This man sounds like he has reasons to be depressed. If he's taking his medication, at least he's doing something to help himself. It's wonderful of you to be there for him at this time of year.

Sometimes the medication you take for heart disease, can cause depression.
I think it so sad, he spends Christmas alone.
That would be depressive all in it's self.

How kind of you to invite him to your home. I hope he comes.

Speaking only for myself, and as a newcomer who isn't intending to offend.

But.

I have very dear neighbors who consider it their, ummm, duty, to include me in holiday celebrations. After all, I live alone with just my dog for companionship, etc.

I wish they'd turn their attention elsewhere.

Being invited into someone else's family holiday, just because I live next door and *they* are uncomfortable with my solitary life style, is a fate worse than death. I'd rather be left alone. I even tell my long-distance family members to call me the day before or the day after a holiday. Never on the holiday.

I can be sociable when I need to be, i.e., I fake it. But it's exhausting. However it seems to others, it is easier for me to deal with the holiday season by staying as detached from it as possible.

MossPatch, I can relate in a way, though it may not seem so. In all my 50 years, I've only ever missed one Christmas with my family. It was in 1983, I was in my late 20's, in the grip of a terrible depression and unable to afford to get back home for Christmas that year. I was scared to be alone, so quickly accepted an invitation to spend Christmas with a family I knew. Well, it was a disaster. I started crying at midnight Mass on the 24th and never stopped crying until I got home on the 26th. Nothing they did could ease my anguish, and everytime I managed to stop, one of my family members would phone me and I'd start all over again. It was such a miserable day for me, and I know I ended up ruining their Christmas as well as my own.

So I vowed two things that year...that as long as my Mom and Dad were alive, by hook or by crook I would always make it home for Christmas (which I did), and if it wasn't possible for me to get home, I would spend it alone...it would be miserable, but at least I'd be miserable alone and not making other people suffer too!!!

Now after years of hosting all the Christmas dinners and celebrations, I would actually enjoy a quiet, solitary Christmas for a change, but it won't be this year.

I know it's not quite the same circumstances as you, but I do understand what you say about having to be involved in someone else's family holiday being a fate worse than death. Some people need and crave to be included, others like you, and me to some extent, find it excruciating to be in that kind of situation. I do crave Christmas with my own family, but if that were not possible, I'd rather be alone (or help in a homeless shelter) than inject myself into someone else's family traditions.

If he declines my invitation I will not press him as to why he can't. Thanks for bringing up a good point MossPatch and one that probably never occurs to some of us.

I for one wish that when I politely decline an invitation I would not be given the third degree as to why I am not accepting their hospitality. When pressed further, people then try to accomodate my circumstances for not going. This of course leads to some fibbing on my part.

I've never really learned how to say no because of well-meaning folks who won't simply accept my answer the first time they ask. What I have learned is polite fibbing which I'd rather not have to resort to.

This man is more than welcome in my home but not at the expense of what he deems best for himself.

Ladybug, I haven't been following this entire thread too closely, but I have to add to my post above that I will ALWAYS be grateful for being asked anywhere, even if I decline. For me, just being asked was always a gift in itself. So even if this gentleman declines for his own reasons, you will not have gone wrong asking him. Even in his depression, he will hopefully be consoled by your thoughtfulness.

My main reasons for declining anything when I've been depressed is that I don't want to inflict my darkness on anyone else...it's part of the mangled thinking and self-ostracization that are so characteristic of depression.

I will ask him and I do thank you for telling me this.

Even if I see a person is down I still like to reach out to them. I think this is why I have quite a few friends like this. Their sadness never brings me down. Sometimes I think a person with depression just needs reinforcement that they do have wonderful qualities. I know it isn't going to cure their depression. I know how good it makes a person feel when they are told how much I appreciate them. I think they need to hear this.

You're right, Ladybug, those things may not cure their depression, but they will be like candles that help them find their way out, or even nudges that help them WANT to find their way out. We never know how far our little ripples of light and kindness go...we may not see the healing happening right away, but those kindnesses can make enough of a dent in the darkness to help the person stuck there see possibilities that they hadn't seen before.

I haven't read this whole thread but I want to add something sparked by a news story. A ph.d was interviewed about what people can do if/when they are depressed over the holidays. the Ph.D said, "The depressed individual should spend time with family. There is nothing like family to support and nurture." The Ph.D said this in the most blissful, quiet way, with a trickling fountain in the background. Like, "Calgon, take me away." I couldn't believe my ears. What if the listener, a depressed person, is from a dysfuncitonal family? The depressed person then feels worse, thinking, "What's wrong with ME that I can't turn to my family for nurturance?" Call me cynical, but I live in the real world, and in the real world, not every family is full of support and nurturance! The Ph.D could be sending some defenseless support-less depressed individual off the deep end because he/she has no family to turn to because the family is the source of the dysfunction! What planet is this Ph.D from? What a poor message. If I had my wits about me instead of being in shock I would have called the station with a rebuttal.

Moss, I am butting in, since I have had no prior conversation with you. A fate worse than death? Really? You feel that strongly about it? I know that many times I thought death would be better than being alone. (I don't feel lonely or alone anymore.) I know that I've felt like an imposition and a burden. But how is someone who is extending an invitation to know what is okay to do? I guess if I had a neighbor who I chatted with all year long, and I knew that neighbor had no family, I would probably ask that person if he/she wanted to come over on Christmas day for a while.

[ December 15, 2005, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: Lynnie ]