, what appears to be the right decision in your mind, might not be the right decision for the person in need of direction.

People learn at different levels, some get it right off the bat. Other's, take experience after experience to learn from their mistakes, before deciding the correct direction.

We can't force our opinions upon others, or try to control their actions.

What we can do is to support and listen, no matter... if we have heard it time and time again. Or, watched that person go over the same experience time and again.

Patience, is a state of balance, that rises simply out of understanding.
The unexpected gift experienced after a merge and flow within of struggle, perspective, judgment, and the harnessing of mind.

Evidentually, we are all lead in the right direction, through patience.

Love is patient, love is kind.
1Corinthians 13:4

My best friend lost her husband in May. He was 58, and died of CHF. I was the one who had to go to her home and tell her that he had passed. It was very hard. I didn't realize the compassion that I have in me until I had to relay to someone I love that their loved one had passed.
I'm in a hard situation myself right now, and bless my friend, she's using her compassion on me.
So...it's true....what goes around comes around.
The people that don't want to change are still good people, so never give up on them.
I'm afraid I'm one of those, and it's going to take some time to try and change.
By the way.........all you BWS ladies out there have so much compassion, it just rolls off my monitor into my heart!!!!
Lynne

To me compassion means just being with someone who needs a shoulder, or company, or a kind word. The word means with passion and since passion makes me think of Jesus' suffering, I picture myself staying with Him till the end, like Mary and John did. They could not take away his suffering but they stayed with Him so He wouldn't be alone with it. So when someone is suffering, I can't always take the suffering away but I "stay" by their side through it. It's almost like you become one with them....

I believe tha being compassionate does not mean being a doormat. If someone continues bad behavior which causes her pain, then my compassionate feelings don't last indefinitely.

I think compassion is listening without interjecting or preaching. Just open your heart and ears.

All your entries are so meaningful.

Lynne, I do hope you are okay. Can I help in someway? I'm sending my love to you right now. It must have been hard to bring the awful news to your friend. Wrenching, trying to find the right words.

The most difficult time I ever had in sharing my compassion was when I was hurting from the news as well. It was directly after my brother committed his horrid crimes - murdering his neighbors - that I've talked about before on this site. My dad had called me while I was out. My husband told me the bad news. So he and I went to be with my parents. They were broken, and it broke my heart even further to know there was nothing I could do to take away their pain. They were such good people. So I was there. I listened, I prayed. But it was oh so hard.

How about other stories anyone would like to share, times when you helped someone or someone helped you, times that stayed with you. I'm sure we can all learn from your experiences. These days, with times being what they are, if we can pool our knowledge and wisdom, we will all be the better for it.

Vi

In my dictionary it says compassion means: Sympathy towards suffering. Pity.
I dare say there are a thousand ways in which a person can practice compassion around us. I offer mine withhout reservation by helping out at a shelter for abused women and children, a nursing home and especially at an animal shelter. I am sometimes awaken in the middle of the night to come help when a badly abused animal is saved and needs hanling and others are afraid of being bitten, I seem to have been blessed with a calming affect on them and can make them feel safe and secure. I would say Vi just do what makes your heart feel full and as Dotsie says what you would appreciate someone doing for you or yours....There are no actual guidelines.

I see compassion and pity as different. Pity seems like you are looking down on the person and when I am being compassionate, I'm holding the person up. It makes me feel like I'm lower than them. Like Jesus washing the disciples' feet.

Offering it without reservation is the way to go, Chatty. I admire how you have that rapport with animals. I guess I'm a little scared of them most of the time. Now babies seem to feel safe with me. We're all different, which is great.

Wow!

No wonder I was drawn to this place. I don't know if I can add another word to these heart-felt and obviously thought about posts.....Vi, such a thinker you are!!!....A treasure for sure.

