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#195393 - 12/07/09 10:56 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Wisdom&Life]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Oh girl...I had no idea. I can tell you this much. They might get the opportunity to cuss me ONCE....but then the door would close.

No way...no how. You are the one they turn to for help and if you can't "fix" their lives, then you get this? Nu uh.

You've already seen what saying NO MORE got you (with Richard) and by the way, bravo to Mr. R! I'm so happy to know that he saw and felt your worth. Now let the rest of the clan know that you won't take it anymore. If you can help, you will. If you cannot because of circumstances beyond your control, then they will have to take other measures.

You are not a magician, and you can't fix the world. Do what you can, let the rest go.

This situation reminds me of when my Ex and I separated a bazillion years ago. He would come to the house and begin cussing me...saying I wasn't a good mother when I knew I was. Finally, I had enough. I shut the door in his face. He knocked...I opened it. He began again calling me names. I shut the door and stood there. The first time he had banged on the door. The second time the knock was a little less intimidating. The third and fourth times, the knock grew weaker and weaker. I stopped opening the door. He called. He shouted into the phone, I hung up. This went on for a while until he called and when I heard his voice he knew I was going to hang up....he said, "Please don't hang up. I'm sorry. Can we just talk a sec?"

We did and I never had another problem with him.

Stand your ground.

We're here if you need us!

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#195400 - 12/08/09 10:56 AM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: jawjaw]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3660
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Quote:
Thanks everyone for your input. Now I have to work on when I will make this New Mexico trip. I am thinking somewhere between March thru May. I have to check with my friend and see when it is a good time for her as well. But the minute I have a solid date, I am on southwest.com booking the flight!!!


You will love New Mexico.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com
http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com/

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#195415 - 12/08/09 01:21 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: orchid]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Think about the changes that occurred when you set the boundaries on your hubby. I think setting more boundaries with other loved ones is the ticket.

Bravo for turning your phone off at work. That's a great start. I hope you continue. That at least sets a boundarie for not getting worked up over family issues while at work. I love it!

Maybe we could help you think of some other boundaries and you can implement them one at a time.

One might be for when people curse at you. Simply state that you're not going to be verbally abused any more. When they begin cussing say, "If you are going to cuss at me, I'm going to hang up." Stick to it. They will eventually get the message.

I hope you don't mind me offering these sugestions. I'm only trying to help.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#195471 - 12/08/09 07:04 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: ]
Wisdom&Life Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 724
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
OMG, I am reading your posts and all I can think of is..."Thank God I came here." I can't tell you how happy and relieved I am for posting this.

Dotsie, keep the advise coming!!! Thanks for the idea of implementing one boundary at a time.

Anyway, I wanted to respond real quick, I am actually working overtime until 10 tonight (Trust me, I don't mind this at all...I am treated with lots of respect here). Okay, so the overtime doesn't hurt either, LOL. I am sneaking this in because I am on the work computer!!!

I'll post some more tomorrow night when my eyes will not be cross eyed!

Thanks you, thank you, thank you!!!

Love and Hugs,
Cathi
_________________________
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#195472 - 12/08/09 07:07 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: ]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Overwhelming is a word, overwhelmness is not, however why not make it a boomer word? Works for me...

Wisdom&Life, to put your question into the proper perspective remember this one saying and it will work for you, I guarantee it!!!

WE ARE TREATED EXACTLY THE WAY "WE ALLOW" PEOPLE TO TREAT US.

The key words in that phrase are WE and ALLOW...
_________________________
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http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#195482 - 12/08/09 08:33 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: chatty lady]
Wisdom&Life Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 724
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
I wasn't going to post tonight Chatty, and I have to make this quick because I am at work and I do not want get caught.

I thought I acknowledged the fact that I allowed this to happen and I am the only one who can change it. Maybe I did not state this in a direct way perhaps, but I did not intend to play the "poor me baby" role when I posted this. This is why I am asking for help, advise, suggestions, on setting boundaries. I do not want to go to the other extreme either. This could happen if I do not know what I am doing. I don't have the kind of experience some of you have here.

