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#195223 - 12/05/09 07:27 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Josie]
Wisdom&Life Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 724
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Anno, thanks for the encouragement. Last night when I made this post I was so down and felt like drowning. I really needed direction.


Eagle, this is a great suggestion, and it is the truth. Kind of like giving a simple reason why I can’t attend something…”something came up”, I’ve done that!
You hit the nail right on the head, my family does guilt very well. No matter how much I have done or do…never good enough. I just wish I came to this entire conclusion many years ago. Another thing I have had to deal with my whole life…emotional blackmail. Only now to find out, they were merely threats and nothing more. Maybe this is the root of why I have been this enabler.

Josie, I have set a short cut to the link you gave me on my desktop. I had googled this subject today, your link had other sites that my link didn’t have to look at. It is so ironic, I do not expect perfection, and I am happy living a simple life. If my family would stop badgering me for every little thing…but they never will. This is why I needed some direction and guidance. I am going to have to go back to counseling, I just haven’t had the time and it’s been 4 months since I’ve gone.

I hope you ladies do not mind, I am going to print your suggestions and keep it with me at all times so I can have a reference point.

Even though counseling is needed, these are points I can ask my Therapist to help me with.

Thanks so much!

Cathi
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#195238 - 12/06/09 11:01 AM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Wisdom&Life]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3649
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Though I've never met you Wisdom, you sound like a person is accustomed to helping others.

Hope you find the balance and communicate firmly to others that you need time for yourself everyday.

It might be quite different you geographically live a day's driving distance away. Not suggesting that you should but things can change alot when this happens. So a vacation or mini-vacations throughout the year would help.
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#195242 - 12/06/09 12:33 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: orchid]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
Another thought, how about a life coach as well as counseling? I am a trained life coach and I know how valuable they can be in setting goals. I am not practicing right now, but NABBW has a few members that are practicing, and I know of a few myself. Just a thought.
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#195267 - 12/06/09 09:06 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Anno]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3402
Loc: USA
Cathy, I get a feeling from your words that you aren't quite ready to say, "ENouGH cool!" Something within you is making you keep this as a 'need' and as a friend. You will have to say to yourself, (to borrow and revamp Josie's words): that YOU can matter to YOU and that is not a selfish way to be. YOU can be kind to YOURself, and have a life making YOU smile. To that I add, you are worthy! It's a matter of claiming it. It's a matter of believing it. It's a matter of caring enough about yourself to take it.
This does not mean you need to go as far as being unkind to those who are depending on you being an intermediary or their primary support. Quite the contrary. With the new found you, they will learn to respect you more, but for many more reasons. I know this from experience. I've recently (as in this very year) found my backbone and my voice (PTL!). And, I'm not turning back, ever! I wish the same for you... you simply must find it in yourself to find and be YOU.... you aren't truly at your maximum potential and of maximum help to any of those who lean on you until you do...this being because of the potential resentment you hold when you're 'in the middle.' Good luck.
I want to say more, explain more, but my screen is jumping - such agravation --- and the reason I don't participate @ BWS!

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#195272 - 12/06/09 10:13 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: gims]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Buy a new computer so you can participate Gims, as you and your wisdom are missed. I finally got tired of fooling around with my old piece of junk and got a new laptop that works sooooo well!!!
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#195275 - 12/06/09 10:37 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: chatty lady]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3402
Loc: USA
...but, this is a new one! I can read, but when I try to type, the typed text is jittery, then when I draft a long post, the screen won't stay still, jumps all over the place...
I'll keep trying - needing company during this season. First bday without a hug from my mom.
...and thanks, chatty, you're a sweetie.

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#195276 - 12/06/09 10:55 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: gims]
Wisdom&Life Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 724
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Orchid, I just came back from visiting my mom's in Northern VA. It is a 3 hour drive away. She needs knee replacement surgery, and she will need help. I can't get away and do this, I don't have the resources.

On January 7, my husband will have major surgery in his right foot. He has osteo-arthritis, he will not be able to drive for a long time and he is told he will be in a cast for 3 months. I am not complaining, he is very easy going and he was good to me while I recovered from my surgery recently.

My husband already talked to my mom about coming here and seeing his doctor, and having the surgery here. I am going to find out if they take her insurance. This way, it will be easier for me* to help her. She will think about it, unfortunately, if she chooses to stay where she it, I will not be able to help her, at least not as well as I could if she were with me.

*with the statement "it will be easier for me", I feel selfish saying that. It's just a habit I have to break.

