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#205768 - 07/14/10 08:04 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: chatty lady]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2559
Loc: Alabama
Chatty...I feel your pain...as well as Edelweiss's. I am, once again, estranged from my sons. It seems if they have a Mother in their life they can't 'be the man'. I did not go to my son's wedding last year and will probably never see any grandchildren. Chatty, I hope you reach a place where you can accept where life has brought you and let go of the anger. Grief carries with it many stages and I've been through all of them concerning this...but, since I've gone through this three times with my boys I've got some battle scars and saw this coming, again. Some of what happened completely blind-sided me and one of my sons, according to a counselor he suggested I see, told me that he's never forgiven me for the divorce and breakup of his home as a little boy and he's been sabotaging my relationship with his brother ever since...resentment? Jealousy? Payback? I don't know. With the other son it always stems around the woman in his life...first, the stripper...oh yes...the kind of person you bring home to mama. She made me public enemy #1 when I asked her to leave my home for her vulgar behavior. He didn't speak to me for about a year...not until he broke up with her. Relationship #2 made me enemy #1 when I voiced (in private to him) my disapproval of this girl's flatuating and loud burping at the dinner table while she laughed and thought it all so funny. Again, he didnt' speak to me for quite some time. Both sons ganged up on me and said I had no right to judge despite this stuff happened in MY home. Girl 3# is someone I won't discuss here because she's now married to my son and I don't want to go there. But, between his brother and his wife I stood no chance at all and am again enemy #1. I was accused of things I didn't do. I was accused of always playing the victim and about the cruelist things sons and DIL could say to their mom and MIL was said to me.
Mother's day comes and goes with no contact. When your son thinks nothing of telling you you're "F'd up, you F'ing need help, etc.", it's time to cut ties from that person.
Christmas/birthdays/holidays...will no longer be shared with my sons. It's all gone and all over. The last thing that was said to me by one of them or my DIL is "HA, I win. You lose. Maybe you should be worried." in a private message to this forum several months back. I have an idea who it is but will never be 100% sure. It was cruel and to kick someone when they're down like this is beyond cruel...it's malicious. I mean, what kind of person does this and feels good about themself?
I'm bringing this up, Chatty, because you are never going to change your son and how he treats you...he may come around for a little while but in the end their true colors will come through and you will be disappointed again and again. I've gone through the heartbreak 3 times and frankly am tired of it and if my finding peace means I never see them again then so be it. If they prefer being this way over showing respect for their Mother then I'm not the one who needs to see a counselor...they are. And she said she'd be more than happy to tell them that any time they had balls enough to face her. I won't tell you what she thinks of what my DIL told me...she did say they were heartless and speaks volumns of what kind of person is at the heart of those kinds of remarks. It's one thing to be disappointed in someone but to take it to the level she did says more about her than it does me. I am proud that I did not get down on the level she did but maintained my dignity and calm. I was praying during her ranting for God to keep me in his hands and calming spirit...He did and I am grateful that I maintained. My counselor told me I was a stronger woman than she is...she would have told her DIL where to get off.
If my kids had been minor's then I could say I'm responsible...but when they're adults and act like this, it's on them.
This is on your son, Chatty...and he is the one who has to look in the mirror and live with his decisions concerning you. My view is if he can live without you, so can you live without him. Not what you wanted as his Mother, but you can't make someone want to be in your life who doesn't want to be there. They can blame you, be mad at you, say you're F'd up, resent you for not thinking their poop doesn't stink (or their girlfriends), but in the end it's what they have to live with.
I did the best I could under the circumstances. I was the best Mother I could be. And like you, Chatty, I earned that respect because I'm 'mom'. If they don't want to see that then they are the one's who will eventually, down the road, get what they give through their own children. What goes around comes around. I miss the boys I remember who showed me respect. I miss the boys I remember who allowed me to be a mom. I miss having boys who would ask the woman in their life to show respect to their Mother...I've never had that and I think it's because I was divorced and they didn't have a man in their life to teach them that their Mother should be respected no matter what. Their dad sure as hell wasn't ever going to teach them to respect me. Maybe, in the end, this is the root cause of it all. I don't know. And maybe it was he who sent that final message saying he'd won and I'd lost. I'll never know.
Chatty...it would have been very easy for me to curl up and stop living because my son's did what they've done. And for awhile I went through a lot of griving...but, I snapped out of it and woke up and decided that life is too short to waste it on wanting someone who doesn't want me. I looked up and there smiling back at me is Larry...the sweet man I married over 5 years ago. He makes everything all right and he's my focus. He respects his Mother and always has...he's not afraid to let her call him terms of endearment without fear of his testicles falling off. He would do anything for her and he never, ever speaks to her disrespectfully...never curses around her and it is Larry who I wish I'd had my children with. If there's one thing I would take back it is who my sons' father is. Ahhhh, but as Larry says, they'll regret it one day...probably when it's too late, but they'll reget it. Your son will too...probably, as with mine, when it's too late.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#205769 - 07/14/10 08:17 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Dee]
Dancing Dolphin Offline
Member

