Looks like in the area of counselling, adult sibling therapy is occasionally useful if there are problems.

Article mentions impact of siblings on one's own development. It is laboratory testing ground for first time in life for dealing with: conflict, rejection, affirmation, love, etc. How true (for me). That we spend more time with our sibs. vs. our parents when growing up. I never really thought about the impact of siblings much on my own development. But yea, I'm probably shaped by it..the birth order thing has abit of an impact. The reverse happenend too, I probably affected others without realizing.

Cain and Abel, meet the couch
As their mothers and fathers enter nursing homes, adult siblings are seeking therapy together to heal old wounds and to strengthen their bond for the remainder of their lives
ADRIANA BARTON
From Tuesday's Globe and Mail
May 5, 2009 at 8:47 AM EDT
VANCOUVER — When Vicki Sussman was growing up, her dad was explosive, her mom let emotions fester inside and her older brother would hit her with little provocation, she says.
As an adult, says Ms. Sussman, now a university administrator in Cleveland, she rarely spoke to her brother. Then, as they neared middle age a few years ago, she and her two siblings decided to deal with their family's anger-management issues.
So they booked a weekend of adult sibling therapy.
Working with a family therapist, they spent three days doing art exercises, talking about their parents and charting out the dysfunctions in their family tree. "It was completely exhausting," Ms. Sussman says.
But during the session, she realized that all three children had suffered neglect, and that her brother's hostility was an attempt to get their parents' attention, she says.
Ever since that weekend four years ago, she adds, "my anger towards him really feels resolved."
Sibling rivalry has been around since Cain and Abel. Experts say it's particularly intense when siblings are of the same gender and close in age - such as the Corleone brothers' lethal rift in The Godfather or the tennis-court competition between Venus and Serena Williams.
But the urge to reconcile with siblings is equally strong, according to psychologists, and usually grows in adulthood. As marriages fail and close friends move away, individuals begin to realize that bonds with brothers and sisters are potentially the longest relationships of their lives.
In the past 15 years, adult siblings have become a growing area of psychological and sociological study. There's greater awareness that siblings spend more time together in childhood than they do with their parents, making siblings a major influence in a person's development.
The aging population has drawn attention to adult siblings as well. Baby boomers tend to have many brothers and sisters. And as their mothers and fathers enter nursing homes, adult siblings are seeking therapy together to heal old wounds and to strengthen their bond for the remainder of their lives.
"When the parents are gone, siblings are the only link to your childhood," explains Karen Gail Lewis, a family therapist with offices in Cincinnati, Ohio, and Washington, D.C.
The sibling relationship is the laboratory where a person learns to deal - or not deal - with issues such as conflict, rejection and affection, Dr. Lewis says.
She has offered weekend retreats for adult siblings for more than 10 years. In many cases, clients begin the therapy after issues come up in individual counselling.
For example, Dr. Lewis says, her clients' sibling relationships often parallel their romantic relationships. "Where they get stuck in a marriage is almost always where they were stuck in childhood with their siblings."
This link is based on her clinical observations and not on longitudinal studies, she notes.
Disagreements about how to care for an elderly parent is a common reason for adult siblings to enter therapy together, says Bea Mackay, a Vancouver-based psychologist.
In many cases, one child is expected to shoulder the burden while the others abdicate their responsibility. "It's often the same pattern from childhood," she says.
But siblings can help one another change their perceptions of childhood events.
"It's like they revisit history and come up with a new picture of old stuff," Dr. Mackay says. With this new picture comes the opportunity to make peace and engage together in new ways.
In a therapy session, Dr. Mackay acts as a filter to help siblings better communicate. The process is similar to marriage counselling, she says, except it doesn't take as long. "Usually we're able to get to the heart of the matter quite quickly. It's often only a few sessions."
Siblings rarely refuse to show up for one another in therapy, according to Marvin Todd, a specialist in the field and the author of Linked for Life.
"Siblings are wonderful historians for each other," he adds.
Michael Klein, Jr., an orthopedic surgeon in Sacramento, Calif., says he entered therapy to deal with depression. Then he realized there was a five- to seven-year gap in his childhood that he could barely remember.
His three adult siblings, with whom he rarely spoke, agreed to fly into Sacramento and meet with him in his therapist's office.
Dr. Klein says he spent much of the five-hour-long session listening as his brother and two sisters talked about the forgotten years of his life.
They described his father as a pathological liar and his mother as an enabler, and shared memories of being unable to rely on either parent. "It was painful for me," Dr. Klein says. "I sat there and cried."
But that one session turned their relationship around, he says. Today, he and his siblings enjoy weekly phone calls together and visit one another regularly.
"Whatever that little burning ember was among all of us," Dr. Klein says, "the sibling family therapy was a breath of fresh air that caused it to glow."


