I split up with my ex about 2-1/2 years ago after 5 very difficult years together. He is still dating the person (I call her Thing) that he was cheating on me with, which I am still very angry about. I hate this woman beyond belief! Thing took up with my ex and was sleeping with him - she told me after I found out and called her - after two weeks, and she knew about me and admitted that she knew. I had no contact with the ex for a year after that, but then I was weak and missed him so I called and we talked several times and then saw each other and we have been seeing each other about once a month since then (I moved out of town so it isn't really possible to see each other too often). We have talked about getting back together and I know that we still love each other but our relationship was difficult and I'm not sure if I want him back. The thing is - and this is the point I need help with - I don't necessarily want him back, I just don't want HER to end up with him! Am I crazy? She was SO smug when I called her, crying my eyes out, asking her if she had known about me when she started seeing him. Besides admitting that she had (and obviously didn't care about MY feelings!) she said "I can't promise you that I won't see him again" in this very smug, very arrogant way. I have hated her ever since! I know it is not right to hate someone so much, and I realize that the person I should be angriest at is HIM, but I forgave him and still hate her. All I want is to make sure that she finds out that yes, she too can be cheated on, and that what goes around comes around. I am moving back into town in April of next year and I think that just knowing that I am back with put her into a tailspin (mutual friends say she is very insecure about me), but it's hard to wait until then. I want her to know that he has been seeing me and I figure he will slip up eventually and she will find out, but I know how he lies his way out of trouble (he's done it to me), so I want to make sure there is no doubt about it.

I know that everyone will say that I should go on with my life and be happy, so I want to reassure everyone that I am basically pretty happy by myself and my object is not to get the ex back. I know that I should get over my anger, but you have no idea how arrogant this woman is! My ex's son, and my stepson, died recently and she actually came up to me at the hospital and WANTED TO HUG ME! Yes, hug me! I couldn't believe it either! Any decent self-respecting person would have kept discreetly to the other side of the room and let me have my visit in peace, but she insisted on invading my space and trying to touch me like she is my friend! It made an already terrible situation that much more painful, and I suspect that is exactly what she was TRYING to do! I hate her, the hag!

My ex is coming down today to see me and I'm just thinking about it, I guess, and needed to vent. Any advice would be appreciated.

Oh Lordy Beth1119, do I ever know what you mean. The saying goes: I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to want him either. I should say here to move on and be happy but you know what I am not going to...I hate "Hag-Things," like this woman, smug and nasty and just plain evil! Tell you what I would do and know I'll never hear the end of this. I would not move back to the town they live in, stay in your own safty zone. Make him come to you, this is very important!!! I would take this jerk/cheater/liar back just long enough to get him away from her and give her a taste of her own medicine. But never forget dear heart 'HE' is the guiltiest party, she didn't kidnap or rape him I'm sure, got that part? Once you have him where you want him and you feel vindicated and he feels secure, kick his sorry butt to the curb, let him be inconvenienced and alone....I know this is not the Christian way and I will hear about this post for sure BUT once in a while we women just have to get even. Sometimes swallowing ones pride does nothing but give indigestion....good luck!

[ October 13, 2005, 08:26 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

For the first time, I'm going to disagree with Chatty. Now is not the time to play games because you could very well end up being hurt all over again.

This happens so often when a wife catches her husband in an affair, during or after the marriage. She suddenly forgets why she wanted to be rid of him in the first place. And, what is happening to you right now is the complete opposite of love...it's your ego. It will get you every time. If you operate from a position of ego you will never win. It goes against everything good.

Sure she was smug and that's probably because she's scared and who knows what your husband told her about you to make her that way. He might be pitting the two of you against each other with him as the prize.

And, is he a prize? Is taking someone back just to get even really a prize? I honestly believe this is why Nicole Brown Simpson got murdered. She decided, for whatever reason, to try and make it work with OJ again and then changed her mind. You don't do this with some men.

