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#208681 - 10/30/10 08:41 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: judym]
judym Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 156
Loc: AL
And yes, the pain does recede over time, but does ever the guilt you feel about being helpless in such a situation, nor having the courage to pursue the wrong that was done your parent? I think that will never go away, you just pray they understand you where you were in that time .

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#208682 - 10/30/10 08:50 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: judym]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4871
Loc: Canada
Judy, I think the anniversaries do trigger the stuff that we haven't been able to heal yet. Everytime I feel that regret, I try to remember that I was able to use what I learned from Mom's experience and apply it to my brother when he went through his cancer in 2006/2007. We were much more vocal in demanding dignity and thorough investigation with him. And we made sure that there was no DNR on his record (it was enough that his family knew his wishes...we decided to leave it off his official record and we dealt with that decision only when we absolutely had to.)

It's really sad when we encounter medical staff who treat patients as disposable non-entities. Thankfully, I've since met many who are caring, thorough, nurturing and aware of the dignity of each person regardless of prognosis. In some cases, I think we have to draw that out of them, remind them, advocate for loved ones (and for ourselves as well) and not settle for less. As in almost anywhere else, squeaky wheels get the grease and I've had to learn to be a squeaky wheel when it really counts.

I hope you're able to find healing and peace with your Mom's experience. It was a very sad and tragic passage for her and for you. I really believe that we can and must find and give forgiveness, not only to anyone who has caused the pain and anger, but also forgive ourselves because somewhere deep inside of us, we're still blaming ourselves for what happened. But we're not meant to carry that guilt and burden forever. At some point, we have to relinquish it and allow ourselves to be forgiven and to move on and focus on happier memories. Easier said than done. But we're all works-in-progress, and for you and I, finding peace, forgiveness and healing is part of that progress.

_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#208683 - 10/30/10 10:20 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: Eagle Heart]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3652
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Quote:
But we're not meant to carry that guilt and burden forever. At some point, we have to relinquish it and allow ourselves to be forgiven and to move on and focus on happier memories. Easier said than done. But we're all works-in-progress, and for you and I, finding peace, forgiveness and healing is part of that progress.



It's been less than 2 wks. since my sister's suicide. Honest, I seriously wonder if any family can completely unburden guilt for not doing the "what ifs".

It is enormous just to even talk about it. Right now, it drained my motivation to write anything that falls outside of a job/work. After such a tragedy alot of things look trivial/feel trivial.

P.S. I can't seem to switch the happy face beside my pseudonymn to something else non-commital. Another trivial thing...
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com
http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com/

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#208684 - 10/31/10 07:37 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: orchid]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4871
Loc: Canada
Orchid, dealing with the tragedy of suicide is unimaginably painful. The ripple effect of suicide is brutal and wounding to everyone it touches. Your grief is compounded by the agony of those "what ifs" and perhaps you're right, perhaps those never completely go away. The grief journey for me after each loss (my Dad, Mom and brother most significantly) has been about 3-5 years, with triggers even now, 9-10 years later. The hole and sense of loss never goes away. And it's so fresh for you right now, it will be inconceivable to you that you'll ever feel better or that the world will ever seem right to you. Be compassionate with yourself and this grief.

It's probably too soon, but someday I wonder if it might help to talk with people who have tried to commit suicide and survived. Like me. I can tell you that when I was in the act of taking my own life, it was nobody else's fault, nobody did or didn't do anything that was a factor in my decision. I had been depressed for so long, even been in hospital for treatment for 3 months, and still nothing was working. I simply wanted the pain to end. It wasn't so much that I wanted to die as I wanted the pain and relentless voices in my head to stop. I don't think that at that point anyone could have convinced me not to do it. One of the truths about suicide is that it's a very selfish act. I was obsessed and absolutely convinced that it was the only way now, since nothing else had worked. That's how depression works, it wraps you in a shroud of darkness that nothing and nobody can penetrate.

Very few are comfortable talking about suicide. I am. If you ever need to talk about it, ask questions, please use me and my unique insight into it.


Edited by Eagle Heart (10/31/10 07:41 AM)
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#208688 - 10/31/10 11:06 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: Eagle Heart]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3652
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
I didn't realize Eagle you had contemplated it in the past. Seems like there was another BWS member who also was in a similar depressive state and also survived.

