Thanks Jabber,

I'm still in limbo. Because I'm on vacation from work next week, I am supposed to be talking to hubby, but there is always something putting it off. Today it's Valentine's Day, tomorrow, it's dinner at mother in law's,(definitely not a good time) Monday, I'll be spending the day with a friend. When is the right time! Plus, I don't know how to begin. He burys his head in the sand, which makes it difficult to have a serious conversation about our situation. We just go about our business as if nothing is wrong, which makes it more difficult for me. However, I am determined to try and discuss things openly and honestly with him and hope he reciprocates. What I get a bit angry about is that he KNOWS our marriage is over, but for some reason is very reluctant to accept it.

Thats called SELFISH Expat, he doesn't want the marriage but he also doesn't want to be uprooted, have to fend for himself and lose things like his home. His acting as if everything is the same as usual going out together etc. is proof of that. These dam men want their cake and to eat it too. You know the divorce if there is one, will be up to you to start, monitor and end. The men are never any help unless there is another woman involved coaching him from the other side...

VERY good feedback, Chatty. He has no reason to end it because 1: his head IS in the sand (can't SEE worth a darn!) 2; he gets all he needs.....since he is emotionless, he gets NO emotion back (due to Expat living like a robot); he gets food, clean laundry etc.

Expat....if YOU want it, YOU will need to do it...or not. Plain and simple.

I don’t know if I shared this story on line or not. It’s a true story that happened in my home town. About 4 years ago, a group of boomer women met weekly to meditate. Of course it wasn’t just meditation, they all became good friends, and shared their deepest secrets. Within two years, every single woman in the group got a divorce. There were 8 of them!

Four of the ladies, got together and bought a house in South France, opened a wine and dine restaurant (that in France!) and run an artsy boutique on the side. I know all this so well, because I got the contract to sell all 4 of their houses.

Each of their x- husbands told me the same story. Not one of them admitted having a clue that his wife was so unhappy. They were all in shock, and didn’t know what hit them. Okay, I got to admit, maybe bad talking men can be damaging to a marriage, especially some marriages that could be saved;…but still it goes to show how men live in their cotton candy world. No wonder they don’t change, because they can’t believe they are walking a tight rope, no matter how often you tell them that.

The only thing that changed my husband, to the better, is the physical change. I moved out; it took only one weekend. But if a man doesn’t change after that,…I don’t believe he ever will.

Thanks for all your feedback. Chatty, you are absolutely right. He has always been a selfish man. I do believe the reason he is being so nice is for exactly what you said. He doesn't want to lose the house, etc. You are also right about "another woman". However, I surmise it has been his mother and sister who "coached" him into manipulating his way back into the house after our original separation. (although, I can't rule out another woman, as I've suspected there might be. But, as he has said himself, I can't prove it) Being his sister is divorced, she would know that not having any young children at home, there would be no legal reason for me to stay here. What my husband doesn't know is that I will be letting him stay in the house. I will be moving out.


This leads me to you, Edelweiss...

First of all, I want to say how happy I am that things worked out after you left your husband. The two of you obviously love each other enough to work at your marriage. Mine is a different case.....Our separation did indeed change him. He does go out of his way to be nice to me, but I need more. As Di said, it's the emotional side of it for me that's lacking. Having had 20 years of both controlling behaviour and neglect, I don't feel the same for him. So, he may be able to turn on his "switch" and become very nice, I can't start loving him again at the drop of a hat. His gestures all seem very superficial.

I know I have to be the one to make the move, and I realize I keep putting it off by waiting for the right time. But it's important for me to be in the right frame of mind. If I so much as shed one tear, I put myself in a vulnerable situation and he will grab the opportunity to try and change my mind. When I think of it, it's ridiculous to be afraid to talk with your own husband, and I know it's my insecurity that is making me feel this way, but I need to prepare myself. Again, ridiculous for an almost 55 year old woman!

By the way, I loved the story about those 8 friends who all divorced their husbands. The ones you mentioned certainly sound as if they made the right move. Now, if the majority of men are in their own little world,(there has to be some out there who know what is going on with their wives) why do they get married at all?

My husband lacks visible emotions, but he's a carbon copy of his mom: looks, actions, mannerisms, intelligence, likes and dislikes. He's a product of his environment, so I really can't
fault the guy. But IMO many men, at least the ones I've encountered, live in their own little world. I wonder if they
get married, so they can be king of their own castle? Or to have
somebody take care of them? Or someone cook for them; clean for
them; do their laundry; etc., etc. Just thinkin' out loud here!

Expat...I feel for you. Having gone thru something similar (as you know) it is not easy. BUT, I'm thinking that, instead of being in a vulnerable state of mind you need to be in a "MAD" state of mind.

Be prepared for him to cry, and hem and haw and beg to change. But stand firm. The damage has been done.....and I know you've "warned him" thru the years. Too late....the niceties that he is doing, he needs to be told, is "NOT WORKING"! They do not get into your heart deeply enough to FEEL the motion and get it back.

I agree with you Jabber and mine is no exception, I know. The difference with me is that I just wasn't allowed to be me. I wasn't given any freedom to make decisions without his "permission". He took control over EVERYTHING! Oh, I was allowed to bring up the children (more or less on my own) and him, but the "couple" part of our marriage disappeared with his selfishness. A marriage isn't supposed to be that way. There should be respect for each other's opinion, and I never had that. Sometimes it felt as if he was digging my grave. Slowly but surely, I was dying inside because of his behavior. He took away my spirit and I need to get it back. Not only for my sake, but for my son's. He is floundering at the minute and it breaks my heart. My husband has "left" his well being to me,(another sign that he's never been "into" the children) but I need to help myself first in order to help him. And, although I probably shouldn't say this, but I would do anything for my children!

Right, Expat. There was NO his/hers but all mine, mine, mine. And you, "wife" just follow orders"!

Expat, I was told that I could only do things "within reason". Whose reason was that? His. I felt trapped and controlled.

I'm so much happier alone.