My ex cheated on me. I know how it feels and one day, after he'd spent a week end with this woman, she actually sent me flowers to thank me. Don't think it didn't light my fire! But, I left my husband and told him he could have her. Today, she's jobless, doesn't own a car and lives in a dumpy apartment with her mother. God and The Universe took care of her better than I could have with actions or words.

You are leaning toward the wrong reasons. This is going to keep you tied to a man you don't even want to be with. I pray you will reconsider.

Dianne I understand why you would disagree because your answer is correct and I have never given this type of advice before. I myself have always just walked away and told myself I was the better person for it but it left a very bad taste in my mouth. It went away with time but took its toll on me. I don't think that Beth is looking for whats right here but for permission. She's needing closure, help to soothe her ego and her broken heart. No matter what council we or others give she will do what she will do! As far as O.J. and Nicole, he was an abuser throughout that relationship and before it as well with other women and she was a tease and flirted big time. She instigated some of her own problems. That in no way made abuse and murder right however, God forbid. You're words are sound and the theory correct but sometimes a woman just has to do what feels good for her self...I'd say that the Cheater and the Thing deserve each other. I can't understand why Beth would even give him the time of day...Why not use the energy to make a new life without this jerk. But who knows??

[ October 13, 2005, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Beth, this is a very dangerous situation. If you are happy with yourself why play games.You say you don't want him, well if he wants you she won't have him long either- you won- leave it be walk away - be safe-there are too many violent people and too many diseases to take a chance playing games with a liar and a cheat
Listen to Dianne- please

Gee, Gals, I would really like to jump in here,

From my viewpoint and my experience, people cheat for many reasons .... many really deep reasons and many just because they are immature and are unable to postpone any gratification.

But here's my stand: If someone is cheating on you, they are not ready for you or the relationship the two of you are in. If they are not ready for you, the two of you are not , well let's say on the same page. If you are not on the same page, you are reading different pages and are unable, I emphasize - unable- to communicate with each other in a productive way. If you cannot communicate with each other in a way which supports the other, then there really is no relationship; merely habit or sexual desire or because he/she seems "charming", or some other agenda - maybe the children or that one feels abandoned or - the list goes on. I have an "ex" of 29 years. The mistake I made (and it always takes two to tango) was that I chose someone who seemed attractive in many ways, but was not reading the same page I was - and still isn't. So the error was never the divorce or separation, but the choice to begin with. And as far as the "other woman/man" goes, they are not the issue at all. It does not matter what comes out of their mouths or what behavior they exibit they are only the product of the problem and so between the two of you should have no meaning whatsoever. Ignore them completely (unless they marry and there are children involved which is another treatise on my part). I guess I am trying to say that even tho' it may "feel" like this man was yours, he never was and the other woman is a nonsubject no matter how she behaves. (But understand that she is certainly a subject in her own right and will have to understand her own isssues) Not as far as you are concerned, however.

I often am the mom who is selected to hear my son's friend's love issues (do I have a sign on my forehead?)And in general, my response is - Do not spend one more moment on this earth considering this problem - if you are on the same page, you will know it without any doubt. If you are not reading the same page, wait until you find someone who is . Life is so precious with wonderful things to be done in it and if you are not dead then get on with it and don't let yourself be miserable for one single minute. Make up your mind what YOU are going to do and the rest will follow. Being miserable with hate or revenge or anything is just not worth your sweet time.

And I agree with Dianne in that whatever a person sows, she/he will eventually reap - so just allow things to happen naturally and save yourself the agony of having to DO something about it. Just go on being your happy self, ignoring and standing above the chaos, determined to make yourself feel valuable and as a contributing human to this world. And as I said, the rest will follow. And also as Dianne says, If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice - I would go so far as to say don't do once either. Or if it doesn't feel good, quit it. You have the right and the command to love and uphold yourself and yours - you are the issue in your life.

Much empathy and understanding I've been there
Searcher

My opinion: Beth why are you giving this cheating, liar Ex such power? He's probably gloating over the fact that you two women are fighting over him.

