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#195587 - 12/09/09 09:49 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: gims]
Wisdom&Life Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 724
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Gims, thanks for the explanation. It's been a problem, I just don't want to see others suffering or hurting. As well as the other points I mentioned earlier, it is so draining when you try to help and the person you are trying to help gives you multiple excuses as to why your advise will not work.

I did say something to my mother yesterday, and it was not easy to do, but I had to say it. My mother lives in Northern VA, and she is a widow now. She has knee problems and I think she is going to need knee replacement surgery. I suggested to her to come where I live and have the surgery done. Richard has an orthopeadic surgeon and is willing to make arrangements for her to see him. I did this because I work full time and I am barely keeping my head above water financially at this point due to the unpaid leaves I've had to take in the past year with wanting to spend time with my dad before he passed away and stay around longer to help my mom. Then my own surgery a couple months ago, I had to go 10 days unpaid before the short-term kicked in. I just cannot go running anymore to the rescue. Anyway, she was making excuses about not being able to see the doctor's here because of her insurance (which I know is not true because I researched it already at my job) and I told her I did this. I forgot what the other excuse was. But I told her this,

"You understand mom I will not be able to come up there and help you with your recovery if you chose to have your surgery there. I just cannot afford to do this anymore." Then I said, "It's not that I do not want to take care of you during your recovery, I do, it's just easier for me to take care of you here."

She didn't fuss when I said this to her. It was hard for me, but I had no choice. Plus, Richard is due to have foot surgery in January.

As for answering the door...I do not do this anymore. In the house we lived in before, we had a window on each side of the door. Our family room was in plain site, and I would always answer the door because, well, the solicitor saw me. That became too much and I just said one day,

"to heck with it, I don't care if they see me or not. It's a free country and this is my house, I don't have to answer my door if I don't want to."

Wow, the world didn't end, LOL.

I am so glad you were able to break free from that toxic person.

Anyway, I understand now what you meant and you hit the nail on the head. Thanks again for explaining!

Cheers,
Cathi
_________________________
Proud member of National Association Of Baby Boomer Women!
www.nabbw.com

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#195589 - 12/09/09 10:27 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Ellemm]
Wisdom&Life Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 724
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Ellemm, what a great perspective...who's problem is it anyway?

Yes, your post has had a positive effect on me. Reminding me this is not going to be an overnight change, but the change is possible if I apply it, and get in the habit.

Quote:
To tell you the truth, once your relatives learn that you are not really interested in who forgot to bring the salad to the potluck or return a phone call, they just might stop bugging you so much.


I like this analogy and this is exactly what it's been like. Interesting enough, I don't get worked up over things like this. If I feel like calling someone to talk to them, and I called many times before without ever getting a call from them, I still make the call. Who cares who's turn it is? Now if I get the impression someone just doesn't want to talk to me, then I will not call and if they do not call, fine. This is what's so bizarre about all this drama to begin with. There are so many people out there much worse off. We should consider ourselves Blessed!

I am tired of justifying myself and I will have to practice saying. I have to go (period) and Somethings come up (period).

The manipulation is something I really need to work on. I'll have to let it go and keep in mind, this is their problem, not mine. It's truly sad when you really think about it.

Ellem, I am touched by your offer to PM you.

Thank you very much!

Cheers,
Cathi
_________________________
Proud member of National Association Of Baby Boomer Women!
www.nabbw.com

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#195692 - 12/11/09 11:02 AM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Wisdom&Life]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Ellemm, thanks for your lengthy ost. There's so much wisdom there. I tend to pick up other's problems too so I'm listening in.

cathi, thanks for beginning this post in what seemed like desperation. Seems like it's halping many of us.

Baby Steps!
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#195788 - 12/12/09 10:38 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Dotsie]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2559
Loc: Alabama
There is an old reliable book out there called "I Feel Guilty When I Say No." Don't know who wrote it but I bet you can find it at your library.

Life. You only have one. Cherish what God allows you..rise above what you can, ignore those who hurt you and focus on who's important. You and your husband.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#195802 - 12/13/09 09:19 AM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Dee]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
Keep moving forward Cathi. What will you do for yourself today??
_________________________
Follow our story of living, loving and laughing with a debilitating disease:

http://www.multiplesystematrophyandshy-drager.blogspot.com

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#195812 - 12/13/09 09:40 AM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Anno]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Dee, that rings a bell. I think I read it back in the early 90s. One of my Catholic girlfriends told me about it.

The way we're helping Cathi here reminds me of the 30 Days to a New You teleseminar we have coming up this Tuesday.

It will be followed by a 30 email course in January.

If you haven't signed up yet, you can do so on our home page.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#195838 - 12/13/09 06:17 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Ellemm]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Great advice coming in from all directions Ellemm. I hope I wasn't insulting to you, certainly did not mean to be but as I read your words that saying just kept popping into my head, and so the quote. It is true and does work and I know you already knew that.

