Vicki, I know too many people that suffer with this disease. I can only begin to imagine how difficult it is to live with. Bless you, and thank you for sharing.

EH, Dee, Anno, and all, you're so right. I am so much more. To reach it, that is the struggle. I've communicated so long using the written word that I feel as if a part of me has been sliced away.

EH, your words were beautiful. Thank you.

You've all been a tremendous support and I appreciate it.

Just be compassionate with yourself, and keep breathing your way along this dark patch...you will make it through, one trudge-step at a time, though sometimes it will feel like three steps forward, one step back...you already know it's slow going at times, but it's because your mind, body, emotions, heart and soul are on a healing journey that you will eventually look back on as good, even sacred ground. All part of the tapestry our souls are weaving for a purpose we're not aware of yet. Just be compassionate with your self and whatever pace your soul is taking to heal.

Thank you, EH. I have to keep reminding myself to be patient with myself. Maybe God silenced this part of my life so that I can concentrate on other areas that I may have been neglecting, hmm?

It's definitely opened my eyes to how much I miss my children and how much I want to have them around me, especially during this holiday season.

and how important friends are in my life. Friends like all of you.

Vicky,
I want you to know you're in my prayers and that I've known many women who have gone through breakdowns. I'm glad you have good doctors that you trust. I keep thinking how sensitive women are
and how that must contribute to our nerves tensing up. Our bodies go through so many changes, as our lives change direction
multiple times. I've been through what you're going through and
I know of at least a half dozen other females, from this area,
who've been there, as well. Hang in. Hang on. And as jj has said,
This Too Shall Pass! That and scripture and positive thinking
got me through those rocky patches. Prayers and blessings!

And there's also a chemical imbalance aspect to keep in mind, something we don't have control over. For various reasons, including genetics and environmental sensitivities, some people experience greater severity of that imbalance of the chemicals needed to provide us with a sense of well-being.

"Depression happens when these chemical messages aren’t delivered correctly between brain cells, disrupting communication." Such imbalances require physiological intervention, "including medications that can strengthen weak signals by raising the levels of certain neurotransmitters, or by improving the neurons’ ability to process signals. This ensures that the brain’s vital messages are delivered—loud and clear." (http://www.depression.com/depression_animation.html?content=understanding& )

The mental aspects (ie, mangled thinking) of depression (IMO) often arise out of our PHYSICAL inability to function and then an EMOTIONAL response of a sense of failure/inadequacy/shame for being unable to do even the simplest things that most people have no problem accomplishing.

Depression is one of the most misunderstood - and stigmatized - illnesses, causing even more angst and emotional frustration in the sufferer. If we could see depression in the same light as, say, diabetes (the body's inability to correctly produce insulin), or even cancer (the body's inability to correctly read cell-signals, thereby causing it to attack itself) then people who suffer from depression wouldn't have that extra emotional baggage to sort through.

All that is to say, that when the wiring of your house gets tangled and doesn't work properly, you get it fixed so that the signals get through to the appliances and products that need those wires in order to function properly...so too it is with the wiring of one's brain...when the chemicals get all out-of-whack, you get it fixed so that the signals get through to the brain properly.

It's only because of the stigmatization of mental illness that we question that intervention and/or ourselves for needing it. But it should be regarded as just as "normal" as a car requiring fuel, or a house requiring rewiring every so often in order to continue working properly, or a diabetic requiring insulin in order for the body to function properly. Unfortunately, society is a long way from seeing it in that light.

Vicki, you know that I am holding you in my heart and thoughts at this tough time. Wasn't too long ago I was posting about similar things. You were one of the amazing woman who allowed me to share even in a strong state of vulnerabilities...and I was cocooned and carried in the forum until I started to cope again.

You will also have the faith to know that you are being carried with love right here.

Big Loves


Poppie

Is was so good to hear from you again poppie. I know school keeps you busy but we miss you...

I am missing my dear Poppie too! Sunday? Chat? Please??

Jabber, EH, Anne, Poppie - Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate them so much. You touch me so.

EH is right, Bipolar is a chemical imbalance and I have to keep remembering that when I get sick. Something sets off those delicate balances, whatever it may be, and I get sick again. I either go manic (like I did this time) or get depressed.

I'm extremely sensitive to excitement. It can push me into a manic episode in a snap.

Manic, to me, means a very "high" feeling. Talking fast. Racing thoughts (inspirational ideas during the day/horrible what if's about what could happen to my family at night). It could mean a shopping spree. It could mean a spree of any kind (cooking, cleaning, writing, anything creative) It also means not being able to sit still very long, not sleeping enough. It could be kind of fun for a short period of time. I can get get some things done.

and when it gets to the extreme, not sitting still at all, uncontrollable thoughts, racing thoughts (all to the extreme), jumbled thoughts, no sleep at all, no creative spree at all, frustration, headaches - migraines. That's when it gets "Scary" That's when it pushes me toward hospitalization. Where it requires professionals to level my meds under hospitalized care.

That's how it works for me.