Whirlwind, I smell a bit of desperation on his part. When I smell that, regardless of the situation, I smile and walk away.

Sounds to me WW, like it would be best to dump him and his baggage now then to marry him and get embroiled in a real mess if and when he reverts back to his angry, childish behavior, and he could!!! If you like the sex part, keep him around for a boy toy but I wouldn't marry this guy before he has proven himself worthy for a lot longer. He's not even married and already talking about a prenup, whats that about? Besides once married his problems, debts etc., become yours as well, believe me I learned this the HARD way!!!

Yeah, that angry night was bad. It was the only time I saw that side of him. Called me ugly names, threw a pair of shoes at the wall. Later called, cried, was very apologetic, said that had never happened before (which after talking to his family I believe). I still haven't seen him again, we've just talked.

He is doing everything I ask, even if he doesn't like it. I "am" in control as to when or if we see each other again, when we talk, etc.

Not sure where the debt came from. When the house sold, he used those proceeds to travel instead of paying off the credit cards. Says he can make the payment and not to worry about the rest, to put in the pre-nup that the debt is his and his alone (but it is around 30 grand).

I know you all are right. I know what the right thing to do is. I'd just like to give it some more time and see if he straightens himself out. But he wants exclusive commitment in the meantime, he doesn't believe in dating more than one person at a time.

I guess what really bothers me more than anything is, I know in his heart he is sincere and really wants a commitment and family and love. He's proven that with his own family, and with his attitude (and meeting) mine. And his bad choices earlier in life are going to prevent me from being able to be "the one".

This will probably be taken care of by the weekend. I'll be sad, but I'll be OK. I always am, just like the rest of you.

Thanks again...

WW

WW, thank God for our sensible minds. I think they develop better and better as we age. I've been in many a heated argument, but never has a man thrown shoes around. That is a big no no. And come to think of it, I've never thrown anything either. I think while throwing, I'd be angry about having to clean up afterwards.

Calling someone ugly names, throwing things, apologizing and saying it never happened before, are all signs of an abusive personality. I bet it has happened before, and will happen again. Been there. The other sign of an abusive personality is pushing for intimacy and/or marriage too soon. I think you have identified a lot of red flags here. I have a friend who was divorced for years, had a good life, retired with plenty of income, her own home. She met a guy taking dancing lessons, he was broke, unemployed and pushed and pushed until she let him move in with her after two months. He kept pushing for marriage even though she claimed she did not want to get married. Well, after a year, they got married. She supported him for awhile until she demanded he get a job, which he did and kept that for awhile, got fired, got another job and was let go from that, and she is back supporting him. She has totally changed. Her friends and family have a hard time being around her. It is sad.

I'm not an attorney but I think his debts are your debts once you marry...prenup or not. I don't think the creditors care a rats you know what if there's a prenup or not. You take his name...you take his debts.
And pushing early on and hard to get married is a sign of neediness and insecurity...not confidence and maturity. Pitching a fit (he says only one time...I do NOT believe that at all) means you didn't give him control and he handles that by being physical...truth is you don't know how far this person may go if he doesn't get his way. There are a lot of women in their graves from guys they trusted.

I'd run like my pants were on fire from this guy.

Two more tidbits, then I’ll stop sharing about this.

Like most everyone on the planet, I have a Facebook page. The other night, I deleted a few photos of “us” from one of the albums on my page. Less than three minutes later, my phone is ringing, wanting to know if we were “broken up”, and why I was taking the photos of us off there. I told him that he had those same photos and if he wanted to see them he could look at his own site or computer.

The next day, he said he’d talked to his brother about it and they’d decided I was “sanitizing” my Facebook page for whatever reason, and that was fine. But please let him know next time I was going to do something like that so he wouldn’t be blindsided by it, that would just be a courteous thing to do. Also said he didn’t sleep very well after that wondering what was up.

He wants to talk and say I love you before bed every night. A few days ago, it was late, I was tired, so I sent a “good dreams, sleep well” text (and we’d already talked for an hour earlier in the evening). He texted back with the “I love you”, but I didn’t return the sentiment, instead I sent “xoxo”. The next morning I had an email (written in the middle of the night) saying if I couldn’t say it or return the words, did that mean I didn’t love him anymore. I HAD said those words three or four times in the earlier conversation.

Maybe somebody else can learn a bit from this. It has certainly been eye-opening for me, and I’ll be much more on the lookout for warning signs from now on.

I feel for your friend cyclinggal. I do NOT want to end up like that.

WW

It was easy to get sucked in, some of the stuff he said sounded so “reasonable.” Like once he moved here and found a job, he’d be able to contribute to the household. And since he’d probably have to travel a bit for work, he wouldn’t be “in my face” all the time and I could have some of the “alone time” I cherish so much. And he’d make friends and have other interests besides “me.”

Those statements don't sound like a “needy” person.

I still should have paid more attention to the other red flags though. Another "difficult" lesson learned.

No, those statements sound like he knew just what you wanted to hear and he said it...

Good LORD Whirlwind, can you say INSECURE!!! This guy reminds me of a stalker, a mental stalker, is he kidding that you need to tell him before you change your own site, WHAT??

I hate to be blunt but after reading every word you've written, this guy is a LOSER big time...He shows ALL the signs...

You had best cut the cord and run, run run!!!

The goodbye email is drafted and will be sent first thing tomorrow morning. I'll be at work, so "unavailable" to chat or talk or email. By tomorrow night he'll have had hours to process it, so hopefully that will make it easier and my phone won't ring tomorrow night. (And if it does, I'm not going to answer anyway).

When we talked tonight, he said he wanted to drive down here tomorrow, even if just for a couple of days because he misses me so much (GAG). Then he could go visit friends for the week, then back here for the following weekend. He's not trying at all to get his life together.

And I tried to steer the conversation toward productive stuff, and all he will talk about is our love, and how we connect, and how much he misses me and wants to be here. (GAG!!!)

Somehow after today this is not going to be hard at all. Funny how the right mindset makes all the difference in the world.

Thanks ladies for all of your support and advice. Love you all!

WW