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#208730 - 11/02/10 02:49 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: ]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4871
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: MustangGal
Eagle Heart, I've been suicidal, even as recent as last month. But no one really cares and my family said that I'm on my own and not to expect any help from them.
That's pretty much how I felt most of my life too. Now they're all gone and there's not even the hope of any of them caring. One reality that I had to come face to face with, and continue to struggle with, is that eventually - no, NOW - it's up to me and me alone to provide myself with what I need that others fail or refuse to give me. That's a huge "ouch" point for me, because I have a lot of rips in the fabric of my life that need mending, a lot of questions about worth and purpose that I need answers to...ultimately, it's up to me to decide what I'm worth and what my purpose is. Nobody else has those answers for me, and the people that I think should be helping, aren't helping. So I either give up, or do it myself. Very difficult to affirm oneself. I don't even know if it's entirely possible. But it IS possible for me to declare my worth and decide that my life IS worth living and that I get to decide how to live it.

It's not easy, still a day-to-day challenge, but I no longer choose the alternative. I want to live, and with or without them, I WILL live!


Edited by Eagle Heart (11/02/10 02:50 PM)
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When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

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#208754 - 11/03/10 09:26 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: Eagle Heart]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3652
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
During this time Mustang, do you have a face to face friend to chat up occasionally? And please, say so that you would like to have coffee with them. Don't hint nor be too obtuse, vague.
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http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com/

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#208761 - 11/04/10 11:05 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: orchid]
MustangGal
Unregistered


No, I don't speak to anyone about it. I do chat it up at the stable with the other gals when the occassion allows.

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#208768 - 11/04/10 05:18 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: Anne Holmes]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3652
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Eagle:
Quote:
...I had to answer a lot of angry questions and it really helped me to see what a terrible tragedy suicide truly is.


It really is terrible.
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http://velourbansism.wordpress.com
http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com/

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#208827 - 11/07/10 03:36 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: orchid]
judym Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 156
Loc: AL
Orchid, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. There is no easy way to get thru this stuff, time does NOT heal all wounds. Many prayers to you and yours, in all truth and my spirit. Wishing you as best can be during your grief time. And many prayers from all of us to support you, hopefully. If you ever want to unburden, this is the BEST place possible. It took me 10 years to unload my heart. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. It seems like there is no prayer, nor thought, nor wish nor a God that can take away your pain at this time..please know there are many there in this forum that can perhaps ease that in time.

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#208829 - 11/07/10 03:43 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: Eagle Heart]
judym Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 156
Loc: AL
and I have, though even after this long it is a perilous aspect and still a journey...still mad at the medical profession for dismissing human beings when they are too ill to "continue treatment"..rife with regrets, love for how they made me and how they shaped me and the total wonder that Mom and Helen gave birth to us..the thread is Very Very strong and a thing of wonder (I always wonder, do young mothers know the circle of life that they have created and committed to...it is a treasure beyond ken!) , dismay and guilt...I think we all carry that burden till we heal from the pain. Thank you so much for your post- and Prayers to Orchid, there is so much pain in her loss.

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#208830 - 11/07/10 03:44 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: orchid]
judym Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 156
Loc: AL
honey I am so sorry. that truly is horrible. Love to you and prayers to you and your family

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#208831 - 11/07/10 03:47 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: Eagle Heart]
judym Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 156
Loc: AL
I appreciate your reply, and yes am getting to a better place this long in the journey

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#208842 - 11/08/10 04:26 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: judym]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
So much sadness, I wish I could hold and heal everyone.

Judy and EagleHeart, I'm sorry you both still grieve from the way your Moms were treated. When we put a certain trust in the medical establishment to heal us or a loved one, it's especially bitter that those whom we trust let us down.

Yonuh, perhaps your conflict comes from grieving, not the flawed man you divorced long ago, but the man whom you once had hope in. Even though your emotional hope in him died a long time ago, his physical death seals the end of that hope.

Orchid, I'm so sorry for your sister's suicide. All the "what if we knew how bad it was, and what if we did something" is wasted guilt for something you really didn't know. Sudden grief is the hardest, because you had no time to prepare. That, added to your father's deteriorating health, is a huge burden for you to bear. Add that to the isolation of moving to a new town by yourself. My heart goes out to you.

Mustang, hang in there. Even if the people in your life are shi-s, your horses love you and so do we.
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#208852 - 11/08/10 10:25 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: meredithbead]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3652
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
thx kind thoughts too from judy and meredith. It's strange to send emails to family...and now to omit a sibling's name. All sorts of reminders each day that a dear loved one is missing forever.

Mustang where are you at right now?
Darn that happy icon which has popped up beside my name...I need a non-committal face right now..
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com
http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com/

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