http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/s...lifeFamily/home

Interesting article, Orchid. I wonder if there is a stronger closeness in small families versus large ones. My husband comes from a large family, and they aren’t close at all. Compared to my brother and myself, we talk a couple of times per week and email almost daily. He is my biggest confidant, and I’m his.

I liked this article and found it to be very informative. I come from a large family, (four sisters) and we are very tight. We talk almost every day, travel together, and when someone is sick, it's like we form a wall around them, to protect the sick one.

Mom and dad always said, when you turn around, the only one standing there is your family. I've always found that to be true, for the most part.

I like that the article quoted Dr. Gail Lewis...she is a member of the NABBW.

I get angry with myself when I think in negative terms and then
make negative statements. I admire family ties: big or small families. I have friends from large, happy families, all very
close. Same for smaller sibling units. IMO it's a tie.

I'm thinking I understand your hidden meaning, but your comment on climbing a wall in the sentence doesn't make sense to me Jab....EW question was that she wondered if there is a stronger closeness in small families versus large ones. I was just answering how my large family is close, that's all.

Jawjaw,
I understand why you didn't understand. My bio family was huge;
but life dismanteled all family members to the point we were unable to reunite in harmony. Unless you'd experienced something along those lines, I'd expect that "wall" reference to be clear as mud. Sorry, jj. Had a weak moment, there! And I don't even like it when I go too deep. Before you posted a reply, I had decided to come back in and edit #181597 but didn't get to it fast enough. Spin it into a joke, my friend. And have a good laugh!

While I'm touched to read that a number of people have been able to resolve childhood issues, I don't believe that your family is the only one standing there when you turn around -- at least not in my family. I think it's largely the luck of the draw and my husband and I didn't get hit with the lucky stick in this area. My brother is great -- and that's it. Not only will some of these siblings never be any help, they have caused enormous emotional and financial problems -- to the extent that we had to take legal action to keep some of them from interfering with my MIL's care. If I had to rely on any of them I'd be in the street. There are significant problems in my own family that will never be resolved and I have had to accept what I cannot change and just try to be nice to them from a distance.

Frankly, at my age I have had all the crazy I can stand. If I never saw some of these folks again I'd be fine with it. I don't wish them any harm but I sure don't wish for any more closeness. You would not believe some of the crazy e-mails they send and the drama they delight in; I could write a book but people would think I made it up. I truly wish they could resolve their own problems, but they're not taking me down with them.

By the way, I'm glad to have my uncle and my brother and glad to know everyone isn't as crazy as we are!

Ellemm, I can certainly understand your feelings about your family after having experienced things such as you mentioned, and nobody can say ALL FAMILIES are like this way or that...that would be like saying all husbands are great. Puleaseeee. LOL!

But...in my parent's defense, as if they need one, they were referring to our own family. As I said, for the most part, it has been a true experience for me. ME. Just ME.

Jab, I felt that you were expressing the "inside story" of which we aren't privy. My heart goes out to you for even having to host those feelings. I agree 100%, unless you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, a person has no idea. Amen.