I will try tho', just so I can get my 2 cents in as usual - I think every one of you are right. Compassion - in my personal dictionary: the ability to take on another's misery in thought - to understand where their misery is born, and to be a place of comfort, without judgement. Just engaging with that individual is often enough - validation is a word that should be used more often. How often have we wished that someone would validate how we feel? To say that what we are feeling is legitimate, real, and true? That we are not , indeed, crazy, or "making up stuff", that we are not "hysterical", as history often portrays us women - What a person feels, be it man or woman, always needs that validation. "you are counted" is my explanation for compassion....Your opinions, your thoughts, your pain, your feelings about all things are counted and are noted as important in the Book of Time...............

Search

PS Just to say also that compassion does not in my interpretation, mean becoming that person - I believe that upholding your own personal values is the only way to helping anyone else- to give that person the strength to uphold their own values.............just to add the strength.

In my line of work, I have to mix compassion with truth...often difficult to do if a woman isn't ready for the truth. I also have to remove myself emotionally or I'd be a wreck!

Searcher, your words are so true.

Dianne, when I worked at Children's Services with abused kids and such, I took everyone of those little ones home with me at night - emotionally speaking. I got out of the business. How do you manage to remove yourself emotionally without having it effect the rest of your personal life? I just never managed to learn to do that.

I always felt I couldn't be any good to them if I was emotionally involved. I had to be the outsider, looking in to give the correct response.

How I managed to do it was from not doing it in the beginning and it bothering me too much. I guess I learned the hard way.

I think I know what both of you mean. Leaving the kids and their problems at school was one of the hardest things I learned to do. I don't know if I ever really did, even after over 30 years working in the schools.

A wise woman once told me, "We only have them 8 hours a day. We can't control what happens the rest of the time." She was right, of course, but that didn't keep my heart aching on numerous occassions.

Yeah, I really ached for the little ones, and I'm not a kid person. But they were helpless and I so wanted to help. So I decided to write stories that I hope will reach people and help them grow. Each of us finds our way to use our talents and make a difference.

That's exactly why I wrote my book. You can reach a few or hundreds.

Dianne, yes, writing is a good venue to get the message to those who need it. I didn't realize until I went to your site this time that you were the same Dianne who contacted me about my book. Love and compassion are so important to help others heal, and in the process of sharing it, we heal ourselves. Cool how that works.

Vi

I ordered the book about your brother from Amazon. Looking forward to reading it and will pass it on to a woman from my site who needs it.

It is cool how it works. The more we reach out, the better our lives become.

Vi, I can tell you for sure that Dianne is a very compassionate person and a good listener.

My former neighbor called me because she was contemplating suicide. She was in tears and hysterical. She said she felt, "worthless."

I asked her why she would ever think such a thing when she is a such a compassionate, caring person who raised three wonderful and intelligent children. I asked her how a person like that could ever be considered worthless. After gently talking to her for awhile she calmed down and said she felt better.

That was eight years ago. Her and her husband adopted a Chinese girl last August. I'm proud to say I was also a part in helping her qualify as an adoptive parent. She has given me the best compliment of my life. She says I "saved her life."

And, from time to time she still calls me when things get her down. I treasure her because she's comforted me too. We help one another lift the heavy weight from each other's shoulders. Isn't that what it's all about?

[ December 13, 2005, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: ladybug ]

Dianne, I hope the book helps the woman you told me about. I was pretty upset with the publisher - she changed some things in the book she should not have changed. But what you going to do? The main thing is if it helps someone. It's wonderful how you have/are making a difference.

Ladybug, I'm sure you did save your neighbor's life. Sometimes all it takes is one person to care enough to give encouragement. You are indeed a treasure. Yes, this is what it's all about.

Vi, thank you for posting such a profound topic that got us all thinking.

I'm glad. I so value the free expression of thought that allows for all to give their opinions in a kind and considerate way. It helps compassion and understanding to grow.

Hugs,
Vi

Vi,

You are so smart !!! I wish the world could have more of you...........

And Ladybug,

Subjects that get us all thinking is a good thing= many of us are just going thru' life on auto-pilot , which isn't life at all....We just need to be courageous, risk being called silly or stupid, crazy or nonsensical. Great things have come from just such "ridiculous thinking"....It's the thinking that counts......

