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#204319 - 06/05/10 07:07 PM Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4874
Loc: Canada
I've kept this bottled up long enough. Everytime I think about this, it enrages me so much that I can barely breathe. So I try not to think about it. But it's Saturday night and it's on my mind. So here I am to vent.

We haven't been allowed to see our grandchildren since the middle of March. We saw them the day after we got back from being in Cuba for 8 weeks. I was tired and didn't want to go and shouldn't have gone, but had missed the grandchildren so much that I went anyway. As usual, the mother of the children was her angry, controlling, obsessive-compulsive self, making everyone around her miserable and tip-toeing in fear of setting her off. I made the fatal error of talking back to her when she yelled at me to not drop the fork on the floor while feeding my grandson. All I said (admittedly frustrated) ďI WONíTĒ, then all hell broke loose. She totally went haywire, cursing and screaming things that didnít even make sense to me, but in the midst of all of her ranting I did hear a few gems that essentially said that she hated when we came over. All of this in front of both children. I was sobbing, she was screaming, it was a nightmare of a situation.

Anyway, we havenít been allowed to visit again. Sheís not a forgiving person, so this could last forever. I CAN forgive her, and can even forgive her for perhaps not wanting ME to come and visit again, but to deny my husband the right to visit is incomprehensible. But what really enrages me is how my husbandís son can allow her to treat everyone the way she does. She doesnít allow ANYONE to visit, not my husband, his ex-wife (the real grandmother) or the childrenís aunt, not even her own family. Her parents flew all the way over from China to stay in Canada for 6 months and they were only allowed to stay at their house one night, then they left and she wonít allow them to visit anymore either.

Weíre talking about a very mentally disturbed woman here. But thatís another story, and not mine to tell. What IS my concern is that my husband may never get to see his beloved grandchildren again Ė unless we go to court. Which we donít want to do yet.

There isnít much we can do. Hubby tries to call his son at work but his son never phones back. All communication has been cut off and itís so unfair to my husband, since Iím the one who committed the dreaded faux pas. Anyway, I just had to vent, because itís really peeving me off because Saturday nights have always been the night when weíd call and make the plans to visit on Sunday with the children. I miss them terribly.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#204320 - 06/05/10 07:56 PM Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren [Re: Eagle Heart]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2433
Loc: Arizona
Eagle, I am so sorry to hear this. You did nothing wrong, it wasn't your fault. This woman sounds like she is miserable and therefore wants to lash out at the world. I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix it for you, but I can't. I can only hold you in my heart with love. ((((HUG))))
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#204321 - 06/05/10 08:00 PM Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren [Re: yonuh]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4874
Loc: Canada
Thank you Yonuh, I can feel your love and hugs from here and they help! I've been biting my tongue around this woman for almost 10 years now, for the sake of keeping the door open to our grandchildren. I detest the way she treats people, how she talks to her husband (hubby's son) and her children, especially her daughter (9 now). Very controlling. I think going there tired was my first mistake, because I had been having trouble holding back for awhile. When they came and spent Christmas here, she spent the entire day sulking in the kitchen, insisting her daughter do Chinese homework - on Christmas Day! We weren't happy about it, but were powerless to intervene without risking a big blow-up.

Sigh.


Edited by Eagle Heart (06/05/10 08:11 PM)
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#204325 - 06/05/10 08:42 PM Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren [Re: Eagle Heart]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Eagle no matter what you would do or try to do she will think you wrong. She is using her children to torture you and no one can help. The children suffer, you and hubby suffer as does everyone else who cares for these kids. What would happen if you guys just dropped in, no call, no warning, no nothing. Bring and give the children gifts and at leasat if she tells you to get out you can go or not whatever you want to do. She needs to learn NO ONE gives a crap what she says. Don't play into her insanity, come and go as you please it will make her even more nuts.

