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#208556 - 10/22/10 12:32 PM Conflicted
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2435
Loc: Arizona
I had a call from my younger son this morning to tell me his dad, my ex, died yesterday evening. While this was not unexpected - my ex had a couple of heart attacks and congestive heart failure - the news was a shock. I hadn't talked to my ex for many years; we divorced 17 years ago after being married for almost 25 years. I am wrestling with what I feel about this. On the one hand, I loved him once; on the other, his drug and alcohol abuse caused his death and the death of our marriage. I'm not sure what I feel at the moment. Anybody else had this happen?
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#208557 - 10/22/10 01:24 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: yonuh]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3659
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
You share a son with your ex. This in itself is something good.

Yonuh and others here:

With deep grief and sadness, I share now the bad news that a sister committed suicide. I just returned from flying out to her funeral.

She is the sister 1 yr. younger than I. I have posted a photo in the past here on this forum of her with her family. She leaves 2 adult children (daughter 25 and son, 23) and a loving husband.

She was in deep depression for last few months though she did not disclose it to all family members. She's had bouts ..and was on anti-depressants but refused psychiatric help. I feel so strongly now that had she been advised for psychotherapy, it might be have been a different outcome.

It is very difficult to also see my father grieve and also support his wife, my mother. Just before my sister's death, we found out that my father's prostate cancer is progressing abit more.

I have many thoughts of my sister and also of my parents, who are now more visibly smaller, greyer and weaker.

There are other things going for me personally, which I need to sort out over time.

For her children, they each gave impressive euologies about their mother, considering their grief over the tragic and sudden death of their mother and the stress.

The small solace I take is that I have loved and known my sister for long enough to know the best of her, her potential and what may have troubled her (though no one is completely sure), and also that her children are old enough to appreciate and articulate on their love and appreciation of their mother in a multi-faceted way.

Perhaps yonuh, your son and yourself find what his life did provide, as a starting point. Whereas the other weaknesses can be brought forward for context.

I did not mean to hijack this thread. It is about inner struggle with conflicting questions and feelings over significant family members in our lives.
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#208559 - 10/22/10 02:34 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: orchid]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4874
Loc: Canada
Orchid, I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart feels your sorrow and grieves with you.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#208560 - 10/22/10 02:48 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: yonuh]
Ellemm Offline


Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 601
Yonuh, I don't see why you *shouldn't* feel conflicted. After all, the relationship you had with your ex-husband died a long time ago. I'm sure you didn't wish his death, but there were many struggles, many difficulties, and finally the end of a partnership. It's perfectly normal to feel shocked at the news and also kind of distant.

I can assure you that for some of my relatives, and all of my husband's, their demise will just mean more family trouble. There just are not a lot of good memories there and there is an enormous amount of dysfunction. Any regret will be what might been have under completely different circumstances -- and that's just fantasizing. I'm just being honest here.

And Orchid, I'm so sorry to hear of your deep and shocking loss. This is a terrible, terrible blow to a family. Gentle thoughts for all of you.


Edited by Ellemm (10/22/10 05:21 PM)

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#208561 - 10/22/10 03:11 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: yonuh]
Anne Holmes Administrator Offline
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 2861
Loc: Illinois
Yonuh,

My ex died some years ago. I had stayed in touch with him on a regular basis over the years after our divorce, as our children were VERY young (my oldest was a mere kindergartner and she is now 32) when we divorced and we shared joint custody. He died a few days short of that same daughter's 13th birthday.

I knew he was dying -- he'd had cancer, been in remission and then it came back -- because by the time it happened, he'd become too ill to care for the kids, and I had sole custody.

STILL I was amazed at the impact his death had on me. Even though I'd thought all my feelings for this man had died at the time of the divorce - and I was happily remarried by the time of his death -- I actually felt somewhat like a grieving widow.

This took me by surprise, of course, and thankfully, Steve was an immensely supportive rock. (Though I think he had some challenges with his boss when he asked for bereavement leave to attend his wife's ex-husband's funeral.)

But Orchid and Ellemm are right. The two of you shared a life and had a child together, and though your time together with him is no more, I am not surprised that you find yourself feeling conflicted.

My best advice: Just realize that it's normal for you to feel the way you do, and allow yourself a bit of time to grieve. It is a final time of closure for you.

Sending you you my love and prayers.


Edited by Anne Holmes (10/22/10 03:12 PM)
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#208562 - 10/22/10 03:17 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: orchid]
Anne Holmes Administrator Offline
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 2861
Loc: Illinois
Orchid, I too am sorry for your loss.

A sister holds a special place in your heart. There are so many things you have shared over the years of growing up.

At the same time, you want to protect your parents from their pain of grief, as you feel they already have enough to handle.

I am so glad your niece and nephew gave such loving eulogies. They will be happy they were able to do that, as the years move forward.

I am holding your family in my heart.
_________________________
Boomer in Chief of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
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#208567 - 10/22/10 04:55 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: Anne Holmes]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2435
Loc: Arizona
Orchid, I'm so sorry for your loss. Surviving the suicide of a family member carries with it a whole different grieving process. My condolences to all your family.
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#208568 - 10/22/10 05:00 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: yonuh]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2435
Loc: Arizona
Thank you all. My sons are very close to their dad, so this is hitting them hard. I still think of them as my boys, even though they are both in their late 30s and have kids of their own. Isn't it silly how they never really grow up in our hearts?
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#208570 - 10/22/10 10:24 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: yonuh]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3659
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
May your boys keep well, yonuh during this time.

____________________________

Thanks for you all for your kind words so far. I told a friend whom I've known face to face for over the past 16 yrs. She told me her father committed suicide at 64 yrs...20 yrs. ago. I just learned of this and just am flabbergasted and shocked.

Seems like many people just walk around conflicted, holding a private /personal knowledge for large chunks of time when a suicide happens in family. It's difficult to talk a whole lot about it to people who aren't friends or aren't trained professionals in this area, because a person...doesn't have the answers and...sometimes doesn't feel like trying to give context/explanations to everyone else who learns about it.
Which is how I feel about it right now.

I fear very much for the health of my father now. However my parents are talking more openly about their reserved cemetary plots, etc. which they bought many years ago.

Right now my head and heart trying to process multiple things. (and shouldn't be here on a forum vs. doing other stuff). I wish this was just a strange, awful dream.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com
http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com/

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#208572 - 10/23/10 04:55 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: orchid]
Anne Holmes Administrator Offline
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 2861
Loc: Illinois
Hope you are having a better day today, Orchid. I am thinking of you, holding you in my heart. Be kind to yourself.
_________________________
Boomer in Chief of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com
www.boomerlifestyle.com
www.boomerco.com

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