Searcher, I agree. I have noticed that Vi starts some very interesting topics that really get us thinking and talking. Keep doing that Vi.

While it's nice to read about Barbies (one of my own "fluff" topics and similar items) it's even more important to discuss real issues.

Thanks for doing that and providing an atmosphere for "continuing education."

I think all of you are wonderful and compassionate with very big hearts.

Vi, why did your publisher change things in your book? Mine took out one entire chapter because she felt it repeated some things I'd already written but then, had me write an entire new chapter to replace it. I figured she knew what she was doing so I just listened to her wisdom.

Did it change the story in your mind?

They can DO that?

How's that work? That's just not right....not right at all..............

When I was writing my book I was careful to not place ly adverbs all over the place. My college writing instructor told me it was poor writing. He said that it is best to write a book in a way that gets the feelings across without using them much. I edited and rewrote for my two agents, one was Eleanor Freide. She's the brilliant woman who discovered Richard Bach of Jonathon Livingston Seagul fame. After I rewrote for Eleanor, I rewrote for the agent working with her, Barbara Bowen. They helped me cut out the junk and focus the story better. Eleanor is a legend in the publishing world. Eleanor told me the book was good as it was, so the publisher wouldn't require it to be rewritten. Wrong. There were somethings she insisted on. I had to interview one of the families of the people who died. I should have stood my ground and refused. It opened their pain all over again. And the problem was they didn't remember enough about what happened in the first five years after the murders. So I had to extrapolate. I shouldn't have done that. I let it slip about something else that had happened later, a visit to the parole board by my family and I, a couple of years after my brother was sentenced. The publisher insisted that I put that in, even though to reveal what I did put me and my family in danger. I shouldn't have caved to her. But once she knew about it, had I not written that part, she would have written it in in her own words, when I'd only told them a couple sentences about what happened. What uspet me the most was at the end of the book, I had written a little on each of the people on the other side of the murders, what they were doing now and how wonderful the one family was. The publisher watered it down so it was not the tribute to the beauty of their souls that I wanted. She insisted I use a real name. I had changed every one else's for their protection. She said she had to have real person. My last name is hyphenated. She didn't care that I used my husband's part of the name. But to me that's not my real name, my real name is hyphenated. And I was afraid someone would be able to find my mother that way. When I asked Mom is she minded if I write the story, she said, "It's okay if you think if will help somebody. Just don't let them find me."

Then when it came to touring I did two talk shows. When I refused to allow Dateline NBC to interview my mom, the publisher dropped the promotion. Publishers can be very cold. They knew ahead of time what I was and was not willing to do.

Oh, and the publisher reworded a lot of stuff. It annoyed me big time. I wrote this book from 1981 to 1993 when it was published. I didn't need her to "add her magic" and alter the soul of the book.

She made more changes after I got the galley, but I never read it again. I was so annoyed.

I've been told by my family members, the few who read it, that I did a good job. It was better after I rewrote it for Barbara and Eleanor and worse after the publisher was through with it. I have the rights back now, finally as of this year. I've considered finding a publisher and putting it out in paperback. But at this point I've decided against it...could change my mind in the future. I kept the wound open for 12 years to write, I'd rather not open it again.

Thanks for your support, Dianne, Ladybug and Searcher.

And Dianne, thanks for asking about the book.

[ December 14, 2005, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: Vi ]

I guess I was lucky. My publisher changed very little of my story. I also had a great editor.

I guess that sometimes these publishers know what they are doing but other times their egos get in the way and to put your family at risk just wasn't right. Just not right. That's ego driven and nothing else.

I believe your book has and will help many in this situation. Just like the woman on my site. Her sister killed her abusive husband and then, shot herself. It's been extremely hard on her and the family. Guilt, remorse, anger...a big mixture of very bad emotions.

Hearing these stories makes my blood boil. It reminds me of the Willie Nelson song, "Write your own Song." Anyone familiar with it and where he says they can put their changes in his songs?? Maybe that's what we should tell some of the publishers.