Even if you get him back could you ever trust him?

Beth don't see him, don't call him, don't call her, don't move back to the same town. If you truly do not love this man and don't really want him back then why are you fighting so hard to get him back?

You have nothing to gain by going back to him. If you are a happier woman without him then run...don't walk.

After going through all of this for 2 1/2 years do you honestly think your relationship would be stronger or better because of it?

I don't think so!

All you would have would be more amunition in the war you call a relationship.

Thank you Chatty and Dianne for your replies.

You are right, both of you, in saying that he isn't worth taking back. He cheated on his first wife with the first girlfriend, then cheated on the first girlfriend with the second and then the third girlfriend (for awhile he was running back and forth between the four of them). I came along after the third girlfriend and I thought he might have it out of his system, but I've come to realize from hard experience that this is a man who will always cheat no matter who he's with.

I know that I should bow out; he will eventually find someone else to cheat on her with and I won't have to do anything. I am just wrestling with this urge to turn the tables on her because she just plain old DESERVES it so much! She thinks she is the best thing that ever happened to him and that he would NEVER have any reason to do that to her. I believe she thinks that he cheated on me with her because she is BETTER than me or something, and that's what makes me mad. Thing is older than me and should have better sense than that, everyone knows that if you are the other woman (or man for that matter) in a relationship, then eventually you will probably reap what you sow. Evidently, the woman's ego is so huge that she believes this bit of wisdom doesn't apply to HER.

I know that it is wrong to hate her so much. I've prayed about it since she came into the picture and the hatred continues, so I'm beginning to feel that maybe God understands in this circumstance. The very idea of her makes me cringe. You should hear her voice on the telephone! She is nearing 50 years old and she tries desperately to sound like a 16 year old cheerleader. I've seen a few pictures of her at the house when I've been there and it is obvious she thinks she is one hot chick. Gag. By the way, I've thrown away all but one of the pictures when I've found them and I scratched the eyes out of the only one I left there. That was something I recently did, so I'm not sure what she's going to think when she sees that. Another time, not long after I started seeing him again, I found a set of engraved mugs and I took hers and scratched her name off of it and sat it right back down where it was. The ex, by the way, is aware of this and is not upset. She got mad and broke up with him for about a week that time, but she took him back and seems to be completely blind since then.

He was here today and he still says that he loves me and that that will never change. He said that he is with her because they get along and we didn't, and that he does not love her but likes her. He says I am the love of his life.

I know I'm crazy to continue dealing with either one of them, but it's not like I'm putting my own happiness on hold or anything; I had a serious boyfriend until a year ago and I still date other people but just haven't met anyone I care enough about to have a relationship with. As soon as I do, he will be trying to beg me back again. He did it last year when I was still with my ex-boyfriend, and I know he will do it again because he actually has the nerve to say that he is jealous of other men with me.

Crazy situation, huh?

I rest my case....

Hi Beth, if you really want to get even, just let her have him. They deserve each other and people who cheat and then marry are rarely happy.

I was in the very same situation as you and continued having a relationship with my husband even though he was cheating. Yes, I talked to the woman, I talked to the woman's husband, but it didn't make anything better, it only made me not like myself. After our divorce was final, I cut the strings and he dated that woman for 10 years, then married her. According to my ex-SIL, here is the result - He never stopped loving me (that's debatable, I think) - She was so jealous of me she couldn't stand it - His family can't stand her - One SIL never misses a chance to confront her on anything - He never said anything bad about me, defended me to anyone who did and if anyone asked about our divorce he took full responsibility. Several times he tried to find out if I was interested, but I wasn't, I had no respect, no trust, was not even attracted and in fact was repulsed by him.

You deserve better than this 2 timing loser - lose him, that's what I say.

And you can bet that he's feeling pretty proud of himself, keeping 2 women on the string. Puulleeeese, this is making me ill.

Daisygirl