However, this still does not give others the excuse to treat someone badly, especially after one has gone out of thier way for them and took some risks.

Having said this, I know I must make the changes with myself, which is what I am trying to do. When I started this conversation, I was very distraught and I had buckets of tears pouring down my face while typing. This is the only place I knew to turn too.

If I misunderstood what you were trying to say, I am sorry.

Cheers and Hugs,
Cathi
_________________________
Proud member of National Association Of Baby Boomer Women!
www.nabbw.com

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#195531 - 12/09/09 10:58 AM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Wisdom&Life]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3402
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Wisdom&Life
Quote:
Cathy, I get a feeling from your words that you aren't quite ready to say, "ENouGH !"
Something within you is making you keep this as a 'need' and as a friend.


Aha, the jittery screen, I had my moments with that too. However I made a discovery, at the top right corner of the reply screen toolbar, you should see 2 arrows. One up and one down. Click on the bottom arrow to expand the screen. This stopped the moving up and down for me. Hope this helps!Cheers,
Cathi



Thanks for the jittery screen tip... I tried it and it works. Now if I could just get the pages to load faster, I'd be back with a full swing...

About the quote you brought forward... I think it has been summed up in subsequent posts, but I'll illustrate, without detail, to explain how I woke up (a personal thing):

This one particular person called me all the time, almost daily and almost always in a tither. My natural self wanted to help her through what ever the disaster du jour was. Well, one day and in one call, the person crossed a line with me, actually verbally contesting what I was saying, even though it was simply my way of trying to help (kind of like you being cussed out, as you described in one of your posts). That exchange with this person caused a disconnect, which has yet to be mended. BUT -- here's the thing -- my days became more peaceful. Thing is I didn't realize it until the person called, out of the blue, one day weeks later. After that call, I felt my stomach start to act up, my nerves start to zap... along with a whole bunch of other bodily and emotional responses. I had never taken into consideration the toll this person and others with their needs/messes were taken on me and my health.
Note: When I have problems, I usually keep them to myself, not asking anyone for help... didn't even share problems with my mom... every so often I share something with BWS and one other cybergroup - but, as a general rule, I keep my problems all inside. In general, I'm usually the listener, the one trying to fix it for everyone else --- until that call and a couple of others after that one.
That call with other similars (I must have been primed) brought me to some realizations:

  • People who are fed 'help' keep coming back for more.
  • No matter what I was able to say or do was of little help in their development, their means of working to 'fix' their own problems --- problems they 'usually' invented or caused, themselves.
  • I was using up my reserves for everyday 'cr**' when I needed to keep my reserves healthy for BIG problems, often times my own.

[*]I was forever in a mindset of needing to help/fix , the point I was making with my post you quoted. I thought I had to help. I didn't want them to continue hurting. I wanted to 'fix' it for them. I really thought it was necessary that I carry their burden... and so on. There was something in me that made me think I was obligated (maybe too strong a word, but it felt such) and the best person to 'help' them, after all they were calling me.

I say KUDOS to you for turning your phone off.



Edited by gims (12/11/09 03:00 PM)

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#195532 - 12/09/09 11:05 AM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Wisdom&Life]
Ellemm Offline


Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 601
Cathi, you have touched my heart and I have no choice but to respond (not that others are not worthy!)

First of all, once you have established a pattern of being the shoulder to cry on/fixer/dependable one, it can be very difficult to break the pattern, even if it would be better for all involved. The great thing is that you realize it and are already taking steps to turn down the drama and intrusiveness.

Good for you for turning off your phone at work! Your relatives should not be bothering you with their squabbles anyway, which leads me to:

Who's got the problem? If your aunts are fighting with each other, that's their problem, not your problem. I'm not saying that to be selfish and uncaring. ESPECIALLY if it's something ridiculous, let them work it out on their own and refuse to be drawn into it. The world will not tip off its axis.