I submitted some stories to a publisher of religious books. The publisher sent me an email saying they wanted the stories and the word count was correct, but the stories would first go to the editors.

An editor emailed the stories back saying all of the proposed changes were in red and I should sign off on what I had received. The problem was there were only a couple of things in red and there were several changes in the black and white copy that were unmarked. The changes were not in my writing style and one was a grammatic error.

I was so infuriated that I wrote the publisher and without explanation said I was withdrawing the stories. The publisher called me and when I revealed what had happened I was told the editor was new. They apoligized and asked that I authorize publication of the stories as I had originally written them.

As I'm sure you know, the money in short stories is not worth a lot of hassle and the subterfuge of the editor took all the magic out of the whole thing. The deadline for the publication will soon pass and I haven't re-submitted.

I guess I'm just getting more hard headed in my old age! That kind of thing is only one more reason I don't care if I ever publish another thing.

smile

Dianne, of course to be fair, just writing the book put me at risk; my brother threatened me. I was willing to take that chance because of the potential good it could do. But the book did not put my parents at risk until the publisher insisted on that section or the publishing deal was off - or at least that's what she implied. I had to weigh the potiential good against the potential risk. The publisher's husband is an attorney. We couldn't afford an attorney. It can become a mess.

But it's over now. And I learned a lot from this experience. So like you say, "If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice." I gained a lot of strength from this experience, so I thank the publisher for that.

Smile, it's a bummer the way they treated you. The business is a hard one. For me, writing is one of the things I was born to do, so I will continue to publish, but like I said, I learned some things. I didn't think I went into the experience uninformed. I went to lots of conferences and took lots of classes, but sometimes things can be difficult anyway.

Vi

Ohhhhh,

I am sad now. Or still. I just cannot stand this that you women have such a difficult time publishing your books. And angry too. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling - having taken the courageous step to tell your story, and then to experience fear for your lives, only to have your story altered by someone who has not lived it!!!! What has our world become? Is it really worth the trouble to write? I am already tired. Can I , or you, continue to prevail under such circumsstances? Some people have posted that stress is cumulative. This I know is true. Not only from experience, but also from my classes - in fact, stress is what eventually kills people, it's not old age.....Well, I must REALLY be tired today, because, I'm ready to give up the idea of writing. Can't even begin to think of hassles which might be brewing............And normally, I love a good fight. What shall we do? Oh, I think I'll give up on this subject for now, must not be a good timne to think about it - maybe later............

Exhausted, Jawanna

Searcher,
Please don't allow my post to discourage you. My stories were just for fun. They had no message and would change no one's life. If you have something to say to the world you should publish.

Ignore me. I'm a grinch.

smile

Searcher,

You are exhausted because you are grieving. Grief is like that. In some ways I would guess that you can't imagine having one more thing go wrong. So rest. Grieve, heal. Write in your journal, if that helps you. Get in touch with the inner most part of your heart, the part where God lives, whatever you perceive God to be. When and if it is time to write your story, you will know. I do hope you do write. You are gifted in that area. Who knows, maybe by the time you are ready to publish I will be totally famous from my writing and can help you get your stuff published.

Love and healing to you,

Vi

Searcher, we've just pointed out some flaws in the publishing world but the good far outweighs the negative. Vi can tell you, just like me, when you hold that finished product in your hands it's a validation that can't be explained. All of the hard work, stress, doubts, opening of old wounds and the labor of love is suddenly something that can be used to help others understand and heal.

Vi,

You are exactly right. That is precisely how I feel. Just can't stand the thought that one more teeny weeny thing could go wrong.

I WILL write in my journal and I'll be anxiously awaiting the day when you are so famous that you can be my mentor (you already are tho')

Dianne, I'm feeling better this morning, and a little more like facing the world. And I'll believe you two, that it's all worth it .

Ok Grinch. I'll ignore you. (like that's possible )

Searcher, one day at a time. Keep using that journal.

