Rose, I so understand!! I've been through so many years of feeling down, for no apparent reason...as a matter of fact, my life was everything I could ever have asked it to be, and yet I was unable to find any joy anywhere. Everything was a challenge, the fatigue was debilitating, and life was a terrible chore. I don't know you, or your history, so it's really hard to begin to speculate on what's at the root of your malaise. I remember dealing with so many negative things, like a profound sense of futility, hopelessness (things will never get better), the list goes on, and something tells me you probably know everything on the list.
It's a long and lonely trek. I was helped by the women here, but I could only manage to work my way through very small chunks of time at a time...some days it would be such a challenge just getting out of bed, so I would have to focus on accomplishing that. I kept stickies of affirmations on my mirrors, I kept filling my mind with positive thoughts and gratitude (it was NOT easy at first, but I kept at it, moment by moment...it became my job - and it ultimately eventually worked).
I'm really tired right this moment, so am having trouble articulating well what I might otherwise be able say better. I just want you to know that you're NOT alone.
Rose, are you a spiritual person? Prayer was my lifeline, even though at times I had to rage at God because of all the pain and losses I was suffering. I talk to God CONSTANTLY! Whenever I feel fear, I tell Him I'm afraid. I try to imagine what I would say to someone I loved with every fiber of my being, and then imagine God saying those things - and better - to me. Nothing negative, nothing destructive...everytime I heard a destructive negative entering my mind, I actively replaced it with something positive, like being thankful for a blessing, and there are lots of them. Start small. Like having running water, or electricity.
ANother thing that helped me, honestly, was to pray for others. It helped me to keep my mind focused off of my own agony, and helped me to feel like I was contributing to the good of someone else.
I had to put together a whole repertoire of tools and coping mechanisms to help me through to the other side of this lowness. Medications, therapy, gratitude, prayer, positive affirmations to replace the negatives, being here helped tremendously, even playing silly games on the computer (they helped to keep my brain active).
I have to stop now, but I will carry you in prayer throughout the night and hope that you can feel presence and caring vibes winging their way to your side. Be compassionate with yourself. Something inside of you is itching to change/grow/evolve and this is part of the "leaving behind in order to move forward".
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.