When my parents die, probably there will be more accentuated differences in closeness amongst siblings in our family. I agree the relationship dynamics amongst some siblings in some families, can be quite toxic that complete reconciliation is impossible. (Ellen, I'm glad at least you have 2 relatives that you can have a happy relationship.) But I trust all my siblings to the extent that when I become incapable, to look after my financial affairs, etc. without cheating/lying to me. I trust them instinctively this much.

The only advantage of a larger family where there are alot more siblings is the higher probability, not guarantee , that there would at least 1-2 siblings where one would have a healthy/friendly relationship for life.

I come from a family that is highly vocal in disagreements and expression of anger. But it is also a family that does work to ..forgive the other person to allow the person back into the family fold/other siblings' lives. Often for minor arguments we just steam angrily for at most a day or so and it's over/forgotten. I do credit my parents setting the example themselves and raising us in a way to care for each other without leaning much on their "favourite" child of the moment. They each asked of us, at different times of our lives, to consider one another respectfully. At that time, when we were younger we probably didn't understand the importance of what they were trying to teach us.

Back to one of the pts. of the article, was how siblings influenced my development...hard to figure out for myself, except as the oldest, it did put me in position that my parents expected me to look after the younger ones and to set a good example. ...which for a teenager, is a tiring, boring role.

I distinctly remember in my teens, lying bed, tired, wondering why was I ever born first in line. No one ahead of me to help make it easier. I also at that age, was getting bored hanging out with siblings.

Then several years ago, my siblings half-jokingly cursed that they had to find a way to stand out from the shadow of the older sibs who paved the way..in school, etc.

This is EXACTLY where I am with my family. In fact, had I known better, I'd have thought I created your post in 'pseudo' mode, Ellemm... but, I know you're not me, nor I, you... we we must be experiencing some of the same types of familial lunacy. I am trying to come to grips with my part in the mess surrounding me.

I have recently been crippled by the emotional tears. I've visited the chiro, as that has always helped in the past, even though it has taken multiple visits. I've been in such pain, I couldn't wait for the adjustments to kick in. So, after receiving a newsletter from a local 'mind, body, spirit' center, having their grand opening and offering 15 minute sessions for $10, I decided to visit the Holistic Massage therapist being featured for the month. By the time I left (second message in my life), I was in tears. She only worked on my neck and upper torso --- so much was going on in those areas --- while she worked she asked questions that I could answer yes or no to. Within two questions, she'd hit on the very cause of my upset.

I, too, am from a large family... six girls, two boys. There was a lose of one child, so we were virtually two sets of children. Back to the therapist... she said that the dissension manifesting itself now all stems from our mom's DNA. Somehow, she said (but I know full well the reason), our mom had to squelch her inner self, and become dominate to survive... and with eight children, she had to survive, esp. since she was the primary bread winner, my Dad's business being seasonal (before he went into the ministry). Anycahoo, according to the therapist, our mom's DNA of dominance has been passed down to her women offspring - the six of us girls - and THAT is what is causing the negative cloud to linger over us.

I'm the weakest (as in emotional stability) of the six girls, even though I'm second in line --- I came 14 months after the 'Princess' daughter, then 10 months before the 'cherub-ly fat' young brother. At mid-50, I came into my own, knowing I am equal to the worth of any and all of them... the problem is the others don't know it yet. I've lost contact with all my siblings but one, as of last week. I just can't put up with the C**P any longer!

Will we ever revive the 'closeness' we once have... as I see it, this very minute, NO... do I want to... at this very minute, NO. I hold no angst toward any of them. I think they are all wonderful and special in their own right... but, I can live without them --- qualifier: at this minute.

Cain and Able --- what would have happened if there had been more than two of them in the mix...?

thanks for the article, orchid... I'm passing it on... as for siblings influencing us... I think I saw what NOT to do when with them (and I was close to all of them, in one way or another throughout our childhood years)... I was definitely 'different' than all of them in a sense. I've always attributed this to guardianship by the most protective of angels.