Poppie, I don't know if this helps, but I'm going to write it anyway. Suicidal thinking is very insidious and unrelenting, much like the mythical siren song that used to lure sailors to jump into the ocean. It becomes so insistent and obsessive that we become unable to hear anything else. It makes promises that sound wonderful - peace, an end to the pain, etc, etc. ALL LIES!!! As much as you want to be with your Mum, IT IS NOT TIME YET and it's a lie that suicidal thinking tells you is the only answer. You HAVE to fling truth into those lies, no matter how tired you are. You have to use every ounce of your energy to put this thought in your head...your Mum will be there, you will have all eternity to be with her. But right now, HERE AND LIFE is where she wants you to be, and where you are meant to be. It doesn't look or feel so good now, but fling the truth into the lies that tell you that it will never get better. It will. You will. You need to allow others, meds and your own mind to help you get around the next bend in the road. It's hard work, choosing life, it becomes a 24/7 job, and you feel too tired to work at it. I knnow, I've been there. But I'm telling you, those voices in your head telling you that you belong with your Mum are LYING to you. It's not time to go there yet. Mum and heaven are for later, life is for now. Keep flinging that truth into that noisy place in your head. Even if you don't feel like doing it.
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.