Also, you might want to read Anne Lamott's book, bird by bird. She shares honest, warm and funny instruction on writing and life. Have you read any of her books?

Searcher...
You write with you heart, within that heart lies all you need to share with the world...
you know the story you need to share, and you will, it's a part of you thats not willing to be passed over.

You are going to reach all the souls, you need to reach with your love and compassion.

Never give up on your dreams.

One of the cool things that you ladies are doing in this thread is being compassionate. Thanks for demonstrating your inner beauty on this topic.

Thank YOU for starting it and allowing us the opportunity to do so.

Thank you Yep, and you are right. Dotsie, yes, one day at a time and thank you all for being comopassionate.......I will look up that book, Dotsie.

Searcher

You know what I think we need to give everyone for this holiday season, no matter which one(s) they are celebrating? Compassion. Let's wrap it in boxes and send it out to everyone, those we know and those we don't know. What do you say? Do you have any ideas how we can accomplish this?

Maybe hidden, random acts of kindness? Like secretly taking in an elderly or busy mother's trash can without her seeing it? Just a thought.

Dianne, my new neighbor recently commented to me, "boy the garbage collectors here really treat you well." She said this after noticing her garbage can was always brought up to her garage door. I never said a word. A few weeks later she noticed only her trash can and my elderly neighbor Marge's were the only ones taken up. She realized who was doing it and thanked me.

Ladybug you are such a sweetie!! ((HUG))

Ditto. You really are a giving, caring person.

Vi, great idea. I love it. I am going to follow your suggestion and try to be more compassionate this season. I love homework. I'm one of those weird people who ask for homework when I take Bible studies, etc. I also think ministers should end their sermons with weekly homework. That's how change happens. You have to start practicing a new behavior. Thanks for the idea.

Love/begins in the heart and wells outward. Even a smile can be received as an act of love and compassion by someone who is having a bad day. Remember that song from Sunday school, the words said, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine."

If we all take up shining the love from our hearts, it will become catching, 100th Monkey style.

I love to smile at strangers and especially here in TN because you always get a smile back. Now in France, if you do that they suspect you of something and give you a really strange look!

Almost everyone in my town smiles and says hi, even to strangers.

In the little town I live near everyone smiles at everyone too. When I was in New York City one time I decided to smile at everyone I saw. They looked at me like I was the axe murderer. But that's been a while. I hope it's changed.

I have smiled at people all over the world and at first they sometimes looked at me strangely, but if I just gave them another smile, even New Yorkers and Frenchmen eventually smiled back.

Like Vi said, it's catching.

smile

Southern people are so compassionate. I was doing a trade show in Lexington and was a little late getting set up. You should see the stuff I cart in to display on my table! A lady had a question about something and my throat was so dry I could barely croak out a couple of words. She immediately brought me 2 cups of water/ice. It touched me that she was so kind. After the show, the hospital (Shriners Hosp.) gave each of us a hospital t-shirt - and we vendors NEVER get any appreciation. I love southern hospitality!

When I was in Paris, we ran into a very friendly Frenchman, but my French friend who I was with said it was because he was a transplanted Italian man - haha!

Daisygirl

I also love the Southern people and I'm really going to miss them when I move.

Will you ladies do me a favor...be compassionate! If I start saying--you betcha, okey dokey or yaw, will you come to MN and take me away?

People in NE often display the Yankee reserve we're so famous for. But I find a smile gets a positive response most times. It makes me feel so much better to smile at everyone I see that I've taken to doing it automatically.

Some of my family married Southerners, people who "never know a stranger." I agree they are very friendly people. Some country folk are that way too. I live in a rural part of Oregon. When my friend/neighbor's house burned several years ago, people showed up from all over to help them tear out the burned sections and start rebuilding. They didn't have any house insurance. A lot of the people who showed up didn't even know my friends. They just came with their tools and asked what they could do, and started doing it. They donated things. It was very heart warming.

Vi, fabulous idea about the compassion thing!! And Dotsie, I like assignments too, well, I always love giving them anyways....