As for your comments on a different thread about your need and peace to be left alone rather than making the effort to contact friends, I understand how it feels.

Only 2 face to face friends know at this time and both have lost significant family members due to health condition or suicide. I just simply find it easier to hang out with people who have known me face to face for many years so I don't have to spend so much energy explaining about myself, family background.... I know that they may not give me the objectivity I need to deal with this right now. But what I need most at this time, is a comforting presence that makes no/little demands on me ...simply because such folks know me and various family members well enough.

I am also trying to conserve mental energy because I'm now living in different city, going to start to a new job. I've requested and granted an additional 2 weeks before the original start date. So glad I asked for it.

So several major life change shocks occurring simultaneously. My family also is turning their attention for practical reasons of helping my father to the next phase of his cancer...

So grief hopefully will get expressed in manageable ways that isn't shoved too deep under the rug for some of us in the family. I don't know. We'll see.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com
http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com/

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#208697 - 10/31/10 04:07 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: orchid]
Anne Holmes Administrator Online   content
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 2802
Loc: Illinois
Hi Orchid,

I will continue praying for you as you move forward with your life. You mentioned that you recall there is another member of BWS who has contemplated suicide: There may actually be many, but one who has been quite vocal about it is Princess Lenora - She's the one who wrote Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story and who not only survived her suicide attempt, but now is a social worker dedicated to ending the abuse that led to her suicide.

Of course there are many reasons besides sexual abuse/rape - probably PL's ultimate reason for choosing death to end her pain -- which can cause people to decide to take their own lives.

I recently read that suicide is growing among Baby Boomers. Here's one article about that, but there are plenty online if you want to look into this more. Don't know if that will help you and your family or not... Suicide Rates Up Among Baby Boomers
_________________________
Boomer in Chief of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
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www.boomerwomenspeak.com
www.boomerlifestyle.com
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#208698 - 10/31/10 05:45 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: Anne Holmes]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4871
Loc: Canada
I think Vicki Taylor is another BWS member who has shared about her journey with depression and (I hope I'm remembering correctly, Vicki) suicidal thinking. At some point in the grief journey, it might help to question those who have tried or thought about suicide, because it does give a unique insight into the unfathomable despair and mangled thinking behind that desperate state of being. I know that there is great confusion, anger and frustration in the loved ones of those who commit or try to commit suicide...I had to answer a lot of angry questions and it really helped me to see what a terrible tragedy suicide truly is.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#208709 - 11/01/10 11:59 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: judym]
Songbird Offline
Member

Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 2830
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
Yonuh, Orchid and Jabber: I'm sorry for your loss. I pray God comforts each of you. I know how hard it is. We recently lost mom and it affects each and every fiber in your body and soul.

We were not meant to die. But please know that I'll keep you all in my prayers.
_________________________
In His love, Songbird
http://expressionpublishingministries.com
www.inkspirationsbyrhodi.blogspot.com
NABBW & NAWW

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#208718 - 11/02/10 11:34 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: Songbird]
MustangGal
Unregistered


Eagle Heart, I've been suicidal, even as recent as last month. But no one really cares and my family said that I'm on my own and not to expect any help from them. I've felt like that since a teenager due to child sexual assault. I so want to call the uncle who molested me and tell him he owes me financially for all that he's done to me.

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#208728 - 11/02/10 01:37 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: ]
Anne Holmes Administrator Online   content
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 2802
Loc: Illinois
Oh, Mustang!

I am so saddened to hear you have been suicidal and that you were sexually assaulted as a teenager by your uncle. Princess Lenora writes so eloquently in her book "Beyond the Tears" about her sexual assaults - and you probably know that she is a woman on a mission to lift the veil of secrecy on sexual assaults as so many of them DO lead to suicide.

If you haven't read her book or communicated with her, please do so. She's since gone back to college and become a social worker.

I don't know the ramifications of calling your uncle, but I am sure it would be worthwhile to write down your story and share your thoughts with the Universe, even if you just write them for yourself, read them and then have a ceremony where you burn the thoughts and celebrate that he/they can't hurt you anymore.

I am a big believer in Karma, so I am sure he will get his punishment somewhere along the road of life.

Meanwhile, you are a valuable person and such an important part of BWS. We need you here!
_________________________
Boomer in Chief of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com
www.boomerlifestyle.com
www.boomerco.com

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