Those of you who know me know I adore kids...I have two neighborhood children whose Mother (I'll call Jane) I just found out, is and has been addicted to pills for years. This woman's oldest daughter (18) (I'll call her Amy) confided to me this afternoon about how bad her Mother really is...she says her mom works, comes home, pops pills and passes out in the bed. She said when her baby sister was brought home from the hospital 10 years ago that it was she, Amy, who fed and rocked her.
Amy's mom has told me that her husband accuses her of being addicted to pills but she says she needs them for depression, pain, etc. Her other children (from her current marriage...I'll change their name to protect them)...are Judy 10 and Joey 4. Judy and I are very close (she's in the picture with me in the swing) and told me on more than a dozen occasions how her mom always breaks promises, doesn't clean the house, doesn't let her do anything and hates living at home. Joey is still too little to express some kind of opinion although the cursing and fighting that goes on in that household is taking its toll on these children. Amy told me today how Judy has been cursed at (GD Judy, etc.). The husband, I'll call Jack, was drunk (or high) the evening I walked Judy home...the house was not just cluttered, it was filthy...disgusting.
Amy wants to leave but feels the only protection her siblings have is by her staying there. Amy works and is a freshman in college and is a bright and beautiful young lady...she expressed her low-self esteem issues and I know they've come from her environment. The truth is Amy is very strong, smart and I want so much to help her.
I do not know what to do.
Jane also has a spending problem...Amy said that in one month $3000 was spent and there's nothing to show for it...the credit cards are being used again and Jane told me the other day she doesn't have two nickles to rub together. Jane told me she and her husband have slept in seprate bedrooms for 2 years...their son sleeps with dad, their daughter with her. She said she does not love her husband and would leave the marriage if she could afford to but is trapped because she and the kids would have no way to live.
Jane came over tonight and she was on something...I could tell she'd just woken up and her speech was slurred.
Jane asked if I was going to the fair...and Judy popped up and said, 'mama never takes me anywhere. mama comes home and goes to bed and we don't do anything together.' Her mom sat there and didn't say anything. I never realized how much or bad things are until today when Amy opened up to me.
I need advice with what to do with this information. I'm sure Larry would tell me to MYOB and nuture Judy and Joey as much as possible and be there when Amy needs to talk. I'm wondering if there might be some type of social work intervention. Amy just opened up to me and I want her to keep doing so. This is awful and I do not want to sit here knowing what I know and let these children suffer.

I feel sad for the children but, feel for Jane most, Dee. In situations such as these, we must treat the cause before the symptoms unless, of course, the situation poses imminent threat to the children i.e. sexual or physical abuse, where urgent action for social intervention becomes necessary. From what Amy has confided in you, the children and their mother are suffering as a result of an unhappy marriage. Jane's addiction to pills is perhaps the manifestation of that unhappiness. The rest are "consequentials".

Sometimes, the saving grace in circumstances like Jane's is a friend. You may be that friend, Dee. Your friendship may not change her marital situation, which seems to be a significant part of her problem, but, it might make a big difference to her. The children are fortunate to have found you and perhaps, they're the conduit which leads to help for Jane. The fair would be a good excuse to spend time with her and the children. It could be a starting point of that friendship and at the same time, Judy would not feel bad about her Mom not taking her.

Dee, this may be the reason the children visit you so often. You are their light. You play with them, bake with them, you show them there is another way to live. By doing this, you are opening them a door of hope. By just being there for them is the most valuable gift you can give.

I don’t think you can solve this problem. And as long as the children don’t go hungry or get beaten, I don’t believe the authorities do anything. I know, because we investigated, the American laws, what “A” was concerned. Maybe you could get the children more involved with church functions. Maybe a big sister organisation could help fill the gap that Judy so much needs.

If it isn’t too much for you, Dee, just playing a grandmother role, is irreplaceable. Judy will never forget you, and always be attached to you. That is your life time reward.

This is why I come here...for the advice and wisdom of strong women who can see the forest for the trees when I can't. Thanks so much for your guidance.
Being here for those children is so easy for me...Judy's coming over this afteroon so I can help her with her homework. She's such a tender age and is the most gentle, fair-minded child amongst all the other kids in our neighborhood. When I see those big eyes tear up because of what's happening at home...well, I can tell you it gets to me.
Jane knows I'm here for her, too. She comes over at least twice a week and we sit and talk...All I know to do is listen and offer advice when she asks me.
Last year Judy drew a picture of our house with a front porch. In the family was Larry, me, Judy and Molly. I have that picture still up in my kitchen. I didn't realize the significance of what she was saying until yesterday when I spoke with her sister. Poor thing.
Thanks again dear friends...

I would strongly suggest that you stay out of it unless you want to see these children split up and sent to foster care. Once the DHR infiltrates their lives, nothing will be the same. I agree with Larry. If you feel there must be some kind of intervention, then take the children somewhere, buy them things, play with them, talk to them, but don't cross a boundary you cannot return from.

While I realize that neglect is a terrible, terrible thing...that's once area where you can make a difference.

Unless you live among them daily, you do not have all the facts. Don't assume you do...it could lead to steps that are irreversible. For the children's sake, don't do it!

I have lots of friends who grew up in foster homes and they were physically and mentally abused. LOTS. I urge you to think it over.

I believe those we are placed beside whether locality or job can allow us to express ourselves..learn about facets of ourselves for either good ot bad..this manifests in many ways

Dee you will have been a safe haven for the children.A child will reparent and try to find a Mother figure..as they themself require to find their role in life.
Just doing what you are doing...you will shed tears when more unfolds... but try to remain connected.
The Mother needs friends..but thats lot of years to have been on pills..so expert help will be required.
They are so lucky to be near you..

Dee
Children draw their wishes and fears ...and this helps them create a safe reality.Even if we think Mom is doing a poor job they are clefted to her.Even the most troubled children I knew at work talked well about their parents at time fantasy things..but JJ says so much truth..people in power in homes can be abusive as society has learned.some are drawn to this knowing the children are vulnerable..so their own territory is safer a;though not to your standards..Good people have been Godsends to many children in care but how do we know.

some of what you will be feeling is overwhelmed that you missed this..but Dee..you always think kindly about people..love your kindness here.
Children are beautiful and deserve someone like you in their lives

Dee, I can emphasize with the children having low self-esteem from bad parenting. I've been there. Which is why I'm glad you are available to be their friend.

I wonder if the children wouldn't mind going to church with you so that they can encounter other heartfelt folk and make friends that would help you keep a mindful eye on them? Perhaps they could join a Bible study or youth group that would allow them an outlet to meet others of the same age and better roll models. Also, an escape from their abusive parents.

I'm glad you are there for these lovely children.

JJ, Mountain Ash, MustangGal...you all speak the truth about this topic and your clarity and wisdom will help keep me focused on what I can do for them. Ya'll keep praying for this family and I'll continue to be Mammaw for the little ones and a friend to Amy and Jane.
MustangGal...bad parenting can bring ones self-esteem down...I'm sorry you went through that. I hope you know better now that it wasn't you...you're perfect just the way you are.
Mountain Ash...what warms my heart is when they're playing and hearing their laughter...I know for a while they're not thinking about home life...and it's a good feeling to know that here they have a place to be where they can giggle and be themselves.
JJ...as usual, you're right. Thanks for the reality check and I will take your advice.
Thanks everyone...big hugs!!!

Fill Amy with love, you can be her well from which she draws, and I have a feeling she will continue to look out for the younger ones. Somehow there tends to be function within dysfunction.