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#208853 - 11/08/10 02:21 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: orchid]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4871
Loc: Canada
It's been over three years and I still can't bring myself to erase my brother's name from my address book. And there are still moments when the thought flashes through my mind to phone him. Lots of daily reminders everywhere we go. It never stops, I think it just gets easier to swallow down that flash of agony whereas in the beginning it was so excruciating I thought the "agony of absence" was going to suffocate me. I still allow myself to have a good cry once in awhile when needed. I'm finally getting to the stage where I can enjoy the good memories too...up until recently, every memory and reminder made me weep.

My Dad died suddenly in 1999...it took me about 3 years before I could look at a picture of him without totally breaking down. It wasn't like that when Mom died, maybe because we knew she wasn't going to survive the cancer.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#208963 - 11/14/10 10:50 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: Eagle Heart]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 9509
Loc: New York State
Eagle,
The number of people in Heaven who were close to me here is huge. I miss them. But my prayer life sure has increased. Life isn't easy. And I'm certain many boomers know how you're feeling. You're a sweet, sweet lady. May the Holy Spirit comfort you daily. Prayers and blessings... wink


Edited by jabber (11/14/10 10:52 AM)
_________________________
Everything loses its flavor without God!
Joyce Meyer Ministries
Down on my knees I've learn to stand!
Colbert & Joyce Croft

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#208972 - 11/15/10 09:33 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: jabber]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 9509
Loc: New York State
The day I heard my cousin died, I couldn't even speak! It took
a couple days just to say that she had died. Wow! Some things
are way too hard.
_________________________
Everything loses its flavor without God!
Joyce Meyer Ministries
Down on my knees I've learn to stand!
Colbert & Joyce Croft

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#209663 - 12/17/10 09:22 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: Anne Holmes]
Songbird Offline
Member

Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 2830
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
Dear Mustang,
how it shakes me to know that you're hurting so deeply! I am truly sorry that you are living in so much pain.

Please remember YOU are precious. You are a Gift of God. Thou others treat you with less respect than each person deserves, remember YOU are irreplaceable.

Not always do we realize how much others are enduring. Not always are we capable of understanding and helping. I pray you find healing in the love of God. I pray he gives meaning and direction to your life, that others can also find hope in their struggles, because of you.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. When we forgive those who have wronged us, we are releasing us from the chains of resentment.

May the Lord comfort and guide you, that you may find joy and purpose to your life.

Love, peace and many blessings!
_________________________
In His love, Songbird
http://expressionpublishingministries.com
www.inkspirationsbyrhodi.blogspot.com
NABBW & NAWW

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#209680 - 12/17/10 10:07 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: Songbird]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
goodness what an intense and intresting thread.

mustange i am sorry your sucidal feeling are ongoing and have been present so soon in the past. i hope they are however in the past, if not plse do something.

orchid i so sorry about your sister and i know the burden and sorrow you talk about unfortunitly i have had a few frends suicide sucessfully, and they were healing professionals who knew all the tricks and perhapps thats what finally ended thir life, that they should have knowen better, be doing better and thi was nuthing they didn't know.

i had someone close recently try for suicide becouse of thir thinking and some very reacent hurts. the recent hurts couse reactions and open a lot of wonds, thi9s been a theam in my life for as long back as i was 24 i think it helped shapped my profession as my frend then suicided leaving me thir kid to look after.

then i rembered how many years they had been in the state of despaire and an almost soul level emptiness a deep darkness that i never meet as fully as them. people find me as i said since i was 24 younger but without the suicide.

the recent frend i was furiouse with the, the staff non commital and non judmental, ya could hate suck staff but its thir jobs.Its the loved ones who feel the strong enotions, staff are staff doing a job but they make the rest of humanity being humane look bad. The frends and family are full of rage anger, grieff helplkessness and powerless. Well i certinly was and for a week i was so mad madder than anything with them. I did in the end go visite them and wee chatted, i understood the extent of thir pain and its depth. we talked about it and in one of the chats i gave them with the best of my love for them permission to go ...bonkers eh. and what was i thincking. well not much apart from its none of my bussness and i can ask someone to stay but thats becouse of me thats what i want them to do, i wase't sure how i felt about it now ...but on that day i was very clear.

my sis attempted suicide summertime this year wasadmitted to hospital and i am smarting becouse despite my weekend state, thir leanning on me and i can't hold them any longer. i clearly told them not too becouse i could't hold them up and this time i can't be thir counceller. I can't be my owen grief is too great. I also do know they are so deep in thir depresion they don't even see thir being selfish trying to get me to listen to thir problems 3 times this week allready. afterall its been 1 mounth since po has diead and i should be able to get over it and get back to what i normally do. however its bit too painfull and bit too dranning and iv too much in life to do that i have to do.

i undestand the frends that don'[t wanna tax you went you talk i so understand that, i am also glade that you have two extra weeks off from work allthough this is no time at all.

i hope you rest and heal the best you can in your owen time.

the rest of you ladies i only imagine your owen versions of how you felt when you hade't stood up for your family enough, it leaves a very strange feeling but i hope you all know you all did the best you could.

i hope thir be more talking for the diffrent quorters as this is something that touches us all
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#209685 - 12/18/10 01:12 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: celtic_flame]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3652
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
my sis attempted suicide summertime this year wasadmitted to hospital and i am smarting becouse despite my weekend state, thir leanning on me and i can't hold them any longer. i clearly told them not too becouse i could't hold them up and this time i can't be thir counceller. I can't be my owen grief is too great. I also do know they are so deep in thir depresion they don't even see thir being selfish trying to get me to listen to thir problems 3 times this week allready. afterall its been 1 mounth since po has diead and i should be able to get over it and get back to what i normally do. however its bit too painfull and bit too dranning and iv too much in life to do that i have to do.


to give well, you need to look after self after a family member has died. I hope that you will find a way to talk with your sister. Maybe to drop some little cards, potted flowers for now for her. Something that she can see it's you.

I don't have answers at this time. But hugs, celtic.

We're here for you also Mustang, as Songbird has said.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com
http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com/

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#209690 - 12/18/10 12:29 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: orchid]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
yea your right maybee a card as i been toying with idea to phone her but it may be too violitiel but i can do a card and tell her i need some space and time for myself becouse of my owen hurt. then she not totaly rejected should know i care but can't hoild her up at this time.


great idea orchid thanks. and thats all the though i needed fa you.

i hope its getting a little easier for you too as christmass can be hard enough anyway
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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