No one in my immediate family or outside has ever cursed at me, once maybe but never a second time. I stopped them dead in their tracks.

You might try this, the next time someone calls you with a nonsensical complaint, just flat out say,"I don't care!" They may blouster a bit but will eventually get the message especially if thats all you'll say to them...
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#195840 - 12/13/09 08:52 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: chatty lady]
Edelweiss3 Offline


Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 1758
Loc: American living in Germany
I have just now read this thread. And I too want to tell you that you are so not alone.

I believe most women are kind hearted by nature, but the plight of many of these women is to be used and to be taken advantage of. I can join you in this tune. What Eagle said about setting boundaries truly rung a bell with me as well. Eagle, your post opened my eyes in an encouraging motivating way.

Josie what a great link you posted. I bookmarked it.

So much good advice here. My situation is a little different. I hope I’m not hijacking this thread, with my additional question. Let me give you an example.

Yesterday my husband, my son and my granddaughter went to the Christmas market. My son dressed my granddaughter too lightly. I said, it’s the cold night air, and I think she should wear her snowsuit. My son’s reaction, “Mom, I know what I’m doing, I’m the father, and you keep out of it.” We all went to the market, and poor “A” was trembling from the cold. I took off my scarf and wrapped it around her neck. My son was furious at me, and in the middle of the market scolded me for doing too much. I couldn’t believe his reaction. Yes, he’s going through a separation, but he can’t seem to turn off his anger at any woman. I held my granddaughter’s ice cold hand, and told my son if he had any father sense, he would take his daughter, and put her in the warm car, and head for home before she turns blue. His reaction? He tore “A”s hand from mine, gave me a look that would kill, and left in a cloud of anger.

Now this isn’t the end of it. I was so upsete by my son’s behaviour. I wanted to discuss it with my husband, when suddenly my husband turned on me and said, “ Stop whining! It’s your fault! You know how he is. Just don’t say anything to him. I’m sick of your bitching!”

It was like one blow on top of the other. I can’t believe how hostile both of these men were to me. And when I tried to explain to my husband what I needed to hear from him…all I heard was “ but but but…..” He doesn’t get it. And he never will. So here I sit, haven’t talked to him all day. In a couple of days my brother is coming, and once again, I have to pull my act together, for my brother’s sake, and pretend everything is fine at the home front. Hah.

I wish I could go with you to New Mexico, Cathie.
_________________________
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Goethe

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#195841 - 12/13/09 10:07 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Edelweiss3]
Wisdom&Life Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 724
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Well Anno, Richard and I went to my companies Christmas Party Friday night and we had so much fun. I think I had this kind of fun 3 years ago sometime... Anyway, if I get the pictures, I will post in the pictures thread. I ended up sleeping most of the day Saturday though, and now I am trying to catch up with our laundry, LOL.

Dee, thanks for the recommended reading.

Chatty, thank you for elaborating and now I will add "I don't care" to my practice reactions. I know this sounds absurd, but practicing will make it second nature to me.

Dotsie, I can't make it to the Teleseminar. I have to work late Tuesday night. Will there be another one for any of us who cannot make it? BTW, I was hoping this thread will help others too.

Speaking of others...EW, you did not high-jack the thread. This is for everybody. I am a little sickened by those guys. Did either of them think to let their egos go for a minute and consider the child? As for your brother's sake, I don't know the kind of relationship you have with him, but this is going to be never ending for you. I say this because I feel this is why I have ended up with all this anxiety that lead me to this cry for help.

That would be great if you could join me in New Mexico...anyone else?

EW, please keep us posted, I am worried about you.

Cheers and Hugs,
Cathi
_________________________
Proud member of National Association Of Baby Boomer Women!
www.nabbw.com

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#195842 - 12/14/09 03:59 AM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Wisdom&Life]
Edelweiss3 Offline


Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 1758
Loc: American living in Germany
Oh Cathie, I’m so glad you had such a good time at your Christmas party.
Those happy moments will hopefully happen more frequently in your life.

Dear Cathi, the last thing I wanted to do is have you worry about me. You have enough worries with your family. I keep thinking about Eagle’s post, about taking control and changing. I have a feeling 2010 will be a changing year for me, and I think for you too.
I am surrounded by self-centered egomaniacs. And I know I won’t ever be able to change them. And I know I don’t want to continue to live this way. By God, I’ve tried, and I can’t.
I’ve been there, where you have been, thinking death is an only way out. And what Eagle wrote made so much sense to me. It’s rather ridiculous to think of death as an alternative, instead of changing ones own life. I’m so thankful you started this thread. You got a partner in crime here.

Sending you ((((Cathie))))).
_________________________
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Goethe

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