Gims, I'm praying that you can feel at peace about whatever your choices are concerning your dad's eventual passing and the relationships with your family. Think peaceful thoughts. Try not to agonize over anything. Wondering how you're doing today...

Another sibling called earlier today to let me know she had just come from the hospice house and that she thinks Daddy knew who she was. I asked her (she's a nurse) what the term 'non-responsive' means, then. She said it has to do with his bodily functions... organs will slowly and methodically shut down. Some of his already have. He can't eat, drink, or even speak, because his throat muscles are uncontrollable.

So, I followed her visit with one of my own with the understanding that he can recognize us if we can get his attention. I just came from there. While one my 'the' sisters was there, along with an uncle and his lady friend, Daddy didn't seem to know who I was. But, the Uncle and his friend left, and my sister went to take her ritual drag, so I got up close and personal. I was able to get his attention, and asked if I could have a hug. He tensed his shoulder toward me... I knew that was a hug. I told him I loved him (after making a booboo), and let him go back to sleep.

I so appreciate the support you all are giving me for the 'feelings' I am experiencing. I do feel guilt.... but because the situation is so complicated and I can't rise above the adversity enough to damper the feelings and give every available ounce of good regard to my parents' last days.

My fear is that my hurts are keeping me from doing and acting the way I want to remember. This tide will recede and I'll be left with memories. I don't want to be making any more bad ones. I have enough of those. If we do have the right to feel any given way, based on our perceptions and understandings of our life events, where will our pardon lie when the whole story gets told? We are all in this together. (I'm talking on a universal plane, now.) I can't apply that philosophy (even though it is deep rooted in me) in this family situation. I've been burned too many times... I have a fear of being burned again. So, I've withdrawn. It's the easiest (and feels like the most self-preserving) option for me. Yet, in my withdrawn state, I still live the hurt. OK, now I'm crying... it seems so hopeless.

Thank you, dear ones, thank you.

Oh Gims, giant hugs are coming your way from ALL of us here. Do you feel it? Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and then allow yourself to feel all of us wrapping you in our arms. There! We're with you no matter what.

K

Yonuh, it sounds like you understand so well. Thank you! I'm banking on it being justifiable to feel any which way. You're a smart cookie, so you're words contribute some mighty fine support!!!

chatty, you are such a doll! thank you for being a friend. God bless you, enormously!

Lynn, this IS the only place I have to get the feelings (non-feelings) out. The rest of the world is too busy, and I don't want to be a bother. Here, one can post, and whether a response comes or not, the feelings are expressed/released. It IS therapeutic.((((hugs))))

EH, I'm breathing, and gathering in all the sweet, sweet sentiments of you gals... luv ya, EH.

Meredith, I know better... you, of all of us, are brilliant... I appreciate your being here!!!

chick, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Prayers have grown thin around here... our primary prayer warrior is one of the "medically incarcerated" parents. I will take and appreciate each and every prayer sent this way!!! (((HUGS)))

anno, It's comforting to read how you and yonuh think certain feelings are alright... knowing what you both have been through and what you are still experiencing. I have such high regards for the both of you... that adds more weight. thank you, too, for being here.

anne327, I've disconnected because it's the easy way out for me. I fought way too long to stay 'in.' I know that you know how a hospice stay can play out. It would be so nice to have someone like you - strike the 'someone like' and make it 'you' - next door, esp. since you have the perspective of being an only... each of my family is dealing with a spread (ten layers deep) of differing temperaments. Not a good thing. I'll listen to anything and everything you have to say, and take it to heart.

I've come to the point that I don't want to feel anything, anymore.... rather live a numb-founded life.
But, then I 'feel' so cared for by all of you, that I decide differently. Thank you MA, you are another whose wisdom I long to hear.

gims,
You are in my prayers! You have every right to feel whatever, complexities come along. Friends here understand. I know that.
And all of us care about you. Hang in. And hang on. And feel all the love boomers here send your way!

OH Dancer, I hear ya. My parents feel like strangers to me.... but, because I have found out so much over the past four drama filled years, I have a new understanding of why I was treated the way I was. It doesn't make it easier to accept, but it does give it a different hue. I hope you aren't at war with your feelings when it does come time for your parents to pass on to glory. I understand yonuh's relief - a reprieve from the burden and responsibility that comes with caring for a loved one, esp. one that appears to be an ingrate.
Your case is similar, but not the same, as mine. Because of that, I say... I hope it's not a feeling of relief for you... maybe an 'oh, well'... but then again, as you all have expressed so clearly, each feeling is acceptable.(((Hugs)))

dotsie, I willingly accept your prayers for peace. Really that's all I want... peace in my heart and mind, as well as in my family. And, I'd like to have it before my parents pass.
The battle in my heart and head often keep me from thinking anything but tumultuous thoughts, a long range from peaceful thoughts. But, I will give it every effort. Today - life sucks, because nothing, absolutely nothing, is in our hands.

Kathy.... giant hugs back to you!!!! YES, I DO FEEL IT!!!
I think so highly of each of you ladies, here, and OH IF I COULD JUST PUT INTO WORDS HOW MEANINGFUL your kind words ARE!!! Thank you kathy!!!

OK, I'm bawling NOW!!!!
No sooner do I get a post composed and sent, than another of you wonderful people pop in!
Jabber, I just caught yours. Thank you, too, for adding your sentiments... greatly appreciated sentiments!!! Knowing you all are here makes it easier to hang in and hang on - and I definitely am feeling the boomer love!!!! (HUGS)

Remember Gims, day or night, you can call me, collect if need be. I am use to being called in the middle of the night, and have a great cheap phone plan. You never need to be alone, someone is always here and ready to listen. As my PM said, anytime, day or night!!!

be strong, or not, gims, it is all about you, really. your father will go to a better place and be pain-free and you will live in this world, as you said, where we all belong together.
some of us are not as close as others but, yes, we all have our meaning to our lives.
you have done, it seems, from what you have said, a great job of handling this.
Please hang in there and know that I, as well as all of us here are feeling with you and can feel your posts.
Dancer

What can I add to this gims? You know that I know some of your stuff due to our exchanges out of the forum. I'm aching for you and want you to know that I'm here also. You've already received good advice for this time....breathe deeply, don't agonize over the past issues and feel all of our love from here. We're here always. Please feel our warm hugs from all over the world!