Mustang Gal, I'm so sorry to hear about your ex-husband's death and the pain it's causing. Grief can be so sneaky! It seems to be able to sneak in past all of our defenses and hit us when least expected. I hope and pray that as the days move you forward, you will find peace. I truly believe, more than ever, that every day that we wake up is a gift, and if we're still breathing, it's because we're meant to still be here because somebody somewhere needs the gift the we are/can be today...we might never know how our ripples of day-to-day life affect, impact and heal others, but I believe that we do make a difference in ways that we're often not aware of. All that to say, your life matters, and you're still here because your life still has purpose, even if you can't always see it (it's amazing how others can see the gift that we are even when we can't see it ourselves). As far as I can tell, the fact that you're still here (because your life still matters) means that you "won", because IMO, daring to live is much more of a gift to God and others than being dead before our journey is supposed to be finished. Live the gift!! That's our gift back to God, not living to die.
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.