Oh Anno, part of my problem is that I am barely keeping my head above water with all the debt I have gotten myself into dealing with one crisis after another. If I could afford it, I would love to have a life coach. In many ways, I believe a life coach would be more useful than a counselor. Having said this, I will check them out and perhaps I can see about hiring one in the future. Thanks for the suggestion.

Gims, I was doing pretty good for awhile, but I have had a relapse. I do not understand what you are saying when you made these comments. It can mean a couple of things and I don’t want to misunderstand anything. I appreciate your input.

Quote:
Cathy, I get a feeling from your words that you aren't quite ready to say, "ENouGH !"
Something within you is making you keep this as a 'need' and as a friend.


Aha, the jittery screen, I had my moments with that too. However I made a discovery, at the top right corner of the reply screen toolbar, you should see 2 arrows. One up and one down. Click on the bottom arrow to expand the screen. This stopped the moving up and down for me. Hope this helps!

Cheers,
Cathi
_________________________
Proud member of National Association Of Baby Boomer Women!
www.nabbw.com

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#195301 - 12/07/09 08:55 AM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Wisdom&Life]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Cathi, I'm reading all of this and the wonderful advice given. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but alas I can only reiterate what others have said.

I do believe you have the kind of soul that wants to nourish and reach out to others, and I can see why everyone turns to you and your bigheartedness to help. They know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are loved by you, and that you won't say no.

This can also lead to OVERWHELMNESS (is that a word?) and that sounds like where you are. The only thing I could offer would be to step by, take a look, know what you can and can't do, and tell them. But tell them why. Reassure each of them that you love them and will do what you can but you are only one person.

Then stand by it. Know it. And do it. You have such great strength of character and quite frankly, if I were hurting, I would also turn to you.

How lucky for them all to have you in their life!

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#195320 - 12/07/09 10:37 AM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: jawjaw]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Allison Bottke wrote the book, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children.

http://www.settingboundaries.com/

This may help with your daughter, and I think you can use soem of the actics in any relationship. I hope this helps.
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Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#195391 - 12/07/09 10:23 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Dotsie]
Wisdom&Life Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 724
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Dotsie, I appreciate the link. You would not believe how difficult it is to find a book on this subject. I read one a long time ago; I think it was titled “Boundaries”. I remember it left me a little confused; it just wasn’t straight to the point enough for me. I will look into this one after Christmas. I did find a book with a journal by Lisa Hammond titled, “Permission to Dream Journal”. Which is part of what I am struggling with. It’s in a workbook format, and I find this setting to be useful when trying to make changes.

Your Majesty, I am so happy you posted, truly it is appreciated. I think OVERWHELMNESS should be a word if it isn’t already.

I definitely have been taken advantage of and I know Sofia knows I love her unconditionally. But it still does not give her the right to abuse me either.

I am feeling much better since I posted this and well, I didn’t want to at first because I hate being a downer and I didn’t want anyone to think I was just wining.

You said:

Quote:
Then stand by it. Know it. And do it. You have such great strength of character and quite frankly, if I were hurting, I would also turn to you.

I am actually flattered you said this. But this gives me an opportunity to further explain my dilemma. I know if you were to turn to me, you would not do the following:

Demand I do something.
Manipulate me and put me on a guilt trip
Chew me out and cuss me out if I was unable to help due to circumstances beyond my control.
Or…
Chew me out and cuss me out if I did everything I possibly could, and in spite of that, I wasn’t able to help you.

The only person who doesn’t ask much from me nor abuse me is Richard. Mind you, he did for many years, until I left him 6 years ago. He was just stunned that I actually took action on that part. After 8 months, he was in tears apologizing to me and telling me how he realized he took me for granted for so long. I hated the fact it came to that and I had every intention of divorce. But I wanted to give him another chance, especially since he was telling me what I longed to hear. By his admission, I didn’t feel like I was losing my mind.

I took a step today, and I shut off my cell phone while I was at work. I am not allowed to talk on my cell at my desk, so I would have it on vibrate and then go to the break room or outside to talk. For the most part it’s someone’s drama and I end up getting riled up, totally distracting me from what I am suppose to do. It was nice today, and the only person who has my work number is Richard and it is to be used only for a dire emergency.

Thanks everyone for your input. Now I have to work on when I will make this New Mexico trip. I am thinking somewhere between March thru May. I have to check with my friend and see when it is a good time for her as well. But the minute I have a solid date, I am on southwest.com booking the flight!!!

Again, I am so glad I posted this. It’s so wonderful to have the guidance.

I love you all a lot!

Cheers,
Cathi
_________________________
Proud member of National Association Of Baby Boomer Women!
www.nabbw.com

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