Hi ladies. I need a little advice and a big kick in the pants to get something done.

Awhile back I met a nice guy and fell head over heels for him. All is well, except he’s pushing hard for marriage. He’s in another country, but he’s worked here before so I don’t think that is any motivating factor.

Long story short, he is very needy in some ways. And I’ve found he is pretty much broke too. It doesn’t feel right anymore, so I need to say goodbye.

I know I shouldn’t have any trouble with this, I am 50 years old. But how do I go about this in a kind way? This is strange, but aside from getting divorced, I’ve NEVER broken up with anybody before.

Thanks.

WW

Growing up I had a nodding acquaintance with the truth. As I matured, I found that being honest and upfront saved the day. I didn't have to remember who I told what, AND I also didn't have to cover my tracks.

While the truth may seem to hurt others for a bit, they will recover...and don't you owe this to them, and yourself? I say be honest and forthright with him.

Tell him that you have enjoyed the time you've had together and will always think of him in kind ways, but the time has come for you to take a different path; yet you wish him well. Be honest, be kind, but be yourself! I've always felt you were a very smart woman, so I'm sure you will find the way. I'm positive!

Thanks Jaw Jaw, I know you're right.

I guess part of me is feeling guilty because the money part is so important. We all have problems and such, and I'd hate it if I was the one without and somebody judged a relationship with me based in big part on that. But, his situation is his own doing, he chased a dream for a couple of years (took a sabbatical), had a great time, and now it's time to buckle down again. And the job market is in the toilet everywhere. He's got some big debt too, and although he says he'll "take care of it", it worries me.

He DID say get a pre-nup and he'd sign anything I put in front of him. But I just can't do it.

I work hard every single day. I can take care of myself just fine, but my ex was a spender and I am paranoid about having money problems down the road.

Thanks for listening, as always!

WW

Making judgments of people is not the same as evaluating their commitment to you, in the long run. It sounds to me as if you are giving it due diligence as far as your own needs and if they are not being met, or if you have no expectation of them being met in the future, then I would have to come to the same conclusion as you basically already have. You answered your own question when you said, his situation is his own doing, he chased a dream for a couple of years (took a sabbatical), had a great time, and now it's time to buckle down again. And the job market is in the toilet everywhere. He's got some big debt too, and although he says he'll "take care of it", it worries me.

It wouldn't be the pre-nup that would concern me, it would be the lackluster approach to "chasing a dream," if that DREAM was having fun for a year...with no direction. I may be reading that wrong, too. Forgive me if I am but that's how I read it.

We have to all find what suits us and our hearts; AND our journey in life. It sounds as if you've already made the decision that this isn't right, but the actual breaking up part is your quandary. I just bet you figure out what to do. I have faith in you!

Actually it was a 2-year break that began with moving to be with a long-term girlfriend. Three months later that had ended and he moved on, traveling around for another year +. The two year break culminated in training for a new line of work (fun, but low paying, and not very in demand). Then back home (and now living with relatives) because the money ran out.

He isn't lazy, but is lonely and wanting to start life anew with someone special.

The physical attraction is great, that's part of the problem. It's been MANY years since I've had those kinds of feelings for anyone. He treats me very well, except for one anger episode when I told him I wanted to slow things down. I made him leave my house at that time and haven't seen him since (but we are talking).

He is very apologetic, and I believe him.

Red flags galore, and "good stuff" mixed in as well.

Lord help me do this, and soon.

WW

What would you advise me to do, if I were presenting a case such as yours to you.
Reread everything you've written, distancing yourself from the emotion and pretending I wrote it all... what would you suggest I do?

One question - what is the likelihood that the family he is living with is ready for him to find his own place?

I know Gims, I would advise "run like the wind." It would be easier if he wasn't so darn nice and willing to work on everything. Long before we ever met in person (and had a romantic interest in each other) he expressed the desire to find someone to love and settle down. Of course, I didn't know it then but he was probably emotionally rebounding from the earlier lost relationship. Although it "had" been over for over a year when we first talked.

Send good vibes for strength and determination, I'm going to need it.

Boomer Women Rule! LOL...

WW

Oh WW....when I read that, "he is willing to bla...bla...bla." the first thing that entered my mine was, "he has nothing to lose, everything to gain, why wouldn't he?"

Forgive me if I am overstepping my boundaries. I will repeat that I believe you to be a strong, determined and intelligent woman and you will do what's best for you.

Gims, I'm so glad to see you here! Hey, maybe it's ME that's been missing?

You're not overstepping a THING Jaw Jaw. Yes, I am strong, determined and intelligent. That doesn't mean I don't need a swift kick every now and then to remind me to stay true to myself when I start to waver (over a good-looking, younger-than-me man).

LOL...

WW

Hi WW. Sorry to hear you're going through this and I understand the struggles you're feeling. JJ and Gims give profound and honest answers.
Sometimes the heart can over-ride the brain when it comes to feelings and emotions for another person. You see all the good and want to downplay the negative/red flags in hopes that the good will be enough.
The main red flag (and I see several) that stood out to me is the guy getting 'angry' because you asked him to slow down.
I'm concerned that you felt guilty for his financial situation. Honey, it's a good thing to worry about something like that. Maybe I'm old fashioned (I'm 58) but I believe it's a man's responsibility to pay his bills, support his wife and family and not run away from his obligations to play for a year. Then look for a woman to rescue him while he gets back on his feet and get angry with her when she isn't moving as fast as he'd like her to.
I know I'm being kinda blunt about this but if you rescue this guy you'll be rescuing him for the rest of your life...probably. I could be all wrong here.
How long have you known him? How long did he know you before wanting to get married. How long did you know him before he got angry with you for wanting to slow down?
I'm not trying to say he's not a good guy...but, he doesn't sound very responsible to me.
You say you're attracted to him...that's wonderful, but it's what's on the inside that really counts. If you do marry this man and he ends up not changing, no matter how cute he is now, it's going to get ugly and you're going to be the one carrying all the responsibility in the relationship.
Another question...how did he get so in debt? Do you know what his debts are? I know that today a lot of people are having financial struggles because of the economy.
To me, and this is just my ever-so-humble-opinion...a real man is able to support his family from the get-go. And he won't expect you to become his wife until he's straightened out his debts.
I'd take JJ's advice in how to say goodbye...she's got a good head on her shoulders.