I can assure you you'll feel strange the first time you listen to a tale of woe, murmur that you hope they straighten things out, and quit. But it's completely fair, so do it. Do not keep talking but be polite, if that makes sense. They'll hve to find someone else to get worked up with.

Remember that you cannot change others. If your relatives are determined to fight with each other, let them do it -- but you do not have to get involved or take sides. They will not like this, but that is their problem, not your problem. Again, who's got the problem?

To tell you the truth, once your relatives learn that you are not really interested in who forgot to bring the salad to the potluck or return a phone call, they just might stop bugging you so much.

By the way, you do not have to justify or defend your actions, so don't let yourself get worn out trying to get others' permission to do what you want. (That's actually what we are doing when we get into long discussions about whether or not we should do something.) If you don't want to visit your relative in Utah, don't do it and don't talk about it. "We'll see," or "maybe next time" is plenty. If you keep explaining or justifying, others will always think of some little hole to dig their way in. Some silence is very powerful.

Decide what true emergencies are and remember that everything else is open for evaluation. To me, true emergencies are things like medical emergencies or the house on fire or a car wreck or huge amounts of water spraying everywhere. Everything else, even if it seems like a big deal at the moment, is likely not an emergency. Save your big energies for the emergencies, your medium energies for things that are urgent, and only give your tiny energies to the little stuff.

Do not, under any circumstances, allow people to browbeat you or curse at you. If this starts to happen, either invent an interruption -- someone's at the door -- or, if the cursing starts, say 'we'll take this up another time' and end the call immediately. You are obviously a nice, sensitive person and will be very shaky the first time you do this, but hold your ground. You might be surprised at the other person calling to apologize fairly soon. And if they don't apologize, they can darn sure wait until they calm down enough to speak decently. (And yes, I have had this happen to me.) This is not your problem that they are cursing at you; it's their problem.

I hope anything I said has some positive effect and is taken as support. You are welcome to pm me anytime.

Ellemm

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#195535 - 12/09/09 11:29 AM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: Ellemm]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3402
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Ellemm
(1)"We'll see," or "maybe next time" is plenty. If you keep explaining or justifying, others will always think of some little hole to dig their way in. Some silence is very powerful.

(2)Do not, under any circumstances, allow people to browbeat you or curse at you. If this starts to happen, either invent an interruption -- someone's at the door --


Hope you don't mind me adding to yours, Ellemm...
On (1), this is a very important thing people need to do, esp. my hubby... there is no real need to explain... simple responses, such as you've given, are sufficient... we each have a justified right to say 'no' without making excuses, giving reasons, explaining. I can't seem to get this through my DH's head... or other people's, who think they have to give me reasons. I can hear 'justifying' explanations, and I've come to tell others that they don't have to tell me 'why.' A great deal of the time their excuses sound made up, anyway... I'd rather not hear them. I'd rather not doubt what they say.

On (2), I'd say don't invent an interruption... instead, just be truthful, as in the alternative you give. A simple, "I need to go, now... talk with you later" or something similar... again, no excuses, no explanation, no make believe... just truth.

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#195537 - 12/09/09 12:14 PM Re: I can't take it anymore! [Re: gims]
Ellemm Offline


Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 601
Originally Posted By: gims
On (2), I'd say don't invent an interruption... instead, just be truthful, as in the alternative you give. A simple, "I need to go, now... talk with you later" or something similar... again, no excuses, no explanation, no make believe... just truth.


Oh, I absolutely agree. But if you're taking baby steps (no offense) and are feeling a little too shaky to use the absolute truth, I'd say invent something harmless until you build up your defense muscles, so to speak. In the long run truth is always the easiest and least stressful. "I need to go now" is great. Thanks for pointing that out.

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