Andre needs to go to his sons work near the end of day or lunchtime and have it out with him. Asking him if he is the man of the house or a big fat whipped nothing?
Just my way of dealing with the impossible and I have had good luck with it usually too. Does my DIL love me, hell no, but then she never did before either when I was doing things HER way...
People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Bless you kind heart. HUGS!
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#204336 - 06/05/10 10:48 PM Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren [Re: chatty lady]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4874
Loc: Canada
You're right, Chatty. As Dr. Phil is always saying, we teach people how to treat us...we've allowed this woman to manipulate us (using the children as pawns) for so long, because we've been afraid of losing contact with the children. Hubby has thought of just dropping in - he can probably get away with it and they'll probably be glad to see him. Not sure if I'm ready to show up unannounced the first time, I'm a wimp and not ashamed to admit it! But maybe if he paves the way...
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#204339 - 06/06/10 03:32 AM Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren [Re: Eagle Heart]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
It must a puzzel for small children to not see you..how do they make sense of you not being there..Cuba they would understand..
fact is their primary caregiver will show this behaviour often and they minds will blend this into their thinking..when they are older and can choose to visit is something to look forward to.but the seeds have to be sown now,
Its past time that your husband spoke with his son...could he write and say that he may see family counsellors to arrange visits..or could between them set up a visit?

these visits could be on neutral ground all legal and outwith the DIL 's power.For the childrens sake ..do something..things are so bad what would a lawyer add to the unhappiness?
poor son..what a life for him.

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#204340 - 06/06/10 03:34 AM Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren [Re: Eagle Heart]
AvalonBlondi Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/05
Posts: 1096
Loc: West Chester ,PA
I am so sorry for your pain Eagle...but people like this woman never change...they look for reasons to hate people..and when they think they have found a reason they cling to it for dear life...My husband 's older brother's wife is the same way...she was awful to my in laws for 40 years before they passed...and I am talking about 2 of the sweetest people to ever grace this earth...she denied them access to their grandchildren for years and even refused to go to my FIL's funeral...which was so embarrassing for my poor brother in law. I know he carries so much guilt over his parents and how she treated them...and now he has to live with it because they are gone...if your stepson won't answer the phone then your husband should write him a letter and send it to his workplace ...maybe your stepson could bring the children to a place where you could just happen to run into them and perhaps share a meal without the awful wife present...I feel so sorry for you my friend...but unless your stepson stands up to her (which sounds doubtful) you may have to wait until the kids are old enough to make up their own minds to see you..it's a sad situation...but even sadder, it's not uncommon...I have heard this story too often....Hang in my Friend...
_________________________
Nancy

People may not remember exactly what you said or what you did...but they will always remember how you made them feel

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#204349 - 06/06/10 09:18 AM Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren [Re: AvalonBlondi]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4874
Loc: Canada
MA & Nancy, I constantly worry and pray for my granddaughter. We were very close. I've sent her little cards to remind her that we love her, but I actually doubt that the mother is passing the cards along. The GD would be in a tricky position. She would have been the one to comfort and calm her mother down after we left that day, and she will always do whatever it takes to keep her mother happy, or at least "contained". Very very sad (understatement). We have contemplated legal action, just to be able to be sure that our GD is safe, but want to be very sure it's necessary before we do, because we know first-hand the excruciating ripple effects that such an action could have for the rest of everyone's lives. I hope that our hesitancy doesn't have equally or worse ripple effects further down the line. It's hard to know what to do. She's not in any physical danger, but I'm sure it's not the healthiest environment for her, always having to appease her mother like that, always having to compromise her way to peaceful co-existence, and she's only 9. Her brother's 3 and is safe (boys are coddled and worshipped in the Chinese culture!).

Anyway, I have to run, hubby's calling, we're renovating our bedroom and I need to go help hold some nails, LOL. Thanks everyone!!
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#204350 - 06/06/10 10:25 AM Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren [Re: Eagle Heart]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Whatever.... the little girl has a dependancy on her Mother..comforting her Mother...so sad that she is in that role.
yet we have to accept the relationship both need and have.
The place we are born into is our life lesson..and so many people go on to live great lives despite to hardship...for however affluent a family may be...emotional hardship can exist
A suggestion
start a journal that one day she will have from you..make it a between you two..tell how you miss her company..tell her what you are doing..there is no need to mention her Mother..the sophisticated thinking will be in place..sadly at the loss of part of childhood joy..
in my career many children in my remit had hardship at home...almost all defended their parents..no matter what went on..its essential that they have "some" relationship.to loose that for a child is loss part of themselves..
Go buy a a pretty journal Sharon...mention how you talk to us about your pride in her musical ability..and I know your writing will be beautiful...speak from that big heart you have.

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#204351 - 06/06/10 10:32 AM Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren [Re: Mountain Ash]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2433
Loc: Arizona
I think MA's suggestion is a great one. You can take comfort in knowing she will read it one day and know you cared for and loved her.
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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