HI Ladies,

I have been quite troubled over the past few months. My friend that I have known basically since college and I are no longer friends. She has always been a very outspoken individual who didn't care what people thought of her-- I do admire her bravery. However, often this behavior would be translated to others as negativity and a bad attitude. I often would have to stick up for her and say that it takes time to get to know her but once they get past the superficial layer she is a great gal.

For years I have done this. As time went on, I noticed she became more negative and I just think this was her way of crying for attention. I stayed by her side because I cared.

Fast forward-- when I lost my job two years ago, she made many back handed comments to me and behind my back about how easy it is to find a job and she didn't understand why I couldn't just find one. In addition to this she would talk behind my back about her random frustrations with me, life about her interactions with me, or would say unkind things to my boyfriend. I was already at the lowest point in my life where I was struggling with a new identity trying to find a job. Her negativity became poison and whenever I confronted her to address these issues she would deny, deny, deny.

Last winter I officially decided the negativity had to end. I was too old for this in my life and wanted to keep my life clean and stress free. I want friends that I can go through the good, bad, and ugly and communicate with. However, with her I cannot. We have fallen out of communication and have not spoken for months. I have my many reasons as to why I can't speak with her but I don't know what her reasons are for not talking to me. The sad part is that I no longer miss her anymore although we have many mutual friends that keeps us in fair proximity of one another.

I can't help but question am I too old to be losing a friend or am I too old to have petty negativity in my life? Has this happened to anyone and was there a resolution or was the friendship mended in any way?

You've described a difficult situation, Rachel. I'm sad to hear you are having such an unhappy experience.

I'd be interested to hear what others have to say, as there is no easy answer as I see it.

It sounds to me like your friendship has not been an equal one in recent years. As you describe it, you have been doing more giving and she has been on the taking end...

I don't have room in my life for negativity and backstabbing, so if it were me, I would walk away from the friendship and not look back.

On the other hand, the negativity your friend is exhibiting may be a sign of an illness, in which case, I am sure you would not want to abandon a friend in need.

Personally, if it were me, I'd tend to abandon the friendship - at least for the time being -- as I can't see that you are getting anything positive out of it the way things stand. And no one is going to look out for you and your needs if you don't do it for yourself.

I'd try to put the word out to and through your mutual friends that you are taking your life in a new direction as a result of the demands of your new job (Or the fact that you are still looking for one -- I'm not quite clear on whether or not you have found one at this point.)

This is plausible and gives you a reason for an emotional break. But it does so in a way that does not denigrate your former friendship, which ought to leave the door open for you to to resume your friendship in the future -- should your friend change her attitude and you decide to give the relationship another chance.

Meanwhile, as I see it, life is too short to squander it in petty negativity. But that's just one opinion. I'm sure their are other points of view which are also valid.

Let's hear from some others in this great forum! I am sure there are some good points I have missed.

My slant on friendships has be that we do have to have only positive interaction.Otherwise it is a waste of time and energy.

I believe we get "more like ourselves as we age" this applies to generosity and kindness as well as negative actions.

When we loose a job it is a life change and support of a positive friend can get us over that change..Perhaps when you heard her first comment that was the time to calmly question her words..Seems to me people avoid conflict with the lady and therfor she goes merrily along(Becomes more like herself)

No one is too old to give up on a friendship..indeed the space left allows us to devote energy to others or use for valuable
actions..being at peace with ourselves
I find in working with younger women that very often an action by a so called friend is what they see as a betrayal...wheras I think it is a life lesson..
we dont count our friends by number but by value and worth.

Could you draw a line under this friendship...or do you have a feeling of either meeting or writing to her...you must ask yourself what has most benefit for you..if she is harsh and backstabbing then you could have an almighty showdown and feel more hurt..These kind of people have many ways of coping.

I would watch what I share with go betweens....keep your own counsel...often when we really let go...life has a surprise.

I wish you kind frienships because they are valuable and help our general wellbeing.

Good counsel, Mountain Ash. Thanks!

When I went through my breakdown several years ago, I had to make a lot of changes in my life in order to be able to survive - and then thrive - beyond that terrible dark place I got stuck in. That meant "rewiring my attic", refocusing my mind on only the positive, because any shred of negativity could be enough to send me spiralling into dark quicksand that I couldn't get myself out of (I would not have survived without the caring support of the women here at BWS). One of the "side effects" of all of these changes was that I had to end some friendships because of the negative attitudes and unsupportive stances of these so-called friends. It was painful at the time, but in the long-run, allowed me increasing freedom to be all that I could - and wanted - to be. These friends and their negativity had been holding me back from the gratitude attitude that I needed to nurture, and it is this new gratitude attitude that has most freed me to find light and love and life again. I miss who these people SHOULD have been, but the reality was unfortunately very different from my hopes and needs for these relationships.

I think that once we clean out the dark stuff, it makes space for more light and good relationships to enter our lives.

I agree 100% with EagleHeart. I think you have given this so called friendship all thew time it needed over the years to blossom but instead it went to weed. Walk away and don't look back. Nurture yourself with people who deserve your friendship. Time and life is too short to allow negativity to blossom. Oh, and WELCOME to BWS.

If it has been a friendship for many years, then it may be harder break off.

So make the clean break but give yourself a break for wondering why earth you feel abit torn, sad and relieved simultaneously.

Friends should be emotional edifiers, making us feel better, not worse. If they depress us, then we don't need 'em around. Life is a miracle; and people should be appreciated and respected. Humans are special, and ought to be treated as such. There's no room in life for toxic relationships! IMHO! Prayers and blessings...

I've enjoyed reading everyone's sage, heartfelt advice and I agree with every bit of it! I think we sometimes stay in friendships too long, simply because of a shared history or because we've already put so many years into them. But if you can't see a positive future for the relationship, then you'll both benefit from at least a little bit of distance. Since you said your friend has always been negative, it doesn't seem likely that she'll change any time in the future. You deserve better treatment than she gives you!

Oh my gosh ladies, going through this thread has made me feel so much better about life and love. I have been struggling with this "losing a friendship" thing but you all have reaffirmed why I decided to end my friendship with her- negativity should not be cultivated or nurtured. I feel by staying friends with her I would be supporting her negativity. It is difficult to not be friends with someone that I have known for so long but at this point I am walking away and not looking back, and it feels free!

Thanks so much for all of your kind words and for all of your insight. It has been very refreshing. Sometimes its easier as an outsider looking in than being someone stuck in the muck.

Thanks again for the support. Anne-- what an amazing forum.