Registered: 03/06/06
Posts: 2529
Loc: Southern California
Ahhh, geeze, I just want to crawl into my computer monitor and out of yours, so I can reach out and give you ALL a gigantic hug!!!!

Any of you want to adopt me? I don't get along with my mom! We don't fight, but she has no filter when she speaks and often says rude and thoughtless things to me, my friends and my family. I don't enjoy spending time with her, but feel an obligation.

I know you would have had to be about 5 years old when you had me, but we can pretend!! smile Mother me all you want!!

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#205776 - 07/15/10 03:58 AM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Dancing Dolphin]
Edelweiss2 Offline


Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 779
Loc: American living in Germany
Dee, your post made me choke up. I could so identify with it, and also the fact that I believe my son's father wasn't strict enough. I remember how fresh my kids could be to me. I would reprimand them, and my husband would just sit and watch silently. It was a huge issue between us during our marriage. His excuse was he didn't want the kids to feel ganged up on. Well...now he sees the result; at least with one.
Did you see the link I posted in my last post? I found it interesting reading.
I decided to delete some of the personal stuff that I wrote. I have to be careful, becasue of the divorce proceedings and the child custody case.

Sweet Dolphin...I would adopt you in a flash. So my daughter is a doctor? I'm sooo very proud of you, you sweet thing, you. Don't forget to take some magnesium...it's healthy for you in this heat. Oops...here I am giving my daughter-doctor advice. tsk tsk...mama will keepa her moutha shut now. nighty night.Oh, may I braid your hair? grin

_________________________
A friend is a gift you give yourself.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson

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#205777 - 07/15/10 04:43 AM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Edelweiss2]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
This year when visiting a friend another woman related her experience with her son...and she could have been mirroring the experience you ladies tell of.Then my friend said her son forgot her birthday..so she asked if he ever forgot to go to the dentist..he had said no...his teeth teeth were important..she then asked him to write in his diary when her birthday was..calmly and no further debate...He got the message.

That day I heard of many hurts..and sat quietly..but in respect to my son and his Father I said to both the women that I was sorry they were hurting but both my grown children did show kindness and respect and that it would be wrong if I sat silent.And that I was grateful.I do this here also..not to be anything other than honest.

We as women deserve to be treated with basic good manners..its essential for our wellbeing.

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#205778 - 07/15/10 09:12 AM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Mountain Ash]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2559
Loc: Alabama
DD...yes yes yes I will adopt you...Edelweiss and I can share custody! smile You're so sweet.
Edelweiss...I know your situation and not having the support of your husband, I think, makes a difference...I watch how kids are talking to their parents at 4-5-6-10-15 years of age and the parents don't bat an eyelash...they need to wake up...part of being a good parents is loving your children, yes, but it also means setting a limit and meaning it...some kids think because they're grown they no longer have to respect those limits...give me a break.
MA...at least she didn't get an argument of justification from her son for his lack of sensitivity. I'm glad your children treat you with respect and your last sentence speaks volumns.
EW...I did see the link you posted...very interesting, thank you.
Today is a new day...I am alive, my husband is safe and sound at home sleeping peacefully and all is right with the world. I'm grateful for the love that surrounds me here and now and that includes all of my BWS friends, too. You're always here with such support and wonderful advice. Thanks for being here.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#205782 - 07/15/10 01:46 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Dee]
Dancing Dolphin Offline
Member