Dianne, my mother was from the south, but we grew up near Chicago. I moved to North Dakota for 18 years. So here's me : "Ya'll come over and let's go to da bears game, we'll have a great time, you betcha' !!! (and I think I've posted before, people in ND and Mn do too sound just like the movie "Fargo" !! Me included. Atho when I worked on the phones making reservations for Choice Hotels, people would call me the midwestern version of Fran Drescher!!! So imagine Fran Drescher saying all the above!!!!! LOL..

I'm picturing it. I'm getting there.

In the South, you can say horrible things about someone but if you follow it with a, bless her heart, it softens the words. Always cracked me up.

Now when Sammie starts saying "yaw, you betcha, and okee dokee, I promise to come a runnin and save you both, lol

Actually, it's "yahh, shurr, ya betcha."

I guess I wasn't putting the right touch to those words. Thanks Chatty. I haven't even developed a southern accent yet and I'm having to change regions again.

Diz said she wanted to be rescued too but because of the cold. Brrrrr

I grew up in Oregon, but the old people in my dad's family spoke "country". It was sort of like those who lived in the South and I loved it. So now, I'm writing a novel starring the old women in my family - fictionalized storyline. And I'm putting in all the you betchas, the tarnations, and the holy cows and all that. I love it. I makes me feel closer to them. I just love them. All of them are dead now. But I see them in my head and I hear them sometimes. And it's like they are with me. I believe they are. They were all strong women, with soft loving hearts who would give your their last bit of food, and you were always welcome at their house. We need more of that now. That's why I'm writing this story.

I feel that compassion is saying, "I'm so sorry for your loss. Even though I cannot identify with your loss, I'm always here as your friend to listen/pray with you", if you can not identify with that loss.

If you have, saying "I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. When you are ready to talk about it, I'm here to listen/pray with you".

Vi, my favorite from my relatives is, I'm fixing to get ready to...

My xhusband and his family were from the south. When my father died, the women of the family decided they would cook a meal for my family to have after the funeral instead of each sending flowers. They cooked a huge country meal and it was nice to not have to worry about it. My x's mother died when he was 8 and his father died when he was 12 and the oldest sister (at 21) took in 4 younger siblings. They knew all about loss and they were there to lift me up in mine.

I'm going to short out my keyboard with tears if I don't stop here - haha I do miss them.

Daisygirl

Can you imagine a 21 year old caring for four siblings. What a dear.

DJ, thanks for the suggestions on what to say. There was a time I had no idea. Now it's easier, now because I've been there. I think it's something kids need to be taught, so they won't feel so awkward around those who have experienced loss. It could be like teaching them manners.

Daisygirl, may your heart be wrapped in love and may this heal your pain.

This time of year it's sometimes harder, I think, because our loved ones that were once part of the holidays, are no longer here in person. Christmas songs can trigger the pain for me. That happened yesterday while I was shopping for my mom.

O you guyyyyyyys,

You make my heart bleed! I , indeed, cannot imagine a 21 year old caring for 4 siblings. But I know that she will be forever blessed because of it....Life has a way of rewarding just such gestures..........

And Yahh, shurr, ya' betcha, life's hard, but if ya'll just come on down t' my place, we'll treetcha right!!!! God Bless ya'll...........

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o and my granny used to say, "she's gonna' come an' carry me to the groshry sto'"......God Bless her Pea-Pickin' Heart............

Daisygirl,

I'm sorry. I'm thinking of you.

Thanks you guys, but really, I've been out of the family for 15 years and I don't dwell on it - I've moved on. I've seen them since at my son's wedding and they were all trying to get me back into the family. I told them they'd have to adopt a new brother. hehehe They don't like my replacement. If I wanted to see them, I could since they live close, but it's better for me to stay away because they always want to talk about my ex and keep me updated on how miserable he is.

Yes, the older sister who took them in is very special, now a widow. She had 4 girls of her own....you'd think she'd had enough of children by that time.

I was very fortunate to have had them in my life.

Daisygirl