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#202037 - 04/08/10 04:36 AM Re: BWS'ers unite... [Re: Mountain Ash]
Edelweiss3 Offline


Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 1758
Loc: American living in Germany
Eagle I heard this said on TV the other day: “Family members teach us to tolerate things about them, what we never would tolerate, if they were not family.”

So true, isn't it?
_________________________
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Goethe

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#202046 - 04/08/10 09:26 AM Re: BWS'ers unite... [Re: Mountain Ash]
Ellemm Offline


Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 601
I feel sorry for your losses, Eagle. I can so relate to difficult relatives. Unfortunately, most of mine are so difficult that I'd rather not get involved with them at all. I have learned over the years to answer calmly but to keep my distance. The difference with you, of course, is that you had the closeness and it has been taken away, so that really hurts and I'll be thinking of you.

For people who like to talk about how wonderful family is: I have precisely one decent, non-mentally ill relative, and yes, I cherish him. Ok, I lied: my uncle is great to talk to and I do appreciate his kindness and connections. That's it. All the rest of them, on both my husband's family and mine, are bananas. Right now I'm slightly freaking out because my SIL might be planning to come visit us and it's a completely crazy story, as usual. I'm just weary of the bizarre e-mails and strange phone calls. I have had enough character building on this score and would like a break from these people. Fortunately, we almost never see them.

I'm sure that sounds awful but it's just the truth. Eagle, I hope you get to see your grandchildren soon and that your friend recovers. The wedding? Forget about it; not your fault.

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#202051 - 04/08/10 10:20 AM Re: BWS'ers unite... [Re: Ellemm]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4872
Loc: Canada
Thank you MA, Edelweiss and Ellemm. It's so true that we often allow relatives to fling their toxicity at us simply because they're related...or because there are precious children involved - and why, I constantly ask myself, do these people insist on using their children as pawns to get their own way or to justify their toxic behaviour. Our relationship with the grandchildren is constantly at the mercy and whim of someone who enjoys holding that power and control over us. The only reason we tolerate it is to keep the door open to see the children.

Ellemm, your post was so helpful, especially in helping me to step back and get perspective. Why do I allow my mental well-being to be held hostage by all of this? I need to step back, take a deep breath and let it all go for now. There just isn't anything I can do right now, and why bang my head against the brick wall for things I cannot change (back to that Serenity Prayer again!).

I need to just shrug my shoulders against it all, turn away from the toxicity of not only the people but the angst I'm allowing myself to feel about it all, and focus on the light and love that IS around...hubby, nature, here. Sigh. I wish it didn't have to be a case of shrugging all these vital people off, but it might be the best way through at this stage of it all.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#202053 - 04/08/10 10:26 AM Re: BWS'ers unite... [Re: Eagle Heart]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3655
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
(((Hugs, Eagleheart))). I'm sorry about your friend who is suffering now, the wedding and now, grandchildren.

I didn't know you had another brother.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com
http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com/

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#202056 - 04/08/10 10:40 AM Re: BWS'ers unite... [Re: orchid]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4872
Loc: Canada
Thanks Orchid. One thing I miss from Cuba are the hugs...thanks for yours!

I have two other brothers. But when our youngest brother died 3 years ago, there was another life-changing incident that occurred the same week, and our family was shattered forever. The damage was irreparable and none of us, or our family, will ever be the same. While my one brother and I were not directly involved, things are such that my presence at the wedding would cause distress to others there. I'm still in contact with my oldest brother, and our relationship is intact, but we rarely see each other since Gary died.

It wouldn't hurt so much if we hadn't always been such a tight-knit, loving family - and my brothers and I still love each other very much, but, well, circumstances are what they are right now and I can't alter the ripple effect at this point in time.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#202057 - 04/08/10 11:15 AM Re: BWS'ers unite... [Re: Eagle Heart]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3655
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
If your brother knows your door is always open should he change his heart/mind, then that's good enough for now.

How old are the grandchildren?
It feels it abit strange/toxic it is the grandmother not wanting you to see the children. Something seems amiss here, since it is would be the parents who would make the decision for the children, not the grandmother.

It sounds like a strange, but temporary situation (although that could last for a long time). Maybe at least to suggest at a better time in a few months, that you see children on neutral ground, at a restaurant or country fair, etc.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com
http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com/

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#202059 - 04/08/10 11:40 AM Re: BWS'ers unite... [Re: orchid]
AvalonBlondi Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/05
Posts: 1096
Loc: West Chester ,PA
Eagle , you have such a big heart and kind soul..you deserve back all of the love that you so willingly give...I know it's difficult when you want to reach out to a family member but can't because of some silly misunderstanding or misinterpretation of an event...what gets me through those times is this...I think back to a happy occasion or time when I was close to the person that I miss..and I visit with them in my heart...and then I tell them in my mind that I am always here waiting for you when you want to come back to me...I learned this little exercise in grief counseling after my darling mother died and my sister and her family were being nasty to me...it helps...truly it does..and then I go on with my life...my given family may be absent now but I have wonderful friends who love me and let me love them in return...I too am sending you
(((BIG HUGS))) and praying that you can find some peace of mind.
Take good care of yourself my Friend.
_________________________
Nancy

People may not remember exactly what you said or what you did...but they will always remember how you made them feel

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#202068 - 04/08/10 01:36 PM Re: BWS'ers unite... [Re: AvalonBlondi]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Avalon, what neat advice. Thanks for sharing.

Eagle, sending the biggest of hugs your way.

I understand the tight knit family of days gone by a little bit more with each passing year. Without sharing too much, please know I understand the heartbreak and confusion of it all.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#202072 - 04/08/10 02:12 PM Re: BWS'ers unite... [Re: Dotsie]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4872
Loc: Canada
Thanks Dotsie (and Nancy). It really has helped just to air the sadness here...it was all bottled up inside of me and nowhere to vent. Sharing here has helped to ease the pain and helped to give me new perspective - and empowerment to plow through with/without them.

This deep sadness has been partly to blame for me not sharing here as much. It's so overwhelming somedays that I just don't want to spew it into anyone else's world, and so I keep it all to myself (well, with my best friend in the hospital and hubby having heard it all before, where is there to go?)

It's not the totality of who I am, but it overshadows everything else because of its impact on our day-to-day lives. Still searching for the "new normal" that brings more joy than pain, and darn, isn't it elusive. But thanks to all for once again being a soft and safe place to crash.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#202074 - 04/08/10 02:32 PM Re: BWS'ers unite... [Re: Eagle Heart]
Mountain Ash Online   content
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Can you do something wonderful for yourself on the day of the wedding..people can only hurt us if we let them do so..
and anyone who needs to hurt another is best shut out of your life.when we feel low then things and bad memories hurt so by raising your own well being it gives you strength.When you are strong arrows dont penetrate.
Vent all you need to..the space here is not on ration and some of the posters can set new ideas afloat.

I have places I go..which buffer me against the trials of life..then visulise these places in order to relax..

Could you connect with your brother and spend time with him even for a coffee.seperate from any issue that exists..just like you sat at the table so often in past years..not discussing any issue just time...and the coffee..

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