Registered: 03/06/06
Posts: 2529
Loc: Southern California
Yay, 2 new mamas! Thanks girls. Now, who wants to brush my hair first? And okay, okay, I'll go clean up my room now! smile

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#205783 - 07/15/10 01:55 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Dee]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
Sheese, I am crying - out of love and empathy. I do not know what else to say.
_________________________
Follow our story of living, loving and laughing with a debilitating disease:

http://www.multiplesystematrophyandshy-drager.blogspot.com

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#205787 - 07/15/10 08:21 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Anno]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Dee, I want you and everyone to understand that now I am in another phase of my life and instead of laying around mooping and being sad, I have moved on. No anger but NO feelings either. I haven't seen my younger son for some 16 years and have managed just fine. If my eldest wants to be a jackass then he can hit the road as well. I have done fine on my own all these years and now I am even better prepared to accept being alone except for my true friends, and that is some of you ladies. Sassy and I will do just fine...

Humm, not trying to encourage your decision to come and live with me Dancing Dolphin, but I will brush your hair, cook you marvelous meals for you and clean your room...

Actually I'd love to adopt you, Edelweiss and Dee and we could be the new Golden Girls...plus Queen JJ, have to have a Fairy Godmother on call...
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#205792 - 07/15/10 09:24 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Dee]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3655
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Originally Posted By: Dee
This is on your son, Chatty...and he is the one who has to look in the mirror and live with his decisions concerning you. My view is if he can live without you, so can you live without him. Not what you wanted as his Mother, but you can't make someone want to be in your life who doesn't want to be there. They can blame you, be mad at you, say you're F'd up, resent you for not thinking their poop doesn't stink (or their girlfriends), but in the end it's what they have to live with.
I did the best I could under the circumstances. I was the best Mother I could be. And like you, Chatty, I earned that respect because I'm 'mom'. If they don't want to see that then they are the one's who will eventually, down the road, get what they give through their own children. What goes around comes around. I miss the boys I remember who showed me respect. I miss the boys I remember who allowed me to be a mom.


It is best to let go of the idea that one's children, makes one happy. This is why I chose not to become a parent. I laud every parent and their effort to raise children for at least 20 yrs. I couldn't give like this and then be sabotaged.

Maybe I'm selfish but as the eldest kid, I witnessed too much the toll of childrearing on my parents.

i remember once in my early 20's, in the heat of an argument with mother and crying, I yelled at her: why could she be the mother....that was like a friend/etc.?

My mother did not disguise her anger...and she also suddenly broke down and cried. My father gently intervened and sided with her. He did the right thing. He asked that I not be so bull-headed and to be more thoughtful. At that moment in my life, i understood I was not giving my mother the right to be "herself" and for acknowledging her hard work.

Parents ahve to be united together, to speak out firmly if they feel they are significantly misunderstood by adult children (as long as the parents aren't endangering their own personal safety or finances).

As for missing birthdays, etc. Every family is different. In our family, it's good enough to get acknowledgement even 1-2 weesk, months after the birthday. In our family, people don't get overly bent of shape compared to bigger stuff (ie. appreciation in general) Partially because my parents never made much of a deal of our birthdays as kids until we left home. I don't remember a birthday cake for each of us each year. maybe a nicer supper, some candy. Nothing sticks in my memory.

What makes it more unusual to folks here, is that I'm not even clear the exact days of parents' birthdays. They really downplay this. But they do take mother's day and father's day abit more seriously than b-days.















Edited by orchid (07/15/10 09:30 PM)
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com
http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com/

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#205796 - 07/15/10 10:52 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: orchid]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2559
Loc: Alabama
Chatty I'm glad to hear you're in a place where you are able to live with what's happened...you're a strong, strong woman and I have learned so much from you. Hum, DD, EW, JJ, Chatty...you're ALL adopted in my heart...Slumber party, hot chocolate, pop corn, jumping up and down on the bed, telling ghost stories in the dark with flashlights...and yes sharing a hair brush amongst we girls.
Orchid...you are, to me, like the wise Owl that sits in the tree quietly looking down and observing. When you speak I hang on your words...you are calming, wise, and such a good person. I'm glad you had a Father who stood by your Mother...I think when that happens, a fair united front, children are taught so much more than showing respect. It shows a partnership and responsibility to teach your children how to show and give respect to the most important man and woman in their life.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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